“My friends think he’s just an inconsiderate @$$.”

Your friends may be onto something, but I like what Jeff suggested about The Talk, especially this part:

“I’m not looking for an apology or a promise to do better. I just need to understand where you and I are. If you are too busy for a relationship, I’d rather know now than keep hoping this is going to change.“

Then close your mouth and listen carefully for his answer. Watch his eyes.

Then see what he does next. As a bunch of the others have already said, if he’s truly into you, he’s going to make sure you know it.

My gut feeling tells me you can do a lot better than this guy.

Hey, Jeff, when is that book of yours coming out?

I don’t think that there has to be something wrong, but like in my situation, we have discussed sitting down and figuring out where we are and where we are going.

I understand your situation from a different perspective, I guess

Jeff is right as always – you need to have a talk and find out the reason he doesn’t seem to have time to pursue a real relationship which involves being seen in public together.

Hope it all works out but that’s my take on it.

Frankly, when I read he has only taken her to lunch a few times, to his house a couple times for…, wouldn’t take her out, and wouldn’t spend the night my thought was…MARRIED. Really hope that’s not the case, but it does seem rather stereotypic of that kind of situation.

But I’m also concerned about her friends’ assessment that a lot of his excuses are too ridiculous to believe.

Friends, especially multiple friends whose opinion you value, might be seeing something you’re not.

Try to think impartially about what your friends are seeing and saying. It’s really easy to not see what you don’t want to see. And anyway, it’s almost impossible to see things clearly when you’re in the intoxicating early part of a relationship.

(Can’t help it, but I keep thinking that some of his actions sound like the behavior of someone with more than one ‘thing’ going… hope I’m way off base on that one.)

I share the same concerns as Selena and AnneZ.

But I’d like to say this: if he is in love, then the relationship should move ___in some direction____ Relationships do evolve. People move together or they are married or they introduce their partner to their families and friends… Some evolution happens. This relationship so far shows little evolution.

If Sarah is happy with this relationship then it’s a good time to sit down and have a talk and discuss how the relationship might evolve.

I’m not saying they should be talking about marrying – that’s not the point. The point is that they should be seeing each other more, and that would be an evolution in itself.

If having the talk with him results in no change, then that in itself is a reason to think this relationship is not evolving and will not evolve.

So I encourage Sarah to talk to him about this and make it clear that she expects change. And if he can’t do it, then it’s up to Sarah to decide what to do about it.

Myself, I believe it’s very important for every individual to know what they want in life, and in particular, what they want from a love relationship. I know from life experience that people want different things from love relationships. So I think this is an important issue to discuss with someone you are involved with. If the two persons want too different things, they might as well consider breaking up and starting looking again.

Go ahead, Sarah, talk to him!

Best,

Mar

Now frost this cake with her friends’ skepticism of his “too ridiculous to be believed” excuses.

Oh, let’s sprinkle some tasty flakes of “won’t take her out” and “won’t spend the night” around the edges.

His kids are adult. What does he need to run home for?

Sarah, the cold truth is that his protestations of love sound painfully like greasing the skids to get what he really wants. There’s a Septemberish (?) manslation on this to a 16 year old girl. It’s really good, try to find it.

In my experience, men who actually do think they love you light up when they are around you and can’t wait to be around you next. They don’t usually say “I love you” over lunch. In fact, they have a hard time saying it until they just can’t stop themselves because, guess what, they are not practiced at it.

Take a very good look at what Jeff wrote. Showing up is a protestation of love and desire. Not showing up is a protestation of something else. Words are just clouds of gnats, signfiying nothing.

Sure, give him a chance to explain himself. He may be a secret agent. He may be in the Witness protection program. He may have the recipe for cold fusion. Against a backdrop of seemingly unjustifiable and too early with the “L” word, I am not optimistic.

Good luck. Relationships are so very hard. A broken heart is a terrible thing to face. Sorry.