manslations

Every once in a while, I get a request that is a pleasant surprise. This is just such a one. A reader named Amanda wants to know if she can get one o’ those “no-downside, no-guilt, walk-when-ya-feel-like-it” deals that the guys sometimes get. Can she do it? Let’s find out.

Hello Jeff Mac,

First, let me say that I absolutely adore your site, you sir, are one very funny and insightful guy.

Yes, that’s true, I am just the one guy.

I have a question for you. So you know how sometimes guys will go ahead and just omit the fact that your not really in a relationship, even though the female clearly shows by her actions that she believes they are?

Ummm…I think so?

So he ends up getting all the perks of a relationship and then when he’s over it, gets to walk away guilt free…

Oh that. Oh sure, I know that.

I want that. No, not the part where the guy Houdinis me into giving him a significant chunk of my time and energy without getting jack in return; (been there, done that, own several t shirts) I’d like the other end of the deal, you know the end that doesn’t leave you writing to manslations going “what the hell happened here?”

First of all, congratulations on being the first person I’ve known to use the word “Houdini” as a verb. Me likey. Let’s find out more about what you’re after…

Is it possible for a chick to do the Houdini-ing and get away with it? I’m not talking just getting a guy to be your booty call, that’s relatively easy, because guys don’t really turn down, “hey come hang out, and by hang out I mean have no strings sex” very often.

Yeah, that one’s a pretty sure-fire method, isn’t it? That’s the kind of bait that, if fishermen had the equivalent, there’d be no more fish.

I would like to get all the perks of a relationship out of a guy, just not have to actually consider myself in a relationship with him. I want the perks, but none of the work. Maybe this makes me sound like a B that’s been spurned too many times and maybe I am, but I’m sick of getting the short end of the stick, and I figure if a guy can do it, why can’t I? But is it even possible? Or since guys invented this game are they wise enough to the rules to see through it? If this is possible, please tell me how???

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Ha ha ha. I am really laughing at the idea that guys are “wise enough” to do anything. I’m lucky I’m wise enough to find my front door to leave the house in the morning. But we’ll let that part pass.

So, the question is, how can you get all the perks of being in a relationship without all the work? I’m not too sure I know what you mean by “the work.” See, for a guy, when he’s talking about Perks vs. Work, he’s usually talking about Sex vs. Talking About The Relationship. Is that what you mean? I’m guessing no — you’ve already said you don’t just want a hookup. (Or at the very least, you know exactly how you can acquire one should the need ever arise.)

GETTING THE BENEFITS?

So, the real question I have is, what do you want, and what do you not want? As in, what is it that YOU find work vs. perks? And then, we can figure out if it’s possible for a man to live without you doing whatever you think of as the “work”, whilst still giving up the sweet, sweet perk-age? Hard to say without knowing more.

NOT HAVING TO CONSIDER YOURSELF “IN A RELATIONSHIP”?

Again, this is another one I’m not sure I understand. Are you asking how to not feel guilty about doing whatever you feel like doing? I can’t help you there because a.) I don’t know which parts you want to keep doing without guilt, and b.) I can’t stop you from feeling guilty about stuff, if that’s how you feel, ya know?

CAN YOU GET AWAY WITH IT?

This one I can answer, and the answer is:

Maybe.

Aw man, that sucks. I know, I know. Here’s the deal. You can come up with any arrangement you want. It’s all about the “agreement” that you two come up with. Just like there are women who allow themselves to be Houdinied to within an inch of their lives, there are certainly guys who will do the same.

Now, as I’ve said, I’m not sure what your definitions are here. But you can be damn sure that if you can dream it up, there’s a dude out there who will go for it. The last question I have is, for how long will it be fun for you to Houdini your brains out, with nothing more? That’s up to you. That’s the good part. You get to behave however the hell you want, for however long you want, and nobody can stop you.

SO, THE REAL ANSWER?

Sure. You can “get away with” whatever you want. All you have to do is to be aware of what’s going on with the guys you’re talking about. If they’re cool with it, you’re in. If not, do what the Houdiniers do — move along to the next one.

Hopefully, Amanda, you’ll read this and come back and comment about what exactly you’re after. Then, we can talk some more specifics on what you can do, and some of the other ladies might have some tips on that.

Ladies? Any idea about the “perks” vs the “work” here? And have YOU ever done your own Houdini-ing?