Yet, I understand why she finds herself in this situation: she hears about the ex-gf, she sees her pictures in his place, and in his social networking profile… and yet, he never mentions her (right?).

This is food for imagination, and perhaps she is indeed imagining things that are not there. I know I would find myself thinking about it.

I agree that having a conversation with him and mentioning the room mate is not a good idea. I also don’t think she should expect him to “open up” emotionally at that very early stage of the relationship.

But what I do not understand is why this has become between them some sort of tabu? I mean, what’s wrong with, say, looking at the pictures on the wall and ask who the people on those pictures are? And what’s wrong with him saying “Oh, this is [name], my ex-gf”? If there is nothing to hide, then there’s nothing to hide!

I am not sure I have understood well this reader’s situation, partly because I think that a lot of important info is just not in her letter, but I get the impression from her letter that there is no talk and no recognition of this ex-gf, and that she only knows about her from other sources. If that’s the case, then that’s weird. And I find it understandable it is bothering her. It might well be that there’s really nothing to worry about, but I can see why the lack of openness and frankness is distressing on its own.

But if it’s not the case, then simply disregard all of this. If what bothers her is that he is not talking a lot about her, or telling her everything she wants to know about it, then I think that’s just the wrong expectation to have in the early stage of a relationship.

The blabative room mate deserves indeed a good kick in the ass.

Mar

Enthusiastically agree.

(and thanks!)

“Blabative”–I really like that word. I need to remember it.

I also agree that we don’t need to pour out our feelings regarding previous r’ships to new loves as if in a confessional. Truly, some things ARE a matter of privacy, especially when they involve breakups which can be quite painful. I don’t think the fact he chooses not to talk about his ex indicates anything sinister.

What possible difference could it mean in the here and now if he’s “hung up on the ex”? If it’s true, it will manifest shortly and she’ll either be too uncomfortable to continue with him or he’ll break off with her anyway.

Really, it’s too much to expect that a 2 month relationship can compete with a major recent relationship. She and he will either grow to love each other and this relationship will eclipse all others (for BOTH of them) or it won’t.

I say do not cause trouble between the boyfriend and his pal. Just be grateful the roommate gave you some intel and lock it away. It’s not the kind of intel that has to be acted upon. The new relationship has to stand on its own. The intel may even be true for NOW, but 6 months from now you may have caused him to forget she ever lived. Interrogations and accusations aren’t likely to help that particular process.

Neither do I think he’s “hiding” anything from her. Out of respect to our previous partner we don’t usually need to be exposing all the expired intimacies. Do we really enter relationships thinking “oh, in about 2 years, all these risks I’m about to take with you are going to be fair game for you and your next partner to mock and dissect?”

I say let everyone have their privacy, including the blabative pal. If you get him in hot water with your boyfriend, he’ll never tell you anything again. Just let your new relationship develop. Assume that he has been around the block once or twice and do not expect him to pour out his past like a sinner in a confessional. Expect that one day he will also show some respect to the memory of YOU.

I don’t think you can say so based on the slim evidence. The pic’s? I agree with Jeff that there up because he just doesn’t despise her enough to take them down. They hang out with other photos of friends–a part of his life at that time. I have entire photo ALBUMS of same. He may just be clueless that such photo’s *displayed*, can be inappropriate when you get a new lover.

I also wouldn’t take the former roomie’s opinion as gospel either. It’s just an opinion and one that may not be revelvant as the r’ship has grown between the guy and Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, you know, it occurs to me that you may be projecting a little bit here. That is, do YOU still have some not-quite-resolved feelings towards your ex? Could that be making you suspicious that your new bf is feeling the same?

This relationship is still new. I’d stay in the “see how it goes” mode and wait to see if any actual *evidence* crops up, before jumping to conclusions about the guy still pining over his ex. And personally, I wouldn’t have the “little talk” Jeff suggested about what the roommate says. Seems to me that would just make the guy uncomfortable and pissed off at his friend. (“What were you doing man? Running your mouth like that!”)

Why don’t you just concentrate on your relationship? Do you spend alot of time together? Are you getting closer? The future has a way of taking care of itself, without all this kind of second guessing.

I don’t know what to say. Perhaps there is no major warnings here, but I’d regard the fact that he has never mentioned this gf to her as a major warning… Why? Well, because it’s sort of hiding something, and one wonders why he would want to hide that…

(By the way, I thought asking another guy whether he would like his sister dating him was an interesting way to fish for info. I may try that sometime.)

Mar