Once and for All: Should You Ask A Man Out?
Today, we’ve got a long-time reader who still feels conflicted about the whole “asking him out” thing. Is it going to make her look needy? Will it take away “the chase”? What’s the real deal? Read on to find out:
Dear Jeff:
I have read pretty much everything on this WONDERFUL site but still, I don’t feel warm and cozy about the age-old question: Should you ask a man out? Now, I read the post where you answered this but still, every other authority on dating including the askmen.com site says men LOVE the chase and feel they have to win it. So, if a woman puts herself out there, has he nothing to chase? No battle to win? It still feels like she is making a desperate plea.
I am much like the women who have played hard to get and gotten no where, and made it known they like the guy only to end up with a player or a romantic – I really have to weed them out. The man I find attractive at this time is giving me strong flirt-vibes and long looks into my eyes. At first, I thought he was messing with me but after reading your blogs, I think he is scared of rejection. So, I am giving him more attention as in visiting his desk when no one is around and starting up conversations (yes it is a work thing but many a couple has met at our large corporation – not a big taboo thing). I don’t want to blow it by appearing…needy!
By the way, your insight is greatly appreciated, and your comments made LAUGH OUT LOUD! My favorite? “What blows a man’s mind in bed?…..Show up!” HA HA HA….This site is BRILLIANT!!
I’m 43, never married, and I have no time to lose. Hence, let’s use the alias.
Thanks,
No Time To Lose
Dear NTTL,
Ok, let’s end this debate for you once and for all, shall we? By the end of this post, if you don’t feel 100% warm and weapons-grade cozy about this age-old question, I solemnly swear to refund every dollar you’ve spent on this website. (Generous, eh?)
A DESPERATE PLEA?
Ok, look. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that a woman has never come across as if she’s making a desperate plea for a date. Why? Well, I’m pretty sure that some women have done exactly that. Pleaded desperately for a date. Sure, fine.
But the act itself? Not at all. In fact, it can come across as just the opposite — that you know what you want and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Sexee.
THE CHASE (lord help us all)
Forget that anyone ever told you about The Chase. Next time you think about the Chase, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you get over it.
I’m not even telling you that men DON’T like to chase. Boy, a player sure loves the chase. In fact, that’s all he likes. So by all means, if you want to make sure you don’t scare off all the players, sure, be very careful to protect his precious chase.
But here’s where this theory falls to the ground. What happens when you let him “catch” you during this “chase”? I mean…he’s going to getcha at some point, right? And then the chase is over THEN, right? And yet some men stick around after that, don’t they?
Ergo, the chase is total BS as a reason not to ask a man out. Total BS. If you ask a guy out and he says no, it is because he didn’t want to go out with you, not because you took away the chase. Have you ever heard anyone say, “Yeah, I really liked her. But then she asked me out, and I was just like…meh. If she’s not going to let me chase her, I’d just as soon date someone I don’t like as much.” No, me neither.
BLOWING IT BY APPEARING NEEDY?
Well, you might blow it by actually being needy. But appearing needy? Mm…methinks you’re not quite the master of disguise that you think you are. Neediness is a vibe you get. It’s not a cold calculation. As in, it’s a gut-to-gut transmission of vibe. So what I’m saying is, if you’re a needy person, it doesn’t matter how standoffish you pretend to be, he’s going to pick up on “needy.” And if you’re not a needy person, it doesn’t matter if you ask him out, he’s not going to get that vibe.
It’s like how they say dogs can smell fear. Look, I don’t know what dogs smell and I don’t want to know, ok? I see what they’re doing with each other’s butts all day long, and whatever they smell when they get there? Yeah, they can just count me the eff out, all right? But…what was my point? Oh right. Men get emotional vibes off of you like dogs do. If you’re nervous, a dog gets freaked about it. It’s not so much WHAT you’re doing as it is HOW.
SO, TO SUM UP…
Here’s the thing. I don’t know if this guy at your job likes you or not, but I’ll tell you this much: Whatever he thinks about you isn’t going to change if you ask him out. Up or down. You’re not going to talk him into or out of liking you by asking him out.
I know it’s nervewracking to ask someone out. Know how I know that? Because I’m a guy, and I’ve had to do the asking. It’s pretty much the most terrifying, running-around-near-a-beehive-naked vulnerable experience there is. But what can I tell you? No guts no glory. No askie, no kissie. Something like that. And if he’s not askin’…well, somebody’s got to get this show on the road, right?
Good luck, No Time. And remember — and I promise this is true– however he responds, YOU DIDN’T MAKE HIM RESPOND THAT WAY. He was already feeling that way.
What do you say miladies? Any words of encouragement for all the No Time To Loses out there?
Posted: April 25th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 25, 2008 at 10:23 am
I say slide in sideways. “You are such a fun guy. I bet it would be great to just have lunch or something with you. We’re both so busy here. Hey! Why don’t we!?! I think I would love it!”
There you have done all the work for him, flattered him, made him feel like he’d be successful. Now all he has to do is take it the last inch.
If he doesn’t, you have your answer and you’ve saved your dignity and work relationship.
If he does, you’ve reserved that last piece of territory just for him that makes him feel like he’s still the man. Plus you get to go out!
I think Jeff makes really excellent points (as always). I have recently discovered the joys of less-than-slick guys myself. And I’m very happy about it! What a great treasure trove they are!
So the moral of the story is, according to Jeff, fish in the pond where you’ll be happy with the catch. If you are strictly interested in “the chase” guys, yeah, by all means, stick to “the rules.” But if your dream guy has more character than polish, make it easy for him. And my added twist is do it in a way that makes him feel like he did do the asking so you don’t get in the habit of leading too much. Stay closer to side by side.
Yay for non-slick guys!
Comment from Sian
Time April 25, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Hi Jeff, your argument” If you ask a guy out and he says no, it is because he didn’t want to go out with you, not because you took away the chase.” is failing to take into account the psychological processes that underpin any budding relationship, not just romance. I counter argue that if he is really interested he will eventually ask her out…no? Why wouldnt he? The first few months set the scene..we all know even platonic friends that can put us off if they come on too strong initially.
I have several women friends that pursued men relentlessy, did all the chasing and are now married to these men in what I consider to be lack lustre relationships, where the women are still making all the effort.
I also dont think the chase ever has to end..even when married..its all about the psychological dance….keeping the mystery alive and allowing the space for this to happen.
I like AnneZ comments…Its about providing opportunities to socialise with this guy and see where it goes from there.
Comment from hunter
Time April 26, 2008 at 1:03 pm
to Sian,
Lack luster relationships? I agree with you on how a woman uses her masculine side (she approached him, and continues to chase) to catch a man, and continues to, through out the marriage…LOL!……
Comment from hunter
Time April 26, 2008 at 1:05 pm
To Sian,
…..but isn’t that the perfect female partner? One that makes life easy?…….LOL!…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 28, 2008 at 8:47 am
Dear Hunter, your 1:05pmLOL theory is a good albeit faulty start; prescription is an edit::: Anyone making-easy ‘within’ self inspires perfection ‘tween any selves more readily…..!SS!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 28, 2008 at 10:54 am
Sian: You do make a fair point that USUALLY if a guy is interested, he will eventually ask her out. The exception would be if he really doesn’t think SHE’s interested. Even a guy who’s super-interested isn’t going to stick his neck out if he has no reason to believe she’s going to say yes.
So in that sense, I also agree w/AnneZ — there’s nothing wrong with making yourself available, basically throw him a total softball. Nothing wrong with letting a guy know he’s cleared to ask you out.
Pingback from Do Men Tease? (Hint: “yes”) « Manslations
Time May 8, 2008 at 6:35 am
[...] 8, 2008 Well, we’ve got a disappointed manslatee on our hands. No Time to Lose (from this post about asking a man out) asked a dude out…and it turns out he has a girlfriend. But he was [...]
Comment from Elaine
Time August 27, 2009 at 9:54 am
I am in the same situation as NTTL. There is a guy at my gym that I want to go out with. We made eye contact and started saying hello – but thats as far as its gotton. He seems to be interested but hasn’t asked for my number. Not sure if I am giving off the “not interested” vibe. Should I just go ahead and ask. I am old fashion and would like the guy to make the first move but I am not getting any younger.
Comment from Yacul
Time March 25, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Amen to this post! Good men will NOT chase. Only players will do that. It makes NO difference if the woman makes the move. Men love it at least as much as women.
Comment from yeahyeah
Time July 23, 2010 at 3:06 pm
There is one factor no one seemed to bring up: maybe he’s one of those kinds of folks who don’t believe in fishing off the company pier, no matter how interested in the other person he is. In a bad economy, or in a company where people have to watch their backs constantly there are still some folks aren’t willing to take a chance on dating a co-worker/supervior/direct-report because it’s all too easy for folks to gossip or if it doesn’t work out suddenly there’s accusations of harrassment. I work for a company situated in a town where it would be difficult to keep an interoffice relationship a secret so I figure it’s just best not to go there.
Comment from Katrina
Time August 21, 2010 at 2:00 pm
I think that is a good idea. What if he is just waiting for a sign and that could be it? Go ahead and ask him out! There is nothing wrong about it.
Comment from Tomato
Time August 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm
I just want to say to No Time To Lose, I’ve asked guys out and sometimes they’ve said yes and sometime’s no. Ask the guy out, at least you know where you stand and can move forward rather than have no time left! 
all the best x
Comment from crusher
Time March 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm
I’m in the same dilemma. In my case I’ve never seen the guy in person. Was matched with him on a dating site. We’ve had one phone conversation (25 min.) and then became Facebook friends. Now it’s become a couple pokes, one chat and one pvt. msg. exchange. Ready to just pull the trigger and ask him via pvt. msg. (I have his ph# from the caller ID but he never “gave” me his #). Ugh…..
Comment from Susan
Time April 25, 2008 at 9:42 am
Well said, Manslator. Just. Do. It. If you don’t want it to be a “date-date” at first, then try your hand by asking him out to lunch one day, or for coffee, instead of just hanging out at his desk (or vice versa). Then see what results when you two are out of your co-workers’ ear shots and go from there.
As Jeff said, guys — even NICE guys — are faced with this all the time, so you can do it, too. You go, NTTL!