manslations

Interesting situation today. A reader named Susan is with a guy, they’re both in their 30s, both virgins, and after their first fight he’s pulled way back. Does it mean he’s out for good? What’s the deal when a fairly inexperienced guy has what may very well be one of his first relationship fights? Read on to find out:

My boyfriend and I are virgins(in our 30′s) & have been dating a little over 2 months. In the 1st 2 months,we saw each other 4-5 times a week. We used to frenchkiss & make out all the time (including fondling private parts). In the 1st month, he used to say “I can spend everyday with you”, and “I can’t wait to see you again” on the phone.

Ok, so far, so good.

On Valentine’s Day, he gave me 12 yellow roses, yet he claims he didn’t know yellow means friendship.

Well, you might want to cut him a little slack on the flower protocol. He’s a virgin in his 30′s — I’m going to go out on a limb and say he hasn’t spent a whole lot of time in a flower shop before.

We had our 1st argument 2 weeks ago. 2 days ago, he said he only wants to see me 1-2 times a week. He said the reason is we’re seeing too much of each other. I asked him if he’s seeing anyone else, and he promises he’s not. He says waking up at 430 in the morning for work tires him out to see me on weekday evenings. (He has to work weekends and his days off are on Wed and Thurs). He lives 26 miles from me. He used to not complain the 1st month we were dating. I’ll tell him I sent him e-mails, yet it takes him over a week or more to read them. He claims he’s been too busy to read his e-mails, even though he has time to watch t.v. (In the 1st month and a half, he used to e-mail me but not anymore).

Ok, here’s a situation where we can take another look at the Manslations Golden Rule — when there’s a conflict between what he says and what he does, forget what he says. He can say whatever he wants about “tired” but the facts of what happened seem to be:

1. You guys were having fun, being close, close, close.
2. You had a fight.
3. He is suddenly less available, both in person and via email.

Now, that’s not conclusively that he’s out of the relationship. But it’s definitely not about how tired he is. Seems pretty obvious to me (and to you as well) that something changed in that fight.

He claims when we go out it feels more like we’re friends rather than boyfriend/girlfriend – but he also said he thinks of me as a girlfriend.

I’m wondering what he means? I mean…he’s never had sex before. How does he know what the difference is, if you think about it? I wonder if this isn’t just more talk, and not the core of the issue…let’s see…

We hold hands while we’re out. We talk on the phone daily. But he’s never said “I love you”.

Again, this doesn’t completely blow my mind, given that he might have never had a serious relationship before. Could it be he has NEVER said that?

After our 1st argument, he doesn’t frenchkiss me anymore and only gives me pecks on the lips. We don’t hug as much as we used to, and the only real intimacy we have are massages on the back. Now he says he wants to take things slower.

Yeah, something definitely went down during that fight. Hm.

I feel like he’s giving me mixed signals on whether I’m a friend to him or a girlfriend. Is he just not that into me anymore? Could he be gay? I want a guy who can love me, but I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Dear Susan,

Here’s what I’m seeing. When a man pulls back like that, it’s usually one of two things:

1. He’s looking to bail out completely, and he’s starting to build up to that, or
2. He’s suddenly doubting what’s going on, and he’s afraid if you see his uncertainty, there will be a confrontation about it, and he wouldn’t know what to tell you.

There are a couple of big question marks in here for me:

THE INEXPERIENCE

30 years and no nooky. Was this a choice (religious, etc) or was this a case where it just never came together? Could it be that he has never had a real romantic relationship of any kind before? And if so, he might have never had a romantically related fight. Which, hoo boy, you really haven’t lived until you’ve had a few of those. And before you’ve had one, is it possible that you think that you’re not supposed to have ‘em?

Seems to me that every mature relationship has to pass through a few stages:

• STAGE ONE: Everything about her is perfect
• STAGE TWO: Holy crap, she’s a real person, not some perfect Relationship Angel! She’s a friggin’ mess! Just like me and everybody else! What the hey?
• STAGE THREE: And then either, “You know what? Nobody’s perfect, and I really love her,” or “Well, now that we’re in reality-land, hmm, maybe this isn’t what I was after…”

But what I’m wondering is, has he never faced the second part? Does he think that Stage One is all there’s supposed to be? And when you had this fight, he then thought, “Oh…I guess this really isn’t a relationship, since it’s not perfect.”Maybe he doesn’t know about Stage Three.

AND SPEAKING OF THAT FIGHT….

You don’t mention what, exactly, this fight was about. Was it a biggie? What was the issue? I can’t say much more without knowing that, but for whatever reason, this fight was the line of demarcation between frenchkissing/privatepartpetting and pecking/massages, as you say.

GAY?

I can’t say my gaydar went off during this. But then again, he is a virgin in his 30′s for some reason. He chose not to have sex with even one woman for three decades. I mean, by your 30′s, that’s the kind of thing that just shows up in your dayplanner some damn way. Even by accident. “I don’t know, I got really hammered, and there she was, the prettiest alewench at the Renaissance Faire, and what was a young apothecary to do?” (Hey, I don’t know what his life is like.) So I don’t know about “gay” necessarily. But it wouldn’t be the first time that that was the reason for this kind of behavior.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

Well, here’s the first thing you’re not going to do. And I think you know this already. You’re not going to convince him of anything. Definitely not by pressure, by pushing, by clinging. None of these things will ever keep a man who’s pulling back. And you’re also not going to mess anything up. So you might as well be straight with him, and give it one last shot. Here’s what I’d say are the pieces of information you want to cover:

• SOMETHING CHANGED WITH THAT FIGHT: Look, it’s time this was on the table. No more of this “I’m too tired to get emails, and let’s see less of each other” crap. It’s all just smoke.
• PEOPLE IN REAL RELATIONSHIPS CAN WORK PAST FIGHTS: He probably knows this intellectually, but it might help to set the stage for the next one…
• YOU’RE UP FOR IT IF (AND ONLY IF) HE IS: Sounds like, given all the fun and affection the two of you shared, it’s worth at least seeing what’s what. And if he’s up for it, great. But if he doesn’t want to bother, you don’t want to press him to feel like he has to pretend to be up for the challenge until you “catch up” to him on the “let’s break up” front. (Sorry about that one, ladies. I know we do that. Sorry, sorry.)
• YOU WON’T DIE IF YOU HEAR THE TRUTH: He’s behaving like he is because he’s afraid to say something, whatever it is. Tell him that nobody dies from saying what there is to be said.
• YOU WON’T DIE IF THE TWO OF YOU BREAK UP: Hey, you’d love for this thing to work out, but nobody wants to be in a relationship all by themselves. If you guys aren’t a fit then you aren’t. And you’d rather deal with that openly than play make-believe.

Good luck, Susan. Honestly, I’m getting a “Fade” vibe from him. He seems like he’s doing what I call “building a case” for the breakup. But in all fairness, he might just be too inexperienced to know what a relationship IS — as in, sometimes there are fights, but you work through. And if that’s the case, you don’t really lose anything by clearing the air with him. I promise, you’re not going to screw anything up — if it’s screwable, it’s already screwed. (I think Ben Franklin said that.)

What do you think, miladies? What’s to do with this guy?