manslations

A reader named Jenna fears that she may have spooked her man with talk of the F word. No, not that F word. I’m sure he can speak about F-reedom or F-ornication or F-erris wheels just f-ine. The F…uture. But she wants to talk about it. How can she go about it without sending him for the hills? If there even are hills nearby.

Let’s see what we can do for you, Jenna…

I’m a 40 y.o. female (divorced since 1993). I’ve been seriously dating a 42 y.o. man who’s never been married (nor lived with another female), going on 22 months. We see each other almost every night, (sleeping over) or the other nights on the phone 2-3 hours talking. We love each other and we tell each other daily. At the start of our relationship we talked how we were both open for marriage. His friends and acquantances have mentioned he’s afraid of commitment however. He has a very demanding/over-needy mother, and his friends also say he’s a mommas boy. I know I am totally in love with him and see myself content with him the rest of my life. I would like more than what we have right now, whether moving in together, engaged “stage”, marriage or even a promise ring. I mentioned and asked him 2 months ago if a “ring” (even just a promise ring) was in the future and he got really quiet. He said I “suprised” him and he didn’t know what to say. He said he’d think about it and we would talk later about it. About a week later, he said he hadn’t forgotten about it, but was still thinking things through. He hasn’t said another word to me since. We still get along great, all aspects of our relationship and great sex. He tells me every day he loves me. But it seems that he has completely avoided the topic of our future. What can I do or how do I go about talking to him?

Dear Jenna,

Ok, from what I can tell here, you’re probably fine. More than fine. You’ve got a guy with whom you get along great. The only issue seems to be — he’s not comfy with the Future Talk. No sweat. I’m here to help. But first, I shall blow thy mind…

MEN ARE KINDA DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN

Whoa. Heavy, right?

But seriously, this does seem to be one of those areas in which many men feel a bit out of their depth. Talking about marriage, the future, forever, that kind of thing. All the more so with a guy who has never BEEN married — not only doesn’t he know how to talk about it, but he likely thinks he’s supposed to know.

DOES HIS REACTION MEAN HE’S NOT SURE?

Since you two are still getting along just peachy — even post-clamup — it seems like the issue is NOT jitters about whether or not he wants to be with you. I think he was being honest when he said that he didn’t know what to say. He literally didn’t know.

The thing is, it seems like he WANTS to know what to say. (If he were just messing you about, he’d likely have a better excuse than he had.) That’s a good thing.

BUT (every situation’s got one, no?)

You want to keep the talk going. And it seems to have stalled with him.

WHAT TO DO?

1. Don’t freak out. While he’s not sure how to talk about this yet, he’s giving you no indication that he’s NEVER going to talk about it.
2. Don’t freak HIM out. And by that, I mean, don’t turn this into a you vs. him sort of thing, where you’re having a tug-o-war with his fears. Nobody wins that particular tug.
3. Keep it about WHY. This has surprised some women I’ve told — but I think you’re better off focusing on WHY you want to talk about the future, rather than the future itself at first. I’ve had women tell me, “Well…it’s obvious WHY I want to move it forward!” and I say, nuh-uh. Not to him, it’s not. In our society, for whatever reason, women seem to be the ones gunning to get married. It can be a little nervewracking to men in some situations, when we are suddenly faced with the question, “So, ah, does she want to marry ME…or does she just want to get married?“

Now, on that last one, I’m not suggesting that you are giving off that vibe to him. All I’m saying is, your motivations for wanting to talk future are likely not as clear to him as they are to you. If he knew that you wanted to talk about the future only because…

• You’re crazy about him.
• You love spending time with him.
• You want to be even closer to him than you are now

…well, that certainly feels like a much nicer conversation than whatever he might THINK you’re talking about. It’s more about the two of you than, say, “So, when are we going to see a ring on this finger?” And it will likely invite him to talk about why HE might want something in the future.

Again, I’m not suggesting that you were actually pressuring him to do something against his will. I’m just saying that you’ll get a lot further with him talking about why you want to be with him in the future, than you will if you are just saying, “So, future, what’s it gonna be, hey?”

Good luck, Jenna. From what you’ve told me, I think you have every reason to be optimistic about this talk, if you can start it from the right angle.

What do you say, ladies? Ever help a dude who was afraid of the F-Word? How about the L-Word? Or the dreaded M-word?