All Is Well, Until the Ol’ Four Year Mark…
Our situation o’ the day is as mystifying as it is common. The sudden — and seemingly out of nowhere — breakup. 4 years, everything seems fine, and then boom. So…wha happa? Lylie wants to know. I think I can help. Let’s see what’s going on first:
Hello,
My boyfriend of four years has just suddenly broken up with me because he says that he does not love me. Or at least he does not feel what he thinks he should feel so long into the relationship. We have been perfectly happy so far. We have the same ambitions, same religious views and family values. He recently told his father that he was thinking about marrying me which was not very welcomed as he is 24 and I am 22. I do realise that I put pressure on him and so did his family. I really think that he is running scared because my view of love is not about flowers and gazing into each other’s eyes but also about trust, care and companionship and we had that. He says that he had been thinking about it over the previous days and even previous months but feels like he put my feelings before his. Is he being truthful to himself or idealistic about love should me and not realising that what we have is special. When all the magic goes out in a relationship its other factors that make a relationship successful.
Please help.
Dear Lylie,
Well, I’m probably not the first to say this, but sorry about the breakup. It’s always pretty much the crappiest thing ever. There isn’t much I can do to make it any less crappy, and so I won’t try. But I think I have the explanation for the sudden “change of heart” your man experienced.
First of all, let’s look at the timing.
NATURE’S LITTLE SPEED BUMPS
As I wrote in this post back in November, there do seem to be certain pretty specific moments when a relationship seems to be in “recertification” mode. A guy feels these milestones hit, and he suddenly, and out of the blue, decides it’s time to go. Right around 4 years is one of the biggies. It seems to be directly linked to, “Hey, if we’re not married now…uh…how come?”
Now, when a relationship ends during one of these milestones, the problems are rarely sudden. It’s just that the timing is making the breaker-upper reevaluate what’s already wrong in their mind. It’s the same reason why the death rate spikes like crazy right after the holidays. It’s not like their health suddenly got lousy because it was January 2nd or so. It’s just that the timing of it (big arbitrary benchmark — New Year’s Day) made them think, “Hm. Death. Interesting.” And there they go.
SO, WHERE DID YOU SCREW THIS UP?
That’s always the question, right? Was it the pressure? Was it that your view of love wasn’t like his? Was it the way you wore your hair, or the way you refuse to wear your solid silver cape and tricorn George Washington hat more than once without drycleaning? (Hey, how am I supposed to know how you dress?)
To me, it doesn’t sound like it was your doing. Look, I’ve felt pressure to get married in my life. Didn’t make me want to break up, unless I already wanted to. I mean, sure, putting that “when are we getting married?” question in the mind of someone who isn’t interested in EVER getting married? Sure, that’ll get you interested in bailing out. But if you were already in for life, the pressure is just annoying or stressful. Not relationship-threatening.
SO WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG THEN?
This is the money quote:
he does not feel what he thinks he should feel
Another way to manslate this is, “He doesn’t feel the way he wants to feel.” As in, he’s not happy or satisfied in the relationship. Look, we all have some sort of inner checklist of how we believe love should feel. We can talk ourselves into settling for something other than that — especially when it’s one of our first relationships, or when we find someone who treats us really well and we think, “Well shoot, how much better do I really want to hold out for?” But we secretly know it’s not what we want.
Now, again, that doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. And it most definitely doesn’t mean that there’s something less than desirable about you or the relationship. What it means is that this guy came to the conclusion that you were not his person FOREVER.
You say you and he were “perfectly happy together” and I don’t doubt it. But that 4 year mark can make you ask questions like, “This is…fine…but is this it? Is this really it for me, forever and ever? Is this all that I want, and I’m totally cool with nothing more, for my whole life?”
HOW COME HE DOESN’T KNOW WE’RE IN LOVE?
My lady fair once told me that this question sometimes comes up for women when their man of choice isn’t interested in the relationship. The assumption, she tells me, is that the relationship exists somewhere outside of both of you, it’s bigger than both of you, and if YOU are able to sense it, how come HE isn’t? Well, it’s because that’s not how it goes. What’s in you is in you, and what’s in him is in him.
And so the thing is, if you think you should be together and he thinks you shouldn’t, well, you’re both right. But unfortunately, it doesn’t take a unanimous vote to put the kibosh on a relationship. As you found out, it’s kind of a unilateral thing. Sorry about that. It’s one of the downsides of involving two separate skulls in any decision.
TRUTHFUL TO HIMSELF, OR IDEALISTIC ABOUT LOVE?
Could very well be both, couldn’t it? Look, he might be being unrealistic. He might be too idealistic. But again, he gets to make that call. The real answer is that he, like all of us, is being as truthful to himself as he can be.
Good luck, Lylie. I wish I could make this make more sense to you, but it just never does. Just know that there’s nothing you’ve done wrong, or should be doing better. You just don’t wield that kind of power over someone else’s life decisions, I swear. He has just, at this point, decided that he hasn’t yet found what he’s looking for.
What do you say, ladies? What happened here? Any theories? Ever hit the 4 year firewall?
Posted: May 9th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time May 9, 2008 at 9:18 am
Jeff
I regard this as one of your best pieces of advice. So true: it’s an individual call. Sometimes it doesn’t make any sense at all to the other person… so what? Everybody gets to make their decision, and that’s it.
I agree that Lylie’s bf has a different idea of what he wants in a love relationship, and that for some reason he has not realized this before, or considered it properly. It’s just very unfortunate, I think, this comes after 4 years of the relationship.
I think age is probably crucial to understand this story. I don’t mean to pretend that this would not happen to older people, I’m sure it does, but I think it is more common for young people to change their mind radically about something. Just because they have less experience of life, and have had less time to think about what they really want. To know yourself takes time, and it takes experience of different things. You don’t know if you like this flavour or that other until you try different flavours, right? Well, perhaps the same goes with relationships. Perhaps he wouldn’t have known, at this point in his life, that he wanted something different out of a love relationship, if he had not been in a relationship like this?
Lylie, I’m very sorry. But in the end, if he didn’t want a relationship like this, then he wasn’t the man for you, was he? You know what you want, and that’s good, and now you have a new opportunity to look for it.
Best of luck.
Mar
Comment from L
Time May 9, 2008 at 9:34 am
I’m just a lurker here (this site is so addictive I just keep coming back!), but I had to respond to this post b/c of my experience. A little more than a year ago, my bf of 6 years broke up with me “out of the blue” — like Lylie, I too thought that our relationship was fine and dandy, and any problems we had, I rationalized as the result of depression on his part (he was working on his dissertation and was extremely stressed so we had less sex and he paid less attention to me). When he broke up with me, it took me by complete surprise and the first thing I wanted to do was come up with a list of reasons about why things didn’t work — all of these reasons were fixable, and it took me a couple of weeks before I realized that the truth, that my ex just didn’t love me anymore, was unfixable and, as Jeff notes above, I had no control over his feelings (as much as I wished I did, omg).
The whole experience just about crushed me, but the one thing I held on to was that little nugget of truth – I couldn’t make him be in love with me… So as hurt as I was, I decided that if I truly loved him, then the best and only thing I could do was to let him go (boy I hate cliches but they’re around for a reason, b/c they’re true), so let go I did. The good thing is that the experience led me to some really amazing other *new* experiences that I wouldn’t have had with him (I drove alone with my dog to California and back from Missouri last summer, for example, and my ex hated road trips!), and it forced me to really get to know myself in a way that I never had while being in that relationship.
My advice: Spend whatever time you need grieving and letting go – assume the best about your ex and do justice to the way you feel about him out of respect for yourself and him – watch a bunch of breakup movies (trust me, you’ll feel great knowing that the breakup was honest instead of mean and nasty!), and then work on enjoying being alone and appreciating all the fabulous things about yourself.
Comment from Susan
Time May 9, 2008 at 11:38 am
Speaking as someone who sometimes forgets that we all process things, love and break-up differently (and wishes that we didn’t), this is another great manslation. And, I agree wholeheartedly with the ladies above, especially L. Good luck, Lylie. It sure as heck sucks, but you’ll be ok, even if it doesn’t seem like it now.
Comment from Grace
Time May 9, 2008 at 11:43 am
You guys were together for 4 years. What you had was great, he wanted your relationship to work. BUT people are complicated, and sadly sometimes it is just not about what is good or bad, right or wrong. He was probably happy, he probably loved you, he treated you well, but those were not what he really wanted.
People and their strange ambitions, and even though we are all the same species, each of us can want very, very different things for life.
Although I do think he has led you on for too long. 4 years, it’s good to know that he was serious about you, but the price you pay is that it was time-consuming.
Sorry about the break up.
Comment from TJo
Time May 9, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Sorry to hear about the break up, it’s always hurtful. (2) key things to remember, if he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go. And, be with someone who knows what they have when they have you. Take whatever time it takes you to heal yourself, it will happen but takes time. Your ages probably have more to do with this than you realize. You are not the same person at 22 as you were at 18 when you entered this relationship. You will grow & mature by leaps & bounds as a person in the next few years, the person that was great for you at 18 may not be such a perfect fit as an adult. Take the opportunity to know yourself & date others. You may find that you’ve been dating “vanilla” all along when you really like “rocky road” , but you’ve never tried it so how could you know? You don’t know what you’re missing. There is always a possibility that once you’ve both had an opportunity to have some space that you may realize that you are each others perfect fit. Best of Luck
Comment from Cindy
Time May 9, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Lylie, you’re looking at this from the wrong side of the fence. Oddly enough, I know a man who is in a relationship with a woman who is not 100% of what he wants. Consequently, he spends a lot of time on “mental vacation” from this woman, and stays in the relationship because of a sense of obligation to her (she helped raise his kids after his first wife passed away). It makes me NUTS that he is so utterly selfish – yes, selfish. By continuing the relationship with her he prevents her from finding a man who is completely, 100%, head-over-heels in love with her. She’s a good woman, and I think she deserves that! (Incidently, they’re actually ALREADY divorced, but she moved back in his house 3 yrs. ago. Geeze, what a mess) So I think you should consider yourself LUCKY that your ex-bf cared about you enough to have the courage of his convictions, and let set you free to find a man who loves you like you deserve to be loved. You might not see it now, but I bet it won’t take you too long to see it!!!
Comment from hunter
Time May 10, 2008 at 9:45 am
..The man loved you for four years, and he may still love you, the thing is, men intellectualize, we can override that.
Comment from mar
Time May 11, 2008 at 7:55 am
hunter: men intellectualize?
Comment from hunter
Time May 14, 2008 at 10:35 pm
to mar
yes…
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 22, 2008 at 7:03 pm
What does that mean, Hunter? And what are you saying about “overriding” it?
Thanks,
Anne
Comment from Selena
Time May 9, 2008 at 7:28 am
I think Jeff hit the mark when he wrote, “What it means is that this guy came to the conclusion that you were not his person FOREVER.”
For me that firewall has tended to come around the 3 yr. mark, usually involving alot of doubts, not getting along, and it can take months before the final breakup occuring anywher from almost 3 yrs. to 4.5. I now tend to hold with the theory that sometimes relationships simply run their course and often that course turns out to be in the 2-5 yr. range.
Why? I expect because that is the time frame when there is the internal questioning about getting married, “We’ve been together *this* long, shouldn’t we be ready to make a permanent committment by now?” And if the answer to that is no, then it’s natural to question why not? And what are you doing in this relationship? Are you dissatisfied? If so why are you staying? That can lead sometimes to “fighting your way out” as I have experienced.
I do find it odd Lylie that your bf seemed to breakup “out of the blue”. Are you sure there weren’t any signs or signals of him pulling away in the time before he ended it? Perhaps he’s the kind of person who keeps his feelings inside until he makes a decision?
In any case, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I concur with Jeff, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he didn’t feel “Forever” and ended it before boxing himself in. Sorry.