What’s Up With Him And that Ex?
-->Today, we’ve got a girl who has a guy who used to have a different girl. Elizabeth is concerned that her man is still hung up on the ex. Let’s see if we can tell from his behavior what’s really going on…
Hello!
I had come across your site after trying to google the situation I am in the best way I can to see what others that have been in the situation have to say about it. Ironically, I came across a question from an Elizabeth- like me, who was unsure if her ex was still in love with his ex after discovering he had a key to her apartment.
(For further reading, the post she’s referring to is this one, and there’s a good bunch of comments on there.)
My situation is this…
I had met a guy at a bar one night and ended up dismissing his potential BUT found out an old long time mutual friend was his roommate- this was in a very big city. Over the past year we had run into each other on three very random separate moments. We decided that we would grab a drink together one day and ended up flaking out and never actually had gotten that drink.
Not a fantastic sign that you “dismissed” him on the first night. Isn’t that the part where you’re all nutsy and/or ookly for each other?
Meanwhile, I was tangled up in a relationship that was 5 years strong and another three years of on and off.
Ah. Well, that certainly explains the dismissal pretty solidly.
I had come to the point with that relationship where I realized that this is not somebody I am in love with, this is a person I just love and care for and that he really does not make me happy. It took about 4 months for me to let go of my ex completely to the point of not speaking but when I finally separated myself, I was certain it was for good.
Good for you — 4 months falls nicely in that healthy zone between, “I think we should see other peop– ooh, that guy looks cute!” and “I still am SO hung up on…wait, what was his name again?”
I had not heard anything from the guy that I had been randomly running into since early spring. 9 months later and 8 days after cutting my ex off completely- I get an email requesting I join him for a drink one night after work.
What fantastic timing. How eeeeeenteresting…
Ehhh… I thought… but something kind of clicked in my head- I thought, I need to do this. So I said yes and only thought about flaking out but never did.
Hm. Yet another less-than-fantastic sign for how much you like him. “Ehhhh…” and “I need to do this.” Exactly how I feel about getting my teeth cleaned, to be honest with you.
Next thing you know, I am having a great time but staying very very distant. I would make myself appear “very busy” and like I was not interested. But he would send me messages via email all day at work and he was so cute when we were going out, I could not help but to fall for him.
After going out for over a month, I was at his ex roommate’s for a party. I asked him if he would approve of his sister dating him and he said yes BUT… he is like you and has a situation with his ex and to be honest, I can’t even see him with anybody else but her.
Yikes! Holy apepoop. (On a side note, what a great ex-roommate! Remind me the next time I have a roommate to work out a Cockblocking Security Deposit of some kind.)
The next week we are out and I decided I wanted to be open with him about the past years of my life thinking… maybe he would feel comfortable opening up with me.
Always a bit of a mistake with a guy. Kind of like thinking, “Hm. My dog is eating really quickly. I’ll eat slower, and maybe he’ll get the hint and HE’LL eat slower.”
Not a word was mentioned. This is very strange to me.
Mm-hm.
In the world of social networking I know who she is because of tagged photos of her on his profile from way back.
Oh, you kids today with your “information.” Whatever happened to the good old days where if someone had trouble in their past, you had to find out about it when his maiden aunt came to call…at your quilting circle…or something? (Answer: “Nothing, because you just made those ‘good old days’ up, you manslating twit.”)
I discovered that he was dating her again over the summer and he still has two framed photos of him and her in his room (along with many other photos)
Yikes and apecrap times two!
My concern is that this is a sign he is emotionally unavailable or really not over his ex. It has been about 2 months now and I feel like if she is even a really good friend, I want to know that from him. I would understand but he can’t be open about it? Is this a red flag? I mean on one hand I feel like he has chased me for a very long time and was very patient. He also keeps making long term plans with me– like things to do that are months ahead and wants to go on a weekend get away. I just feel that it is possible he can really like me and enjoy my company but I am not the person that will have his heart…
What are your thoughts?
Dear Elizabeth,
Oh, you ladies with you’re “If he’s friends with the ex, I want to know it,” and your simultaneous, “Jeez! All that douche did was talk about his friggin’ EX!” What’s a poor boy to do?
Ok, here’s what I think. You said that he had last dated her over the summer, yes? Well…that’s kind of a while back. Like, it’s longer ago than your 4-month post-relationship-recalibration-period. (You know, where you have your feelings rotated, tighten up your…sigh…let’s just let one metaphor go, shall we? For once?) The fact that he was dating someone half a year ago — even someone important, is not necessarily a bad thing.
PICTURESSSSS….IN THE CORNER OF MY MIIIIIIIIIND!
He’s got some pictures up of him and her. Well, I don’t know about that having a huge meaning here. I mean,it doesn’t mean that he puts on his footie pajamas, and lays down on the bed, head in hands, and gazes at it. It really doesn’t. I think all you can take from the photos is that a.) he doesn’t hate the girl’s living guts, and b.) he doesn’t know better than to have a picture of an ex up when a new girl comes around. I can only imagine that if I owned a camera, I’d likely have been guilty of the same foolishness at times.
RED FLAG?
Mm…I can’t give it a full-on red flag status here. I think there are questions worth exploring. But I don’t even know that you’ve got enough info to go for a Yellow Flag of Relationshippal Caution (available in the gift shop for 9.95. Euros only, please. In this economy? Please, I’m not a fool.)
What you’ve got here is a topic of conversation. See, here’s the thing. All you’ve REALLY got to go on is the ex-roommate. He’s the one who has decided that HE can’t see this dude with anyone but the ex. So now, now you’ve got this information, and no other information. And you’re trying to interpret ANYthing the guy does to confirm or deny it. Bad mojo, Elizabeth. Bad idea along the same lines as making a major life decision based on your horoscope. What you end up doing is deciding whatever you were going to do anyway, and pretending you’ve got “proof.”
WHAT TO DO? SURRENDER YOUR INTEL
Here’s what I’d suggest. Look, you’ve got this information from the ex roomie. I say, fess up. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say, “Listen, I realize that this is the worst way in the world to get information, but I was asking Klaus (hey, I don’t know what the ex-roomie’s name is) if he’d let his sister date you, and he said YES - yay! And he also siad that you had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship, and it’s kind of put the whammy on me. It freaked me that you’d never said anything about that, and all I have to go on is Klaus. I don’t want to be freaking out based on the advice of a toymaking elf from Norway (again, I don’t know anything about this guy.) I guess I just let this get into my head, and I think I just need to hear the REAL version of the story. I know, I know, I should have just come to you first. But…well, this is how things went.”
Something like this will a.) get the conversation started, and b.) put the focus on YOU (i.e. “Sorry I was snooping about you without just asking you) instead of on HIM (”So, why haven’t you told me about your ex, huh, smart guy!?”) The point here is that if you even semi “accuse” him of anything, you’re not going to get the truth. You’re going to get him scrambling to tell you what you want to hear.
Good luck, Elizabeth. Honestly, I’m not getting major warning vibes here. Sounds like he likes you. But it also sounds like you need a little reassurance. If he likes you, he should be able to handle that.
What do you think miladies? Is this guy still on the ex, or what? How should Elizabeth deal?
Posted: April 9th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time April 9, 2008 at 8:38 am
Chronology is a bit sketchy, but from what I’ve pieced together they kept running into each other when they were still in relationships with others. Relationships that were on the way out. By the time they actually did start getting involved, BOTH relationships had been over for at least 4 mos. ? As of writing to Jeff, they had been seeing each other 2 mos. She wonders if he might still have “a thing” for his ex based on what his ex-roommate said after they had been going out for a month. He has 2 framed pic’s of the two of them in his room, along with several others pic’s of friends. Is he still carrying a torch?
I don’t think you can say so based on the slim evidence. The pic’s? I agree with Jeff that there up because he just doesn’t despise her enough to take them down. They hang out with other photos of friends–a part of his life at that time. I have entire photo ALBUMS of same. He may just be clueless that such photo’s *displayed*, can be inappropriate when you get a new lover.
I also wouldn’t take the former roomie’s opinion as gospel either. It’s just an opinion and one that may not be revelvant as the r’ship has grown between the guy and Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, you know, it occurs to me that you may be projecting a little bit here. That is, do YOU still have some not-quite-resolved feelings towards your ex? Could that be making you suspicious that your new bf is feeling the same?
This relationship is still new. I’d stay in the “see how it goes” mode and wait to see if any actual *evidence* crops up, before jumping to conclusions about the guy still pining over his ex. And personally, I wouldn’t have the “little talk” Jeff suggested about what the roommate says. Seems to me that would just make the guy uncomfortable and pissed off at his friend. (”What were you doing man? Running your mouth like that!”)
Why don’t you just concentrate on your relationship? Do you spend alot of time together? Are you getting closer? The future has a way of taking care of itself, without all this kind of second guessing.
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 9, 2008 at 9:40 am
I wouldn’t say anything, either. Selena is right on: the future has a way of taking care of itself.
What possible difference could it mean in the here and now if he’s “hung up on the ex”? If it’s true, it will manifest shortly and she’ll either be too uncomfortable to continue with him or he’ll break off with her anyway.
Really, it’s too much to expect that a 2 month relationship can compete with a major recent relationship. She and he will either grow to love each other and this relationship will eclipse all others (for BOTH of them) or it won’t.
I say do not cause trouble between the boyfriend and his pal. Just be grateful the roommate gave you some intel and lock it away. It’s not the kind of intel that has to be acted upon. The new relationship has to stand on its own. The intel may even be true for NOW, but 6 months from now you may have caused him to forget she ever lived. Interrogations and accusations aren’t likely to help that particular process.
Neither do I think he’s “hiding” anything from her. Out of respect to our previous partner we don’t usually need to be exposing all the expired intimacies. Do we really enter relationships thinking “oh, in about 2 years, all these risks I’m about to take with you are going to be fair game for you and your next partner to mock and dissect?”
I say let everyone have their privacy, including the blabative pal. If you get him in hot water with your boyfriend, he’ll never tell you anything again. Just let your new relationship develop. Assume that he has been around the block once or twice and do not expect him to pour out his past like a sinner in a confessional. Expect that one day he will also show some respect to the memory of YOU.
Comment from Selena
Time April 9, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Anne Z,
“Blabative”–I really like that word. I need to remember it.
I also agree that we don’t need to pour out our feelings regarding previous r’ships to new loves as if in a confessional. Truly, some things ARE a matter of privacy, especially when they involve breakups which can be quite painful. I don’t think the fact he chooses not to talk about his ex indicates anything sinister.
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 9, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Selena,
Enthusiastically agree.
(and thanks!)
Comment from mar
Time April 9, 2008 at 8:00 pm
On reflection, I think there is no good reason to support the conclusion that he is emotionally unavailable or not yet over his ex-gf.
Yet, I understand why she finds herself in this situation: she hears about the ex-gf, she sees her pictures in his place, and in his social networking profile… and yet, he never mentions her (right?).
This is food for imagination, and perhaps she is indeed imagining things that are not there. I know I would find myself thinking about it.
I agree that having a conversation with him and mentioning the room mate is not a good idea. I also don’t think she should expect him to “open up” emotionally at that very early stage of the relationship.
But what I do not understand is why this has become between them some sort of tabu? I mean, what’s wrong with, say, looking at the pictures on the wall and ask who the people on those pictures are? And what’s wrong with him saying “Oh, this is [name], my ex-gf”? If there is nothing to hide, then there’s nothing to hide!
I am not sure I have understood well this reader’s situation, partly because I think that a lot of important info is just not in her letter, but I get the impression from her letter that there is no talk and no recognition of this ex-gf, and that she only knows about her from other sources. If that’s the case, then that’s weird. And I find it understandable it is bothering her. It might well be that there’s really nothing to worry about, but I can see why the lack of openness and frankness is distressing on its own.
But if it’s not the case, then simply disregard all of this. If what bothers her is that he is not talking a lot about her, or telling her everything she wants to know about it, then I think that’s just the wrong expectation to have in the early stage of a relationship.
The blabative room mate deserves indeed a good kick in the ass.
Mar
Comment from mar
Time April 9, 2008 at 8:04 am
Hi
I don’t know what to say. Perhaps there is no major warnings here, but I’d regard the fact that he has never mentioned this gf to her as a major warning… Why? Well, because it’s sort of hiding something, and one wonders why he would want to hide that…
(By the way, I thought asking another guy whether he would like his sister dating him was an interesting way to fish for info. I may try that sometime.)
Mar