manslations

Great request here from Janay, who was a victim of the ol’ Anger Smokescreen. And then, once she dumped the practitioner of said screen, he told her about some of the other ladies he had been seeing. Why would he do it? And what should she do about it? Let’s take a look:

A girlfriend of mine sent me a link to this site this week after I told her about what’s been going on with my now ex boyfriend…Oh, Jeff, where have you been all my life?!

Well, I was born a coal miner’s daughter in the hills of West Virginny…

Or at least the past 2 years of my life…!

Oh, that’s much easier. Eating poptarts. For most of it, anyway.

See, I have this little problem – or, rather, the ex has this little problem -with the “internet thing” (yes, I read your post about the Anger Smoke Screen…totally him!!!). I caught him doing some very, uh, “interesting” google searches (from the looks of it, I think you would be very proud!), and looking at dating websites.

Yes, I’m sure you found this behavior ever so “interesting.” I’m sure you pounded the crap out of him with great interest.

I confronted him about it, and he made excuse after excuse after excuse of why it was not a “big deal”, and why it wasn’t hurting anything (which led to me giving him a pretty good ass whoopin’ while asking “DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT’S NOT HURTING ANYTHING?!”…).

And there we have the crap pounding.

He said he was sorry, but not for doing it, just for getting caught. I was so angry with him, I told him this was a deal breaker for me.

What?! How dare you have enough self-esteem not to fall for the Anger Smokescreen!?

He begged me not to leave. Then he tried playing the head game “You’re not really leaving. You won’t do it…”

A little male “jedi mind trick” there. Boy, this guy trusted in his psychic powers over you a lot more than he probably should have, eh?

Then he said “Come on, please don’t do this! This isn’t really over…”

Ok, finally he avoided trying to manipulate you and went straight for the begging.

We had been together for a little over 2 years at this point, and he had promised me “forever” SO MANY TIMES! But when I saw that he was online trolling for other women, I couldn’t imagine a future with him that wouldn’t involve some sort of STD I contracted after he decided to cheat on me…

Well good for you. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are far more imaginative than that, and they’d have bought his crapoliage.

Okay, so after all of that, I go back the next day, we talk and decide it’s really “over” (only, in my head, I’m hoping douche bag just comes to his senses and fights for me…). He started dating several women less than a week after we broke up, all of which he met online. I got caught “breaking in” to his dating site account (nothing makes a woman more crazy than being in love and heartbroken!), so he gave me the silent treatment for a week.

Wait…weren’t you broken up? How un-silent was the treatment otherwise? I mean…how chatty were you two in your newly broken up state? Hm.

When we finally talked again, he was telling me about all of his dates, the types of girls he was going out with, how much fun he had on each one…I dealt with it until he “slipped” and told me that he hadn’t come home the night before from his date (this was almost 3 weeks after we broke up). He then lied to me saying he had stayed at his best friend’s house. I called him back about an hour later to tell him I didn’t understand why he would A.) say something like that to me knowing how hurt I’ve been, and B.) why he would lie about
where he had stayed when he knows I’m amazing at catching him in lies (call it my spidey senses…).

Yeah, I’m usually pretty much a black belt in ferreting out lies as well. As I’m sure you can attest, it’s very much a mixed blessing. (Plus, I rarely can watch movies with a super secret twist ending without figuring them out in the first half hour.)

He yelled and screamed and told me (insert big scary man voice here) his life is none of my business, I’m NOT his girlfriend anymore and I NEVER will be again, so stop calling him, stop emailing him, blah blah blah… (Anger Smoke Screen?)

Yep.

So, here’s my question to you, Oh Great Manslator:

Why? Why would he do that? Why would he tell me about these dates he’s going on? Why would he tell me he didn’t come home from one of his dates? Why, oh why, would he get ANGRY at me when I got my feelings hurt after all of that? And, yes, I know he’s a steaming pile of donkey poo, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have immense feelings for him…do I owe it to him to sit down and have a talk?

Dear Janay,

Wow. Three very different questions here. And with three very simple answers. Ready? Wh…no? I mean…all you have to do is stop reading if you’re not ready. Sigh. Ok, I’ll wait.

Ok, now are you ready? Great. Onto your 3 questions:

1.) WHY TELL YOU ABOUT THE DATES, ETC.

Simple. He wanted you to feel bad. The only reason he was going on these dates in the first place was because he was feeling lousy about getting dumped, and looking for something to distract him from feeling like a buttwipe.

Look, he was trying to manipulate your feelings the whole way through:

• HOW DARE YOU — trying to make you feel ashamed of yourself
• IT’S NO BIG DEAL — trying to make you doubt your hurt feelings
• YOU WON’T LEAVE — trying to get you to doubt your resolve
• PLEASE DON’T GO — trying to get you to feel guilty.

So here’s another one.

• I’M SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN — trying to make you feel like you’re missing out

It’s insecurity, Janay (your name, by the way, is playing out as Forrest Gump mispronouncing “Jenny” in my little mind. Just so you know.) He’s insecure, and he feels he can’t deal with you on an even playing field. He’s trying to mess with you, so YOU’LL feel insecure enough that you won’t leave him.

2.) WHY WOULD HE GET ANGRY WITH YOU ABOUT THIS?

Same story here. He’s trying to get you to do what HE wants by trying to get you to feel like you’re being unreasonable in doing what YOU want. It’s the ol’ jedi mind trick. But, ah, he’s no jedi.

3.) DO YOU (gulp) “OWE” HIM A TALK?

…or is he a jedi…?

Janay, you don’t “owe” him a thing. Well, unless you realize that men view “The Talk” like a trip to the dentist without the benefit of nitrous. In that case, you might “owe” him a nice trip to The Talk. It might be a great punishment for him.

But seriously. No, no, no. He’s proven about eleven times in your letter that he is manipulative. He’s trying to trick you into dancing to his tune. Big insecurity trip going on with him. And if you feel that you owe it to him to sit down and have a talk? Well, that means it almost worked.

Lucky for you, I’m guessing that there will be about a zillion comments from ladies everywhere, telling you not to freaking bother.

Good luck, Janay. You got out. Be happy. I know you still have feelings for him, of course you do. But that doesn’t mean you have to do something with them. It just means that you’re human. He’s shown you his true colors. No point in going fishing for more colors there.

What say you, miladies? Does she owe this fine young fellow a talk, he asked while ducking?