manslations

Sounds like we’ve got a Freaky Friday relationship, even though it’s only Thursday. We’re looking at a couple who never seemed to meet half way. First he was more into her, now she’s more into him. And she’s looking for advice. Ladies, I don’t mean to give everything away, but I think ol’ MB needs a hand in getting out the door. Let’s help her move, shall we?

Since this email is a bit long (full text at the end of this post), I’m going to sum up:

• 19 year old girl meets a guy while studying abroad, first boyfriend.
• Didn’t love him, just attracted to him.
• He told her “many lies” and she tried to break up with him but it “didn’t work.” (uh…wha?)
• They got married and she moved to his country where she is very dependent upon him due to a language barrier.
• She was never satisfied sexually by him and he knows. He has some “problems.” (double wha?)
• He’s going to school on his dad’s dime, but it seems like the money is only for him.
• He talks to other women from his class on the phone, he never initiates sex, he tells her her life “sucks” he tells her she needs to go back to her country for a while.
• She loves him and doesn’t know why, feels very insecure, wants to know how to understand what he’s thinking.

Dear MB,

Well, I have to tell you that I don’t know how helpful I can be here. It sounds very much like you know exactly what’s going on. Sounds like he is how he is, and I see no reason why he would change. This is what he is like.

It sounds to me — and correct me if I’m wrong — like you “love him because you need him” rather than “need him because you love him.” Sounds like your insecurities are getting the better of your judgment on this guy.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND HIS THOUGHTS

There is one sure-fire way to understand a guy. And you said it in your email to me when you said this:

I feel used.when I ask him if he loves me he always says yes but his actions make me feel the opposite.

The Manslations Golden Rule is (say it with me, ladies): Whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, always always ignore what he says. There aren’t really too many exceptions here. Maybe if he was in a hostage situation where the kidnappers could see him, but not hear his voice. Then, his behavior would be the lie, and he’d be telling the truth with his words. But…wait, let me read your request again…mmm….nope. I don’t see it. Ok, so trust his behavior, NOT his words.

If he is behaving in a way that says he doesn’t love you, does it even matter what he says OR what he feels? I mean, what if you somehow knew that deep down he really loved you, but he still treated you like crap? Would that make this relationship feel good to you? Doubt it.

So, let’s sum up his actions:

• Won’t initiate sex.
• Insults you.
• Wants you to go back to your country.
• Says you can’t go to university because it’s too expensive, but goes himself.
• You started off with him telling you “many lies”

Now, is this who you want to spend your life with? Sounds to me like insecurity is the basis for your thing. His insecurities made him “need” you, and yours are keeping you with him.

Pull the ‘chute, MB. Seriously, there is no mystery to his thoughts. This is someone who does not respect you, does not treat you well, and you are NOT HAPPY. Unless I missed something in your letter, I can’t imagine that changing.

Good luck, MB. I’m sorry to be the bearer of such lousy news, but I just don’t see another answer. Your insecurities aren’t going to get any better staying with this douche.

What’s your verdict, ladies? What’s her exit strategy here? Or am I off the mark?

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COMPLETE TEXT OF REQUEST

Hi there.
Plz exuse my English.
I really don’t know how to make this short. its a long story and it began in 2004. I met a guy from a different country while I was studying abroad( I was 19 yrs old). he was very strange, acting so emotional even from the 1st day.Telling me he loves me short after that.( my first Boyfriend)
I didn’t love him at all I was just attracted to him. He told me many lies and after i found out I tried to break up with him several times but it didn’t work, he kept coming back and I couldn’t say no. He was a simple worker while I was on my way to graduate from Uni.( I was very confident, independent and happy and secure). he asked me to marry him, I was very confused(20 yrs old). I did marry him and gave up my studies and traveled with him to his country to live together there. I was never satisfied with him sexually and he knows of that. He had some problems…
when we moved here I become so dependent on him coz here I have no friends and I have language barrier and I need him for almost everything. I got insecurities and self doubt. He promised me before moving to his country that we would both go to university and finish our studies together.
but after we moved here he told me uni are too expensive and we cant afford! and I have language problem. suddenly He decided to go to piloting school and his dad pays for his 60,000 Euro( the money problem vanished suddenly but only for him) and now he is on his way to be a pilot. he receive calls from a female classmate and I don’t feel right about that. but when I ask him some question he says I’m too doubtful and i check on him too much.
Now I love him so much and he seems like he doesn’t love me at all( opposite of the beginning). he ignores my emotions. I’m the one who is always going to him. he doesn’t try to get intimated with me.when I do sometimes he run away from it by bringing excuses. He even told me I need to go back to my country for a while.
the thing is I don’t even know why I love him now. It seems the more he shows no love to me the more I want him. I feel like if he didn’t have the sex problem he would leave me. I feel very insecure. I gave up everything for him and now he is doing great in his life.when we fight he even tells me my life sucks and i tell him that before getting with him i had a perfect life. I feel so bad. I don’t understand why he changed so much. did he ever love me or just wanted to feel secure by being with someone?!!!! I feel used.when I ask him if he loves me he always says yes but his actions make me feel the opposite. This whole situation is a question to me. plz tell me exactly what you think. I’m very inexperienced. He was my first boyfriend.. plz give me some advice what’s the best thing to do. How to know what he thinks and what’s going on with him.?!if you need to know more detail about anything I can write you private.
I need help asap. I know I did many mistakes and I don’t wanna do anymore.
Thank you