manslations

Well, it was bound to happen. The backlog of manslations requests is long enough that it has lapped itself. I’ve got a two-parter here — the 2nd one came in not long before I was just getting to the first. The text of the original is down below. I’ll focus more on the recent update to the situation from frequent commenter, Grace. She is with a guy who has just graduated, and is now BUSY-BUSY-BUSY with his new job, and studying for some exam (which, for our purposes here, is the Entrance Exam for the Society of Raccoon Appraisers. This is what happens when you leave the details to my imagination.)

Seems like he’s not quite as demonstrative as she would like. Specifically around, yes, that “L” word. (Yes, it’s “labrador.”) Is she wasting her time? Let’s find out:

Hi Jeff,

I sent in a request a few weeks ago..I just wanted to update my situation a bit..Hopefully you will check this out before you get to my request.

Now that summer has begun for both of us, we remained pretty much the way we were. Obviously we can’t see each other everyday now, but we talk a lot and we meet up over the weekends. He is living at home now and that makes it inconvenient to spend time together. However, he realizes that and he is starting work shortly and will be more financially sound, so he is planning to get a car and move into he’s own apartment, which would make us spending time together a lot easier.

I enjoy he’s company, I like the fact that he is intelligent and composed. Even though I try not to dive in too deep too quickly, I know I like him very much. Again, we are young, but a stable and committed relationship is all that I am interested in. I know he likes me too. And now he often tells me he misses me. But we’ve been together for several months now, and he hasn’t said he loves me yet. Is that something I should be concerned about? As I have mentioned in my request, he is not much of a talker, is not very good at telling me sweet sweet things. But saying “I Love You” shouldn’t be so difficult if the “liking” and the “commitment” is strong enough.

What do you think? Based on what I want, does he sound plausible? Or am I wasting my time?

I’ve made my request even longer now! Sorry about that! But thank you so much for your manslation though! I know it will be extremely helpful!

Best,
Grace

Dear Grace,

Well, in your original request (below) you mentioned that this guy was not very “romantic” and not so good with flowers, etc. (I feel his pain. I only recently sort of “got” that stuff, and I still don’t get it. I do, however, now know that if I can fake it well enough, that’s all she’s really looking for — the effort.) So it seems to me that he’s probably the kind of guy who makes this assumption:

Oh, she knows how I feel. We spend time together, even though I’m busy. I don’t cheat on her. I treat her well. I shouldn’t have to go crazy trying to PROVE that. Right?

He thinks that because he walks the walk, that he doesn’t really have to talk the talk. In the words of Hurley on Lost, “Uh…wrong, dude.” I’m not getting a vibe that you’re wasting your time with him. He sounds like he’s with you. The question is, can he give you what you need?

It’s perfectly reasonable for you to want and expect a man to do all the stuff that makes you feel loved, including saying the dread “L” word itself. However, it’s also perfectly reasonable for him to assume that how he is behaving is ok. If, that is, he doesn’t hear otherwise. And when he does hear otherwise, it’s up to him if what you want is something he wants to give.

TO CONFRONT OR NOT TO CONFRONT…

Well, it seems that the only way that you’re going to get what you want is to make it known that that’s what you want. He doesn’t seem to be getting the hint. So…how to go about it? Should you tell him, “Look, I’m not getting what I need from you!” My sense is no — not in this case. Here’s why. (And no, people, it’s not just because I was raised in Connecticut where one doesn’t ask for what one wants.)

From your description, he’s already freaking out a little about his job, his new life, his situation. He’s caught up in the “in between” place, no longer in the past, but not yet in the future. You know, “life.” Seems like he’s got a lot on his plate. A lot of stuff that he’s working hard to succeed at. Or even to stay afloat. Here’s the thing:

DO NOT become another thing he thinks he’s got to “hold together”.

First of all, do you really want to be just another part of this dude’s personal obstacle course? And second, it won’t work. If he feels like it’s your needs vs. his ability to keep life going, nobody wins.

SO THEN HOW?

I think the best way to go about it is to turn this situation into your will PLUS his will vs. the obstacles “out there.” This way, you’re setting yourself up as his teammate, NOT as someone he’s got to work to keep happy.

Note — I am NOT saying that you should water down what you want from a relationship, or that you’re pushing your needs under in favor of his. No, no, no. No way. What I’m suggesting is to realize (and most importantly, to let HIM realize) that what you want is to be on the same team with him. To let him know, “Look, life is hard, we both need stuff, and I want to make sure we get what we want and need from each other. How can we support each other in the best way possible here? What do you need from me to feel like we’re in the right place?” And let him start.

And here’s one way to get him on board with the L word:

YOU FIRST

I’m not sure if you wrote it in there, but I can’t find it — have you told him that you love HIM? Somebody’s got to say it first, right? Why not you? Even if you believe that he is the one who should say it first, well, you’re still in the top two, right?

When you describe his behavior, especially in your first request, it seems like you’re talking about someone who is in the relationship with you. Seems like someone you trust. It just seems like he’s not expressive in a way that you would like.

So? How about it? Have you told him you love him? And if so, what did he say?

Good luck, Grace. It sounds like you’re describing someone who is walking the walk, but maybe not talking the talk in the way you need. The good news is, guys can learn to talk the talk. It’s the walking part that’s tough to find.

What do you think, ladies? Is she wasting her time? Can she squeeze that L word out of him?

————————-

Text of original request:

Hi Jeff,

I simply love your site. Manslations has become one of my daily must-check-websites along with New York Times, CNN and my email account. =D Too bad that you are human too and you have to rest on weekends. =(

But, Ok, here is the thing.

He is 24 and graduating next month. He is going to be working for a big firm and at the same time trying to pass a super difficult exam. He is financially independent. So I know he is going to be super busy. But I will still be in college for another two years.

We met through a mutual friend, we’ve known each other for a year, and we’ve been together for a few months. I like him very much and our relationship is moving into more and more of a serious nature. However, because I am only human, because we are young, and because this is a first time long-term relationship for the both of us, I still feel the need for a second opinion, on whether what he shows to me, the way he treats me and his behaviors seem to you that he is stable enough. I would love love love to know what you think.

At the beginning, we kept it casual and fun. He talked to me a lot, asked me out on dates, movies, dinners, etc. After a few months I felt comfortable enough to tell him that I can not proceed further if we are not going to be exclusive. (By then we’ve made out a few times, no sex yet.) He said he liked me very much and asked me if I would like to be his girlfriend. I knew things could not simply just all work out because he said that, but, being a chick, I was still happy that he said it.

He always calls, texts, keeps me updated, and we spend lots and lots of time together. And when sex finally happened, he did not run away, did not change.

Whenever he does something that makes me mad(being late or says something stupid), even though it has always been just silly things, he tries his best to understand why I am mad and fix them and stays with me until everything has been talked over. Recently, one of his close female friends told him something false and bad about me behind my back. It was infuriating but he stood up for me, let me know what she told him immediately, trusted me, wrote a long letter to her basically telling her to stop and clean up the rumor. And then he pretty much cut her out of his life.

For the past two months, gradually we’ve been disclosing more to each other about our family, past, friends, and lots of personal stuffs. I know pretty much all of his friends, but have not been introduced to any of his family members yet.

Now the things that worry me. He is not particularly romantic. No flowers or anything of sorts. I’m not looking for anything expensive, but I just want to see efforts. I know I am being silly but it bothers me. =( What should I do here? I don’t want to keep whining for what I want, after all I’ve even said it once I wanted flowers, lol. But this probably has to do with his personality, he told me he is not very emotional. From what I have observed, and like you have said here, as a guy, he tends to see the function of things instead of meanings. But then it all just gets so practical and I am not happy with that and what should I do about this?

The biggest worry is that he is graduating and will be an hour away from me. Our relationship has not been tested yet. I really wish we can survive being somewhat apart, but what is the likelihood?
We’ve talked about this, I asked him how are we going to continue. He said that he will be working in the city on the weekdays, but will come back to campus, which is in the suburbs, on weekends and spend time with me.

It is going to be different though. He will be in a different world, with a new circle of friends. He is starting his career and will have new things to worry about, I just don’t know if our lives will be synched enough to continue a relationship. He assured me that he wants to be with me and will make this work. But I know words are words, sweet but solves nothing.

So does this at least sound like the beginning of a real long-term thing, or am I a naive young child kidding myself? Is waiting to see what happens and how he behaves my only option? I know it probably is but based on what has already happened what do you think is likely to happen?

I am sorry for making this so unbelievably long. But I think the more you know the better you can understand the situation and give advices.

Thank you so very much,

Best,
Grace