What if SHE’S the One Who Just Wants the Sex?
We’ve got a bit of a puzzler here today. It’s not that the question is a tough one to answer. I’m just not 100% sure what the question is. Which is always fun for me to answer.
Seems like “Lynn” is getting some action from a guy in her class, and he’s been pretty clear that his intentions are sex and fun — which is fine by her. Her concern is…nope, I’m stumped. I think she’s afraid he wants more than sex, and she doesn’t.
Here, read the question, and then we’ll talk about what I THINK she’s asking:
Hi Jeff,
I love your stile , find your manslations irresistable. and hope that you can help me to understand how to behave with this much younger guy who is fun to be around, good kisser and does not hide his intentions – sex and fun. The problem is not that I want something more serious or romantic (in fact, with him sex and fun would suffice), the problem is that he shows a lot of passion and does go beyond kissing and talking. We meet at the class, hang out with other participants afterwards and than go our separate ways. He certainly might just enjoy the flirting, but I would like your advice on how to proceed without neither giving him up nor being frustrated.
Thank you,
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
I’m sorry if I’m being dense, but you seem to be describing a situation which contains no problems. It seems like what you’re saying is that you’re kissing (at least) and you both seem interested in just sex and fun.
THE “PROBLEM”?
You describe the “problem” as that he shows a lot of passion. Are you saying that you’re concerned that “He’s Just Too That Into You”, and you’re trying to keep the making out continuity without interruption by those troublesome “emotions” and all of that mess? If this is the case, I’d first like you to check in both of your pants, and make sure that each of you belongs to the gender group that you think you do. Look, you can’t be too careful about such things. (see: The Crying Game.)
But seriously, folks. Yes, of course I do realize that even though it’s usually the dude who wants the free lovin’ and the lady is looking for more of the “relationship,” guess what? It’s the 21st century, people. I know all about it. And it’s Freaky Friday, so what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? (I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Don’t put the shoe on the other foot. You’ll end up really hurting yourself.)
BAD NEWS/GOOD NEWS
Well Lynn, check it out. The bad news first. (That’s just the way it works with Jeff Mac. I eat all the cake and save the frosting for last, and if you can’t handle that, well, toughen up some, ok?) The bad news is that if he IS interested, you’re screwed. Or in this specific case, not screwed. If he is interested in more than just messin’ with your ladyparts and you’re not into it, well, there’s gonna be trouble. Nothing much to be done about it. If a guy has the audacity to respect you for more than your body, he’s likely going to have a really tough time with just messing around. Now, don’t get me wrong — he’ll still DO it and all. But he’ll likely grow more and more attached, and be less and less happy about the fact that you’re not interested.
The good news is, there’s no reason to sweat this scenario just yet. Why? Well, we’ve got two of the big Manslations concepts here. One is the Manslations Golden Rule:
If there is ever a conflict between what a guy says and what a guy does, always, always ignore what he says.
Now, usually this works in the other direction. He says he’s interested, but he does…um…you…and then leaves. In this case, that’s what you WANT him to do. And it seems like it is exactly what he’s doing, no? He’s not chasing you down. He’s hanging out in a group with you, and everyone goes their separate ways. He’s not following you home all the time. And that brings us to the Two Big Manslations Questions:
- Might he think this behavior’s going to get him laid? Well, sure. And without giving away the secret ending, ah, I think he’s right.
- Might he think this behavior’s going to integrate you further into his life? Mm…not from what you’re telling me. Sounds like he’s just fine with the amount of time he gets with you.
PROGNOSIS: NOOKY
(Manslator’s Note: I can’t wait for the new season of Prognosis: Nooky, can you?)
Good luck, Lynn! I think you’re fine. Feel free to fool around to your heart’s content, or whatever organ needs to be contented. Don’t worry about the passionate talking — just keep an eye out for any behavior that says “I want to spend more and more non-sex time with this girl. I want her in my life.” Behavior, I’m saying. Even if he says exactly that, you’re looking for actions.
Ladies of the world, what do you think? Should Lynn be concerned? Anything you’ve ever done to keep things nice and simple with a guy who “shows a lot of passion”?
Posted: April 4th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time April 4, 2008 at 9:09 am
Hello everyone!
Ok, this is a very confusing letter, but this is what I think she is saying after having read the letter 5 times…
She says the problem is that “he shows a lot of passion and does go beyond kissing and talking. ” I think the important bit is the second: he goes “beyond kissing” and he goes “beyond talking” and that’s the problem. She refers to these two, kissing and talking, as “flirting”, a few lines below. And she implies she only meets him at class. The “kissing and talking”, otherwise known as the “flirting”, could also be the “sex and fun” she mentions and she says would “suffice.”
Alright, assuming that all of this makes sense (and that’s a big IF) I think she is saying that she is flirting with a guy from her class, that they engage at least in kissing and flirting, and that she thinks that he wants more than that (because he goes beyond kissing and talking), but that she doesn’t want any more than that. And that she wants advice “on how to proceed without neither giving him up nor being frustrated.”
So I think the problem is that she is feeling pressed by his attention, and fears he wants more.
The answer: tell him what you are up for and what you are not up for. There isn’t anything else you can do? Whether he will be happy with that we do not know, but what we do know is that that is not up to you and you just have to take a chance and see what happens.
Best, Mar.
Comment from thursdaynext
Time April 4, 2008 at 9:14 am
I think she’s projecting!
Comment from mar
Time April 4, 2008 at 9:17 am
Note: I get the impression from that letter that they are not having sex, and that that is THE problem.
Why?
First, they only meet when they go to class, and people don’t normally have sex in schools/colleges.
Second, all she says regarding sex is kissing (“he’s a good kisser”), but she complains that he goes beyond “kissing.” And this she refers to as “the problem.”
Third, I think she is saying he wants to have sex with her because he is clear about his intentions (he only wants sex and fun), and because he goes beyond “kissing.”
So maybe she is upset because she is enjoying this “kissing and talking” (“flirting”) but does not want anything more.
Comment from mar
Time April 4, 2008 at 9:18 am
thursdaynext: what do you mean? projecting what?
Comment from thursdaynext
Time April 4, 2008 at 9:28 am
At first, I was under the impression that they were casually sleeping together, and she was worried that he wanted more because he “shows a lot of passion”. I thought that she was projecting her own feelings of wanting more out of the relationship onto him.
However, the letter is a bit confusing & I’m not sure that they’re even having sex. So, as you put it Mar, maybe that’s the issue at hand. Most confusing.
PS. I love this site!
Comment from Selena
Time April 4, 2008 at 10:09 am
Mar,
Thanks for trying to clarify this post. My first impression is the same as your #4 response: He’s passionate with the talking & kissing, flirting and all, but she’s impatient about wanting to get to the sex. And the problem is he is not attempting to see her outside of school so that can happen?
If that is the case, she asks for advice on how to neither give him up, nor be frustrated. Hmm. I’m not into casual sex relationships, but I’ll pretend today I am for the fun of it. Lynn, how about taking the bull by the horns and inviting him to your place? A little wine, some of that fun talking and kissing and then some removal of clothing? I mean you know what you want right? So where is the harm here of being assertive? If he doesn’t comply, you aren’t any worse off than you are right now, no?
I’ve never had a situation like this. Anyone who’s ever kissed me passionately has wanted to do more pretty quickly. If I were you, I’d be wondering if this guy had some kind of issue. Maybe all he’s do is kissing because it’s all he CAN? Impotence? Perhaps a girlfriend – one that he will cheat on by kissing, but draws the line at sex? Maybe he just gets off on all the flirting and really doesn’t want it to go any further with you? I knew a guy like that. Big flirt. Would come on all hot and heavy, but was all talk. Turns out he was being ‘kept’ by a woman 15 yrs. his senior. He referred to her as his “roommate”. God, he was a charmer!
Even in a casual r’ship, communication is the way to go. So, if you’re reluctant to overtly seduce him, you might just ask him, “Hey dude, when are we going to get together away from school so we can have some fun?” Whatever his answer is, at least you might find out where his head is at.
Comment from mar
Time April 4, 2008 at 10:35 am
LOL
Well, at least we have established that they are not having sex, that much seems clear!
At the beginning I thought “the problem” was that she didn’t want more than what she already has (namely, “kissing and flirting”), but Selena thinks that it’s the opposite and now I see that also makes sense… but this is not very clear to me yet.
I look forward to hearing what others make of it. I’m afraid that’s all from me today!
Comment from Aurora
Time April 4, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Are you guys sure they’re NOT having sex?
How confusing.
Um, Lynn… could you clarify?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 4, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Yeah, see, I just have no idea what’s going on. I thought I thought they were having sex…but now I’m not sure I think that. Lynn, you out there? I think we need a website called Lynnslations for this one.
Comment from Selena
Time April 4, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Really Jeff, that’s two in a row. If people write here for advice about sex it would be very helpful to know whether they are…um…actually having it or not. Maybe you need to put something to that effect on your Ask Jeff Mac page, eh?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 4, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Exactly. Maybe something like, “…and please, when you’re describing your situation, don’t forget to, you know, do that.”
Comment from hunter
Time April 6, 2008 at 6:44 pm
She only wants sex? Every mans fantasy woman!……LOL!…….
Comment from Selena
Time April 4, 2008 at 7:00 am
When I first read this I thought she was getting frustrated because he WASN’T going beyond kissing and talking. Re-reading she says he is? If all she wants is sex and fun, and she’s getting it, I have no idea what her problem is. Maybe she’ll step in and clarify.