He’s Stressed…and She’s Out
Let’s take a look at a pretty common situation — the guy gets stressed and down, and the girl gets left out. What’s she supposed to do? Let’s see if we can figure it out and/or be funny in the process. Maybe not in that order. Who knows?
I was involved with this guy and he really liked me, and he’s a hell nice guy, and would do alot of stuff for me, and wanted me to meet he’s dad..which showed he obviously took us seriosuly, my friend didn’t get along with him so it would make things kind of hard, but he would try to get along with her.
Ok, it all sounds like it was working out ok so far. Why in the world would you write to a manslator about such an idyllic situation?
Everything was going good until he started having alot of stress in his life, to do with work and finding new place to live at. He said he just wanted to be friends for now, and maybe sometime in the future we could have something but he said he can’t handle a relationship right now.
Ah. Well, it makes more sense then. And this is a pretty common reaction in dudes. More in a minute…
I didn’t talk to him for a month, and then i texted him and asked how he was, we texted a few times, and he asked if i was seeing anyone, and i said no, and i asked him and he so no, then he asked to hang out soon.
Mm-hmm…
Then when we hanged out a few days later, he hugged me a few times and put he’s arms around me, not in a sleazy way in a sweet way. when he put he’s arms around me I folded my arms was that bad idea?
Well, it depends on what you wanted to convey, I suppose. If you were feeling uncomfortable, folded arms’ll get the message across. If you were feeling wildly open to him…er…your body might have told him otherwise. But don’t worry about it. Entire relationships rarely hang on one hug, you know?
Then i talk to him a couple days later and we got to talking and basically he said that he likes me, but he can’t be in a relationship right now cause he’s got to much stress, and i said to him “why did you hug me and stuff” and he said cause he missed me and then he apologised
He still wants to keep hanging out as friends, do you think i should hang with him as a friend and maybe more could happen, i really like this guy, please help:(
Dear Bec,
Ok, here’s the thing with guys and stress. Not just young guys either. Plenty of guys have this reaction. It goes a lil’ somethin’ like this:
I’LL BE WITH YOU AS SOON AS EVERYTHING IS PERFECT…
Some guys feel that when their life is unsettled, they can’t fully share themselves. The theory goes something like:
- I’m feeling all stressed out, out of sorts, and (as my lady fair likes to say) all “cattywampus.”
- If I share myself fully with her, she’s going to see how cattywampus I really am.
- I won’t really be a “man” and she will leave me.
Ergo, the guy concludes that he has to get his house in order before opening the door. This isn’t always a very conscious thought process either. It’s just a very strong gut feeling that we shouldn’t let you see this side of ourselves.
Uh…or so I’ve read. In books. Books that I was reading while NOT behaving this way. Like, at all…blergh.
WHAT TO DO WITH SUCH A GUY?
Well, there’s not much you can do make him get over this. If you really care about him, and you feel that he does about you, your very best hope (and frankly, this is how my lady helped me deal with this) is
to show him that you accept him — AS IS. The best you can hope to do is to show him that you are the one person from whom he does NOT have to hide this stuff. If he knows that you are never going to judge him, no matter what is out of place in his life, he might — MIGHT — be able to trust you.
Now, of course, that last part is up to him. Sounds to me like he wants to. Sounds to me like he likes spending time with you. It just sounds to me like he doesn’t know how.
How can you show him you’re with him as is? Well, not by pretending you’re not judging him — he’ll see that in a second. And not by trying to “convince” him to open up to you — that will just feel like more stress. You can do this by actually NOT judging him. By showing him that you like him exactly as he is. Again, whether or not he opens up is up to him. All you can do is to show him that he can trust you.
Good luck, Bec. It’s a tough call on whether to stay or go. I don’t think you should ever have to wait around for someone to treat you right. But in this case, it’s not that he’s treating you poorly. He’s having a hard time opening up while he’s got so much on his plate. Different story, and only you two can decide if it’s going to happen. His words say he’s not into a relationship, but his actions? Could be a different story there.
What do you say, ladies of the net? Should she stay or should she cut her losses?
Posted: April 29th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Aurora
Time April 29, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Cut your losses!
If he wanted to be with you, he would. ‘Stress’ wouldn’t be stopping him. This same scenario happened to one of my best friends. She started seeing this guy. Everything was hot and heavy for about 1-2 months. And then all of a sudden, he didn’t have time for a relationship. He wanted to change jobs, etc. Blah, blah, blah. So they stopped seeing each other.
And about 1 month later, he got back with his ex-girlfriend. He had lots of time for her!
Comment from Tonya
Time April 29, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Whoa, Jeff Mac. You hit the nail on the head!
That is EXACTLY what my soldier did! We fell hard and fast and then he wigged and said, “I can’t do this. I’m going to war. Maybe you’ll still be here when I get back but I can’t depend on that.”
And so, here I am. Patiently sending love and being here for him. And he will relax and pull me closer and then he’ll get scared and try to pull away and then he’ll relax and pull me closer…. Of course, I completely understand that he is going through a traumatic experience. Of course, I get tired of the yo-yo effect.
I’d like to think that things will work out beautifully for us. He has never given me a reason not to think so. I guess we’ll see after he comes home and hopefully “everything will be perfect” in his eyes. If not, at least I know that I gave it everything I could’ve and learned quite a bit about men and myself in the process.
Good luck Bec. It sounds like its worth a go. Just be patient and use this time to take care of yourself.
Thank you, Jeff. That manslation helped me to understand my soldier better.
Comment from Ame
Time April 29, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I don’t know, I had a similar thing happen with this guy I liked who was finishing his PhD. I never put any pressure on him, was there for him when he wanted to relax, and not pushy when he was stressed. Then he finished his PhD and immediately found someone else to be the right girlfriend, so it can go either way.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 29, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Cindy: Well, that’s certainly what I want, I’ll tell you that much!
Aurora: Just had to tell you, your last sentence made me snort.
Tonya: Man, I hope that soldier knows who he’s got a-waitin’ for him back in the world.
Ame: Yeah, that definitely can happen. I’m certainly not saying that all stressed out men stay true. There are some guys who lean on someone during the tough times, and then move on when they want to forget those times. Around here, we call them “douchebags” but local nomenclature may vary.
Comment from J dog
Time April 29, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I’d say go with your intuition on this one. I was good friends with a guy for over a year. He never made the moves on me. Told him I liked him (as he was getting over an ex) and it slowly went from there. He went through the whole “to stressed to be serious about me” thing. I told him I cared about him a lot and was there for him but as a friend but wouldn’t wait around for him for long. We are together now and he’s devoted.
You to come to a true decision within yourself that you’ll be there for him because you care but you are a “together” person and you can take him or leave him relationship-wise. That’s my attitude. Tell him you have confidence that he’ll figure out all his problems eventually and to not take things so seriously. Then when you are around him be your super fun, positive self and don’t over think what he does. Just have fun. If he comes around great. If not, then he wasn’t for you anyway.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 29, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Dear Bec, of course! be a friend–his best friend. Your ‘Prince’ seems to want&need friendship; he deserves YOURS! See!See: Friend J dog’s happy ending and sweet beginning; on all our behalf: Blessings 2uBoth for inspiration!
Comment from catherine
Time April 30, 2008 at 8:53 am
Take what he says at face value. Don’t wait and certainly don’t put your life on hold for a guy who’s stressed out. Many men are stressed out and it doesn’t stop them from being in a relationship.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm
J dog: Way to go, knowing when to hold ‘em and not fold ‘em. Not always such an easy call.
mmagnolia: Always a great encourager, you are!
catherine: Your last sentence made me crack up. Such a succinct way to make a great point. And yes, I’m about as stressed out as can be, and I’m in a relationship – so it is possible!
Comment from Kim
Time May 2, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I had something similar happen to me. I met a guy and all was going GREAT for five months. He said he loved me, we talked about getting a place together, and all was going right for once I thought. That is until it was time for his house to be foreclosed on and problems with his job arouse. He told me one day he loved me and didn’t want to loose me, the next he needed to figure out his life so he wanted to break up, and finally a week later that he was moving out of state. He said his reasioning behind breaking up was I didn’t let him be himself. I am not sure if it was me or him, but I know it came as one of the biggest shocks of my life. I guess you just have to realize that some men run when things aren’t going their way and it is better to find out sooner than later. It was awful though that’s for sure!
Comment from Cindy
Time April 29, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Yes! What a man TRULY wants is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE!!!!!