manslations

A return poster who now calls herself “Lychee Lisa” is having an issue with her gentleman friend pulling back from her. Could it be about his new Playstation 3? (hint: no.) And what should she do about it? Let’s get the details:

hi jeff,

yay, congrats on your book! i look forward to hearing all the good things that follow…
in the meantime, could you please help me with a long-term bf question:

my bf (of 3 yrs) and i see each other practically every evening, and definitely weekends. we live close by from one another, so the commute isn’t really an issue. we usually have a good time doing stuff or not much of anything. however, recently he has gotten a playstation 3 for his birthday, and is hooked! lol. i love playing video games, just not the racing driver one he digs. and lately, he want to spend all his free time this way…even when i feel like talking with him about deeper things.

As a not-infrequent video gamer myself, I can attest to the fact that it can be a bit of a compulsion. But when it’s a wedge between boy and girl? Not usually about the gaming. I mean, not unless it’s a REALLY good game. I mean, the original “Deus Ex” was…Ok, breathe. Let go. Release.

My point is, the game might be a way to avoid what’s wrong, but it’s not the culprit itself. Let’s find out more.

he also seems more distant than usual on the affection front. i am very touchy-feely, and equate physical contact with love and attraction. while i tend to do this more than he anyway, now it’s starting to feel desperate. i feel it’s a good day when he initiates hugs, and a kiss? score! sex has decreased due to busy schedules and tiredness on his part (long story, but most assuredly legit), but we still do it with gusto.

With gusto is the only way to do it! But the decrease in frequency…well, it doesn’t seem like a total surprise to you. You describe him as “more distant than usual.” As in, he is usually distant, just not this much? I’m wondering if distance is his natural hidey-hole, and something’s going on to send him there more now than before?

he has complained that we don’t talk much of ‘deep things’, yet more often than not, i have to ask him what he is thinking! he is much more introverted than i, and i am starting to wonder if this behavior is just a ‘guy thing’,

Not necessarily.

a ‘introverted guy thing’

Could be.

and/or ’something women complain about but can’t do much to change’ thing.

Definitely. I mean, especially about the “can’t do much to change” part. How could you?

he is also kinda depressed over his stagnating hopes/dreams, and talks about buying a house usually include buying a grand piano so he can fulfill them (not much mention of me and/or family, btw).

BOOM. The lunchbox has landed. That, right there, is the likely winner of the Miss Why-I’m-Being-Distant pageant. (Great swimsuit competition on that one. And for her talent, she did the old “What am I doing with my life, I’m not getting any younger” routine.)

last night i told him that when he plays video games when i want some affection with him, it makes me feel like i am not attractive, and sad. he replied of course not, etc…this, combined with the decrease in physical tenderness on his part, is getting to me.

I bet it is. Two people have to find a rhythm that works for everybody, and it’s not always so easy.

at this point, i am thinking of not spending as much time together, just to see what happens…and perhaps fulfill my life with the growing emptiness as of late

Hm. I’m with you all the way, unless what you’re suggesting is to sort of “bait” him by being less available. That’s kind of an a-hole move. If you want to leave, leave. If you want to tell him something, tell him. But if you want to avoid him to make him miss you, that’s just manipulative and weird. And not so likely to work. Well, if by “work” you mean “save the relationship.”

i know, i should be doing that anyway, but it’s so fun sharing things with people you love. i guess that makes me an extrovert? maybe a soft-spoken one, anyway.

thanks so much jeff, i appreciate your time and 2-cents (in addition to your wise and loyal mans-ladies!).
i’ve posted before (but love thinking of new names to embody, lol), and value all of your comments.
congrats again on your book! can’t wait to check it out…

Dear Lychee Lisa,

Here’s my take. Sounds like your boy is feeling the heat of his dreams vs. his reality. As in, he wants to be a pianist of some stripe (well, either that or he wants to do one of those StrongMan competitions and he needs a piano around to practice lifting it with his butt cheeks or something.) The problem is that he is NOT one currently. And he’s feeling the sting of that.

So, why does this equal a retreat from you? Well, as I’ve written here before, some men feel that if their life isn’t how they want it to be, they can’t be intimate with someone else. (I’m sure I’ve met one of these men somewhere…hm…where did I meet a guy like that before…Oh, this is going to drive me nuts…It was “Jeff” something…hm….) Sounds like your guy could be one of these.

I’LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU — AS SOON AS I’M NOT A LOSER

If your guy is like this, it feels like this:

1. I want XYZ
2. I don’t have XYZ
3. It’s my fault I don’t have XYZ
4. Ergo, while XYZ-less, I am kind of a loser
5. I’m gonna get XYZ one day
6. Until that day, I don’t want anyone to see me for what I know I am — kind of a loser

This can play out in different ways, depending upon the guy. Some guys become workaholics. Some get sullen and/or depressed. Some play a lot of video games. And that’s all just ME. (ha ha ho ho hee hee. Oh, such a funny, funny joke. Ugh.)

In his case, it sounds like he’s equating closeness with the kind of intimacy that would allow the outside world (that’s you) to see in.

WHAT’S TO BE DONE?

Well, as you suggested, there isn’t much you can do to “change” this behavior. If he’s doing what I’m hypothesizing he is, it’s his chosen method of dealing with his situation. Only he gets a vote in whether or not to change that.

HOWEVER

It sounds like you really care about him. What you might try is this: whatever it is that he’s working on that isn’t where he wants it to be (the piano) — try encouraging it. Let him know that you believe in his ability to do it. Let him see that you don’t feel negatively about the fact that he hasn’t achieved it yet.

If he’s hiding himself because of a lack of achievement in his chosen area, one of his biggest fears is that you’re going to get sick of waiting around for him to GET there already. He’s feeling impatient, and he’s afraid you are as well. So, let him know that you’re with him, on the same team, ready to work towards the future together.

But that said, again, it’s really all up to him.

Good luck, LL! I can’t promise this will work, but the worst thing for shame/embarrassment/depression is to HIDE it. That just reinforces the embarrassment. Let him feel encouragement and patience, and see what he does.

What’s your take, ladies? This one resolvable? How can LL do it?