When He Says He Doesn’t Like You…But Only Sometimes…
We’ve got an on-again/off-again relationship to manslate here, folks. Mar has been trying to figure this guy out for 9 months or so, and it’s time to consult an expert. (However, since there isn’t one handy, she asked me.) Seems like this guy gets angry and bails occasionally, and then comes back for another round. Let’s see if we can figure out why:
Dear Jeff
I would you like you to manslate my boyfriend-exboyfriend-boyfriend-exboyfriend… He and I have been on a roller coaster of being together, splitting up, getting together again, splitting up again, for already 9 months (with a 2 months period in the middle where we stayed completely away from each other).
Not for nuthin’, but usually the beginning of the relationship is the part when everything’s easy as pie and all is forgiven, no? Not in all cases, of course, but I’m just saying…
We have ups and downs. When we are up it’s really great. He says he loves me and that he wants to make it work.
He really looks in love and is a very devoted boyfrend, and it’s just really wonderful.The reason why he split up is because sometimes he “really doesn’t like me.” These are his literal words.
He’s never told me what it is that he “really doesn’t like” about me.
In fact, whenever we have problems, he gets very angry by my behaviour and withdraws from me. Withdrawing from me may mean various things: if we are on the phone he hangs up on me right away, if we are together he goes to another room or leaves entirely.I have talked about him many times about this behaviour because I can’t understand it. He says he sometimes gets really angry and he can’t handle it. So he needs to get away. When he gets away he says he “shuts down emotionally,” and in turn does not feel anything: not anger, not sadness, not love, nothing. Usually when he withdraws from me he focuses on work entirely and is very productive. I also can’t understand that.
When he withdraws from me I feel really frustrated, abandoned and uncared for.Whenever I try to understand this behaviour I only get vague answers, and the most specific answer he has given me so far is to say that sometimes he “really doesn’t like me.” But he does not tell me why, or what it is he doesn’t like. In fact, he doesn’t even want to know, I fear. For his strategy when he “really doesn’t like me” and feels an urge to withdraw entirely, is to shut down feelings. Which suggests to me that he doesn’t want to understand what he is feeling.
This is a big problem. First, he won’t tell me. Second, he doesn’t even seem to know or even want to know. Third, I can’t do anything about it if I don’t know what upsets him. Fourth, if we don’t work this out we’ll never be out of this roller-coaster.
To give you an overall picture of this relationship, what tends to happen after these type of crisis (which are recurrent) is that we stay some time away for each other. Eventually, we miss each other too much and get back together. And we get back together it tends to be wonderful, but only for a short period of time.My manslation is that he lives in fairy land. I fear he really does not see the whole of me, and only likes some aspects of me. I fear that he is very happy when he sees the side of me that he likes. And I fear that he rejects me very much when he sees the other side (whichever it is, I do not know). But I think he fails to see me on the whole. It sounds quite insane, I know, but I can’t find any other explanation. And I fear that he really doesn’t want to acknowledge the things about me that he doesn’t like, that he doesn’t want to even to look at them and consider what we can do about it, and that that is why he withdraws from me entirely and does something else instead, and blocks out his feelings until things have calmed down. Then gets back with me when he starts missing me again.
My thoughts are that it is about time that he figures out what he really feels and truly makes things work out, if he does want this relationship. But I do not think he will ever be capable… or at least I can find no reason for hoping that he will, and I’m unsure that I can put up with this pattern any longer.What’s your take on this behaviour? What’s your take on “sometimes I really love you, sometimes I really don’t like you”? And what’s your advice for me?Thanks in advance, Mar
- I’m going to get pissed off
- I’m going to let this get out of control
- I’m going to say or do something that is too horrible for me to even imagine
- I’m going to turn green, burst out of my clothes, my pants will inexplicably turn purple, I’ll speak without articles or correct pronouns and ultimately destroy the city around me.
I think this comes from a misunderstanding of emotions. A lot of guys think that if they feel something deeply, it will necessarily become destructive (since it’s definitely out of our control.) And that’s why the “focusing on work” thing comes in. He turns his aggression towards an acceptable foe. Since he’s not the actual Incredible Hulk, the supervillain in his life will have to be work. And he smashes the crap out of it, and pounds it into a fine dust.
It’s not because he has suddenly forgotten about you and whatever’s going on there. It’s “ordinance tactics.” You’ve got an explosive that’s going to go off, what do you do? If you can’t defuse it, you take it somewhere it’s not going to hurt anybody and you set it off manually. (I assume anyway. If I personally have got an explosive that’s about to go off, I probably just sit down and pee myself.)
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Unfortunately, as you already seem to know, not a whole hell of a lot. He seems to be the one who keeps leaving. He seems to be the one who “doesn’t like” something or other. And if he isn’t going to do anything about it, well, nobody is.
As far as I know, the only thing you can do is a sort of “last-ditch” effort to try to open the lines of communication. You’re going to have to let him know that:
- You like him and want to make this work
- What’s happening is not working
- You know he’s not crazy about letting himself get angry, but you know he’s not going to get violent (uh, you do know that, right?)
- Anything he wants to say to you, well, nobody dies from that. But if it’s unsaid, it could be the end of the relationship.
Beyond that, this really is all up to him and there’s nothing you can do or say to make him do it. All you can do is all you can do, and just let him know what is and isn’t ok with you.
But I think it’s important to mention — unless you’re leaving something big out of the story, uh, why’s he so angry? What is it that he sees in you that he thinks should equal, “Rawr! Hulk SMASH!!!!!” Just something to think about.
Good luck, Mar. I wish I knew more about why he was so angry, but I hope it helps at least to know a little about why he’s behaving as he does when he gets there.
What do you think, ladies? Is this one salvageable? What should Mar do here?
Posted: March 25th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time March 25, 2008 at 8:48 am
Dear Jeff
Thanks for this manslation. I think your explanation of the process by which he gets angry and how that informs his behaviour makes a lot of sense. And I you are also right that there is little *I* can do about it.
You are right in asking “why is he so angry?” What’s problem zero “Sometimes I really don’t like you”? Well, I do not know, but I certainly haven’t left anything BIG out of the picture.
Let me explain this. What I mean is that I fail to see what is so bad or so wrong about me or about my relationship with him that would explain such anger. I certainly have my conscience clean. But of course, we have problems, or issues, or differences, or conflict. What I am saying is that nothing awful is going on between he and I. But there is conflict, like in any relationship.
I didn’t give you a picture of the kind of things that prompt this behaviour and this pattern because I thought they were not that relevant to understand his anger. Indeed, he does want to come back with me, after the storm has passed, and when he does he does not attempt to resolve whatever issue it was that started it in the first place.
But I shall give you an example, for the sake of better discussion. I wrote this letter after a big blow on the phone. He had been living in an irregular and unpredictable way, without making plans to be with me. He was busy and stressed, and he wasn’t thinking about planning his work and time. We were not seeing each other, not because there wasn’t *any* time, but because he was not planning his work and leisure time in advance. I told him that I would like him to be more organized, to better plan his work and time, and I proposed that he and I agreed on setting some days apart when we would see each other. I thought that if we planned this ahead, then he would be capable to do his work in the allocated work time and also see me in the allocated *Mar time.* When I mentioned this idea that I wanted us to decide on days we would be meeting, he said he was starting to get very angry, and that he wanted to hang up and that he would call me later. Things blew up from there. And he did say, once again, “sometimes I really don’t like you.”
I’m not telling this to discuss this particular example. I only give this to you as an example of the kind of things that prompt his anger and that put him in “sometimes I really don’t like you” mode.
What I’m trying to say is that whatever issues are prompting his anger and withdrawal, they are only part of the normal kind of problems that people in relationships have to deal with and resolve *together.* They are part of life in a relationship.
Of course, I may be blind. Or I may be biased. But it would help a lot if he could work out what it is about me that he dislikes so much and we could discuss it. All that I’m telling you is indeed my story. I just don’t know his.
So, this is just a taste of the issues. I haven’t left anything else out. I think I didn’t explain this kind of thing in my letter because in my mind they don’t really explain his behaviour. But I understand I can’t expect you to guess what sort of problems there are.
As an update, we pretty much split up at the time I sent that letter above. And now things are completely different. He wants me back desperately, and is saying that he misses me, that he loves me, that he wants me back, that he wants the relationship, that he wants to make it work…
Selena, thanks for your feedback. I don’t want to respond now because I want to see what other people have to say before. I’ll get back to you later. Thanks.
Mar
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 25, 2008 at 9:42 am
Since you’re asking for feedback, here goes.
How do you want to live? What do you want from a relationship? If the answer to both those questions is “drama,” “edge,” or “fear” this is the right man for you.
If your answers contain such words as “stability,” “reliability,” “comfort,” then not so much.
To me, it would be a serious problem to have a guy act like that. It’s good that he wants to take his nastiness away from you, but it’s not good that he has no interest in developing better relationship skills.
What gets me is why on earth is he so angry all the time? If he doesn’t want to plan his week in advance, there are a million different things he could say (and feel) besides overwhelming anger. Why does he say “I don’t like you”? That’s unneccessarily personal and aggressive. He could just as easily have said, “That doesn’t really work for me.” or even “I dislike it when someone tries to plan my time for me.” Why is there such a volcano that erupts at the slightest tread?
He is unlikely to change as long as his behavior is working (same as everyone). When he wants you, he gets you. When he finds that he can’t get you back, he may be motivated to make a real change, like get counseling. But, really, the chances of that seem low.
Personally, for me, life is way too short to spend any time being hung up on and declared unlikeable. The passionate declarations of need and desire can be intoxicating, I know. But at some point they aren’t worth it. A man who is courteous and reliable can be way more intoxicating, just try one!
Sorry you’re going through this. Good luck.
Comment from Susan
Time March 25, 2008 at 10:06 am
Mar, while I understand the need to “understand” why he’s acting the way he is, the fact of the matter is that it is his problem, and only he can decide whether he wants to work on it. You write: “I fail to see what is so bad or so wrong about me or about my relationship with him that would explain such anger…What I am saying is that nothing awful is going on between he and I. But there is conflict, like in any relationship.” Yes, every relationship involves compromise, and since we’re all human and imperfect, every relationship involves some degree of disagreement. But why would you want to be with someone who sees *something* “bad” or “wrong” with you — repeatedly? Imagine being with your boyfriend 1 year or 5 years from now, or even a whole lifetime. Imagine how tiring that would be, and just as aggravating and confusing! Don’t worry about him and why he’s acting the way he is; concentrate on living and having the kind of relationship you want! You deserve as much.
Also, assuming you didn’t go overboard, your request to try and make some time for each other is not unreasonable.
Comment from Aurora
Time March 25, 2008 at 10:17 am
Mar-
From all the wonderful insights you have when you post here and by the you describe yourself, there is obviously nothing wrong with you. The problem lies with him.
Try as we might, we cannot ‘fix’ them. I know I’ve tried. But the on again-off again thing is gonna get very old and very tiring. I’m sure you have many other things to worry about and him ‘not liking you right now’ does not need to be one of them.
You gave him opportunites to spend time with you. And yes I agree that some guys need that kick in th a** to get more organized. But everyone finds time for the things they love. Golf, exercise, watching TV…. he’s not finding time for you.
Good luck and keep us posted as to when you find someone who is worthy of your love!
Comment from Cindy
Time March 25, 2008 at 11:29 am
Mar -
Let me ask you this….What would it feel like to be in a relationship with a man who ACCEPTED YOU COMPLETELY & UNCONDITIONALLY??? Probably a heck of a lot different than what you’ve got right now. When you date a man, your job is to discover his MALE IDENTITY. Who he is as a man. I would venture to guess that it isn’t YOU he doesn’t like, it’s HIMSELF! Run for the hills, girlfriend. The drama, the insecurity & the instability of this relationship will probably NEVER change. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who accepts all parts of you? They’re out there, & you can find one to call your very own – but not until you kick this bozo to the curb. Let someone else deal with his drama – you’re better than that. Take care of YOU first!
Comment from mar
Time March 25, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Dear Jeff and everyone else
First of all thank you Jeff for manslating. As I said above, I think the explanation of his behaviour when he is angry, makes sense: that he wants to get away to avoid throwing that on me. The problem though does remain that he says “he really doesn’t like me,” which is already pretty aggressive, even if it doesn’t get any worse than that. And also that he can’t figure out what’s wrong and what needs to be talked and dealt with in the appropriate manner. I don’t understand his anger, and I don’t think it is justified, that is why I worry that actually, “he really doesn’t like me,” as he puts it. But it doesn’t make sense, why would he at other times says he loves me and that he wants to make it work? It’s not consistent behaviour. If there was anything he didn’t like about he, he could just tell me what that is, and we could discuss what to do about it. But he’s not really trying to deal with any of the issues – for instance, when he and I get back. So here’s why my need for understanding.
Selena, I think you must be a veteran of boomerang relationships: it’s exactly as you describe! Yeah, there are honeymoons too. But it keeps on repeating itself, the whole cycle, over and over again. And yes, it gets very tiring, very exhausting. We have split up already, and this may be the last time. Hopefully. I also agree with you that he must be very immature. I don’t think he is taking any responsibility to sort out our problems: getting back together and saying “I love you and I want to make it work” is not working things out.
AnneZ, yes I want stability, reliability and comfort. I’m not enjoying it. In fact, I think it’s pretty destructive. You are right that it is good that he is sufficiently aware of his anger and does not want to throw it on me, but as you point out it’s not sufficient cause he is not making anything to improve this situation. And yes “I really don’t like you”, even if that is only “sometimes,” is unnecessarily personal and aggressive. Truly, it knocks me down, emotionally. And now he is exactly doing the opposite: trying to convince me that he does truly love me and truly wants this relationship. Very intoxicating indeed, but where I am now, it means nothing. Not worth it anymore.
Susan, I think you are very right that this would be, long-term, a very destructive relationship. In the end, it would destroy whatever love there was to start with. Well, in fact, that love has worn out a lot by now. I think I have already realized that there’s nothing I can do about it now. It took a lot of pain to realize it though. One always tries to understand first. But eventually there’s no point.
Aurora and Cindy, yes I do have so much to take care of! I have resolved to start focusing on me and my own life now. I tend to think that we are all imperfect and have flaws, but I believe it’s possible to accept people as they are, and love them despite their flaws. And I believe with good will, patience and sympathy differences can be resolved. I don’t want any less than that in my life.
Many thanks to all of you for reading and commenting. I have found it very useful and very supportive: he and I are not together any longer, but he has recently started to beg that we get back together. But I’m now convinced that it’s very hopeless, and that I don’t want to be on that roller-coaster of emotions any longer. So I’m going stick to this resolution to end it for good.
Best, Mar
Comment from Cindy
Time March 25, 2008 at 4:17 pm
After reading your comments about his not liking you, I felt the need to respond. My roller coaster man has been similar. In fact has said the EXACT words to me. Turns out, there really isn’t anything wrong with you!!!!! In fact (at least in my case) roller coaster man has serious CONTROL AND INSECURITY issues. He would often leave me hanging until last minute…go days without calling and feel the need to break up. Things were hot and cold. When I tried to talk about things he was vague and never gave me specific answers. He would accuse me of being mean and a host of other things. There came a point where I often wondered if he was projecting and accusing me of things he was guilty of! It has crossed my mind that he was juggling women. He would say I caused him stress…but from what? Eventually I realized that he was emotionally disturbed and TOXIC. He has himself to blame for losing me as I came to realize that I wanted someone in my life that was trustworthy, consistent, genuine and truely my friend. This guy is going to keep playing you and trying to control. You will never be able to fix him and he is trying to make you think there is something wrong with you…DON’T BUT INTO THE B.S. Run as fast as you can….I am trying, it is not easy. I hope this helps you!!! Good luck and big hugs.
Comment from mar
Time March 25, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Dear Cindy,
I’m sorry that you are going through the same, I know it’s awful. I’m sure you’re right there’s something very wrong with them – their problem to figure out!
I sincerely hope we both find someone trustworthy, consistent, genuine, and a true friend. Let’s hold on to that hope and look always ahead!
Good luck and hugs to you too!
Mar
Comment from Cyn
Time March 25, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Hi, Mar. I don’t think I can add anything to what has already been said, and you have explained your situation and feelings very well and clearly. I’m glad to read that you are no longer with this guy. Those ups and downs can really play havoc with your self-confidence — and I totally agree with others here that you have a LOT going on for yourself!
Go forth, and find the guy who is worthy of you…! 
Comment from hunter
Time March 25, 2008 at 9:03 pm
to Mar,
Try not to give him anymore “honeymoons.” I mean, that alone would keep me coming back. In other words, it maybe time to look for another “honey”. Us men, we are a dime a dozen….
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 25, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Yes, Dear Mar, time seems ripe to “moon” over the “honey” of yourself–without loving or praying less for ‘him’! Loving someone doesn’t always include “understanding” that someone. Please take notice that multiple medical data show real physical harm attributable to negative dynamics within intimate relations, whether of married or unmarried lovers. Take time, take heart to be good to your own heart! MerciMuch for your sturdy words of advice you pour! Happy Traveling & Peaceful Blessings!
Comment from mar
Time March 26, 2008 at 7:53 am
Cyn, hunter and mmagnolia: many thanks!
Comment from KC
Time April 26, 2008 at 9:53 am
Hey Mar,
Couldn’t help but respond… I too had a similar situation – went on for a year and a half. Finally I was able to break the cycle. I won’t lie- it was brutally hard! I went through a bit of depression for a few months (two books that REALLY helped were “He’s just not that into me” and “They call it a breakup because it’s broken”). Turns out, the best way to get over a toxic relationship is to find another man! I now am dating the best guy in the world! Treats me like a lady, and doesn’t seem to have commitment issues.
Anyway, about 6 months or so have gone by since I broke up with Mr. Toxic, and we’ve recently become friends again. It turns out that in the end, it probably only lasted as long as it did because he couldn’t resist the sex. He didn’t really like me, but loved the sex! Now I look back at it all and wonder why I waisted so much time with Mr. Sex. My new boyfriend is a dream come true.
Well… hope that helps!
Comment from GC
Time September 29, 2008 at 4:30 pm
can someone re post this or e mail this to me? I can’t read some of the text…the words are cut off. and I really need to read this…I think it fits by bf perfectly….ugh!
thanks!
Comment from Selena
Time March 25, 2008 at 7:00 am
I don’t know Mar, but it sounds to me like the guy is very tempermental and immature. “Sometimes I really don’t like you!” (without giving you a reason) sounds like something a child would say. And I’d venture it has something to do with not getting his own way, or just not cut out to be in a serious relationship.
As a veteran of boomerang r’ships, I know well how it goes: after a blow up some time goes by, whatever the blow up was about seems less important, you miss each other, you start seeing each other again–there’s a nice ‘honeymoon period’ (yea!) until it wears off and then there’s another irritation leading to another blow up. Rinse. Repeat.
Eventually the breakups happen just one too many times and the last one is permanent.
Since you’ve been together less than a year Mar, I think you might look at it as you and this guy aren’t compatible–emotionally anyway, and certainly not in terms of how you handle conflict. Since odds of *fixing* him are slim to nil, you might want the next break to be the last. Dunno, but I do know living like this becomes extremely tiresome after awhile.
Good luck,
Selena