When The Clock’s a-Ticking, but There Ain’t No Ring On the Finger
We’ve got one I’ve seen up close ‘n personal once upon a time. What happens when a woman and a man are together for a time, and one of their younger siblings gets engaged after having been in their relationship for about the same amount of time? (Hint: If you are the guy in this situation, duck.) Read on for the whole scoop:
hi jeff,
your site rocks!
i just heard that my bf’s younger brother plans to propose to his live-in gf tomorrow…thrilling news of course!
soon thereafter, i felt totally depressed. we have been going out the same amount of time (~3 yrs), and our status seems happy and comfortable, yet stagnant…
to his credit, he wants to ‘support me’ as long as i need it (i am still in college and working part-time, he graduated a few years ago and is working at an established company). it is assumed we will be together for another halloween, birthday, christmas, etc…he calls me faithfully, considers my needs, makes me laugh. we don’t live together, nor have we ever gone on anything more than a day trip (unlike his brother and gf). this is partly by choice, but that’s another story.
anyway, i feel like this is a symbol of life passing me by, so to speak. i am 29 and looking to settle down, but want to do it with someone who is on the same page. i love my bf, but understand a man is only ready when HE is ready…if ever. the level of commitment his brother showers to his gf makes me wonder if i am worth something like that…or if i need to change my personality to demand the next level of commitment (i am introverted yet very warm and affectionate, the other gf is more outgoing, firm and opinionated, at least from my observations over the years). i have struggled with self-esteem issues since childhood, and have only started to blossom from the inside-out since our relationship…men are starting to pick up on it, and while i have never been unfaithful, i want to act wisely while i am in my personal prime!
i’d be most grateful for you insight, as i feel so sad at the moment, i can’t articulate a question. thank you so much.
Dear Ian,
Interesting situation, and while it’s not strictly about manslating a man’s behavior, in a way it sort of IS. Let’s see what we can do here. As I suggested in the intro, I do know a little something about this type of deal — Years ago I was in a long-term relationship, living together, etc. After many years together, her little sister got engaged. I could tell this weighed heavily on my girlfriend. It made me nervous.
Here’s why:
COMPARING APPLES AND MARRIAGES
You’re comparing two very unrelated things. If you’re judging your relationship by someone else’s relationship, it would be like judging your enjoyment of a TV show by observing how much your next-door neighbor likes her favorite TV show. I mean…watch the show or don’t, but it’s got nothing to do with what she’s watching. (Unless she watches House M.D., in which case, yeah, you should watch what she’s watching.)
And as I’ve said many times on here, men don’t seem to spend as much time on the meaning or significance of things as women seem to. Very broad generalization, but it does seem to have some truth to it, with the folks I hang out with. So, when you see that your bf’s younger brother is getting married, it might mean to you that time is passing you by, that you’re LATE, that you’re missing your chance, etc. As in, full alert!!!
Your boyfriend, however, is probably not making that connection between his brother’s engagement and your relationship. He’s probably thinking in terms of function, as in, “Ok, now that he’s getting married, what do I have to do? Throw a bachelor party, probably. Do I have to get off from work?” That kind of stuff.
I’m not suggesting that he does want to get married OR that he doesn’t. I’m not even suggesting that he can’t be made to understand what happened for you when you heard about the engagement. I’m saying that while you had this epiphany, those thoughts likely didn’t even cross his mind. At all. So as far as he knows, things between you two are exactly as they were before his younger brother’s engagement.
“A man is only ready when HE is ready…”
When you wrote this, I smiled a little. You say it as if it’s surprising in some way. Isn’t that true of you too? I mean, are you going to commit to a man because he asks? Or because you are committed? Sounds to me like the two of you had found some kind of a rhythm that was, as far as either of you were concerned, working for you. You say you love him, he is willing to ‘support’ you through school, etc. You don’t live together and haven’t travelled together — by choice, you say. If I’m understanding you correctly, this all was working for you until the younger bro got engaged. That’s when the dissatisfaction seems to have started. And as I said, likely only for you.
So as far as he knows, your relationship’s current state is perfectly fine with you. I mean, it seems that it WAS until, like, ten minutes ago when you found out about the engagement. If you want things to change, just realize that he has no idea that you want that. If you were cool with it last week and NOT this week, well, how would he know? No way. At all.
What I’m saying is, it might have nothing to do with him being “ready” or not. It could be that he’s just got no idea that there’s anything that he should be “ready” for. As far as he knows, stuff was working fine.
TICK TICK TICK TICK….BOOM?Look, I’m just this guy, ok? But I have to tell you that the worst reason in the world to push for marriage would be “because I’m worried about time.” That’s not a great reason to do anything, in my opinion, because it relies upon the assumption that you know how much time you have. And boy, you sure don’t. What if you had 2 more weeks to live? Cuz, uh, you might. Worth worrying about this? How about if you were going to live for 80 more years? Is it vital that you get married NOW rather than, say, to wait 2 years for the right situation?
I’m not saying to “relax, you have all the time in the world” because, wow, we sure don’t have that. I’m just reminding you that you can’t rush this because of a time constraint. It just won’t work. I don’t think you need to change yourself to “demand the next level of commitment” as you say. Commitment isn’t demanded or commanded. It’s either given freely or it doesn’t work.
WHAT TO DO NOW?
I guess what I’m saying is that you seem to have hit a “what are we doing here?” wall. But as far as he knows, nothing has changed. If you want something from him, you’re going to have to ask him for it directly because he doesn’t know what it is. And it sounds like you’re not sure either. It seems like you’ve come to a place where you’re taking stock of where you are vs. where you feel you should be, and you’re not sure what you can or should do about it. Can’t help you there, that involves translating a woman’s mind (i.e. yours) which ain’t my specialty.
All I can tell you is, if you have The Talk about this make very sure you can explain what’s going on with you. If you tell him that you heard about their engagement and it freaked you out and leave it at that, his first and only thought will be, “She wants me to ask her to marry me. Right now.” Period. There is no chance of him thinking anything else unless you tell him something else. What he’ll also hear is, “This isn’t about me, specifically. She just wants to get married, period, and she’s telling me I’d better fill the job or she’ll find someone who will.” This will be what he hears unless you get more specific with him.
Good luck, Ian. I hear that you’re very freaked right now, feeling like it’s passing you by. All you can do is to decide if you’re with the guy you want to be with, and let him know what’s going on with you. You can’t make him commit and you can’t screw it up either. If you’re the right people, this conversation will lead you to the right place. Actually, if you’re the wrong people it will lead you to the right place as well. Lucky!
What do you think, ladies? Words of wisdom for our friend Ian?
Posted: March 26th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time March 26, 2008 at 7:51 am
Ian
I think that if you haven’t been thinking about this up until now, there must some reason for that, even if it’s not obvious to you. May it be that you are studying and want to finish that first? May it be that the next important thing for you is to find a job? May it be because there are similar difficulties on his side?
Sometimes, when people do something like this, which we aren’t doing or thinking about doing, we get a bit freaked out. We worry that time is passing by us, or that we aren’t in the right relationship, or that we are not making the right choices. Perhaps that is true, but not necessarily. The good news is that it gives you an opportunity to stand back for a moment and think about your life and what you really want. It’s a bit of a kick-in-the-ass.
If you are getting a bit freaked out and anxious, perhaps because you don’t understand why it makes you feel like that, then take some time to stand back and think. If you reach the conclusion that something needs changing, then go on and do it. But you may as well find that you have the life you want and that you are happy with how it is. If so, congratulations.
Good luck, Mar
Comment from Amelie
Time March 26, 2008 at 8:45 am
Now let’s see….you have a boyfriend who is loyal to you and supports you. He is reliable and makes you laugh. he sounds pretty committed to me 
you’ve been together three years. Why not take time to see where things are going? Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be, judging by the high divorce rate and the way people change partners like underwear. Here is some advice from Cary Tennis:
“Some of your desires may be speaking in the only language theyknow, the hieroglyphics of cultural memory, in which virtue is symbolized by a village church and security by a wedding ring. It’s a deep and powerful language, but it is not always to be taken literally.
So give it some honest, careful thought: Is it marriage you desire, or is marriage a kind of shorthand for having things settled between you, for being able to trust him, for knowing that he places you first in his life, for knowing that you won’t be lightly abandoned.
“It may be that your very soul desires the ballast of a wedding, the magical stabilizing weight of that paper certificate that keeps you upright in a storm. It’s not strictly rational, but it’s what some people need. Me, for instance: If I’m ever in doubt about who I am I can take a streetcar down to City Hall and look at the marriage license.”
It sounds rather silly in that context.
I dunno OP, it sounds like you have a great guy there. Maybe you should be looking more within and asking yourself WHY you really want this.
Think about it. is it marriage you want, or validation?
Comment from mar
Time March 26, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Ian, one more thing: you don’t need to change your personality to demand the next level of commitment, as you put it. If you want to get on to the next level of commitment, then you want to do that with someone who knows how you are and loves you for who you are. Seriously.
Comment from lan
Time March 26, 2008 at 12:20 pm
many thanks jeff and others for your thoughts–after a couple of weeks, i’ve had plenty of time to sort out my initial feelings and get to the bones of what is really important to me (and not anyone else).
as it turns out, he also expressed dread that his family would be asking him if marriage was in the future as well! we’ve talked about it, and he said he wants to upgrade is financial/living situation first; of course i need to finish school. so we still have personal milestones to accomplish. during my dark moments of uncertainty, he reassures me that things are going to be ok. yes, i have a lot to be thankful for
your thoughts (both gentle and kick ass) are much appreciated.
my head is back on track. thanks!
Comment from fred
Time March 28, 2008 at 5:45 am
that’s great – and remember, 29 is YOUNG. Plenty of time for everything that matters, including growing together into a good thing.
Comment from graceless24
Time March 26, 2008 at 6:53 am
I think your advice was very well put. Much better than I probably could have ever verbalized.
One of our downfalls (here I am generalizing) is that when things change in our heads, and boy, do they, we don’t tell our male counterparts. Rather, we wait for them to figure it out, and if they don’t that only makes us even more mad, which worsens the situation… in our heads.
Over the years, I’ve learned that if I want something, I have to ask for it. Whether it’s in my friendships, at work, or in romantic relationships. That’s what Ian needs to do here. Cause you don’t get what you don’t ask for.