manslations

A flurry of questions from Alicia, who wants to know…well, pretty much everything. Good for you, Alicia — get your money’s worth, here! She wrote in some general “warm-up” questions first, but once she had her manslations-request-muscles good and limber, she got into a pretty common situation — is the guy she likes interested in her? Or is he just being polite? Let’s find out:

Hi. Cool website (requisite ass kissing out of the way. No. seriously. novel idea; I’m always bothering guy friends with questions to the point where they give me the weird looks).

I guess that’s one nice thing about the internet — you can’t see all the weird looks I’m giving you right now.

So. Can I ask more than one question at a time? Oh, what the hell….

Self help books always say: A guy likes a confident average-to-pretty-looking woman who is INTERESTED in him more than a drop-dead, socially shy chick. True or not?

Well, I don’t know that there’s a hard and fast rule about this. And I don’t think you need to really worry about it regardless. I mean…if you happened to be a drop-dead gorgeous woman who was shy, what are you going to do? Ugly yourself up and stop being shy? I think people are FAR better off being however they are and forgetting the rules. It’s a lot easier, and you are that much more likely to attract someone who likes whatever breed of crazy you happen to exhibit.

How off-putting is it for a sexually experienced man to sleep with a woman who is a virgin?

I’ve never done it myself, but I’m told that it can definitely be a little nervewracking. Like, not necessarily to the point where he wouldn’t do it. But he might be less likely to do it casually. (Unless, you know, he’s a giant douche. Or a regular sized douche.) Most nice guys are pretty aware that your first time might be a little intense, verging on traumatic, and they are appropriately daunted by the importance of the task.

If a woman decides to ask a guy out on a date, generally, how do you think that would be received/perceived/interpreted by the guy being asked out?

Generally speaking, it will NOT be seen negatively. And by that I only mean to say that the act of asking a dude out won’t be a problem. Now, that doesn’t mean he wants to date you, or that he’s automatically going to respond well — all I’m saying is that whether or not he would want to date you will not change for better or for worse by you asking him out.

And then a little while later that day, Alicia wrote a pretty long description of her specific situation (excerpt at the end), which boils down to:

• She met a guy through friends.
• Met him again through friends several months later, and he asked her, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
• He was telling a funny story with a “guess the ending” that Alicia admitted she already knew. When the time came to reveal the secret ending, he invited her to do the honors.
• When a different guy was drunkenly armwrestling all the girls in the room (winner!) Our Hero put his hand over theirs for the wrestling countdown (and didn’t do that for others.
• He was “chivalrous,” helping her with bags, etc.
• Alicia describes herself as cynical about this sort of thing being possible, and also the type of person who can tend to give off a “do not disturb” vibe.

The big question — is he interested or was he just raised right and being polite?

Dear Alicia,

I have to say, there’s just no great way to tell with this little info. The fact that he let you deliver the punchline of his funny story was…well…as someone who tells the occasional funny story, that’s pretty damn “polite” to just be polite, you know? I mean, the whole reason you tell a funny story is for the fun of the payoff. If he was willing to hand that payoff over, well, it’s at least a point of interest. I’m sure that there are men who are that polite, but…er…I guess I’m not one of ‘em. And I’m, like, introduce-to-grandma polite.

I don’t know, Alicia. It’s just not enough information to make a great read. My best advice would be to engineer some way to spend more time in this guy’s company. My guess would be that if you can take down your Do Not Disturb sign and give him half a chance, this would be the kind of guy who would take that bait.

And if he doesn’t, but you still think he even MIGHT be flirting? Why not ask him out? It’s not like the two of you are constantly running into one another. How awkward could it be?

But I understand if that’s too much of a leap for you, being a “do not disturb”ist. Get a friend to help out in engineering some more time with the dude in a non-threatening group setting. That way, you can do your recon without having to put yourself too far out there on a limb.

Good luck, Alicia. And take down that sign! After all, don’t you want to be disturbed a little?

Any advice for seemingly a relative newbie to the dating pool, ladies?

——————————————————

Full “second request” below.

Okay. I have another question, but allow me to paint a picture for this one. Sorry if this is long-winded.

I met a guy (sorta; we were in the same company but weren’t introduced ) at this farm as I was leaving. He was chatting to my friend out on the porch (they’ve known each other since they were kids). Almost two months later my friend (the same one) had a dinner party and this same guy was there. I was in her tiny kitchen cooking when he arrived. At this point I turned around and smiled my greeting. He smiled back and then said “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”, still smiling widely. I replied yes and explained where and then he said “Oh yes of course” and we introduced ourselves to each other, you know, the normal, him asking where I lived, me asking what he did etc. I realised he was very attractive and I got nervous, and made a mental note to try to NOT sit next to him during dinner ,which failed miserably – my cooking duties meant I arrived at the table last and that was the only seat open. He tells this dinner party anecdote which I had happened to have read about before,
so I say I won’t ruin his game (everyone else had to guess the answer). The guessing game went on for a few minutes and as he provided more clues I think we may have flirted, but very lightly (or I’m looking for flirting in my ever-ending overthinking??). When everyone gave up and could no longer wait for the answer, he turned to me and asked me to tell them. Of course I politely declined (didn’t want to steal his thunder), and he in turn insisted and I could tell that this could soon get on everyone’s nerves so I did. Afterwards everyone went on chatting and as the night wore on and my friend’s boyfriend started challenging everyone to arm-wrestling (of course too much wine played a part here ). So I take his challenge since I thought ok what the hell. So we’re holding hands ready to begin arm-wrestling when the pretty one next to me lays his hand over ours in a gesture of counting down and I squirm even more because his hand is warm and feels amazing. Drunk boy proceeds to arm
wrestle with the other girl in room (not his girlfriend), and I remembered afterward that pretty one didn’t hold their hands in a countdown.

Basically, he was very sweet, chivalrous (at the farm he helped me with bags and things) and unlike what I’m used to. I am attracted to him and of course I spoke to my friend about it and everything else I’ve heard about him attracts me more. So. This is just a guy being polite, correct? My fairytale brain is looking for things to make me think there is a chance here, right? Just some context: I grew up in an abusive home (none at me though), and I’m inclined to be very cynical about everything, and especially so regarding the fact that a man could be interested in me. This makes me socially insecure much more than would be normal, and I end up putting up walls. I’m confused because I’m aware that the vibe I sometimes send out is “do not disturb’ (my friend has been honest with me) and when guys have tried to chat to me in the past I didn’t realise at the time what was going on (low self esteem) and I may have been dismissive. I AM in therapy and changing my filter I have on the
world from a negative to a realistic one, but in the interim I have nothing to base anything on! My old self says this is just normal behaviour for anyone who was raised well with good manners, my semi-new less cynical self is trying to come to terms with the fact that men could possibly be interested. IS he?