Any Way to Tell if He’ll be Tempted When He’s Away at School?
A reader calling herself “Uncertain” is wondering if there’s any way to tell if her man is going to stray when he’s off at college — a notorious party school, from the sounds of it. Let’s see if her man is setting off any bells and or whistles, flags or neon signs that say, “This man might hump another! Beware!” Important to note here that most men refuse to wear such a sign, even when it is appropriate to do so.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: You know how sometimes I’ll put the whole text of the manslation request at the bottom because it’s a little too long, and can be easily summarized. Well, this request can be summarized, but it’s just too adorable and hilarious not to keep it up here at the grown-ups table.)
Dear Jeff,
Reading through the advices you gave for different manslations has allowed me to gem a lot of valuable knowledge on men. I always look forward to a manslation.
Me too, Unc, I always look forward to writing them too.
Today, I have a question where I need your advice on. I am a newbie at relationships and dating. Now, I’m in my very first relationship. My boyfriend is 22 years old, and this is also his first relationship.
Ok, always a tough time to get a great read on someone when they’re the first person you’re trying to read, and you’re the first person ever to try to read THEM. So let’s see if we can’t help you out. (And at the end, I’m sure the manslatees will chime in with their experience as well!)
To make it easier, here’s the question, ” Is there any way to figure out if my boyfriend might give in to temptation when he stays in the university hall? Especially when it is notorious for night-time activities.”
Well…that certainly makes the question easier. The answer? Let’s see what we know first.
Here’s the background information (hope its not info. overload!):
From the 7 months plus of knowing him, I find him to have a rather active sex drive. This is because he DIY daily, and recently, I have accidentally discovered his stash of porn on his laptop, and later, on his handphone too.
Ok, I just laughed until I teared up a little. “DIY daily“? I friggin’ love that. As an avid do-it-myselfer since early adolescence, I salute his embracing of all forms of technology.
For the handphone, I found out because I asked him why he was so paranoid whenever I’m near his phone sometimes. He was rather shy about admiting it, and my reaction was just an, “ok”. Out of curiosity, I asked him why he would want to store them there, and his response was, ” I find it disturbing talking with you about this topic.”
Ok, the formality of his response just made me cry laughing again. And I’ll bet he does find it disturbing. Look, all guys are expert handymen in this area, and at his age — especially in his first relationship — it could easily be a bit unnerving to be asked about it. He might not yet know how normal and common it is.
Between us, our intimacy level stopped at just kissing, though he was tempted each time to touch around.
Again, “touch around” just crushed me. Oh man, laughing, laughing. And yes, most guys get pretty tempted to touch around, even when the boundaries have been set. It’s not even necessarily that it’s pressure (though that can happen with some guys of course) but sometimes it’s more as if he’s saying, “Oh, the answer’s still no on that, huh? Ok, cool, cool. No problem. I just wanted to make sure you know that I was still interested in touching around. Sooooo….how about now? No? Ok, no sweat, fine, cool. Now?” Don’t worry — he’ll get tired of asking in about, oh, never.
He did tell me quite a few times that he values loyalty very much, and that I did made him promise me to break up with me first if he wants to fool around. So now, knowing that he wants to apply for hostel to stay for a hostel experience, and given the above information of what I know of him, I do not know if he might give in to temptation easily.
Why is this important to me? Because he is a good guy, and I’m afraid that after this hostel stint, he might turn into a different person (for worse), and personally, I have a huge fear of being cheated on due to seeing examples of people around me cheating/getting cheated on.
I know it is rather silly and all, but your advice will help greatly to hush the many questions in my mind, and gain a better insight!
Thank you!!!!! =D
Cheers,
Uncertain
Dear Uncertain,
Well, it’s not so easy to tell given the information here. He’s not giving any overt signs that he will be disloyal, as such. Now, that said, he IS giving overt signs of being your average, garden-variety horny young man. And as I’ve mentioned on here before, such creatures are…well…uh…pretty randy.
So it’s vital for you to understand that even though he definitely WILL, in fact, be thinking about having sex pretty much all day long — with every woman that has ever entered his consciousness for more than a nanosecond — that isn’t necessarily related in ANY WAY to whether or not he’s going to do anything about it. The two are in fact in NO way related. One happens inside of his brain, and the other one happens outside. The inside part is fairly involuntary (and at his age, even more so, wow.) It’s what he DOES that matters.
From what you’ve said, you haven’t described any red flags. Sounds like he hasn’t been really pressuring you too hard, or making you feel lousy for not going further than kissing. You haven’t caught him making contact with other women. He’s secretive, but only about this stuff which is, for a lot of men, a little embarrassing. Adult-themed media, ahem, isn’t in and of itself any cause for concern.
Basically, we don’t know, but we don’t have any reason for major concern. So, given that…
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Look, I can’t tell what his college experience is going to be like. The real question that seems to be looming here is, what can be done about this, given that we don’t know what he’ll do?
I think you did it. You let him know, in no uncertain terms, that cheating was not going to be ok with you, that he needs to break up with you if he’s going to do that. Beyond that, it’s up to him. It all depends on whether or not that promise is more or less important to him than the promise of nooky that doesn’t require any do-it-himselfing. If he truly “values loyalty” as you say, that answers that question.
Good luck, Uncertain. I wish I could make you more certain, but this isn’t quite so clearcut. All I can say is that you haven’t given me any reason to directly suspect anything negative about him.
What do you think, folks? Is Uncertain’s man getting ready to step out on her? Sex drive too active to stay faithful? What’s the deal?
Posted: May 22nd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time May 22, 2008 at 9:51 am
Hi,
I’d say that a man’s sexual desire is not the same as a man’s capacity for loyalty, right?
I mean, if he has a strong sexual desire, that means that maybe that will be a strong drive to resist. But if he is someone who values loyalty, he might as well resist it, no?
In principle, I see no way to answer this question. He might or not end up cheating, but I’m not sure that depends on his sexual drive, but on his personality, values and strength of will.
Best,
Mar
Comment from mar
Time May 22, 2008 at 9:58 am
I’d like to add (to the above) that I actually regard watching porno as cheating. I do know there is a difference between the things that happen to men in their heads and the things they do, but watching porno is not something that happen to men: it’s something they do.
I don’t know how she feels Uncertain about this, if she is only concerned about him having sex with other women, I think there is no way to answer that question. But I don’t understand why she is not concerned about him watching porno.
Anyway, that’s just me.
Mar
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 22, 2008 at 10:00 am
I would add that it also depends on the strength of their relationship.
They have only known each other 7 months. They are both young. They are both very inexperienced.
She really has no way of knowing if this really is the right relationship for her anyway.
Maybe the boy is the one who should be worrying. Maybe she is the one who is going to meet someone exciting first. Really, this relationship is way too unripe to be drawing any conclusions.
What I’m really trying to say is she maybe shouldn’t worry so much about this. It’s a learning time for both of them. It’s not a do or die situation at all. She has a way lot of life ahead of her. He may or may not be part of her future. Don’t sweat it. Enjoy him in the here and now, be the best person you can be….and let time tell the rest of the story.
Comment from debra
Time May 22, 2008 at 11:31 am
‘Uncertain’ doesn’t mention if there is a particular drive for either of them to resist being more physical. I think in order to trust in his ability to resist temptation, it is necessary to understand if he has made the same conscious decision that she seems to have made for herself to not be more physical. Has he decided he is not going to be physical until marriage for religious reasons? Just not until a relationship is more mature? Or has he simply not had the opportunity to take a relationship to that level, but would jump at the chance given the option? I think knowing what his commitment to not giving in to the temptation of doing more than kissing is the only thing that could give you a clue as to how likely it is he’ll stay true to you. If he does stray….his commitment to refraining from sex is not as strong as yours, in which case, he is not strong enough to deserve your trust and faith in him. But, perhaps, if he shares your commitment to abstaining, you can support each other in that decision. Good luck to you both!
Comment from tee
Time May 22, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Having been through a “boyfriend away at college” period of my life. I look back and think wow, we were so young. Perhaps you can offer to him the butterfly option. Set him (actually each other) free for the time he is away. Be yourselves, and live joyfully. At the end of the school year reevaluate or not…
“If you love something, Set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours, If it doesn’t, it never was yours….”
Not sure who wrote this but is is very true…
Best of luck to you!
T
Comment from Selena
Time May 22, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Wouldn’t this also factor in to how “close” their relationship is? That is, have they committed to each other? Planned to marry in the future?
The ambiguousness of having a r’ship in which one person moves out of town with only the admonition, “Please promise to break up with me first if you fool around” would leave me feeling very uncertain too.
Comment from Aurora
Time May 22, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I thought it was…
If you love something set it free. It it comes back it was yours. If it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it.
( I really need to stop reading bumper stickers)
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 22, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Dears: I miss sensing a balanced loyalty between UNC and her GuyDIY–as in, no reciprocal DIY word to her that SHE let him know if SHE wants to fool [!who's fooling whom] around. Loyalty is a Good Thing; integrity embodies other facets.
FIRST, our LovingLoyal Birds need to have a deeply broad conversation about sex lives in general and in their specific, because he’s hot to trot it and she’s hot for him. Perhaps, they sing from mismatched hymnals. SECONDLY, their ‘let me know if you want to fool around’ arrangement carries a short shelf-life in real life–as in, both Birds might find it impossible to alert the other B4 ripping off clothes. THUS, we return to the beauty & integrity of their heart2heart conversation about their bodies2bodies. No need to shoo away; it’s the Hound here
[!22 & he's nippin@edges]. Quiet that Hound by addressing Hound issues! Curiosity kills the cat; information brings her back. 2U2 Birds: Prayers for Sweet Pawing & Purring!
Comment from Bloomsbury Bell
Time May 22, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Responding to Uncertain’s fear that the hostel experience will change him: At 22 (and I’m thinking Uncertain is younger) with him in college, I’d say it’s pretty much a given that both of them are going to change a good deal in the next year or two, regardless of where he lives. That’s what happens in your twenties: you figure out who you are and (if you’re lucky) who you want to be. No way to plan or predict what will happen with their relationship.
If I read correctly, maybe he is already in college, and the college is in or near the town where she lives?? He’s just decided that instead of living at home, or an apartment, he wants to get the “true college experience” by living in a hostel/dorm environment. In that case, she’ll have plenty of opportunity to gauge how things are going and will just have to be careful not tot read too much or too little into what is going on when they are together, or when he is unavailable.
Comment from hunter
Time May 25, 2008 at 12:41 pm
To aurora,
LOL!….that was funny!….
Comment from Selena
Time May 22, 2008 at 7:16 am
I had to laugh too about him carrying around porn on his ‘hand’ phone. Never know when the need for stimulus will strike! Best be prepared and never leave home without it. I would find it disturbing talking to him about this topic–I pray he is very careful DYI with his phone in semi-public places–could be a problem.
I don’t think we can answer with any certainty at all that he wouldn’t become sexually involved with someone else now that he is away at college. Long distance r’ships are hard to maintain anyway, and this one didn’t have a sexual foundation before he left to be faithful to. I suppose it will really depend on how willing he is to “wait” for Uncertain.
I wish I had some advice, but the only thing I can think of is for the two of you to see each other as often as you can, and for you to hope for the best Uncertain, and to put other people and activities in your own life as well while he is gone.