Is Asking for Pics of Another Woman a Phase!?
Ok, I think we’re going to have to call for an intervention on this one, ladies. I might need your help here. Stacy’s fiance of six years is asking for pics of another woman. Crotch-related pics. She’s wondering if it’s a phase and if it will lead to cheating. (Answer key: #1: Who cares? #2: What “lead”? He’s there.)
My fiance who i have been dating for almost 6 years recently started talking to an old friend that lives in another state. I found some weird txts from her and i wasnt happy about them but i blew them off thinking nothing of them until one day i read she was having dirty thought about them together so i said something to him and he had no clue what it was about so he said.
Not a great sign, the old denial there. By the way, how did YOU have a clue about this? As in…how are you reading his text messages? Seems like you already know not to trust him, yes?
They i saw she tld him she would send him pictures on his yahoo account so me being nosy wanted to know what kind of pics she would send i got onto his account and found she send him 2 picutres of her butt in a thong and a bare picture of her crotch.
Uh, wow. Wow on what she did, and wow on how plugged in you are to his communications grid! I’ll be very interested to hear how he fields this one…
My whole heart sank and i started balling i had no idea what to do when i asked him about the pics he lied to me not knowing i knew what they were. i finally tld him i knew what they were of and he got mad at me like i did something wrong.
Well…this would be the old Anger Smokescreen in action, where he tries to make it your problem what he did. Then again, in all fairness, you most certainly did do something wrong. I mean, he absolutely has to answer for what he did. We’ll get to that in a minute. But just to put it out there, it’s never going to be ok to be in a relationship where one of you is spying on the other one. If he’s someone you need to spy on, seriously, it’s going nowhere good.
We kinda talked about it and he told me he did it because he felt like he was trapped and he wanted to know he could still do what he wants i cant really explain but i knew what he meant.
I know what he meant, too. But does it matter? Just because it’s understandable doesn’t mean it’s ok with you, right?
He thinks it was nothing bad what he did though he asked for the pictures.
Ok, holy cow. I mean, it would be one thing if he just refused to discourage this woman from sending naked pics of herself. That would be bad enough. But to actually…request naked pics while you two are engaged? Uh…that’s not ok for any reason, no?
Im carrying his 3rd child and to me asking for naked pics of other girls is the same as cheating
Yes. Yes, it is. See, this is the difference between fantasy and reality. Having a fantasy about another woman — that’s involuntary. It would be like getting mad at someone for sneezing. Asking that woman (in the real world, not just in his imagination) for a naked picture…that’s a choice. And it is cheating.
i dont know what to do anymore he wont even takl to me about it without getting all mad. I told him to stop talking to her and he told me he wasnt going to do that because they were friends and he wasnt giong to stop talking to a friend. are you kidding me she is not a good friend if she did something to mess up a 6 year relationship. please tell me what i can do and if its just a phase hes going through or if you think it will lead to cheating. please help!!
Dear Stacy,
Well, the fact that he gets angry when you bring it up is not good news. What this means is that he is trying not to have to change his behavior by pretending it’s all your problem.
As in, he’ll say, “I don’t know why you’re freaking out about this, it’s nothing! Man, you are way too nosy!” in the hopes that you’ll be insecure enough to wonder if maybe it IS your problem.
Is it a phase? Is it going to lead to cheating (as opposed to what it currently is, which is…ok?) Who knows? And who cares? What’s happening RIGHT NOW is in no way ok with you. And when you tell him so, he pretends that what he’s doing is fine and it’s only a problem in your mind.
HAVE AN INTERVENTION
My advice? Look, I can hear that you want to give this a chance. You’re carrying his child. It’s not so simple as just walking away. I get that you want that. So if you want to really see if there is any chance for this relationship to go anywhere, you’re going to have to lay it all on the line.
Do what they do when they have an intervention for an alcoholic. It’s basically a last chance. Basically saying, “This behavior doesn’t work for me, and there is no discussion on that point. It’s the behavior or it’s me, period.”
- Really give him the choice — As in, listen, you are welcome to keep doing this, that’s your choice. But not while you’re with me.
- Tell him about how YOU feel — as in, “When you do this, I feel like this.” As soon as you say, “You’re an a-hole for doing THIS!” then the conversation is over, you know?
- Stick to your guns — Don’t accept less than what you need from him. And don’t let him browbeat you into thinking that what you want/need is unreasonable.
- Don’t Bother to Argue – If he says that you’re unreasonable to want what you want, and that this is YOUR problem, don’t waste time arguing the point. You know it’s not unreasonable. Say, “Well, if you feel this is unreasonable then we’re going nowhere, because it’s what I need.”
Good luck, Stacy. I wish I had a better prognosis for you. But if there’s going to be any going forward for you two, it’s got to be with everything out there on the table.
What do you say, ladies? Any way to save this one? How should Stacy proceed?
Posted: May 21st, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 21, 2008 at 8:46 am
“But just to put it out there, it’s never going to be ok to be in a relationship where one of you is spying on the other one. If he’s someone you need to spy on, seriously, it’s going nowhere good.”
Print this ^ out and keep it in your wallet.
This man is the father of your children. For their sake, try to think of something good about him and keep that in mind at all times.
Now thwack yourself on the forehead and don’t let the door slam on your way out. You are on your way. He can have what he wants and you can have what you want—because what neither one of you wants is “this.”
He’s going to suddenly insist you’re the cheater, so cheerfully get the DNA tests (take his hairbrush with you as pack up) and file paternity suits so it’s all proper.
Difficult since you’re pregnant, yes. But, in my view, even more difficult to continue this pregnancy with him around. Ask yourself, what are your kiddies doing while you’re crying and spying and confronting? There’s at least one of them who can’t leave the room. None of this is good for anybody. Stop the madness.
Everyone of has been in love with the wrong person at some time. We all know how hard it is. We also know how better it is when we finally gather the courage to move on. We all look back at the craziness and say “I’ll never do that again.” This process is about to begin for you. You are not alone, not by any means. We’ve all been there and all know how much better life can be!
Comment from Ingrid
Time May 21, 2008 at 9:17 am
Run don’t walk to the nearest exit Stacy. In addition to not trusting this guy, he’s chosen to not communicate but only deny what’s really going on here. Sounds as though he’s already lamenting losing his freedom to do whatever he wants with other women.
I’d say you’re getting good advice although being pregnant makes things even more complicated. Sorry you’re dealing with this bad behaviour Stacy and good luck to you and your children. If he’s doing this now, imagine how it would be if you were actually married to him.
Comment from lisa
Time May 21, 2008 at 10:46 am
If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.
It is such a violation to you for him to even engage in the behavior of viewing her picts. God only knows what’s in his sent folder of him to her.
Sometimes you gotta pick your stuff up and just go, and not prolong the suffering. You cannot change someone who’s not willing to even address the problem.
Comment from mar
Time May 21, 2008 at 10:51 am
I endorse all of the above. It’s so unacceptable, I can’t even consider why she would want to stay in that relationship.
M
Comment from Madame X
Time May 21, 2008 at 10:56 am
I hope this doesn’t come off as rude…
But I don’t understand why someone would be on child #3 without being married. I can understand one unplanned pregnancy. But why #2 and then #3.
Everyone wants to blame him.. what kind of man is he.. won’t commit to marriage after 6 years. After the first child, if he refused to marry her, she should have been gone then! It takes 2 to tango! (Here’s a novel idea, bet married first and then have kids.)
She should have dumped this LOSER years ago!
Comment from Sassy
Time May 21, 2008 at 11:50 am
Stacy, I’m so sorry that you have to be in this position. While it may be hard, you need to make a plan. Lean on friends and family—that’s what they’re there for. You need to take care of yourself and your kids and get away from a man who clearly does not respect you. I can imagine that you’re very scared, but things generally have a way of working out.
If you need, get some professional help. There are lots of organizations that can help including your local pastor, women’s shelters, etc. Just getting some basic information, even if you don’t act on it right away, is very empowering.
Good luck to you.
Comment from Shelby
Time May 21, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Here’s an example of what I recently went through: My boyfriend and I recently moved into a VERY large historic, so we’re never in the same part of the house at the same time. Especially when we’re working on the restoration. We have to answer each other’s cell phones when they ring, depending on who’s closer to which phone at the time and who has the better reception in whatever area of the house. The other day, HIS phone received one of those cutesy-flirty text messages from his longtime female friends. So I took him his phone; said nothing. He immediately called this friend on speaker, saying “I haven’t heard from you in two months. How’s Bob? (Her boyfriend.) What’s the deal with this message?” I heard the lady say, “Oh, sorry if I bothered you. I was sending it to everyone I know. Bob sent it to me. Isn’t that funny?” The pure fact that I didn’t have to say a word and he knew that I wouldn’t particularly appreciate another woman’s text made him want to let me know there was nothing for me to worry about. Even if I knew there was nothing to worry about in the first place; she’s several states away, has a boyfriend, they’ve known each other for 15 years, etc., etc. This is an example of a man who gives a crap about my feelings. If he were receiving these messages all the time, emailing with her, asking for pics (besides the ones with her boyfriend and children included in them) I’d also wonder what the heck was going on. My point is, if MY boyfriend asked another woman for naked pics, I’d leave. Now, he has his “stash” of pretty ladies on his PSP, he has ladies flirting with him all the time. I’m sure he has as Jeff refers to, “Sneeze Fantasies.” This is NO Big Deal. It’s when the guy starts ASKING and eliciting attention from another woman that it becomes a problem. pregnant or not, I’d leave. I wouldn’t put up with the disrespect.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 21, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Dear Stacy: Methinks that your “fianHEsay” eased/tricked your access [unless you're a hacker!] to his various grids because he wanted you to learn about his winning ways. Make your 3rd child YOUR three’s-the-charm to vacate his life, with written visitation of course. The toddlers don’t deserve that stress AND you neither deserve nor need it. Of course, life will be more difficult in some ways BUT sweeter than sweet in other more important ways. Be good for The kids who may be the best reason you two share. Enjoy your fruit in a fruitful place! …..BTW: Thanks! Ms. Selena, for that “tab A into slot B” which is a loin-trembler indeed!
….
Comment from Kerri
Time July 22, 2008 at 8:14 am
While carrying my husbands 3rd child, he got very interested on facebook , then he started shutting down his computer every night ,stuff like that. When I asked him about why he seemed to be being sneaky, I got, grow up and realize what is right in front of you. 4 days after I had the baby, I was trying to move pictures from my computer to his computer threw shared files, I opened a folder, and low and behold there were pictures of some woman that could have been in Hustler magazine, right next to them were naked pics of my husband. When I went off on him, he had a million reasons and excuses, His main reason, I asked for her’s, she sent twice, and told me I owed her, so I sent them, no more then free porn. I however felt very betrayed and hurt, angry, and like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. The dates just made it so much worse, she sent her’s the same night I had the baby, and he sent his 3 days after I gave birth, the worse part for me, was that he had actually asked for them from her, the day before I gave birth, after going with me to an amnio that hurt like crazy, holding my hand, rubbing my head and coming home and right to asking her for some fun pics of herself. It is very hurtfull and Very hard to get over. I say toss him, unless you can get rid of the internet, its always going to pose a problem.
Comment from deanna
Time September 5, 2008 at 3:53 am
It is a very amazing thing what we are willing and not willing to accept. It took me a long hard look into my husband’s issues with “the truth” and his huge insecurities to find that some men have character and integrity and some just don’t. The ones that don’t are tremendous at hiding their true selves and also wonderful at smokescreens. I had enough and I actually became the other woman after catching him emotionally cheating with two others. (not sure if he had done it before this, but I’m pretty sure he has after all I have learned)……it was not too hard since he so desperately wants another woman’s acceptance and approval and yes, the fantasy!! This is a very long tale, but what I’m here to say, is I was in complete denial even after knowing for many many years that he tends to lie about even the smallest of things. Very frustrating cause my trust and respect for him was at its limit when I finally got proof and became quite friendly with the young woman he was having this newly blossoming affair with last year. She had no clue he was married and I had no way of knowing what “the heck” so we talked and what I learned was a shocker. He was so perverted with her and he is so not that way at least I thought. Then he did it again shortly afterward and yes, he is not so bright and I busted him again!!! This time the woman did not want to do “girl talk” with me and asked to be left alone. Okay, this is about what is up with the men, the ladies that become other women are usually blind-sighted by the man saying how he is “seperated” or so unhappy and it is really not the chicks fault in my opinion. I have tried forgiveness, counseling, being extra attentive and loving (thinking I must be taking this man for granted or sumpin) {btw, we have lots of sex, so that ain’t it either} nothing has helped this man stop thinking of his girlfriend///ME and as of this last month, he has admitted to being in love with her. Long story short, I’m chillin’, waiting to refinance the mortgage, get out of debt he has caused (he had two personal bankruptcies in the last ten years)…yep I had the sick pup that needed fixing and it did not work…..getting some schooling in so I can carry on life without him. I will never ever ever tell him what I did. I know it was wrong and it was the worse type of entrapment, but if you knew him, you would know it had to be done. I controlled this situation myself because it would of been some unfortunate young girl that he manipulated. Alright so I am making excuses. Quick look at the end of tale, his girl wants to take a break (she feels she can no longer be a homewrecker…haha and she wants him to figure out what he wants to do with his marriage before she will see him face to face which obviously is not possible but he keeps bugging her for a meeting and maybe a little fondling). It may turn out that he leaves me. That is what he tells his chick –that he has looked into the legal and financial hubub that this entails. They have “their songs” that he picked out that reminded him of their connection…….yep, same two songs he told me were our songs way back when we first started out. Kicked me straight in the molars. But at least I know and what a way to gain insight. For the longest time, I was taking what he told this girl and using it to help me work harder on our relationship as sick as that sounds. I look at the glass half full and I wanted to help this man get thru the nasty midlife crisis I felt he was having. But it got too ugly lately and was hurting me and also pulling me into this dark fantasy world of his, so I had to get out and shower off. I know it was not what I would want to happen to myself, but the test started out as just -A Test- but he failed so miserably and lied so much all the while being sooo soooo normal and loving with me. Scary. My point is be kind to yourself, listen clearly to your own instincts, save yourself alot of time energy and pain and get out the denial and step into empowering the great person in you that deserves to have an honest life. Lies are like a terminal illness if left unaccounted for. It will take me loads of therapy but I know where I’m headed and my research has earned me my life back. I don’t suggest this tactic to anyone at all. Ever.
Comment from Selena
Time May 21, 2008 at 7:26 am
There’s just wrong written all over this. You’ve been together 6 yrs., having your 3 rd. child and are still in the finacee status? Why haven’t you bothered to get married? I have a problem with people who say they are engaged, but go on indefinetly without setting a wedding date. It says, “Well, we aren’t really serious about getting married, we just like to say we are engaged because it sounds better.” And there are usuallyy good reasons why the couple ISN’T getting married, which is likely the case here.
Your bf is having an affair. It just hasn’t gotten to the “inserting tab A into slot B” point–YET. If he isn’t willing to end this affair with his “old friend”, thinks nothing wrong of what he is doing what does that tell you? He is keeping you around, but behaving like a single man. Which in a sleazy way makes sense as to why he wouldn’t marry a woman he keeps impregnating. He doesn’t want to feel “trapped”. What a guy.
Jeff is right, you need to make it clear in no uncertain terms that this behavior of his is flat out unacceptable. I also think you need to be prepared to take your children and walk if he refuses to be a good, and monogamous, partner to you. If you let him get away with this crap, it’s only a matter of time before he’s cheating on you physically–because he can. Who wants to live like that?
I suspect you’ve had problems with this guy in the last 6 yrs., hence the snooping. It’s high time you figure out why you are with him and what kind of future you want for yourself and children. You may find you are better off in a future without him in it. Good luck.