Couldn’t help but respond… I too had a similar situation – went on for a year and a half. Finally I was able to break the cycle. I won’t lie- it was brutally hard! I went through a bit of depression for a few months (two books that REALLY helped were “He’s just not that into me” and “They call it a breakup because it’s broken”). Turns out, the best way to get over a toxic relationship is to find another man! I now am dating the best guy in the world! Treats me like a lady, and doesn’t seem to have commitment issues.

Anyway, about 6 months or so have gone by since I broke up with Mr. Toxic, and we’ve recently become friends again. It turns out that in the end, it probably only lasted as long as it did because he couldn’t resist the sex. He didn’t really like me, but loved the sex! Now I look back at it all and wonder why I waisted so much time with Mr. Sex. My new boyfriend is a dream come true.

Well… hope that helps!

Try not to give him anymore “honeymoons.” I mean, that alone would keep me coming back. In other words, it maybe time to look for another “honey”. Us men, we are a dime a dozen….

Go forth, and find the guy who is worthy of you…!

I’m sorry that you are going through the same, I know it’s awful. I’m sure you’re right there’s something very wrong with them – their problem to figure out!

I sincerely hope we both find someone trustworthy, consistent, genuine, and a true friend. Let’s hold on to that hope and look always ahead!

Good luck and hugs to you too!

Mar

First of all thank you Jeff for manslating. As I said above, I think the explanation of his behaviour when he is angry, makes sense: that he wants to get away to avoid throwing that on me. The problem though does remain that he says “he really doesn’t like me,” which is already pretty aggressive, even if it doesn’t get any worse than that. And also that he can’t figure out what’s wrong and what needs to be talked and dealt with in the appropriate manner. I don’t understand his anger, and I don’t think it is justified, that is why I worry that actually, “he really doesn’t like me,” as he puts it. But it doesn’t make sense, why would he at other times says he loves me and that he wants to make it work? It’s not consistent behaviour. If there was anything he didn’t like about he, he could just tell me what that is, and we could discuss what to do about it. But he’s not really trying to deal with any of the issues – for instance, when he and I get back. So here’s why my need for understanding.

Selena, I think you must be a veteran of boomerang relationships: it’s exactly as you describe! Yeah, there are honeymoons too. But it keeps on repeating itself, the whole cycle, over and over again. And yes, it gets very tiring, very exhausting. We have split up already, and this may be the last time. Hopefully. I also agree with you that he must be very immature. I don’t think he is taking any responsibility to sort out our problems: getting back together and saying “I love you and I want to make it work” is not working things out.

AnneZ, yes I want stability, reliability and comfort. I’m not enjoying it. In fact, I think it’s pretty destructive. You are right that it is good that he is sufficiently aware of his anger and does not want to throw it on me, but as you point out it’s not sufficient cause he is not making anything to improve this situation. And yes “I really don’t like you”, even if that is only “sometimes,” is unnecessarily personal and aggressive. Truly, it knocks me down, emotionally. And now he is exactly doing the opposite: trying to convince me that he does truly love me and truly wants this relationship. Very intoxicating indeed, but where I am now, it means nothing. Not worth it anymore.

Susan, I think you are very right that this would be, long-term, a very destructive relationship. In the end, it would destroy whatever love there was to start with. Well, in fact, that love has worn out a lot by now. I think I have already realized that there’s nothing I can do about it now. It took a lot of pain to realize it though. One always tries to understand first. But eventually there’s no point.

Aurora and Cindy, yes I do have so much to take care of! I have resolved to start focusing on me and my own life now. I tend to think that we are all imperfect and have flaws, but I believe it’s possible to accept people as they are, and love them despite their flaws. And I believe with good will, patience and sympathy differences can be resolved. I don’t want any less than that in my life.

Many thanks to all of you for reading and commenting. I have found it very useful and very supportive: he and I are not together any longer, but he has recently started to beg that we get back together. But I’m now convinced that it’s very hopeless, and that I don’t want to be on that roller-coaster of emotions any longer. So I’m going stick to this resolution to end it for good.

Best, Mar