The Case of the Disappearing Poet…
Welcome back, folks. Today, it’s all about yet another man who has inexplicably vanished. Well, not exactly “inexplicably.” I’m gonna explic the hell out of it, you’ll see.
I am so relieved to find this website! Thank you; it is witty and entertaining and just what I needed. We need a man’s honest perspective on the intricate workings of a man’s mind. The more I get to know men, the less I know of them. At all. I need a manslation!
Well…ok…I suppose I’ll let “intricate workings of a man’s mind” slide. But already you’re on pretty shaky ground with that description. It would be like using the word “complex” to describe a donut.
We met over poetry on a book lover’s website. He wrote me, I wrote back and we did this daily for a very intense month. He wrote me poems, was open and honest, constantly complimented and charmed me with words telling me how something I wrote would make think, how enchanting I was.
Ah, those poets. They always know what to say. Jerks…ruining it for the rest of us. Between those guys and friggin’ John Cusack and that boombox over the head, how do the rest of us stand a chance?!
I broke down and gave him my phone number, and he called me everyday the first week. He was sweet and charming and kind and complimentary. The next week he called me from his vacation! (twice) and called me when he returned home. We talked 4-5 times a week for a month and sent short sweet emails on days we didn’t talk, saying charming things.
It all sounds hunky dory so far. I’m guessing there’s a complication in our immediate future.
He lives 1600 miles away, divorced, 4 kids.
Am I good, or am I good?
There were very very intense conversations as well as ones full of fun and full of laughter.
Oh. I guess that wasn’t the issue…
Suddenly, I am not hearing from him anymore.
There we go.
No reason that I am aware of. Our last conversation was flirty and fun; though I did joke around hinting that I wanted him to come and meet me.
Eeeeeenteresting.
When I didn’t hear from him for a week after communicating with him every day for 2 months, I let him know how much I missed hearing his voice; and I heard from him the next day. He did not address not calling me and said he had been busy (though he talked an awful lot about all the books he had time to read though he suddenly didn’t have time to talk with me). Is this an indication he has lost interest? Now that we are no longer writing as intensely, he is not as open anymore and all the charming words have disappeared. Is the chase over and I am no longer a prize to be won? Or is the fantasy woman that I was before in the profile picture and emails more interesting than the day to day woman?
Thank you for your insight!
One Perplexed Texan
Dear OPT (Yeah, you know me!),
Ok, here’s my take. Let’s forget what he said (no matter how pretty and iambic and pentameterish I’m sure it was) and just look at what he did, and when, ok?
- Struck up an online conversation, charmed your virtual online pants off.
- Moved forward to phone calls, even when on vacation.
- He disappeared moments after you mentioned meeting up IRL (that’s how the kids these days say “in real life.” Yeah, I’m awesomely in the know. Deal with it.)
- He contacted you when you called him on it, but the intensity has not returned.
So, what’s the manslations verdict?
WHEN THE UNICORN OF FANTASY GETS HIT BY THE REALITY TRUCK
So, he was absolutely going hog wild with you, initiating all the compliments, the flattery, the flirting. Right up until the moment when he might be expected to meet you in person. You ask if it’s because the chase was over? Nope. And it’s not even quite that your “day to day” self is less interesting. It’s that it’s more messy.
This guy has 4 kids and lives 1600 miles away. Flirting with you, doing the verbal/mental charleston with you, wooing, what have you — these are things he could do in a vacuum of sorts. No, no, not the kind you do your floors with. That would be cool though. No, I mean “vacuum” in the sense that it was totally on his terms, not in the real world. It was fun because he wasn’t responsible to it. He could just play to his heart’s content.
Then, you suggested that the situation might change. Totally reasonable suggestion. I’d have done the same thing if I were you. But it looks to me like he was never looking for reality. He was looking for a fun thing to do that didn’t require any hassle. Only fun, only flirty, only heady and thrilling. None of the sticky, icky complexity of reality.
So in that sense, it wasn’t that YOU were less interesting than the fantasy of you. It’s that his LIFE is less interesting than the one that the two of you were playing around in.
VERDICT: CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU BELIEVE IN TINKERBELL
(Or however that story goes.) It sounds like you crossed a line with him. He wanted a make believe gf. Not sure why a real girlfriend wouldn’t be better than a pretend one. Could be that everything he told you about himself was made up. Could be that he’s not divorced at all. Could be a lot of stuff. But it wouldn’t even have to be all made up for him to beg off when reality hits. The only thing we know is that he was invested in having a fantasy. Reality? Not so much.
Good luck, Perplexan. If it helps, it doesn’t sound like YOU were the problem at all. He’s the one with the issues, even if they are in rhyming couplet.
What’s your take, oh ladies o’ mine? Why’d he vanish all of a sudden-like?
Posted: April 28th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Sassy
Time April 28, 2008 at 8:12 am
Jeff, I think you hit the nail on the head. It was soooo easy for the he-poet to live a life of flirty emails. Harder to figure out the logistics of day to day girl-friendness. And I think I could smell a wife out there, but I’m not sure.
Texan’s letter reminds me of something I read somewhere about someone who is charming…..remember that the cobra sometimes bites.
Hang in there, Texan. There ARE nice men out there who don’t vanish.
Comment from mar
Time April 28, 2008 at 8:39 am
Dear All
Very possibly, I’m afraid.
I dare say: this person is a good poet but he is not very caring and/or not very responsible.
Manslator: these guys are no competition for true loving and true caring guys!
That’s all. I get very upset with these stories.
Mar
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 28, 2008 at 10:50 am
Grace: Yeah, the ol’ after-work flirt. Hard day at the poetry mines, a guy wants to blow off some steam, you know?
Sassy: So…is that saying that the cobra is normally charming? Oh wait…snake charmer. Ok. I think I get it….mm…no. But whatever you said, I agree.
mar: Heh. Oh sure, I know they’re no competition NOW. But where were you when I was 20 and didn’t know that yet!?
Comment from AnneZ
Time April 28, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Not even sure it’s a wife I smell. Could be. Could also be nothing more than a 23 year old pretending to be 40. Or is 40 but is the swingshift manager of a pizza parlor rather than whatever responsible career he told her. The four “kids” are hamsters. Or the trial is over and now he has to report jail.
Jeff hit the nail right on the head. Or the cobra. Anyway, something’s laying flat on the floor. The guy was never in it.
Very hurtful to her, because she WAS in it. These internet things can be very real and cause all the same emotions as traditional relationships. Perplexed Texan, listen to Jeff: it was NOT your fault. You got swept in by a guy who was in over his head from the very start. Better luck next time. Sorry.
Comment from Sian
Time April 28, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Jeff, am in total agreeance with you on this one ( did you think you would ever see the day ?…LOL)
Similar thing happened to me a while back. I insisted on seeing a photo of him before I agreed to meet. This guy wrote like Hemingway. it was exciting. So you can imagine my surprise when rather than me eye balling a 6ft 2” handsome swarthy dude, in his place was a 5ft 5′ Woody Allen lookalike..not that there is anything wrong with Woody if thats what you are after. The lesson I learnt from this was to not expend my energy on people I havent yet me ( your’e the exception Jeff 
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 28, 2008 at 3:48 pm
AnneZ: Well, now that Sassy wrote that comment, I want to amend my assessment — it wasn’t her fault unless she was actually dating a cobra. In that case, I say you pretty much deserve whatever you get.
Sian: Wait, wait, wait. You…agree? I have officially wet my pants a little. (Ok, it’s not technically “official” — there’s still some paperwork to be filed. It’s complicated, ok?)
(And as far as your inner Ernest/outer Woody guy goes — see, this is why I’m actually glad I write comedy rather than poetry. No matter how dorky, doughy and pale I end up looking, I’m always going to be a step up from what people are going to assume.)
Comment from carla
Time April 28, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I think the guy is very, very married…
He wants the adventure, only – or the possibility of an deventure, which is safer by far…
Forget about him, move on and say your prayers before sleeping thanking all deities that this thind didn’t “happen”. A sure passport to unhappiness. I bet you don’t need that.
Carla
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 28, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Not funny, Dear LadyOPT; his sure loss; better 2B a grand wouldabeenGF than a “whatever-his-untold-hymn-him”! Nonetheless, the scattered laughs were welcomed. Bouquets, Ms. AnneZ, on your 4 kid hamsters, which he can tend post-parole! BTW, JM: what’s with your “rest of us don’t stand a chance”; thought you were smittenly ensconced with your ‘Lady’!…Physician: Heal R heel, with womanslations!
Comment from Sian
Time April 29, 2008 at 5:45 pm
For a minute there I thought you may have been flirting with me Jeff Mac…..but more likely the cultural differences of us western folk who happen to reside on different contents… so in the guise of Diplomatic relations, I would be happy to pay for any dry cleaning to reform your pants to their former glory : )
Comment from catherine
Time April 30, 2008 at 8:58 am
I can’t believe it can be serious! 4 kids, divorced and 1,600 miles away! I don’t understand why, we, women, are caught up in a fantasy world. It was never going to work. Never ever ever.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 30, 2008 at 1:48 pm
carla: Actually, I don’t think anyone needs a passport to unhappiness. The borders of unhappiness are very unguarded, in my experience…
mmagnolia: I don’t know what a “whatever-his-untold-hymn-him” is, but I agree — I’m sure nobody wants to be one.
Sian: So you’re saying that people in Australia flirt by peeing themselves? Hm. Ok, good to know — I’d hate to be sending out mixed signals every time I soil myself!
catherine: Yeah, seems like everybody in this story was caught up in a fantasy world.
Comment from Sian
Time May 1, 2008 at 4:11 pm
NO!
Comment from Susan
Time May 4, 2008 at 12:25 am
Jeff, not really answering your question here, I just wanted to say how impressed I am with your ability to weave in unicorns, Tinkerbell and Mack trucks* into your comments. Well done!
*ha, get it? Mack. Mac. Um, yeah.
Comment from the (un)perplexed texan
Time November 21, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I just found that you had posted my need for a manslation! Yes, he was divorced. And, yes, Jeff, you hit the nail on the head. I held on for a little while, but said good bye. It was clear he wasn’t looking for a real “messy” relationship, more an imagined playtime. I am now dating a real man who burps and farts and reads poetry (not all at the same time, mind you). I am so glad tinkerbell was hit by the mack truck. what I have is so much better. Thank you, Jeff!
Comment from Grace
Time April 28, 2008 at 8:12 am
Agreed.
If anything this guy sounds like he is just trying to have a bit of after work flirting fun. Nothing to do with you, that was just what he wanted.