He’s Afraid Women Want Him for His Money
-->A reader named Chloe has bagged herself a rich boy! However, he’s been burned before by women who just want him for his giant piles of doubloons that he keeps in bathtubs and pirate chests around the house. (For the purposes of this manslation, I will be picturing Scrooge McDuck. My website, my prerogative.) He’s been honest with her that he has this fear, and now Chloe wants to know — how can she show him she’s not just in it to count da money (”de MonAY, de MonAY!!”)
Hi !
I have been dating a man for several months now. We met on a blind date through mutual friends and fell completely in love. It has taken us both by storm as we have both been single for a long time and have both struggled with commitment issues. We spend two nights a week with each other and every weekend. This is impressive as he lives in the city and I am deep in the suburbs. We are very open and honest with each other and communicate pretty well.
This sounds like pretty much the best beginning of a love story ever. Of course, you know, love stories don’t end there. Where shall we find ye olde flye in the ointmente?
A couple of nights ago at dinner, after I had gone shopping with his card for clothes (he gave me a budget of $300….I pouted but then only spent $200 …also it was for my birthday) he brought up how he has been paranoid in all his relationships that women only like him for his money and it is a big insecurity he has and is a reason why at times he can be a little distant. I know he is pretty wealthy but I honestly don’t care. Ive dated men from all economic backgrounds and at my age (33) have learned that it means squat.
The “pouting” at being given a “budget” when using his card — this makes me wonder if it isn’t why the whole subject came up. Hard to tell w/o more information, but we’ll see what else comes up here.
Needless to say it hurt me that he has concerns about this but more importantly I am having a hard time thinking of ways in which to make him feel otherwise. He was not being accusatory…just honest…and it is hard for him to open up sometimes so this obviously is a major issue for him. I never ask for money from him…yes he pays for dinners and cabs and groceries. He also pays for my parking in the city at his bldg which can run us $200 a week sometimes. But he likes to pay since I drive a very far distance to see him. Would maybe paying for some of these things once in a while help? Im just not sure how to handle this one and I dont want his past issues to ruin our future. Thank you…..Chloe
Dear Chloe,
Honestly, I think you are likely ok here. The little stuff that you’re talking about — dinners, groceries, parking, monacle cleaning solution — if he’s a rich guy, I’m sure he’s not worried about that per se. I really think it was the fact that he gave you his credit card with a “budget” and the number displeased you (even though you came in under the proposed budget, it was your initial reaction.)
ALERT! ALERT!
Here’s my guess. I think that moment made him suddenly flash back to the warning signs he got in these past relationships — the ones with the, how do you say, “slimebag gold diggers”? It made him wonder — even if only for a moment — “Is she going to turn out like that?”
Now, the fact that he TOLD you about this is very, very good news. Had he been genuinely concerned you were just looking for a sugardaddy (my secret dream is that my lady fair is secretly rich and will be my sugarmommy. Sadly, if she is, well, it’s a secret to her as well.) he might have just clammed up and set up watchtowers for more signs.
Sounds to me like he had a twinge of that fear, and because he feels so close to you, he told you about it. Why? Because you’re close. Because it’s going on. Because he wanted to let you know where he’s at with stuff, in case you noticed him feeling a little “off.”
WHAT CAN YA DO?
So, onto your question. How can you make sure Mr. McDuck doesn’t think you’re only after his lucky charms? Couple of quickies:
- Actually don’t BE after his money: Always a good place to start. Sounds like you’re there.
- Suggest cheap/free stuff to do: One thing that might concern a dude who is overly sensitized to cashgrabbers might be a woman who always needs to be taken to the best, most expensive restaurants, etc. Plan a night at home where you make him dinner, or a picnic somewhere outside. Something romantic that has NOTHING to do with money, to let him know what’s really important.
- Make effort: A lot of the women who want the money ALSO want to be waited on hand and foot. (I don’t know why “hand and foot” is how people are waited on, but that’s how things are, so I suggest we all just get used to it.) Make sure he knows that you’re as interested in being good to him as he is to you.
- Put money in its place: Look, money is great. But it’s NOT why you’re with him, right? As in, if he was suddenly broke, you’d still love him like crazy, right? So don’t worry about what to do about this as much as you just let money be what it is. It’s nice, but it’s beside the point. The relationship is the point. The fact that he’s rich is just…well, it’s awesome. But not mandatory.
Good luck, Chloe. Sounds like you’re in good shape. If money’s not why you’re with him, then I don’t think you have to worry too much about it.
What’s your experience, ladies? Ever been with a rich guy who had been gold-dug before? How’d you calm him down about it? Or did you dig yourself?
Posted: June 17th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Judith
Time June 17, 2008 at 7:11 am
Honestly, the intial pout over using his card to buy clothes on a proposed budget gave me the hee-bie, jee-bies. Sounds to me like you triggered those most uncomfortable feelings as Jeff said.
Maybe I’m just old fashioned - how old fashioned can I be, I”m only 37, but I digress…
I (and this is just me personally) would have a terrible time taking the credit card of someone I was just dating (even if for a birthday present) and using it to buy anything. Had the roles been reversed, I might have said, “I really appreciate the thought and your wanting to give me this as a birthday present, but I would much rather lay in bed next to you all day having great birthday sex”
I wonder if he didn’t drag up some of his own feelings too, he obviously thinks that birthdays are for handing over credit cards. He could have stretched his imagination a little bit and bought her something original as opposed to just pulling out the plastic.
Sounds like he might have his own pattern of whipping out the credit card to celebrate occassions. If you do it, those around you come to expect it. Then when they come to expect it and he doesn’t whip it out, and they are noteably upset, they look like money grabbers.
It could really go both ways, why did he feel the need to pull a Richard Gere and send her shopping with plastic, and truthfully the next time he whipped out the card, I would politely say, “thanks but lets do something together instead of me shopping alone.”
Comment from debra
Time June 17, 2008 at 8:05 am
Your comment that “he likes to pay” indicates that you have a little bit of work to do on your attitude about his money. Nobody likes to pay all the time. It’s not about the money, even if he can afford to pay all the time, everyone wants to feel that they are special enough to be spoiled once in a while. Next time you go out, you pay. Don’t make a huge production out of it, it doesn’t have to be super expensive, just let him know that you want to be able to do something special for him once in a while. I’m not saying you have to go 50/50 all the time, just surprise him once in a while by treating him.
Comment from Robin
Time June 17, 2008 at 9:58 am
First of all, for him to fork over his credit card to you demonstrates that he has a great the deal of trust in you.
When you pouted about your budget, if I were him, that would have set off a red flag FOR SURE, especially if I’ve already voiced a concern about gold diggers.
Now how to combat this? Be the exact opposite of a gold digger. Pay for lunch/dinner every now and again. Decline his offer to buy you groceries from time to time.
Literally pretend you’re going out with a REGULAR GUY. Because guess what? Under all that money is exactly that…a regular guy who clearly is smitten with you.
Basically, just return the favors, even if it is in small ways. He’ll definitely see that more than anything, you really love HIM and not his money and it will demonstrate that you appreciate when he does treat you to all of the wonderful dinners, groceries, gifts, etc.
Comment from AnneZ
Time June 17, 2008 at 9:59 am
I recoil at the thought of being given a credit card, too. To pout over the budget would be unthinkable. Honestly, he had to have felt the whiff of gold digger in the air, who wouldn’t? Furthermore, it’s very bad manners to reject any gift. If he handed you a potted plant, you’re supposed to smile and say “how thoughtful, thank you.” Period.
Others have made good points and given good suggestions. In the future, I would never accept the credit card again. Don’t do so sullenly, do it gracefully, sincerely and cheerfully. If he’s so tycoon busy he doesn’t want to shop, he can at least come up with a gift certificate to a certain store on gift giving occasions. This takes it out of the realm of “kept woman” (which is what a credit card would make me feel like) and back into “appropriate gift giving behavior.”
I loudly second the comments above me. Don’t slide into his life and into his wallet thoughtlessly. Keep a good boundary.
Jeff, I want to make special mention of your “watchtowers” observation. Very interesting. Another great manslation.
Comment from AnneZ
Time June 17, 2008 at 10:23 am
Hmmmmm. A new thought.
Is it possible offering to hand over the credit card was a test? Maybe conscious, maybe not conscious?
A man with wealth certainly would have a lot of practice judging people’s reactions to same. Coming in under budget may have saved the day, but before that, doesn’t look too good.
How ’bout it, Jeff? Do men test women like this? Whether they are admitting it to themselves consciously or not?
Comment from Susan
Time June 17, 2008 at 10:29 am
Why are you using his credit card to buy yourself clothes — with a stated budget?! Even if he offered it as a nice gesture, the “buy yourself something really nice, honey” may be playing into his fears. And it’s reinforcing some stereotypes, even if they aren’t true about you or your situation.
If you need to give him some ideas on what to give you as a birthday gift, fine. Otherwise, buy yourself your clothes and continue to show him you care for him in ways that don’t cost anything.
Comment from Selena
Time June 17, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I’ll grant you, use of a credit card isn’t the most thoughtful and romantic of gifts. However, some people really aren’t that good at shopping for others–particularly when it comes to something that is a matter of personal taste like clothing. Giving her his credit card to use for her present doesn’t necessarily imply something sneaky. He may genuinely have wished her to get what she wanted and believed $300 was an appropriate amount to spend on a birthday gift for someone you are dating.
The fact she seemed to believe $300 was cheap speaks alot about her, not him. Maybe he doesn’t have as much money as she thinks he does? How would she really know anyway? I don’t think she needs to start paying on their dates to prove she’s not a gold digger, she just needs to be appreciative and not come off as greedy. A mark she missed when she pouted.
Comment from Terry
Time June 17, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I think Jeff’s 4-point plan is right on the money (sorry; couldn’t resist).
Seriously, if a guy gave me his credit card to buy myself clothes, I would have been a bit freaked out. I may not be in his tax bracket, but I buy my own clothes.
Also, grown women don’t pout. Toddlers do.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 18, 2008 at 12:26 am
Dears: Here’s another reason why no-holds-barred chatting is requisite, especially in Romanceland. Some good news is that history can be edited; better news is that editing requires self-scrutiny of HER & HIM. HE might resolve this insecurity by dating only wealthy women, or by divesting Himself of every unnecessary coin, OR–best of all–committing to the work of dissolving the insecurity with Ms. Chloe! The ONE sweet thing about accepting the shop-solo gig is that the ‘money’ elephant was noticed [seems that HE talked about diggerdemons only then!]. BUT: Sometimes, insecurity can be ubiquitous for any & all. Ask Him why He doesn’t restrict His dating to monied women; clarify that You aren’t His idea of philanthropy, a charitable endeavor.
Ms. Chole, hardcore recovery from that card episode is needed.
[1] Embrace Him with condolence for his past digger-disappointments AND express Your confident heart that, Cher, His luck’s changed!
[2] ASAP!, ask Him to go with you to a women’s shelter to donate those birthday gems [especially! if U really, really like 'em].
[3] Explain to Him and, at the same time, to Yourself WHY you gave the *pout* during the birthday budget chat.
[4] Perhaps, THIS should have been “opener’: Make certain that His golddigging ghosts are real versus ghostly imaginations. [Have a male friend, 2+ decades, who consistently facilitated women in abusing him financially; current cure of a seems "good" woman' was waaay overdue.] Be sure that HIS insecurity is reality-based by asking Him for examples of “what they’ did; ALSO, good to know what His pre&post actions were. It’s not hopeless if HE’s insecure in general [versus a specific], but knowledge revives.
[5] Hope you noticed your words “HE pays for MY parking which can run US” that portray a delicious coupledness. Yes–it’s your parking for Thee “US”, in which HE exists and blooms.
[6] Money parity might be had by splitting expenses according to each one’s percentage of total [labor NOT non-labor] income. Percentages, like longitudes, are hard to confuse. [Surprise Him with gametickets & fancy tailgate spreads--1st grub, then U!]
LASTLY: Toward a HappyFuture of U2 PrettyPeople, if His insecurity survives both your best efforts–suggest that He lighten that load by unloading elephants so only U2 waltz in the parlor!!
Comment from Selena
Time June 17, 2008 at 7:08 am
If you don’t care about his money why did you pout when he set a spending limit for you on his card? You words say one thing, your actions speak another. Follow Jeff’s suggestions if indeed you don’t want to be a gold digger.