Why 20-something Guys Are So Frackin’ Shy re: Relationships
Today, our story continues with the story of young guys who aren’t quite ready to settle into just one lady. What’s the issue? Our reader, who calls herself “my oats are not that wild” wants to know what sounds so unappealing about having sex with the same person for more than a couple weeks. What’s wrong with that? Read on to find out:
Dear Jeff Mac,
When I was in high school, it was boys in college who were going to appreciate my maturity and intelligence. When I was in college, it was men out in the real world who would stop playing around, pay their bills, and get into a relationship (with ME). So, I’m 23 and out of college and what do you know, every guy my age ‘loves his independence’ and ‘is trying to get his career started’ and ‘isn’t looking for a girlfriend.’ Is this some cruel joke?
My question is, what is so scary about a relationship for men (especially in their early and mid 20s)? And, do most of them get over it? How can I HELP them get over it? Because honestly, my oats, if they ever were all that wild, are sown and I’d just like to see and have sex with the same person on a consistent basis for longer than two weeks. Does that sound really unappealing to these guys I’m dealing with? Am I asking for too much of a commitment and I don’t know it?
Signed,
my oats are not that wild
Dear oats,
Some great questions here. They’re related, but pretty different, so let’s take ‘em on one by one, shall we? Hello? Everyone with me? The Manslations Tour Bus is pulling out of the stations. (Note: Existence of actual tour bus pending purchase of tour bus.)
WHAT’S SO SCARY?
This one is a very, very simple answer. Not that you’re gonna like it. But at least I won’t have to work that hard, and isn’t that really what it’s all about? Sure it is.
The reason guys (and as you so astutely have pointed out, especially YOUNG guys) get a little twitchy with the whole commitment issue is this: A young guy (and I’m talking under, say, 26 or 27) has a few things going on:
- Hormones: He’s still pretty close to his sexual prime.
- Freedom: He’s now in charge of all of his life decisions.
Let me tell you something. Hormones + Freedom = low interest in a “relationship.” So I wouldn’t say he’s “scared” of commitment. Not really. What he IS is committed to the idea that there are a whole world filled with women out there, and to pick only one person’s underpants to remove? Conceptually, it just doesn’t fit into some young guys brains.
DO MOST OF THEM GET OVER IT?
In the same way that most women get over trying to convince guitar-playing douchebags to be super nice boyfriends, sure guys get over it. (Most of them, anyway.) Basically, I think it’s a combination of aging enough to take some of the edge off of the hormone tweak, plus a more realistic assessment of how many women you’re REALLY going to have access to at any given time. (Hint: more than zero, if you’re lucky.) Most guys will chill out on the whole, “Oh man, I don’t wanna miss out on any other women!!” thing and learn how to focus.
CAN YOU HELP THEM GET OVER IT?
Oats. My friend. I have some bad news. That hope you had that you might be able to help a guy get through this stage more quickly? We did everything we could, but it didn’t make it. I’m calling time of death on that possibility.
HOWEVER…
That said, that’s not the whole story. See, it could be that whatever you’re saying to the guys in this situation might be reading a little too “permanent” to them. Not that they necessarily think you’re talking about getting on a marriage track. Just that it sounds to them like you’re trying to “domesticate” them. As in, to breed out of them this ability to sleep with whomever they choose.
Even if that’s the exact result you’re going for, it’s all in the presentation. What they need to understand is that you’re actually not talking about a reduction in their sex life. Not at all. You clearly state that you WANT to be having sex with them, you just don’t want to be one of many who are doing it, right?
So it’s not about saying, “I want a commitment.” It’s definitely not about saying, “I’m done running around sowing wild oats.” That all sounds like you’re holding a leash saying, “It’s ok. Easy, boy. Easy. I’m just gonna…slip this on…your collar…aaaaaand GOTCHA.”
No, because a.) it won’t work, and b.) it’s not what you want anyway. It’s about saying, “I like you, I want us to be together, but I’m just not interested in some random sex hookup. It’s cool if you want that, but it just can’t be with me. I only really get into it when I know I’m the only one.” This way, he knows you’re not trying to capture him. You just want something a little more interesting than a booty call.
(This also may confuse his defense systems. His brain will think, “Wait a second…she wants me to stop sleeping with other people…but…did she say that she would ‘really get into’ sex with me if I did? Golly!” You might just avoid setting off his commitment alarms that way.)
ARE YOU ASKING FOR TOO MUCH OF A COMMITMENT?
For some guys? Maybe. But probably not for most of them. It could just be the way you’re presenting it. If you can come at them NOT with, “Here’s what I want to take away from you,” but instead, “Here’s what I want that is actually more exciting than random oats” you’ll have better luck.
And if you wait about 5 or 6 years? Well, you’ll have even better luck. Sorry.
What’s your take, ladies? Can our dear oats help our young lads to chill out and focus on her?
Posted: April 23rd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time April 23, 2008 at 7:28 am
There’s also the prospect of calming down that Jeff describes: a combination of less hormones and also having that knowledge that to have sex you actually have to find someone who wants to have sex with you, and this is not entirely up to you. So a man may feel that he is missing on sex by not becoming exclusive with someone. But I think that’s a rationale that they are more likely to follow later in life than in their 20′s.
M
Comment from Selena
Time April 23, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Oats,
So you’re tired of the two week wonders are you? Yeah, these type of guys abound in your age range. And other age ranges as well truth be told. There’s nothing you can do to make this type of guy WANT monogamy for more than a short period. The good news is there actually are guys out there in every age range who really would like to have a girlfriend for more than two weeks. So how do you find them?
I’d say look at what’s been going on with your 2 week wonders. Are they similiar in some ways? Have you been meeting them in the same kind of places? Are you sleeping with them within a week or two of meeting them? Are you getting to know them very well before entering into what proves out to be a very short romance? I think you get my drift.
If you want someone who’s going to last longer with you than a couple weeks, you need to take the time to get to know that person and see what they’re about. You’re not going to know that by hitting the sheets with them on the first week you meet, just ’cause they’re hot. Guys who want a girlfriend are going to want to get to know you outside of the bedroom as well as in it. As Jeff often writes, look at the guy’s behavior: is he doing things that enable him to spend more non-sexual time with you?
If the answer to that question is “no”, then you can evaluate the guy as pretty much just into the “in and out” lifestyle. Someone who wants more will be willing to take the time to get to know you. More time than 2 weeks.
Comment from Laura
Time June 29, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Oats,
I read your question with almost the exact same one in mind. I’m a twenty-something who has made a habit of dating thirty-something guys for quite some time now. Recently, I ventured into the dark alley that is twenty-something men, and found that, well…not much has changed. I agree with Mar. Better seek out guys who’s oats are also stitched up!
L
Comment from Mindy
Time September 14, 2009 at 8:17 pm
I’m learning how to be braver because my life is a string of 20 hour days on the Internet. And the good guys and even a couple of great dates have helped me grow more trusting. Maybe Mr. Right is out there somewhere posting his profile. Only time will tell…
Comment from mar
Time April 23, 2008 at 7:18 am
Hi everyone
Well, I think what “my oats are not that wild” (from now on MOANTW) describes is a very common thing for men of that age. They pretty much think there is a whole universe of women to have sex with to be discovered out there and why would they miss out on THAT? Really, it’s like that in a lot of cases. It just seem to some of them irrational to leave all that bounty pass by.
Really, there’s no point in fighting against this: a guy who thinks like that is not a rush to become exclusive or to settle down. Some of those guys will settle late in their 20′s or early 30′s, but some reach their 30′s still saying that yeah, they want to marry and have children and all of that, but when you see at how they behave, what they actually do, they are absolutely doing nothing towards that goal. It’s like they feel they have time to do everything in life… Of course, men don’t have a biological clock like women, so this is not entirely unreasonable. Still, I think if you really care about having children, your 30′s is a very good time to do it.
Alright, I don’t know what MOANTW wants in her life now, or what she wants in her life NOW, I’m just speaking generally of guys who are like this. But here is the thing: there’s no point in fighting this, and if MOANTW is not happy with the prospect of dating guys her age, why not trying with guys a little bit older? Especially, as she says she has been described as mature, she may enjoy going out with guys in their late 20′s or early 30′s. A lot of women that age do that.
In other words, she should try aiming for guys whose oats aren’t that wild either.
Best, Mar