manslations

A reader named “tee” is with a good guy with some bad history. In fact, it ain’t exactly “history” yet. Impending divorce. Custody battle. You know, dogs & cats living together, mass hysteria. Seems like he’s saying all the right stuff, but she’s just not sure how long to wait for him to figure all this out. Let’s see if we can help and/or be funny in the process:

Jeff, I am at my last straw.

People, people. You need to feel free to contact me when you’re at least 3 straws before the last one. Otherwise there’s all kinds of pressure on me to “succeed” or “help” in some way before you run out of straws. Like I need that. Anyway, carry on.

I don’t know what to do… I am in my 30′s but I am an inexperienced dater and yet, I have found true love with 2 great men. Here it goes… I married my childhood sweetheart, we met when I was in hs and we dated for a few years.

Sounds fantastic so far.

Then he became ill with a terminal illness. Our plans changed drastically and were focused on his health and healing. We got married, and a few years later he died. This was so devastating to me, I cannot describe it in words. It took years before I was interested in even looking at men for anything non-platonic. I moved on in many other ways but was not interested in dating or talking to men.

Wow, before we even get to my manslations jackassery, I just don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry. I know if that happened to my sweet lady fair, I’d just be absolutely devastated.

Then, many years later, little by little I began to open up and started considering it and met a few nice guys but none to write home about.

Good for you for stepping out there a little. And as a side note, let’s all be honest right now. Who the hell “writes home about” stuff anyway? Let’s personalize here, people. I, for example, now say, “Well, the movie was ok, but it was nothing to buy and eat a celebratory box of Entenmann’s Pop-ems about.”

Then, I met the second love of my life. A great guy, we had instant chemistry and just knew we had a great connection. He is from another country, was here for a short time for work and we met in my city in a very unusual way.

Ok, you can’t just say that. What was the unusual way? Zamboni accident? The great squirrel riots of 2003?

Since then, we have had a 1 year back and forth email situation and we have each visited each other in the others country and we have also met in another country. I can honestly say, I love him and I know that he loves me.

Once again, sounds good…

The problem… he has a child and is in the midst of a long, drawn out custody battle.

Mama mia. Here we go again.

He definitely has his priorities straight, his son comes first in his life and I admire that. I just don’t know what to do. His life is this… work and kid, work and kid, work and kid. He pretty much has joint custody of his child. This is as long as he just walks on eggshells with his ex and practically bows to her for it. He is so worried about her running off to live with her sister in another city 8 hours from where he lives now that he does everything to keep the peace. She dates, but he doesn’t feel it safe to tell her about me yet.

Golly, what a princess. Why ever did their marriage break up? Oh, right, right. The whole “her being a crotchola” part. I always forget that part.

He is a wonderful, happy, peaceful guy. I get a lot of good vibes from him. I trust myself in that I know I am a very good judge of character. I don’t just go out with anyone and I have had 2 wonderful male role models in my life… my father and my husband. This guy has all of the great qualities that I love but he has baggage and he has no time. I know alot of your advice stems from what does he say vs what he does but this guy is always telling me how much he is thinking about me but in reality he has no time to show me and to travel from Europe to the US to see me.

Well, in all fairness to me, I’m not very smart. But seriously, what I mean when I say that is more about what the guy CHOOSES to do, rather than what he chooses to say. Seems like the situation you’re describing is one where if he were choosing to do the things you’re talking about, that would kinda make him a, how you say, “deadbeat dad.” Sexy, no?

I know that it will be easier once the divorce is final but I don’t know when that will be. He often tells me that he misses me, wishes he could see me more often, hates that we have not seen each other in x number of months. He also tells me that his life is only work and taking care of his kid. I really feel for him and I really do love him.

Is this just a matter of Romeo and Juliet?

Two teenage twits who can’t be together because their parents dislike each other? No, I don’t think that’s it.

Bad timing?

Mm. That’s a little closer, methinks.

I want to have the patience to wait it out but also want to be free to date others but haven’t met anyone that I feel strongly about like him…and true love is rare.

Well, it sure is, isn’t it?

Have I answered my own question?

I don’t know, but wouldn’t it be a lucky break for me if you did? Woohoo! Day off!

What is your opinion?

Awwww, crap! No day off for me.

What it comes down to is this I have waited a long time before I was able to date anyone. now that I have met someone I truly love, I find it very hard to be missing someone again, someone far away. I have missed my husband for so long. But, I love him. Please don’t think I am crazy, I am just not sure what to do and would love some feedback.

Dear tee,

This is a tough one for me to really advise on, in the sense that it does fall slightly outside my area of expertise. No, not stereo equipment and video games — Manslating. This isn’t really so much in need of a “manslation.” I think you seem to have him pegged.

WHERE YOU AT, BABY?

I think he’s just where he seems to be. He clearly cares about you. How can I say that? Well, try to imagine how a man would behave if he a.) had all this going on with the custody and the ex-wench and all the crazy hooha, AND b.) he wasn’t very interested in you.

I mean, if ever a man was looking for an excuse to tell someone, “Look, it’s not you, it’s ME,” this guy’s got about nine of them. If he didn’t care about you, he’d get a friggin’ holster for all the excuses he’d have and it would be Billy the Kid quickdraw time with those babies. “I really like you, but…” and, “I’ve just got too much going on right now…” and like that.

Here’s the question: is that enough for you? That seems to be your question, I think. Unfortunately, I’m at BEST the second person you need to consult on that. You’d be number one, like, without even trying. You’re the only one who can know that. As you say, this situation is likely to be this way for the foreseeable future.

As a licensed manslator (don’t be intimidated — the licensing process is surprisingly lax. Or will be as soon as I come up with one) all I can tell you is that he DOES seem to care about you, or it would be only too easy for him to just break contact entirely. He’s giving what he’s got to give. Only you can decide if it’s enough, if waiting for him is nutso.

Good luck, tee. I’m sorry life has to be so friggin’ complicated all the time. But listen — He’s got his stuff, yes. But you’ve got YOU. You’ve got to take care of yourself here.

What do you think, ladies of the interweb? Should she wait it out? Wait in the wings? What?