Do Men Tease? (Hint: “yes”)
Well, we’ve got a disappointed manslatee on our hands. No Time to Lose (from this post about asking a man out) asked a dude out…and it turns out he has a girlfriend. But he was being so flirty? She wants to know, what gives? Do men just like to tease and flirt? Let’s see what’s what here?
Dear Jeff:
Yes?
Do men tease?
Oh my, yes.
I took your advise, I made the first move, and then some. I gave him my number and he told me he had a girlfriend.
Ahhh, the ol’ girlfriend on the sly trick. Yeah, that does happen.
But wait a minute! He’s been flirting with me for two months. I did not imagine this. Serious long-lasting eye contact. Excuses to come over to my desk. Me, listening to his braggardly talk about his sports pursuits and gambling successes. These were very obvious as in: “Look at me! I’m a macho guy!”
I certainly hope he didn’t use those words. Especially when describing “successful gambling”. Otherwise, I’d have to wonder what the attraction was in the first place. Musta been a hottie?
Plus, he aint that good looking. He’s got a belly and gray hair. This is no Casanova.
Well, there goes that theory!
I asked him twice about his weekend plans giving him a huge opening for “…me and my girlfriend.” Nope. Just him and the guys – Never, nothing.
What tha? So do men just like to see how far they can take it?
That is precisely what some men want, yes. Some men, in a potentially flirty situation, like to just allow it to go as far as they can without stepping over any lines. Lots of reasons. To prove to himself he’s attractive, to enjoy the thrill and the fun of it without getting in trouble with the gf. Yeah, this does happen.
Is there any way i could have avoided this?
Well…I mean…you could have not asked him out. But as I recall, you were pining away pretty hard for this guy. Is that really better? Up to you, but for my money it’s better to have asked and gotten shot down than to reinforce the idea that you just have to wait until someone else does all the stuff. But that’s just me.
Oh, I didn’t take my phone number back when I handed him the sticky note. I was very classy, “That’s okay, you can throw it away….take care of yourself.” And away I went. Hopefully forever, although I could run into him again. Maybe I came on too strong since I read that he might be shy? Maybe because I amp’ed it up a little i came across desperate. SHOOT!
No, no, no — sounds like you did just fine. It’s just that he isn’t available, is all. Changing your approach would not have dissolved his girlfriend into dust. Well…I don’t think it would, at least. I suppose you could be one of the X-men or a sorceress or some such. But aside from those admittedly very, very likely possibilites — the girlfriend? Exists. The dude? Not forthcoming. The flirting? Misleading. I don’t think you made a “mistake” here. You just misread someone you liked. If I had a nickel for every time I did that, I would be sued for destroying my apartment building under the weight of all the nickels.
No time to lose is very upset and disappointed!
But I cherish your advice,
NTTL
Dear NoTime,
I am sorry that this one didn’t work out. But I have to tell you — this is the way the whole “asking out” goes. Now you know why many guys are so gunshy about doing it. Every time you ask someone out, you are always, always putting yourself at risk for being turned down.
But nobody dies from it. Well, almost nobody. I’m sure somebody has died from being turned down for a date, but…nobody good, I bet.
AGAIN: DO MEN TEASE?
Does the Pope hide pedophiles? Absolertainly. No question, guys “tease” just like women do. Flirting with no intention of taking it further is an equal opportunity type of deal. I doubt it was with malice aforethought, but hey, I’m sure that has happened as well.
The important thing is, don’t let this make you more shy about the whole thing. You did the hardest thing there is. As I’ve said before, this reminds me of when you absolutely tank it on stage as a stand up comic. Nobody laughs, they hate your guts, and you go home with your bottom lip dragging on the floor, you feel so stupid.
But a little while later (for me it was usually a little under 24 hours) it occurred to me that this was a badge of honor. Most people won’t even try for fear of this very thing — even if they really, really want to. They just sit at home and tell themselves some BS to distract themselves from the fact that they know EXACTLY why they don’t do it. It’s scary.
Same thing with asking someone out. You did it. Lots of people don’t have the guts, but you do. And speaking as someone who has failed many times at many things, but kept right on going — I salute you.
Seriously, no joke. It’s impressive as hell to overcome your personal El Guapo and give something terrifying a try (Three Amigos? Anyone?)
Good luck, No Time To Lose. You lost one dude, but you may have gained something a lot more important.
What do you say, ladies? Do men tease? Any way NTTL could have avoided this?
Posted: May 8th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Dating Goddess
Time May 8, 2008 at 10:48 am
My two cents: Many folks may have a “girl/boyfriend” — someone they’re seeing but not in love with — and they never know how long it is going to last. One of them could ditch the other with a text at any moment. They are each other’s better-than-nothing (BTN) so they hang out together, have sex, etc., because there is nothing better on the horizon.
So they flirt with others so they’ll have an option. If the gf/bf breaks up with them, they have someone already in the pipeline. Or if this new person seem hotter, they can break up with their BTN and explore this new person.
Happens all the time. I date midlife men, and it happens in this world as well as with younger people. I think NTTL got caught in this web.
Dating Goddess
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Comment from Teresa
Time May 8, 2008 at 11:17 am
WTG !!! It takes all of us some nerve before we ask out the opposite sex, You took the ball and ran with it, although this one didnt work out, keep trying !!!!!!!
Comment from Selena
Time May 8, 2008 at 3:57 pm
The only way I can think that you could have avoided this NTTL is if you had asked him point blank “Do you have a girlfriend?”. As women, I believe that thought crosses our minds, but seems somehow too forward to just blurt out. Unlike men, who routinely ask the same of women they are attracted to.
Should we start asking? Maybe so, when they start the heavy flirting–just so everybody knows where they stand. What do you think ladies? Jeff?
Comment from mar
Time May 8, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Selena, do you mean asking straight away “Do you have a girlfriend?” Hum, I think women already do that, although perhaps not flatly like that… Myself, I make conversation with a man: ask him what are his plans for the weekend, or the holidays… If he has a gf, then it should pop up then.
Dating Goddess, I think you are absolute right about that!
Comment from Selena
Time May 8, 2008 at 7:05 pm
But see Mar,
NTTL did do that–TWICE–and the guy never took the bait. Maybe on purpose because he didn’t want to turn off the flirting, or maybe he was just obtuse who knows? Anyway, that’s what gave her the impression he was a free agent.
If we as women are going to be more assertive when it comes to men we are attracted to, might we better become more direct as well when it comes to determining their status?
For years I’ve been routinely asked my status by men early on. Amusingly, sometimes right off the bat. “Hi. What’s your name? Do you have a husband? Boyfriend?” Hell, I’ve been asked that question when meeting new male co-workers, a new dentist! Point is, guys seem to think nothing of getting that question out of the way without fanfare. I don’t think I’ve often asked it myself though, at least not right off.
It seems to me, if someone starts flirting heavily, we SHOULD ask their status rather than just assuming the person is available given all the attention directed our way. Let’s face it, some people are just misleading-intentionally or otherwise.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 8, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Our Dear Selena is absolutely on the right track! However, the “what’s your name” is an excessively needless detail if availability is non-existent. When one’s interest in a person is great, the FIRST question should be about whether that ‘someone’ is *attached*. Sure, someone can be “available” AND be *attached* onto her/his own person-of-interest, simultaneously! True, it could be nice to mind-read, but there might be some good sentiment lost! Dear NTTL: Cheerfully count it all Joy–of a sort; if not now, Later!
Comment from hunter
Time May 10, 2008 at 9:51 am
Sometimes, men ask themselves, “Can this tough woman be conquered?”
Comment from No time to lose
Time June 12, 2008 at 11:56 pm
I never thanked you Jeff, and all of you for your kind thoughts and advise. I had to re-read this again tonight to keep my motivation up. I dated a guy for couple months, and that didn’t work out. And I’ve been on two dates since. I am not giving up!!
Thank you all so much for the positive feedback. Really needed it!!
NTTL
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 15, 2008 at 9:42 pm
hunterDear!
Say IT ain’t so: “conquered” notion isn’t an ideal prelude to romance; *flirting* IS!
My sweet Oops…if combat is Your best strategy; can grasp that. Hack Away!
Comment from Jane
Time May 3, 2012 at 11:11 pm
Dude- I have had a long time crush on a guy, we worked together, hooked up on a drunken staff party (only heavyish petting) and nothing eventuates, he had recently separated from his cheating wife at the time & I was young & out for fun, since then I have married & am myself recently separated, he is in a relationship but there is so much sexual tension between us when we see each other, we are both openly flirtatious, a few years ago while I was still married he invited me back to his house in a very respectful manner, obviously I declined… But this guy truly drives me nuts with attraction… This has gone on for 10 years, he told my sister that his timing was bad and he had missed the boat with me… Arrrggggh I know it sounds like a lame ass movie…
(please don’t show my email address) x
Comment from mar
Time May 8, 2008 at 8:43 am
No way to avoid it! But also: not a reason to stop asking men out! Well done NTTL!
Mar