How Do You Know When He Just Wants You For Sex?
Today, we’ve got a pretty common question: How’s a girl supposed to know when a guy just wants you for sex? And the solution is very, very simple, once you know what you’re looking for.
How do you know if a guy just wants you for sex? He claims he wants more than sex. Well, we recently had sex and after I left he called to make sure I was ok. I called him the next day, and he laughed and asked why I was calling him, he said I thought we agreed I would call first. Am I being insecure, or is he really telling me the truth that this is more than sex? He also encourages me to cal him if I need him. Are there rules how many times I should call vs he should? And should I call him again, or wait until he calls?
Dear Alice,
Well, before we get into the specifics, I think it’s time, once again, to recap the Two Big Manslations Questions (with that catchy, and yet oh-so-descriptive title!) The aforementioned (right there — last sentence. See how I aforementioned ‘em?) questions are:
- Might he think that this behavior will get him laid?
- Might he think that this behavior will get him more non-sex time with you?
If you can answer both of these, you know if he’s just in it for sex, or if there’s more. If the answer is yes to both questions, he’s interested in more. If it’s only yes for #1, he’s just in it for the sex. And if it’s only yes on #2…I don’t know, he’s a close relative?
But no need to worry about that last one. #1 is already written in pen. He does think his behavior towards you is going to get him laid because, well, it did.
So, how about that second question? Well, it’s hard for me to tell with so little info, so you’re going to have to judge on your own. Is he looking to spend more non-sex time with you? I’m a little wary about his “I thought we agreed that I would call first.” Not sure what that’s about. But that in itself could just have been a little joke. The real test will be his behavior.
THE RULES ON CALLING
Here are all the rules on how many times you’re allowed to call vs. how many times he calls:
Rule #1: There are no such rules. Not even this one. Wait, though. This one’s already written, so how can I say that there are no rules…and I’ve got a headache.
There is an addendum to this rule. Err…lack of rule.
Addendum to That Non-Rule: This lack of a rule only applies…or…doesn’t apply…sigh, here’s the thing. If the guy likes you, there are no such rules here. If he likes you, he’s not going to dislike talking to you, no matter who calls. It’s only when a guy just wants you for sex that he might want to impose rules here.
THE BIG MISTAKE WOMEN MAKE ABOUT CALLING TOO MUCH
Here’s the deal. Somewhere along the line, women got the idea that you might “scare a man off” if you call him. And I can see how they got the idea — their experience went like this: We humped, I called, he bailed. And the mistaken assumption is that the “bailing” was a result of the “calling.”
Absolutely, categorically never true. Ever.
In that situation, it REALLY went like this. Guy only wanted to hump, he humped, mission accomplished. The call occurred long after he bailed, which happened the instant you humped. In fact, he was never there to begin with.
The point I’m making is, if the guy’s in this thing just for sex, you’re not going to mess that up. It’s already messed. And if he likes you, calling won’t mess it up either.
SHOULD YOU WAIT TO CALL NOW?
Well, here’s what I’d say. In this specific situation, I’d wait and see if/when he calls. NOT because you’ll mess anything up by calling. Only because right now you say you don’t know where he’s at. Well, wait around for him to call and you’ll find out exactly where he’s at. If he waits for a couple of weeks and wants to get together at his place? Yep, you know what that means. If he calls you in a day or two and wants to get together in a not-necessarily-sex-only setting? You know what that means.
Good luck, Alice. And don’t sweat it. All will be revealed very soon.
What do you say, ladies? Rules on calling? Is this guy just a hump-n-bail, or what’s the deal?
Posted: April 8th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time April 8, 2008 at 7:44 am
Jeff,
I agree there are no rules about calling.
But people do make their rules when they make agreements – that is, the rules that apply to them. Sometimes you say someone “I’ll call you” and that’s what you want, you want to decide for yourself when to call the other person.
So, if this is what this guy has said, there might be a reason for that. And if he has her calling next day, that might have annoyed him. (I don’t know, just speculating.)
In general, I think, in a relationship, you want to be able to decide (with the other person) how it’s going to work. So, as a general rule, I think if there is an agreement on a matter, then that’s how it should be for the two persons concerned.
Having said so, I also agree that when people like each other they don’t get annoyed when they are called by the other person. So I’m not getting a very good vibe about this guy. And I also agree that you can tell whether there is more than an interest in sex, by answering yes to your second question.
On the whole, I think this is very good advice.
Mar
Comment from Selena
Time April 8, 2008 at 9:59 am
I hope the “I thought we agreed that I would call first” statement was a joke. Like Mar, it gives me a bad vibe about the guy.
Really, people who like each other, liked to be called. So it shouldn’t be weird to call someone you slept with at all. The rule I think should be one related to mirroring behavior–if someone calls you, then in turn you can call them. Once or twice. If someone doesn’t call you, or call you back, you don’t go on to call them 4-8-12 times to hunt them down and make them talk to you! As tempting as that might be. Sigh.
Comment from Susan
Time April 8, 2008 at 10:19 am
“I thought we agreed that I would call first”
Did you really agree to that?
Can you only call him if you “need him”, or can you call to say hello?
Not a great start, in my opinion.
Comment from Hannah
Time April 8, 2008 at 10:55 am
I tend to think you CAN mess it up by calling or calling too much. As an example: I might be interested in a guy and getting to know him better, but since he’s emailed me FOUR times in the last couple days without me having a chance to respond to the first email yet, my feelings have changed a bit. I’m thinking: Oh S#$%, this guy is a cling-on in a really big way. He’s thinking way too much about me and we just met! So, I never got the chance to wonder about him–or hardly even breathe in between his emails. See what I mean? So, I think, in the early stages of a relationship, while perceptions and feelings are still being formed, too many requests for contact in a short period of time can turn a person off real quicklike. My .02
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 8, 2008 at 11:37 am
Just to clarify — to “keep calling” or “hound” or “call too much” — absolutely. Those will scare a guy off. And frankly, they should. That’s weird behavior.
But in terms of a man being scared off just because a woman called (as in, called the day after a date or something) is…well, here’s what I’ll say about that. I know it gets said a lot, “the chase” and “the woman shouldn’t call.” I’ve heard that. But I have never (and I’m talking literally NEVER) heard even ONE man talk about a woman who he:
a.) liked a lot,
b.) received A call from her, and as a result,
c.) stopped liking her.
I’m saying literally never one time have I heard about that. If the guy in that example bails, it’s because he wasn’t interested to begin with.
Now, if it was:
a.) likes her a lot.
b.) she calls him eleven times in 2 days.
c.) stops liking her.
Well, yes. That’s a man afraid for his life.
Comment from Terry
Time April 9, 2008 at 7:49 am
A “hump-n-bail?” You should patent that one, Jeff (hey, if Trump can try to patent, “You’re fired!”….)
If the guy said he’d call, I’d wait for him to call. If he called, great. If he didn’t call, I figured his word wasn’t good for much and that he’d done me a favor.
I agree with Susan on “I thought we agreed that I would call first.” Who even says that?
I think Alice can do better.
Comment from lynn
Time September 3, 2008 at 2:22 am
So, I meet this gut at the airport and we hit it off tremendously. He text messages me almost the entire two weeks I am out of town. Insistant that we get together upon my return. We have met for a beer and a bight to eat, he has made me dinner, and we have gone on a road trip together all in 2 weeks time. I have not been interested in someone in years,but I feel like letting my guard down with this one. The problem is on our 5 hour drive back home, after an amazing day at the grand Canyon, he tells me he knows he is not ready for a relatioinship. He says he is not happy with himself and doesn’t think it’s fair to expect someone else to be. HUH??? The night before he tells me he knows it’s time to let go of hos frat boy days and look for something that has some substance. Although he says that it’s hard to let those days go. He has even metioned future trips(months down the road)with me. I want to say hey pal this is called dating. And dating can lead to a relationship. I have no idea how to handle him. Should I leave him be for a while, and let him come to me?
Comment from Alicia
Time October 29, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I really do not think the focus should be on the calling issues. The fact that you do not feel desired for anything other than sex is a red flag. This is and will lead to an unhealthy relationship if it gets that far. On a positive note, if you do not feel attached in some emotional way (which is a very complicated thing to do for our gender) I say, turn the tables. You use him! Go on enjoying your life and exploring your options! Play the grounds a bit and find a man that will desire to be with you other than a booty call! Any gal can be a booty call, you deserve more.
If you are still thinking about the calling rules… no. There are no rules. You do what feels right without being mentally derranged! You know, no obsessive calling. If there is a mutual attraction, calling and being called is a booster for your day! Good luck 
Comment from Jessica
Time December 2, 2009 at 3:24 pm
ok so i kinda have a question like this my friend (and its really my friend) was almost raped a few weeks afo by her ex and she told her current boyfriend and at first he was the normal oh i’m gonna beat him up but after that he kept on persisting that she have sex with him like they normaly do even tho she wasn’t ready and now shes starting to notice that everytime she comes over and they end up having sex afterwords he starts playin games watchin tv talkin to other people online or goin to sleep and completly ignoring her so i’m wondering and so is she if this means that all he ever wanted was sex.. please write back as soon as possible. thank u
Comment from Aurora
Time April 8, 2008 at 7:11 am
I disagree Jeff. In the beginning of a relationship, the guy should be doing most of the calling. If you keep calling him and hounding him… you will scare him off. Guys are hunters. We need to let them hunt us. I know it sounds so 1950’s, but unfortunately it is true.
Here’s one of my favorite quotes. ‘Men will call you if they are interested… If they’re not interested, they hope you won’t call them.’ (from Mimi Tanner’s book ‘Calling Men’)
Once you have a more stable relationship, the ‘calling’ rules change.