How Soon Is Too Soon to Reveal…The BAD Stuff?
Ok, here we go folks. This is one of the biggies, I know. What happens when you’ve met a man who is just so crazy-perfect for you it’s stupid…but you’ve got horrible, horrible things to reveal about yourself? When’s a good time to tell him so that you don’t send him running for the hills? (Especially if you live someplace really flat, and he’s got to run a couple hundred miles to even find the hills.) When do you drop the bomb? Leighann wants to know. And lucky for us, she’s got three fantastic examples of the various kinds of thing you might worry about telling a man. Let’s see if we can help her out:
Dear Jeff,
I think I have met the man of my dreams. He’s everything that I have ever wanted! But (of course there’s a but, isn’t there always….) but, this question is not about him, it’s about me. I’m trying to figure out when in the relationship is the time to reveal the “bad” stuff about me…. I’m not talking Al Qaeda funding, puppy drowning, baby shaking or anything like that, but seriously not sure when is too soon and when is too late. Pls help!!!! Seriously….. I find your insight and humor incredibly on point and empowering for women, i.e. that you tell womento basically stop thinking that different rules apply when it comes to men and communicate w/ them like they are human beings (ok, almost….), yet, I’m still stuck here. So, here goes:
1. I’m in my mid-30′s, he’s 2 years younger. I’ve started the proces of freezing my eggs to preserve my fertility. Can’t tell if this is a good thing for him (i.e. takes some of the pressure off) or is a little de-man-izing (yes, I think it can be a verb….)
2. I don’t think we should have sex till we’re exclusive (we dated for about 2 weeks before we were separated by work travel for 5 weeks and have been communicating electronically since, so the deed is hanging out there like a huge proverbial pink elephant (and no pressure to answer or anything, but we are supposed to see each other again for the first time in 2.5 weeks…) and I don’t know how to bring this up w/o it seeming like I’m pressuring him to be exclusive (I have actually been on other dates since we’ve been apart, but don’t really want to anymore)
3. For the last few years, I have had an abnormal pap smear result, meaning HPV. Not the less than visually appealing wart kind, but actually, the pre-cancer type. Won’t hurt him, but could be problematic for his future sex partners.
So, when, where and how do I lay this on the line for him????? I realize, if he can’t handle it, he can’t handle me, but at the same time, everything has it’s time and place…. timing is everything, so they say…. Pls help!
Dear Leighann,
First of all, congratulations on locating the man of your dreams! And second of all, take a breath, ok? You are experiencing a very, very common fear. I know a ton of women who seem sure that they are the real-life equivalent of, I don’t know, some princess who has an ugly, evil twin that she keeps locked up in a tower somewhere, chained to a loom or something, and the second any man finds out, well, he’ll bail out faster than…well, then again, I mean…you do own a tower, I guess. That’s got to count for something in the coolness factor, doesn’t it? Hm. Eh, topic for another discussion, I suppose.
Let’s take each of your three issues (cunningly numbered 1, 2 and 3 — sexy!) and talk about how you might break these things to him.
1. IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE AN OMELETTE, YOU GOTTA FREEZE A FEW EGGS…
Hm. I’m not sure this one even needs to be discussed until it’s an issue. And I do mean “I’m not sure.” I’m not a “kids” person, myself. But if I were, I don’t think this info would qualify as a “bad” thing. I mean…from his perspective, all this is saying is that a.) you want kids, and b.) you’re making plans to make sure that happens. If he’s interested in having kids, I don’t think he’d have a problem with that. And if he is NOT interested in having kids, well, then you’ve both got a bigger problem than this news?
I don’t think it’s de-man-izing (regardless of whether or not that can be a verb.) And honestly, I don’t think it’s any of his business until and unless you want to make it his business. As in, when the two of you are close enough that you know you’re might consider making little yous. Feel free to file this one under “no biggie.”
2. NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN, AND NO HUMPING TIL EXCLUSIVE?
Ok, this is another one I wouldn’t think you need to file under “bad stuff.” This one is more about how you function. He’s got to be cool with that. It’s not something you need to apologize for, certainly. Here’s what I’d say about “breaking” this news. The point here is that you WANT to do it. You want to, and with him specifically.
What you’re not saying is, “You need to be exclusive.” What you’re saying is, “I really want to, but only when you’re ready to be exclusive. It’s just how it works for me. I’m not pressuring you, either. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. But this is just how it is for me, ok?” Any guy who doesn’t like them apples, well, he just doesn’t like your apples. Or…he’s only after you for your apples. Hm. The point is, if he can’t deal with exclusive-only sex, he doesn’t like you very much.
And besides, uh, this particular concern isn’t really as urgent as….
3. THE ACTUAL “BAD” STUFF
Ok, this is where you’ve just GOT to tell him before you’ve done it. Now, I realize that you have likely seen him since he’s been back by now. So all of this could be a moot point. But you just absolutely have to tell him about this before you do it. Here’s what I recommend. Look, you’re going to know when it’s time to tell him this. How? Because you’re going to want to do it. And he’s going to want to do it. And you’re going to be exclusive. (see #2. Oh wait. You wrote it. Right, right.) Here are a couple of tips:
- If he likes you, seriously, this is SO not a dealbreaker.
- He might not know what HPV is, so be prepared to educate. I didn’t really know myself and had to look it up, and I’m pretty much a friggin’ genius. (Hey, I said “pretty much” which, in this context, means “not.”) He might not know what it IS, what the risks are to him, to you, prevention, any of it. Before he’s got the slightest chance to be affected by this, he’s got to know that you know all of that stuff.
- I think the phrase, “Listen…before we go any further…there’s something that you need to know…” is a great time to start. It let’s him know it’s serious, let’s him know that you don’t feel fantastic about it, and it let’s him know that you’re looking out for HIM.
- Don’t play it up or down. Just tell him what it is, and let however you feel about it be there. If it really freaks you out to tell him, SAY that. Don’t try to “spin” it so it’s no big deal if it is one. And don’t pretend to be all apologetic and ashamed if you’re not. Just be how you are.
- Really, don’t worry about this one either. Honestly, this is not leprosy we’re talking about here. It’s the most common STI in the world. Maybe the universe (though Rigellian Crotch Mice is a pretty common one, out by Orion’s Belt.)
THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU TELL WHEN YOU NEED TO
That’s the real truth. You tell the bad stuff when you need to. Sometimes you need to because of a potential health risk to him, but sometimes you need to tell just because you need to. Because you’re close enough that you feel you WANT to share your deepest, darkest stuff. Because you’re with your person, and that person should be the one who accepts you, Rigellian Mice and all.
That’s the real truth here. If you’re with the right person, the timing of this stuff becomes less important. True love doesn’t have anything to do with walking on eggshells.
Good luck, Leighann! I’m guessing that a lot of this has worked itself out by now (damn you, backlog of manslations requests!) But if there are any secrets left to tell, don’t sweat it. If he’s the wrong guy, no timing is going to help. And if he’s the right guy, no timing is going to hurt.
What’s your method, ladies? When do you drop the bad stuff? And does anybody know where a Rigellian can fill a prescription for irradiated Megacillin 235?
Posted: April 7th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time April 7, 2008 at 9:49 am
PS Several web pages on HPV report that the virus disappears from the body after 2 years in 90% of women. It’s the virus that is contagious, not pre-cancerous cells.
Comment from Selena
Time April 7, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I don’t understand why #’s 1& 2 would even be considered bad. The conversation regarding freezing you eggs could come up quite naturally when discussing if you ever want to have children one day,– in general, not necessarily specifically with each other. All that means is you are not in a rush to get pregnant right now, but are giving yourself some insurance for the future. Heck! You might not even need those little eggcicles.
A lot of people want to be exclusive before having sex. The problem is when one person ASSUMES they are exclusive, and the other most certainly is not. Much better to get this card on the table to avoid misunderstandings. And if he dumps you because he wants to have sex with you (and whomever else as well) then he’s not really Mr. Right for you anyway, no?
What’s the statistic on HPV these days? Isn’t it around 50% of all sexually active adults have a form of it? That’s one in two people. Meaning there’s a fairly good chance that he has it himself.
Print out info regarding it from the internet to give him in case he isn’t already somewhat educated about it and just handle it matter of factly. If he wants to protect himself from getting it and potentially transmitting it to a future partner then he needs to take precautions. But he needs to be aware that he’d have to take those precautions WITH ANYONE he slept with given the prevalence of the virus and how most people have it without any symptoms or prior test results proving otherwise.
Really Leighann, if he balks at having a relationship with you for any of these reasons, I’d have to say the guy just isn’t as wonderful as you are making him out in your head to be.
Comment from Sarah
Time April 7, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I agree that #1 and #2 are not big issues. Regarding #3, I agree with Mar that you need to do some research. An abnormal pap smear does not necessarily mean HPV. You need another test to tell you if you have HPV.
Comment from mar
Time April 7, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Selena, yes HPV is a very common STD, and many people have the virus, even if they don’t have the symptons. But there is no precaution against it (except of course, by not having sex with anyone) because condoms are not enough protection: the virus is found on all of the genital area, and condoms don’t offer that coverage… This I have been told by health care professionals. There’s no protection against it.
But as I said above, the fact that she has pre-cancerous cells is not proof that she has the virus. For the virus disappears eventually from the body in a 2 years period (at least in 90% of women, much more quickly in younger women). It might be the case that she does not have the virus any longer and this might not be something to worry about at all. I’d consider that as a real possibility.
At any rate, you are very right: this is such a common STD that the guy could get it with anyone else.
Also important: if they do become exclusive, then there is no risk of spreading it onto other women. In men the virus only causes genital warts, NOT cancer.
I really think it’s not such an awful deal, and she should just do research and master this topic before telling him.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 7, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Dears: Surely, what reeks as “horrible” or even as “BAD” depends on the nose involved. If her ‘his’ has his own ‘horrible’ stuff [reasonable theory!], a ‘Date’ to exchange each other’s sour deeds and sweet dreams with each other would put such stuff in best perspective. [Woe&Whoa! that issue of "his future sex partners" is misplaced if he is really the Mr. Right.] FIRST task, Ms. Leighann, is taking care of your self’s body; knowledge helps. There’s constant [ceaseless, even] update of medical news; surf nets & learn more 2gether. As usual, Dear JM tied a perfect bow–”True love doesn’t have anything to do with walking on eggshells”. Happy Tet-aTeting!
Comment from Shelby
Time April 7, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I don’t think revealing that you have had the abnormal PAP is a bad thing. Make sure you tell him and be armed with all the info. your doctor gave you. And all the info. that you, yourself can research. He will appreciate it. I had secrets I had to reveal to my boyfriend as well. Much worse: I had to reveal some things about my employment. I had to reveal that #1 I’d worked as a dancer and that #2 I’d since quit, finished college and then got a Federal job. You want to reveal that you’ve begun the process of freezing eggs? How about explaining that your 14 year-old has a poor relationship at best with her father and that she has learning disabilities and ADD. Big stress stuff! If he is the right man for you, he will listen and be accepting. Of course it may be alot to absorb and he may need a breather to absorb it. Jeff and the others gave you some valuable advice.
Comment from Selena
Time April 8, 2008 at 6:30 am
Mar,
Regarding HPV: I didn’t know the virus disappeared from the body within two years. I believe I did read however it can stay in the body, but be ‘dormant’.
Also, if she indeed does have it, dormant or otherwise, being monogamous isn’t the same thing as addressing the issue of transmitting it to a future partner if he DOES contract it from her. They are just starting to date! What guarantee is there that they will stay together months, let alone a lifetime? It’s a valid thing to consider.
The burden of HPV falls to women in terms of getting regular pap smears. But if a man KNOWS he carries the virus it is his responsibility to inform a potential partner of this wouldn’t you agree? It’s conceivable a man wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who has HPV just to avoid such a future discussion with another woman. Where education needs to come in.
And condoms aren’t foolproof for preventing the transmission of ANY std’s. They certainly can help however, particularly because a man has an “outie”-the part most likely to be involved in sexual contact.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 8, 2008 at 7:03 am
I think what we’ve established is that the REAL question is: how soon should Selena reveal to a man that she will be referring to his equipment as an “outie”?
Thanks so much for all the comments, you guys. The key is most definitely, I think, that #1 and #2 are kind of not an issue, and #3 mostly requires that she show up to the conversation with all kinds of info. Probably not, like, a pamphlet rack from the pharmacy, but something.
Comment from mar
Time April 8, 2008 at 7:54 am
Selena
Yes I agree that he should have a choice, and that it should be discussed before having sex.
I also agree there is no way of telling how long they will be exclusive. I just meant to say that it is “less of an issue” in a long-term, exclusive relationship.
The virus might disappear completely. It doesn’t mean that it will disappear. Only that it disappears in a large % of cases.
I think the virus can also be dormant: be carried but without the symptons.
Sorry I didn’t mean everything I said to you. Only the part on precautions. The thing with this virus is that it is gotten by skin contact between genital areas (not very clear about oral sex, but apparently there is also some risk). I guess this explains why it is so spread. Because condoms don’t cover the whole area that carries the virus, and you only need skin contact between the two genital areas.
Anyway, it’s complicated. That’s why I think she should do her research before dropping this to him.
Mar
Comment from Selena
Time April 8, 2008 at 9:32 am
Yes Mar, I agree with you. Several years back a partner of mine cheated on me and the woman he did it with came up with HPV revealed from an abnormal pap. She was (still is I suppose) convinced she contracted it from in.
Because of the possibility *I* might have had it also (given the circumstances) I read tons of information about it on Webmd and other internet sites. One of the things I read is that a woman could contract it at 18 and not have it show up until she was in her 30′s, 40′s, or 50′s. A routine pap won’t reveal it. An abnormal pap is cause to have tests done to see if HPV is present-it may, OR MAY NOT be the cause of the abnormal pap.
Given that an estimated 50% of the adult population may have one of HPV’s 70 different forms & the extreme dormancy period–about the only way you can determine WHO gave it to you is if you’ve only had one partner if your life. And there is lot’s more info out there than just this.
I’ve been tested for HPV several times in the last 5 yrs. and so far have been negative. As far as my (now ex) bf is concerned, I don’t know if he ever got tested (rather doubt it), but he could have been a carrier or not. HPV should not scare anyone out of intimacy, but I think the expectation of life-long monogamy to someone you just started dating might! LOL. Education is everything.
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Time October 28, 2008 at 6:30 am
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Comment from mar
Time April 7, 2008 at 9:32 am
Hi
I agree #1 and #2 are not such bad things.
Regarding #1, I don’t think it’s a bad thing, and I don’t think this is something you’ve got to tell anyone, if you don’t want to. Obviously, you would want to tell him if you become serious and a stable couple and want to have children. But in the meantime, it’s none of his business, or anybody’s business? I mean, it’s something that Leighann could tell or not, if she wants and when she wants.
Regarding #2, also not a bad thing, I don’t think. Many people want to be in exclusive sexual relationships. Obviously, you’ll have to tell him sometime before you have sex with him.
Regarding #3, it’s not good news, but it’s not such a bad thing. But I agree it’s something you need to tell him before having sex. But above all, I think you need to do your research first. Are you sure that you have the virus? There are no tests to know if you have it unless you have the symptons (the warts). Also, I think it’s not clear that HPV causes cancer in women or that it is the only factor that could cause cancer in women. So the fact that you have pre-cancer cells is not 100% proof you have the virus. Also I think the virus is dealt by the body and disappears from it in a period of 3 years. Check into these things before dropping something like this. There is no big risk for him, but it could mean that he would put other women at some risk, so he ought to have a choice.
Good luck Leighann.
Mar