The Case of the Busy, Busy Man
A reader named Sarah wrote in because she’s having issues with her man (hm…strange…I seem to get a lot of that sort of question around here…curious, eh?) This guy says he loves her, talks about the future, etc…but he’s so freaking busy, they can’t seem to find time to get together. What gives? Let’s see if we can help out.
Dear Jeff,
First off — I love all the manslating you’ve got going on! After I found your site, I couldn’t help coming back day after day to find out what you boys are thinking all of the time (or not).
Yeah, I think the #1 way that women could be happier about knowing what men are thinking would be to open their minds to the possibility that we’re just…not. I’m not saying men don’t think. I think so much, I could power a city, if only I had an outlet in my skull. Just not about what YOU guys think about. (Unless you’re thinking about stereo equipment…which…hm…probably not.)
I’ve got a situation that I’m hoping you can manslate for me. I’m 42 years old and divorced with children. I met a guy who is also in his forties, divorced with adult-ish children. We hit it off right from the beginning and have been “involved” for 3 months. He tells me he loves me, he sees a future with me, (talks about moving in together), he calls almost every day…you’d think I’d be on top of the world, right?
Other than the fact that you’ve written to a website called “manslations” I would think that, yes. A fly in the ointment, I’m guessing? A monkey in the wrench? A pain in the–
Well, here’s the obstacle…between work, his kids, and other things that seem to crop up, he and I can’t seem to get together on any sort of regular basis. We’ve gone out on a few lunch dates, we’ve gotten together a couple of times and not left the house (if you know what I mean)
Oh, I think I might have cracked your little code, yes.
…and that’s it. We’ve had countless “potential dates” where we schedule a get-together, but for one reason or another he has to cancel.
I’d be interested to know what these “one reason or anothers” are. Maybe Sarah will write about this in the comments and fill us in.
I don’t think he’s intentionally trying to hurt me, but how are we supposed to get this relationship going if we don’t see each other on a regular basis? When I’ve brought this up, he apologizes and promises to make time for me. My friends think he’s just an inconsiderate @$$, always making excuses (most of which they think are too ridiculous to be believed), never taking me out, never spending the night, etc. They think he’s up to something and that I should’ve cut him loose long ago. But Jeff, we really love each other and I want to give this relationship a chance. My friends think I’m crazy…am I?
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Seems like this answer is cropping up quite a bit lately — it’s time for…The Talk.
I can’t really say one way or the other why he is so cagey. It doesn’t bode well that you’ve only been able to get together a small handful of times in 3 months, and he’s canceled on you a whole bunch of times. But even with that, there’s no reason to assume that he simply MUST be up to something nefarious. Nor must there be malfeasance. Or malodorousness. There are any number of large words about which there’s no reason to assume anything.
WE DO WHAT WE WANT TO DO
The fact is that people are busy sometimes, right? But here’s the thing. We’re all busy. (Well, most of us. My lady fair seems to have a bit of free time on her hands since becoming a flight attendant. Plus she has full flight benefits and a hot-t-t uniform! Cha-ching!) The point is that we all have stuff we could be doing instead of whatever it is that we ARE doing. We all make those decisions either consciously or unconsciously. But one way or the other, whatever we deem to be most important is the thing that gets done.
And don’t let anybody kid you about this. Especially not yourself. It’s always, always true. If someone is routinely choosing X over Y, it’s because they feel that X is more important. Now, they might like — even LOVE — Y, but for some reason they have decided that to live without it is less painful than to live without X. (Personally, I prefer to keep both X and Y handy, since they are 2 of the letters they use a lot in sci-fi. I need that.)
SO WHAT’S TO TALK ABOUT?
Well, one of the reasons that he might choose something else (or from what it sounds like, a LOT of something elses) over you is that he likes those other things better. Sure. But it could also be that he is choosing to ditch you first simply because there are more dire consequences to bailing on whatever else he’s got going.
I don’t know which it is, but I think you need to. And I think you need the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth — and NOT the apologies and the promises. That stuff is…well, duh. I mean, any guy in trouble is going to just start spouting off all kinds of stuff about how much better he’s going to be. That gets you nowhere.
THE TALK
I’d recommend that the next time you two actually DO get together, you sit him down and say something along the lines of, “Listen, I understand how busy you are, but I’m having a hard time seeing how we’re going to have a relationship if we can’t see each other on some kind of a regular basis. And I definitely want to do that, but I need to understand what’s going on with you a little better. I’m not looking for an apology or a promise to do better. I just need to understand where you and I are. If you are too busy for a relationship, I’d rather know now than keep hoping this is going to change.”
Now, you can safely assume that he’s going to start in with the apologizing thing. He needs to know. You’re not scolding him — who are you, his mom? No. You’re letting him know where you’re at, and you want to know where he’s at — WHEREVER THAT IS.
Good luck, Sarah. The key here is to let him know what it’s like on your end, and to give him a chance to explain what is REALLY going on with him. And then, let it be what it is. If he won’t talk to you then, well, that’s an answer isn’t it?
What’s your take, ladies? What’s this guy’s issue? And can he and Sarah move through it?
Posted: May 23rd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from AnneZ
Time May 23, 2008 at 9:21 am
I, too, am suspicious about all the great “love” after a scant three months that were filled with…..a few lunches and bit of what you don’t tell yo mama.
Now frost this cake with her friends’ skepticism of his “too ridiculous to be believed” excuses.
Oh, let’s sprinkle some tasty flakes of “won’t take her out” and “won’t spend the night” around the edges.
His kids are adult. What does he need to run home for?
Sarah, the cold truth is that his protestations of love sound painfully like greasing the skids to get what he really wants. There’s a Septemberish (?) manslation on this to a 16 year old girl. It’s really good, try to find it.
In my experience, men who actually do think they love you light up when they are around you and can’t wait to be around you next. They don’t usually say “I love you” over lunch. In fact, they have a hard time saying it until they just can’t stop themselves because, guess what, they are not practiced at it.
Take a very good look at what Jeff wrote. Showing up is a protestation of love and desire. Not showing up is a protestation of something else. Words are just clouds of gnats, signfiying nothing.
Sure, give him a chance to explain himself. He may be a secret agent. He may be in the Witness protection program. He may have the recipe for cold fusion. Against a backdrop of seemingly unjustifiable and too early with the “L” word, I am not optimistic.
Good luck. Relationships are so very hard. A broken heart is a terrible thing to face. Sorry.
Comment from Cindy
Time May 23, 2008 at 10:18 am
So here’s the deal…A man does EXACTLY as much as he wants to do. Sounds to me like the ugly truth of it is that he sees you when he needs to get his rocks off, and tells you what he thinks you need to hear to allow him “enterance into the magic kingdom”, and darling, sounds like you’re believing every word of it. So here’s what you do (and Jeff, I know you’ll agree with this because you say it all the time…hey, why wasn’t it in this mansalation?) EVERYTHING OUT OF A MAN’S MOUTH IS B.S. BELIEVE WHAT HE DOES, NOT WHAT HE SAYS….And when you take away all the pretty words, the I love you’s, the we should move in togethers, what have you got Sarah? You’ve got a man who can’t figure out how to make time for you. Yikes. NEXT…..
Comment from mar
Time May 23, 2008 at 10:25 am
Hi all
I share the same concerns as Selena and AnneZ.
But I’d like to say this: if he is in love, then the relationship should move ___in some direction____ Relationships do evolve. People move together or they are married or they introduce their partner to their families and friends… Some evolution happens. This relationship so far shows little evolution.
If Sarah is happy with this relationship then it’s a good time to sit down and have a talk and discuss how the relationship might evolve.
I’m not saying they should be talking about marrying – that’s not the point. The point is that they should be seeing each other more, and that would be an evolution in itself.
If having the talk with him results in no change, then that in itself is a reason to think this relationship is not evolving and will not evolve.
So I encourage Sarah to talk to him about this and make it clear that she expects change. And if he can’t do it, then it’s up to Sarah to decide what to do about it.
Myself, I believe it’s very important for every individual to know what they want in life, and in particular, what they want from a love relationship. I know from life experience that people want different things from love relationships. So I think this is an important issue to discuss with someone you are involved with. If the two persons want too different things, they might as well consider breaking up and starting looking again.
Go ahead, Sarah, talk to him!
Best,
Mar
Comment from Liz C
Time May 23, 2008 at 10:59 am
I agree that this guy is choosing to do exactly what he wants to do, even if he doesn’t realize it himself. That’s gonna sting a little, but it is what it is.
But I’m also concerned about her friends’ assessment that a lot of his excuses are too ridiculous to believe.
Friends, especially multiple friends whose opinion you value, might be seeing something you’re not.
Try to think impartially about what your friends are seeing and saying. It’s really easy to not see what you don’t want to see. And anyway, it’s almost impossible to see things clearly when you’re in the intoxicating early part of a relationship.
(Can’t help it, but I keep thinking that some of his actions sound like the behavior of someone with more than one ‘thing’ going… hope I’m way off base on that one.)
Comment from TJo
Time May 23, 2008 at 11:03 am
People make time for the things they WANT to make time for! Yes my own version of Jeff’s MANSLATION but it’s true. If he’s not making time for you then you know where his priorities are. I’d be dating others if I were you & put him on the back burner until he acts like he should, and then, make him wait, don’t be available, make him “schedule” a date with you, and no overnighters either. Yes it will be hard but always remember this, YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU! You going along with this behavior tells him that you are ok with this, and unless you are, don’t put up with it. Best of Luck!
Comment from Selena
Time May 23, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Liz C.–”(Can’t help it, but I keep thinking that some of his actions sound like the behavior of someone with more than one ‘thing’ going… hope I’m way off base on that one.)
Frankly, when I read he has only taken her to lunch a few times, to his house a couple times for…, wouldn’t take her out, and wouldn’t spend the night my thought was…MARRIED. Really hope that’s not the case, but it does seem rather stereotypic of that kind of situation.
Comment from Ingrid
Time May 23, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Sorry to say this but I tend to agree with Selena. It’s gotten married written all over it. I hope I’m wrong, but hey it’s happened to me in pretty much the same exact way.
Jeff is right as always – you need to have a talk and find out the reason he doesn’t seem to have time to pursue a real relationship which involves being seen in public together.
Hope it all works out but that’s my take on it.
Comment from Karen
Time May 23, 2008 at 5:59 pm
It is quite possible that this guy is just insanely busy. On my end I have been seeing someone whom I am very interested in, I make as much time as I possibly can for him, and he does the same as me, since he’s gone weekly working here and there around the country. BUT….. It doesn’t always happen and there have been many of broken dates, but it does not change what I think about him or him, me….
I don’t think that there has to be something wrong, but like in my situation, we have discussed sitting down and figuring out where we are and where we are going.
I understand your situation from a different perspective, I guess
Comment from mmagnolia
Time May 23, 2008 at 11:18 pm
YES 2all, BUT: Priorities of relating–whether romantic or not–melt down to a-yes or a-no. A-maybe is not an option, OR a maybe is an effective ‘no’. Truisms hold truth: (1) None of us can serve well two masters [or !mistresses]; (2) Where there’s a will, there’s a way; and (3) Sometimes, we choose by NOT choosing so let’s not deny validity of such a choice because it’s passive; it’s no less one’s own! On the other hand: Let hope spring eternal and let JM’s “Talk” proceed with our Blessings, so that rainbows will mark their path–if not Her end!
Comment from Terry
Time May 24, 2008 at 1:55 am
Sarah-
“My friends think he’s just an inconsiderate @$$.”
Your friends may be onto something, but I like what Jeff suggested about The Talk, especially this part:
“I’m not looking for an apology or a promise to do better. I just need to understand where you and I are. If you are too busy for a relationship, I’d rather know now than keep hoping this is going to change.“
Then close your mouth and listen carefully for his answer. Watch his eyes.
Then see what he does next. As a bunch of the others have already said, if he’s truly into you, he’s going to make sure you know it.
My gut feeling tells me you can do a lot better than this guy.
Hey, Jeff, when is that book of yours coming out?
Comment from Selena
Time May 23, 2008 at 7:01 am
I guess I’m perplexed that they could “love” each other so much when in the only 3 mos. they’ve been dating, they haven’t spent much time together- a few lunches and couple times of…um..not leaving the house? How does that make for a serious relationship? Could that be a bit of wishful thinking?
I think if he was head over heels for her he’d be MAKING the time to be with her. Since that is not happening, I think she might be believing he is feeling more than he actually does. Given all the excuses, I’d wonder if he was dating others as well as Sarah. Sarah, can you be sure he isn’t?