Why Aren’t the Boys Comin’ a-Knockin’?
Short and sweet one today. A reader named simply “S.” wants to know how come the boys ain’t comin’ at her? Is she barking up the wrong tree? Is she clueless? Wha happa?
First, let me thank you for making me snort and laugh while reading manslations. I don’t snort nearly enough (and if someone snorts alone in a forest…?)
Ok but here is the question: Why do guy friends *never* find me attractive, or at least express that?
Every woman I know seems to have guys who ask her out. I guess I don’t meet enough men, and when I start realizing I am enjoying certain guy friends’ company, I start wondering…is there an attraction?
Am I clueless in some way? Or barking up the wrong tree?
S.
Dear S.,
I don’t know about the snort in the forest. But then, I have taken the snort less traveled by. And it has made…well, almost no difference. But you see my point. Sure you do. I’m sure there was one in there.
Anyway, onto your question. How come your gal-friends all seem to get asked out? Everybody but you> (And not for nothing, but you mentioned “snorting” and “barking” both in your request. I think all the animal noises that you’re making might be causing some trouble here.)
So, how come you’re not getting hit on more often?
WHY MEN DON’T HIT ON A WOMAN, MANSLATED
Let’s see if we can’t get to the bottom of this. Guys, as a group, just aren’t complicated enough to make this all that difficult, right? So let’s list all the reasons that I can think of why men might not be asking a woman out. (Well, I’ll list them. You’ll just sit there and read them. You understand the internet, right? Great.)
There are really only two major reasons why a man might not hit on a woman. They’re pretty obvious. Ready? Ok, here goes:
- He doesn’t want to.
- He’s pretty sure she wouldn’t want him to.
That’s it. So, let’s take a look at both of them:
WHY WOULDN’T HE WANT TO?
- She’s not attractive, and he’s only interested in looks. Actually, this is not as big a deal as we think it is. A really attractive woman gets hit on more than an unattractive one, sure. But you know what she doesn’t get? More high quality hits. She’s just going to get more of les baggage du douche.
- She doesn’t seem fun to him. This is the bigger problem of this kind. I know plenty of women who are perfectly nice, very attractive, but present (to a newcomer to her acquaintanceship) a very sour demeanor. Or bitter. Or way, way too quiet to get to know. Or snooty. Whatever it is, if a guy gets the sense that you’re not having very much fun solo, he’s not going to assume, “But with ME, she’s going to have a GREAT time!”
WHY MIGHT HE THINK SHE’S NOT INTERESTED?
- She’s stand-offish. A shy guy will not assume that a very cool response is “playing hard to get.” In my personal experience with BEING a shy guy, that always read to me as “actually BEING hard to get.” I assumed that if a woman was going to frost me, I should go ahead and take the hint preemptively.
- She’s so shy that he doesn’t know anything about her: Some ladies I know keep so quiet and so to themselves that it’s hard for a guy to know if she’s responding to him in any way. (This also includes spending a lot of time at your own house, where boys don’t know about you. That also doesn’t work very well.)
- She seems too brick-wall “confident”: Now hold on. Jeff Mac, are you saying that “strong women intimidate a man”? No, no. Not really. What I’m saying is (and this is true of men AND women, I think) people like to think that they might actually have an effect on their person. I’ve known some women who present such a toughened exterior that a lot of guys think, “Well hell…I mean, she clearly isn’t looking for someone else. She’s a brick wall over there. No point in getting dumped even before I ask the girl OUT, is there? No, course not.”
So, which one is true here? No idea. I am but a simple manslator, and have not observed you in the wild. And be honest, since we don’t know each other, I think it’s probably better that way. I simply don’t have time to be a full fledged stalker. I’m barely even half-fledged, if I’m being honest. I’m just too lazy, is the problem.
The point, the point, man! Yes, ok. Here’s what I’d guess. By far, I’d say the most common situation is a combination of a.) Not being supermodel attractive enough to pull in the total jackass contingent, and b.) being a little shy/standoffish/hard-edged. It’s usually that combo. I think the idea is that you might want to ask yourself if you’re really “putting yourself out there.” If you’re like me (and pray that you are not) then the answer is, “Hmm…let’s see…putting myself out there….?…Mmm….NO.” Starting with that is usually your best bet.
Good luck, S. See if you can’t open yourself up a little. My guess is that you’ll have far more male attention than you actually want. (And if that doesn’t work, look to the snorting and barking. And get a full first name, while you’re at it. Guys get nervous with just an initial.)
What’s your experience, ladies? Why might the guys be holding back, and what can S. do about it?
Posted: April 22nd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time April 22, 2008 at 8:10 am
And whether or not what I said above makes any sense… the practical advice would be this: get out more and try to show the best of yourself on every occasion!
Comment from Selena
Time April 22, 2008 at 10:56 am
“Les baggage du douche”? Snort! And Happy Tuesday to you to Mar.
I wonder what the context is where S. is meeting men. Work? Bar/Pub/Clubs? Through friends? Are you out and about often, or you more of a homebody? Being the homebody-ish sort myself, I find I have to go against my natural inclinations and make an effort to go out and socialize if I want to meet new people. That includes making an effort to plan things to do, invite people over to hang out rather than always waiting for someone to ask ME to do something.
If you are just not connecting with anyone doing the things you’re doing, you may need to shake it up a little–change venues. Maybe there is a little bar/grill in your neighborhood you could go to once or twice a week and make new friends. Maybe you could expand your social circle by joining something: a league, a club, an activist or charity group. If you are open to meeting new people one of the best ways is letting the people you already know, know that. They may be willing to help. To that end, you could throw a casual “open house” type party. Invite the people you already know and tell them they can bring a guest or two if they like. Don’t limit it to just guys, you never know if a single woman, or a couple might know of a single guy of their acquaintance they might like to introduce you to.
Have you asked your close girlfriends what the problem of not being asked out might be? They would probably be the one’s to know if you were coming across as too shy, too standoffish, or too “hard”. Perhaps a wardrobe update might be in order. Are you making the most of what you’ve got, appearance wise? Sometimes a mini makeover can do wonders to build up self confidence and that comes across to others.
The times when I’ve met men to go out with were always when I was open to the possibility.That is when I was out having a good time, being open and friendly to everyone and not caring whether I had a boyfriend or not. This is what people mean when they say “You’ll find someone when you’re not looking”. Basically when you’re happy with yourself, you are likely to be more attractive to others than when you are bemoaning your ‘aloneness’ status.
So S., give a good look see toward your demeanor, and how really open to romance you are. Ask a friend you can trust for her suggestions. And sit down and think of ways to expand your social circle. The more you are out there, the more people there are likely to come your way. Have fun with it.
Comment from dadshouse
Time April 22, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Guys hate rejection. If you like him, flirt a little. Let him know an advance is welcome. If he’s into you, he’ll try. If you don’t flirt, and he’s into you but fears you might not be into him, he won’t try. Be sexy and fun and see what happens. If you’re not good at flirting – make it a point to flirt with someone every single day. In line at the grocery, at the sugar table at Starbucks, etc. Just a quick flirt to keep the enging revving and your confidence up. (Men and women both can play that game)
Comment from hunter
Time April 27, 2008 at 1:45 pm
to Mar,
One step at a time, I think she is talking about not getting “hit” on…..I like the long speech you made….
Comment from hunter
Time April 27, 2008 at 1:47 pm
to S,
Try some flirtatious body language…
Comment from Jackie
Time April 29, 2008 at 3:57 pm
The most unattractive thing to a man is a woman who doesn’t believe she is worthy or attractive. You need to hold that energy within yourself that you are sexy, magnetic, fun and attractive. And smile. It sounds simple but just smile like there’s no tomorrow. All the time. At every man you see, old and young. You’ll get a positive reaction right away which will naturally increase your confidence.
Good luck sexy!
Comment from hunter
Time April 29, 2008 at 9:53 pm
85% of communication, involves body language…….
Comment from mar
Time April 22, 2008 at 8:01 am
Oh wow. Well, hello everyone and happy Tuesday to all of you.
BIG topic this is, and one that concerns me much. I have little useful to say, and a lot more to learn from you!
What I am thinking is this… we live in a time of globalization, mass travelling, mass urbanization, global communications and so on… All of this means that we all feel like there are a lot more opportunities out there, in every respect. That is, you want to get a job as a lawyer, and there are myriads of companies that hire lawyers, you want to do a degree in this or that, and there are myriads of universities that do such degrees, you want to go on holiday to the beach, and there are myriads of destinations available… And the same goes for dating: you want to find ONE partner, and only ONE, but hey, there is so much to choose from! And everyone feels like “there is plenty of fish in the sea” to choose from, and that is true. But I wonder if feeling there is a lot to choose from means that all of us have become a lot more demanding in what we want to find, all together, in just one person, and that because of this perception, we end choosing less.
And the point I want to make is that perhaps for people to even start dating another they have to feel there is something very especial about THAT person, that you don’t find or see normally around.
I know some guys who started dating other women because when they met them for the very first time, they seemed to be so “fresh”, so “smiley”, so “cheerful”… there was something about them that made them stand out and made them very interesting to get to know. All other women around might have been equally attractive and equally nice, but not “outstanding” in any particular regard.
So, what I am wondering is whether that’s the thing: we feel there are such a big pool of people to choose from, but everything seems more or less of equal value, and not particularly interesting, and we will only get motivated when we find someone who stands out.
All of this, I think would be a very bad development. A lot of people are outstanding, but not necessarily on a first impression.
Just some thoughts.
Mar