manslations

Last week we talked a little about how to date a man recently out of a relationship. Well, we’ve got one such man who seems to be a wee bit gunshy about the whole “outward shows of commitment” thing. Let’s see if we can help get Ashley around the defenses here — or if there’s a reason to bother.

Hi Jeff,
I’ve been lurking about your website for a long time and find it both hilarious and educational. I would love to have your always insightful thoughts on my situation. I apologize in advance if this gets too long, but do promise that it will be nicely organized.

Well, I am a sucker for nice organization, so let’s get you out of lurkitude and go for it.

Me: Divorced 15 years ago after 10 years of marriage. Spent the last 15 years raising kids and doing very little dating. (This is why Manslations are so great – I’m a dating newby.) He is my first real relationship since my divorce, which followed a horrible marriage.

Interesting how so many divorces DO seem to follow horrible marriages. Hm. Weird, right? Someone should do a study or something.

Him: Recently divorced after 25 years of marriage. He says the last few years with the now ex-wife were the two of them living in the same house but not sharing their lives in any way, other than verbally sniping at each other. There was lots of drama that went on for months after he told her he wanted the divorce, but before he left the house.

Uh….yeah. I will just BET there was some drama during that oh-so-comfy stage while living with his future ex missus.

His role in the drama was the person taking the daily whipping for the fact that he was leaving the marriage, so his confidence level today is slightly less than none. I’m the first person he’s dated after the divorce. We met a few months after it was final. Yes, I know – I’m the “rebound girl”.

Well, maybe yes, maybe no on the “rebound girl” thing. Rebound is usually someone you cling to unnaturally to stave off being alone too soon. Let’s see if he fits the ol’ descrip.

Us: Spending nearly all of our non-work hours together every day for the past four months. We eat dinner together, go out on dates, work on projects together, buy groceries together, sleep over at his place or mine, have met each other’s families and friends, etc. In the morning, we return to our separate homes and get ready for work.

Wowie. That is a LOT of time spent together. Sounds great. Oh — I just read ahead one sentence…

The problems: He wants no evidence of the other’s existence at either place even though we’re only alone at our respective places for maybe 30 minutes of the day. He will not verbalize any feelings for me beyond “I enjoy spending time with you” or “I respect you.” This is not at all what I’m looking for in a partner. I’ve got friends and co-workers who enjoy spending time with me and respect me! After 15 years of being alone, I’m looking for someone to love and who will love me. He is just divorced and is burnt from the experience. I’m not looking for marriage or even to move in together next month, but want to know there is some potential for this to be more than it is today. We’re at very different places in our lives.

Now the great Manslation: Does he care for me more than his words convey? If so, will he ever be able to verbalize those feelings? Am I just the rebound girl he’s using to rebuild his confidence before moving on? How long does it take a guy to become emotionally invested in a new relationship after spending several years in a bad relationship?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Ok, a couple of great questions here. Let’s take a look:

DOES HE CARE FOR YOU MORE THAN HIS WORDS CONVEY?

Well, he would almost have to, wouldn’t he? His words convey the sentiment I would expect from my realtor. And yet, he spends just about every waking moment with you. Including “doing projects” which for the purposes of this manslation, I will imagine as “building mansions for wild prairie dogs to live in.” (Hey, my website, I get to make the assumptions and make an ass of you and me.)

The point is that for men, actions are always going to tell you more than words, especially when they don’t match up. Seems like his actions say, “I want to spend time with this woman!” However, we get to your next question:

IF SO, WILL HE EVER BE ABLE TO VERBALIZE THOSE FEELINGS?

It’s hard to tell, given that the only thing we know is that he has recently been MAJORLY stung by a divorce. It reminds me of that old, stupid joke where a guy breaks his arm and says, “Doc, will I ever be able to play the violin after the cast comes off?” And the doctor says, “Sure, I don’t see why not.” And the guy says, “Great! I never could before!”

See, we don’t know if he could talk about his feelings before being slammed by the breakup. (More on this in a minute.)

ARE YOU THE REBOUND GIRL?

Well, spending literally every second together for 4 months is a long time for a rebound, but not out of the realm of possibility. I’m not getting that vibe, exactly, but it’s hard to tell just based on that. Because…

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A GUY TO BECOME EMOTIONALLY INVESTED AFTER….

After a big breakup, it takes…4 months. No wait, 2 years. Hold on, it was…ten seconds. No, no, it’s the amount of time you were together, minus any time you spent in the bathroom during the relationship, divided by the number of poptarts you eat per day.

The answer to this one is, of course, there is absolutely no way to generalize it.

VERDICT: CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC…

His muted words aren’t in and of themselves cause for alarm. The wanting to leave no trace CAN happen when a guy is seeing other people, but obviously that’s not possible here. When would he do it?

Another answer is that some men view leaving stuff at each other’s places as “escalation.” And if your most recent memory of what happens after “escalation” is a horrific divorce…yeah, you might be a little gunshy.

Here’s the real question: Would he want to learn to do what you need him to do? And no, I don’t mean through ESP. He might not realize that his words aren’t exactly ringing your bells. In fact, I’m sure he doesn’t realize that. And you should have ZERO hope that he suddenly will start realizing it.

No, no. Don’t keep reading yet. Zero hope of that. None. You’re going to have to let him know what you need. In actual words.

HOWEVER, here are a couple of tips:

• KEEP IT LIGHT: This guy appears to be very, very skittish when it comes to the escalation of a relationship. I’d humbly suggest you don’t start this conversation when you’re upset.
• TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT: Not about what he’s not doing but should be. Know what I mean? It’s a LOT easier to respond well to a request than a scolding. Or a meltdown. Especially when he’s already so on edge about relationship stuff.
• MAYBE IT’S JUST YOU: Hey look, not everybody has to talk the way you want him to talk, right? Acknowledge that you and he might need different things in this regard, and you’re just letting him know what YOU need, and would love to hear what HE needs too.
• BE CLEAR: Yes, all of this must be conveyed in words. Not in secret hoping that he’ll change.

Good luck, Ashley. It’s hard to tell if this guy can become the lover you’re looking for. But if you can address what you’re looking for without setting off his, “Holy crap, we’re heading to crazy-relationship-town” alarms, at least you can find out what HE thinks about the whole thing.

What do you say, ladies? Is this guy ready or not?