manslations

Well hello there, manslatees. We start the week with a 3 month relationship in which the guy has told her that he “doesn’t know what he wants from her” and also he told her he loved her…but then apologized for getting “a little intense back there.” (For the purpose of this manslation, I’m going to assume that the “back there” part was in relation to WHEN it was said, and not WHERE, but hey, what do I know? I’m from Connecticut.)

So what’s up with this guy? Read on to find out:

Jeff,

I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 months. We’ve never discussed forming a relationship, but that seems to be what’s happening. When I ask him what he wants from me, he says he just doesn’t know. For a man to not know what he wants from a woman is a strange thing! I would be okay with anything he said. Sex Buddy, Companion, Friend, whatever, so long as it’s a response. I’m trying to figure out what “I don’t know what I want from you” translates into. Am I wasting my time while he’s trying to figure it out?

Last night as things got hot and heavy he said the “L” word! I was so shocked, in a happy way, I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was hold him close. Everything would be fabulous, but he apologized afterwards. Said, “I’m sorry I got a little intense back there, I was just feeling some strong emotions.” I have the feeling this guy’s been burned before and is just playing his emotions down for fear of getting burned again. Does he mean it or not?

Confused,
Shelby

Dear Shelby,

Two interesting and somewhat separate issues here, and they’re both great questions. We’ll take them one at a time, since that’s how my brain works. (Hey, you try typing two separate paragraphs at the same time and see how far you get.)

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT FROM YOU…MANSLATED

This one often means exactly what it sounds like. He likely literally doesn’t know. A lot of guys would respond in the same way to this question. It’s not that he’s being cunning, or that he’s holding back information that he actually has. He’s sort of telling you the whole truth on this one. Sort of.

See, when you ask a question like that, you’re butting right up against a couple of obstacles for him:

1. Most guys don’t think in those terms. He’s either getting what he wants from you or he’s not. If he seems happy with you, then what he wants from you is THIS. What you have. If he’s not happy, then that’s how you know that whatever it is that he wants isn’t THIS. But beyond that, I don’t think most guys are thinking in those terms.
2. Most guys aren’t exactly aces at expressing their feelings in words. We’ve got them. We feel them. They’re right there. And we act in strict accordance with them. But talking about them? We don’t really get it. We’re just not all that fantastic at putting what we feel instinctively into words. Which brings us to…
3. Most guys are pretty sure that you ARE aces at expressing feelings in words. And as a result, we hear you ask this question and we don’t want to screw it up too badly. We know that you know exactly how you’d answer the question. It would be like if a blackbelt said to you, “No come on, just try to hit me. Don’t worry about it, just give it a whirl.” He doesn’t want to a.) look like an idiot, b.) say the wrong thing and hurt your feelings or most likely c.) both. Also, he doesn’t want to get flipped by a blackbelt. Neither do I, now that I mention it.
4. Maybe he doesn’t know where YOU stand. When a guy says he “doesn’t know” in response to relationship questions, it could also mean that he knows exactly what he wants from you, but he’s pretty sure you either wouldn’t like his answer, or that you don’t share his feelings.

Here’s the thing, given your second question (which we’ll get to in a sec) I’d say that it’s not that he’s uninterested.

If you want a guy to answer that question honestly, by the way, you’ve got to be aware that he’s going to be reluctant. If the stereotype for men is that they can’t talk about what they feel, the stereotype for women is that if men say the wrong thing it gets put in red pen in our permanent file, to be brought out whenever we (inevitably) screw up again in the future.

Now, I know that none of YOU have ever been guilty of anything like that, heavens no. But he might be concerned that you might. You’re going to have to edumacate him on how to talk to you. As in, “Listen, you don’t have to say the right thing here. I just want us to be honest with each other. If you say something you don’t mean, I am NOT going to hold it against you or something.” Of course, the trick there is that you have to, you know, mean that last part. But once he knows that all you want is for him to be honest with you about WHATEVER is going on with him…well, he’ll still be pretty reluctant. But it’s a place to start getting him to a place where he’ll be a lot more likely to talk about it.

SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY “I LOVE YOU.”

Here’s a guess. I think he’s, again, being sort of honest here. I think he did feel some pretty intense stuff “back there.” However, you don’t mention having said it yourself BACK to him. Uh…ouch. Sounds to me like he might have said it, heard the deafening silence of you not saying it back, and hit the brakes at full speed to save face and keep it from getting wildly awkward. “Uh…dunno what came over me there. Just flew out of my mouth. Don’t feel the need to address it, let’s just pretend it never happened.”

Unless I’m misreading your letter, that’s my guess. He said it in the heat of the moment, not really thinking about it. Then, you didn’t say anything. Then when he had a second to take that in, he did some damage control on what he thought was maybe a pretty awkward moment.

Now, it IS possible that the intensity of the moment got past him, and he said “I love you” because that’s what he said in a past situation when he felt that intensity. I’ve heard about that one happening. Just slips out because, well, that’s what he says when he’s going at it like crazy. Possible. But if that were the case, I’d guess he’d have pulled WAY back after that. Like, you wouldn’t hear from him too much in the next couple of days. (He’d be acclimating you to the idea that he is NOT feeling that stuff at all, and doesn’t want to give you that idea.)

WHAT’S THE DEAL HERE? ANSWER: WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH YOU?

I think you might be right on that he’s kind of protecting himself. And I’m wondering if he’s doing that because he’s not sure where you stand. I read your whole letter, and I can only make an educated guess about that. I’m not saying that you have to bare your soul to him. But if you want him to feel comfortable being honest with you, you might have to take a step forward in that area as well, you know?

And look to how he spends his time with you. Does he just come over for sex? Does he like to spend time just being with you? How does he treat you?

Good luck, Shelby! From what you’ve told me (which isn’t the whole story, of course) I’m not getting a “player” vibe. But in order to tell, you’re going to have to maybe play a little “If you show me yours I’ll show you mine.” With your emotions, I’m saying!

Comments, ladies? Ever had a man say he loved you and take it back? How about the “I dunno what I want from you”?