Why’s He Acting So Sweet, So Soon?
Welcome back, manslatees, to another week in the manslations jungle. We’ll kick it off with a question about a guy who’s getting all “coupley” with a reader named Mary. And so soon! What does that mean? Anything? Everything? Nothing? Hello? Is this thing on?
I met this guy randomly on a train a few weeks ago, on the same day as when my ex split up with me, incidentally. Train Guy seemed really interested in me and I needed to get over my ex so I thought I’d see this new guy to take my mind off the pain and heartbreak.
The Train Guy and I met a few times and we got on really well. Before I knew it he was acting really “coupley” with me… As in holding my hand a lot, stroking my arm, kissing my hair, holding me really close to him; that kinda thing. This really surprised me coz I only associate that behaviour with really intimate couples, and we’d pretty much only just met each other! I got the hunch that he didn’t want anything too serious, but then he goes and acts really sweet with me?
Does that mean he wants a proper relationship or something? Or is it just a facade to get me to sleep with him? Do all guys do this when they first meet girls??
Dear Mary,
Well, let’s answer that last question first. “All guys” don’t do anything when they first meet girls. There’s no standard here, so what he’s doing is neither normal or abnormal. It’s just how this guy does stuff. So, let’s see what we can figure out about this guy.
IT’S A TRAP!
It’s interesting to me as a guy that you want to figure out what this “means.” Interesting because most guys don’t go too crazy looking for the meaning or significance in behavior in this same sense. Women seem way more into that line of questioning. And so you can find yourself wondering, “What does it mean if he’s being sweet and coupley? Is it real? Does he just want to do me? Does he want my hand in marriage? What’s going on?! Run! It’s a trap!!!” etc.
I only bring up the idea that men don’t think this way because don’t often analyze even our own behavior in this way. As in, he’s not likely thinking about the meaning of what he’s doing. Or more specifically, he’s probably not aware that he’s conveying any meaning. He’s likely just behaving instinctively, whatever that means to him. So…
JUST TO GET YOU TO SLEEP WITH HIM?
Another thing to know about the male mind — that statement? That’s not a “just” kind of statement. That would be like saying, “Well, I think he was breathing just to keep from dying.” Well…yeah.
Now, I’m not saying that he has no interest beyond sleeping with you. From what little we know from your letter, that’s going to be hard to tell. All I’m saying is, yes, his behavior is almost certainly in some way motivated by a desire to do sex upon you. Sure.
DOES THIS MEAN HE WANTS A PROPER RELATIONSHIP?
No, it does not. Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want one, either. No correlation there, as far as I know. What will tell you are the Two Big Manslations Questions (catchy name, huh? I call them that because they are questions and there’s two of them…and the website is called Manslations…Just seemed to make natural sense, I guess.)
- Might he think his behavior’s going to get him laid?
- Might he think his behavior’s going to get him more non-sex time with you as well?
And you’ve got to answer both questions. It’s like those movies where the guys in the missile silo need two keys to launch the nukes. In order to launch the nuclear missile of…understanding his intentions (metaphor…buckling…under…pressure of…silliness…) then you’re going to need to be able to answer both questions. Remember now, we’re not talking about what he’s saying. Just how he’s behaving toward you.
So, we can check off a tentative “youbetcha” on number one. For number two, you’ll have to answer that one, and the touching isn’t necessarily related. The question is, is he looking to spend time with you, trying to see you a bunch, even when it won’t necessarily relate to sex? That will be what gives you your answer.
Good luck, Mary. And hey, enjoy the touchy-feeliness. Sounds fun.
What do you think, ladies? Ever had a guy get all coupley right away? Does this touchitude mean relationship? Or is it just touchitude?
Posted: March 24th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from fred
Time March 24, 2008 at 7:56 am
he could just be a very affectionate type of person – you wouldn’t know unless you spent a lot of time around him when he was with his other friends … I live in a town where there are lots of healthy hippy types and they are always hugging and kissing, so it’s sometimes almost a cultural thing?
Comment from Selena
Time March 24, 2008 at 10:35 am
I’d say he is highly attracted to you and this is the way he expresses that. I’ve known some guys like this, some not-so much. You can pretty much bet he’s hoping to get sex, but he might have decided he wants you as his girlfriend as well, so he’s acting “as if” you already are. What better way to get you to go along in either case?
Since you are so recently out of a previous r’ship, it’s really up to you on how you feel about this early “touchy-feelyness”- rather than analyzing why he’s doing it. If it makes you uncomfortable talk to him about it.
Comment from Ellen
Time March 24, 2008 at 11:17 am
I’ve learned (partly from this blog!) that any time I try to figure out a guy’s (or anyone’s for that matter) behavior, thoughts, or intentions, I’m in trouble. The question for me these days is, how does it FEEL TO ME? Am I comfortable in — even pleased by — the situation, the person’s behavior? Or does it feel a little weird, not quite right, or downright icky?
My sense from Mary’s comments is that she is firmly in the latter category–something just ain’t right with this guy. And, ladies, our instincts are usually pretty good — if it feels icky NOW, it usually just gets ICKIER. Perhaps Mary is just seeing the tip of the icky iceberg.
But these days I’m also into being easy on myself. If aspects feel not quite right and other aspects feel kind of nice and I want to try going where he’s leading…if the ickiness gets confirmed, well, I give myself a pat on the back for being so intuitive!
Comment from mtn_gal4
Time March 24, 2008 at 6:30 pm
YES, it’s a TRAP and it’s a MO that works and gets results… either RUN away as fast as you can, or put up with it and watch it work it’s way into your “pants”…. as it will inevitably do -
Comment from hunter
Time March 24, 2008 at 7:06 pm
If a woman has to ask about a “touchy” man, then, most likely, she is not ready for him.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 24, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Dear Mary: Your mission–should you choose to accept it–is to study the answers here AND then, ask Mr. TrainGuy the questions on your mind. If he says he doesn’t have the answers, give him some stirred with your own ‘gut’ spices. On the other hand: [1]Seems a little soon to play serious footsie after the breakup, given that your “ex” broke with you vs. your being the breaker; and [2] Seems you’re on a fake-footsie playground, so your issues vis-a-vis intimate coupling may signal inscrutable or unresolved stuff of your own! BTW: It might help to share your recent break with the him! BTW2: JM, that phraseology “do sex upon you” [missed your use of same B4] is so oohlala; will have sweet fantasies of such 4that Mr. Special–mmerci upon you!!
Comment from Mary
Time March 25, 2008 at 11:59 am
wow… i’m pretty overwhelmed with the detailed replies… so i just wanna say thanks to you all for your helpful comments 
in response to mar’s question, i was trying to analyse his behaviour coz i wanted to know what exactly he wanted from me… if i knew he wanted something deep and meaningful or whatever then i wouldn’t go along so easily. i’ve already had that with my ex – who i was with for just over a year (90% of that time could be described as “perfect” until he felt it was getting far too serious for him) – but that crashed and burned so… yea i’m feeling cynical right now. i guess hunter’s right: i’m not ready for anything just yet!
i genuinely enjoyed Train Guy’s touchitude though. it made me melt the way he acted so affectionate right from the start…. i would accept mmagnolia’s mission but i’m away on a really long trip right now so i don’t think it’s appropriate to ask questions anymore.
Comment from hunter
Time March 26, 2008 at 11:42 pm
to Mary,
Yes, touchitude can be luxurious, can’t it?….
Comment from mar
Time March 24, 2008 at 7:04 am
Hi Jeff
I agree. Sure he wants to get laid (what man does not?) but that wouldn’t necessarily mean that is all he wants. And, might he want anything else? I also agree that we cannot know without more info.
BUT… I’m inclined to think that one does not “get sweet” out of an instrumental motivation such as getting laid, or getting this or that… I mean, to get sweet one has to feel sweet right? OK, maybe there are lots of masters of performance out there, who can pretend whatever feeling they want, but I don’t think this would apply to the bulk of mankind.
My bet is that if he is getting sweet, this is because something inside him (a feeling) moves him when he is with her… OK, not saying love, but… chemistry? infatuation? sexual drive?
Why does Mary want to know what it means? Is this just (female) curiousity? Just take it easy and enjoy, whatever it is? Why not?
Best, Mar