manslations

A reader named Sara is looking for some no-strings-attached, no-holds-barred, post-breakup nooky. And other hyphenates. She and the ol’ ex-er took the first step (i.e. the hot-t-t sex, if you know what I mean…oh hold on…that wasn’t a euphemism…eh, ok, so you know what I mean, fine.) and all seemed, at various moments, either hunky or dory. But then he seemed to tiptoe backwards a little. Eh? A man? Turning down guilt-free sex? Is’t possible, milords and miladies? E’en so.

Let’s try to explain why:

Jeff,

This may seem like a bizzare question but here goes:

My ex-boyfriend and I have been split up for about 3 years now. While it was somewhat painful to break up, it was by far the BEST THING that could have happen. We both dated others and I think fully appreciated what we had. Well this past winter we have hung out (a movie and maybe a dinner here and there). Then, one night IT just happened and was AWESOME. I realize what it was. Sex. AWESOME SEX! Well, here is the clincher: I am totally cool with just being friends with benefits. Actually, that is what I want. My life is busy and I do not have time to invest in a relationship–I want to be able to come and go as I please and maybe even date other people. So, you know I just never said “Let’s talk” to him afterward. There wasn’t a need. So, now if I flirtatiously (is that a word) joke with him, there is a very, very subtle rejection there. WHY? I really don’t get it. I never would have thought in a million years that I would meet a man that would reject (in a very subtle way) the perfect arrangement. I am tempted to just confront it, but there is another side that says blow him off when he comes back around. Please help me with a Manslation……..

Thanks,

Sara

Dear Sara,

Well, well, well. Looks like someone has spotted the elusive species, Man NonCasualSex of the genus Foolish. What the holy hey is going on here? Could be a couple of things.

I. HE’S AFRAID THAT YOU’RE GOING TO GET ATTACHED

That sure happens. A guy sees what appears to be the perfect opportunity for some responsibility-free nooky. But something seems too good to be true. Will you REALLY want it to be responsibility free? And just like with those “fat-free” cookies, he’s sensing that there’s a catch. “Waaaaait a second. Do these things really expect me to believe I can eat them and not pork it? No, no, no. Something’s not right here.  It’s no good. It’s a trap. Talk to me, Goose. Talk to me.”

II. HE’S AFRAID THAT HE’S GOING TO GET ATTACHED

Maybe he understood exactly what you were after, and thought to himself that it would be all fun and games until someone’s heart loses an eye. Which…let’s just leave that metaphor to die, shall we? Great. The point is that you guys were together, then you weren’t, and now? Who knows what you are now? Which leads me to:

III. THE EMOTIONAL AMBIGUITY WORRIES HIM

Look, if your average woman can handle the emotional equivalent of that dude on the old Ed Sullivan show spinning all those plates, the average man would be, I don’t know, a kid on a safety leash, wearing a helmet, trying to hold onto a frisbee without dropping it.

What you’re asking for is potentially complex. It has all the possibility in the world of becoming something that he won’t understand. And he knows that you likely WILL understand it. And he’ll be in the middle of a big mess. Which is sometimes worth it for the sex, sure, of course. But not always.

Your humble manslator, for example, has (to my eternal shame) never been very good with “friends with benefits.” I just don’t get it. I know that one of two things is going to happen. One, someone’s going to get attached and the other will have to dump them. Or two, no one’s going to get attached, and it’s going to end anyway. I guess I’ve always just wanted to cut to the chase and move onto the potential for something for reals.

Well…maybe not RIGHT away…

HAVING YOUR CAKE AND HUMPING IT TOO*

(*no cakes were humped in the writing of this manslation.)

The point is this, Sara. Sounds like you’re picking up on something that we can’t quite diagnose. It’s definitely some kind of apprehension on his part, but which kind? Well, here’s the good news — it sort of doesn’t matter.

One way or the other, your fat-free nooky arrangement is either something he could go for or not. If he could go for it, he’s most likely apprehensive because he’s not sure where YOU’RE at. And if he’s not going to go for it, you’re not going to be able to talk him into it. Nor do you want to.

In this situation, if you really want that sweet ex action, I’d say to resort to the absolute truth, in the 70’s style of, say,  “I’m not talkin’ ’bout movin’ in, and I don’t wanna change your life. But there’s a warm wind blowin’ the stars around, and I’d really love to have sex with you once in a while without actually ‘dating’ if that works for you. If not though, that’s totally cool.” Once he knows where YOU are at with the whole thing, it will then allow him to react only on his own behalf, and not in fear of what may or may not be going on with you.

(BONUS:There’s no real danger of rejection because, well, you’re already broken up. The worst that can happen is that you continue to be broken up.)

Good luck, Sara. I say give it a whirl! Why not?

What’s your take, ladies? Ever had a man turn down Friends w/Bennies? Why’d he do it?