manslations

reader named HunnyB has a nice, simple, and in no way embittered by the harsh world of dating question: Why is it that men have no friggin’ idea what the hell they want in relationships? Well…let’s get some more specifics before we hand down the old verdict, shall we?

HunnyB writes:

Hi Jeff,

Love, love, love your site!! I have a relationship question.

Im a pretty successful 32 yr old, single young lady. Im not actively “playing the field” but if something interesting comes my way, I’ll investigate it further. Dating right now, is no fun. I could take it or leave it. Men bore me ridiculously. Most dont have any real interest, outside of work, cars, sport, and women…most cant hold a decent conversation about anything else.

Oh, come now, HunnyB. I’m sure there are some men who can also talk about high-end electronics equipment.

Then if by chance you (as a woman) find one worth developing something with, seem like he’s still…. LOST. Clueless on what he wants and from whom. More ready to devote endless time and energy to work and school, but not into a relationship. Then in the end, seem clueless as to why things fell apart.

So then…sounds like he’s not lost. Right? He’s just not interested in devoting endless time and energy to a relationship.

So I ask,

Why do men seem completely clueless about relationships?

I’m guessing that the answer could be in the form of another question: What do you think these men should be thinking about relationships that they’re not? And why? But let’s hear more…

They either take so damn long to figure out IF a woman is the right one?

We’re the ones who have the babies and raise the kids, we know pretty early on if we’re wiling to sacrifice our bodies to give these fools some damn kids or not. LOL…

Meanwhile, after umpteen-million kids, paying a mortgage, sharing bills, car…a LIFE. Men are still undecided.

That’s likely not really true. If it’s taking him a long time to figure it out, chances are that it’s already figured, you know? When a guy seems to be waffling over whether or not a woman is the right one or not, it’s usually “not.”

OR

They seem clueless on what they want in the very beginning. Do they want just a physical sexual relationship, do they want something more emotional, something more casual, or more exclusive?

This is also not likely the case. Men usually know exactly what they want in the beginning. They just are reluctant to tell YOU about it, because much of the time they’re pretty sure what they want is going to get them yelled at.

Alot of guys are just as undecided about their direction in life as the women they date, so thats not an excuse. If anything many times having a family helps one to find a path or direction in life. Thats what having kids has done to alot of my female friends.

I’m getting the sense that your general point is that men are unwilling to decide whether or not to have children…I think.

But the guys out here…are too utterly clueless on what they want, where they’re going, who they want to be with …and who they really are…its an EXTREME TURN-OFF! Keep in mind, I can very easily juggle work(work full time and have a business and Im a landlord) and relationship with ease…always have. Dont say its intimidation… I rarely tell guys about all my business ventures. LOL..

Oh, I won’t say it’s intimidation. I don’t really believe in that one at all. I’d say you’re dealing with a fundamental difference in priorities.

But anyway, Most guys act like they can ONLY do either or. Work or Love

Please explain….

Dear HunnyB,

Well, I think you’ve hit up against the Great Barrier Reef of Not Great Relationships. And keep in mind that basically ALL your relationships hit this reef. Like, all but the one you stay in forever. For literally every single other relationship, you are not going to be on the same page with the dude.

And it seems like you’re saying, “How come NONE of these a-holes is ready to make a lifelong decision!? Sheesh!” Well, I hate to put it like this, but…I mean…there is virtually no END to the list of guys that aren’t ready to make that call with you. With you or nearly anyone else.

Now, in this particular case, it sounds to me like what you’re saying is, “Poop or get off the poop area here, guys! If we’re a match, let’s friggin’ get this thing MOVING!” Honestly — and you wrote to me for my honest opinion — I think that sounds a little bit like, “Look, fella, come on. If it’s you, it’s you. If it’s not, it’s somebody else. Whatever it is, let’s just get this show on the ROAD, here people!”

Uh…not very seductive…

CASTING CALL SYNDROME

Feels to me like you have a very strong idea about what you want. And you’re looking to fill the role of “Dude who is in that movie with me.” Guys are very wary of this. It feels like, “Well, she clearly doesn’t want ME. What she wants is some idea that was around before I even got there, and she’s vetting me to see if I make the cut.”

Most guys will not react by saying, “Golly, I hope she picks ME for her plan!” He’s more likely to think, “Erm…I actually had planned to play the role of ME in my life…I’m not sure I want that gig...”

Now, I’m not saying that this is exactly what you are looking for. But it does sound a little like that. And if it sounds like that to me, it sounds like that to them. Guys might not respond well to this. Or so I’ve heard…

AN ANALOGY: SEX

Women have often complained to me when I’ve said that men can want to have sex with a woman they know NOTHING about. A man can pursue a woman sexually even if he actively dislikes her. I’ve often heard some version of this:

“How can he be pushing to have SEX with me!? He doesn’t know anything ABOUT me!”

Well, you might be coming up against the male version:

“How can she be impatient for me to make a lifelong decision about this?! We just started DATING!”

See the similarity? And this isn’t just a man/woman thing. This is a “two skulls trying to talk about something important” thing. Anytime you’ve got two people, you’re going to have different ways of going about things. Different values. Different places to assign importance.

JUST A THOUGHT

What makes more sense here:

1. Every single man in the world is behaving incorrectly.
2. Your expectations of how all men should behave might need some recalibrating.

Just saying. And the point is this — these guys are living the best way they know how. They are, for all intents and purposes, living their dream life. (As sad as that may be…) If they wanted to be different from this, they would be it. If the problem is that you don’t like their chosen direction (even if to YOU it seems “lost”)…well…so what, right? His call.

BOTTOM LINE: CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY

Look, if you feel like a guy is just behaving like a total moron, please, walk up to him and thank him. Shake his hand, kiss him on the cheek and say, “Thank you so much for giving me enough information that I don’t have to waste any more time wondering about you.” Then doff your cap, don your cape, and exeunt. (That last part is optional.)

Good luck, HunnyB. I kind of came down hard on you a little, but the point is that you want to weed out the dudes who aren’t right, in order to find the one that is. The guys who make you want to punch through a brick wall? They just make your weeding process easier, no? Do you really want the wrong guys to behave more like the right one?

What do you think, ladies? Why are men so clueless? Or are they? Or are you? Or am I? Hello?