Is She Putting Out the Cougar Vibe?
A reader calling herself “Just Having Fun” is getting back a little too much reaction from the dudes on her co-ed sports team. (For the moment, I’m picturing a sort of a “roping kittens” version of a rodeo. Just what you get when you give me too non-specific of an image to deal with.)
Her dude friends assume she’s coming onto them. What the hey? Is she coug-ing it up? What’s happening?
Dear Jeff,
Ack! Am I putting out some “cougar” vibe? Seriously! I’m a recently separated single-mom (age 37) and I’ve been hanging out with a lot of guy friends. We play on a co-ed sports team together which is mostly made up of, well, MEN. It’s fun, it’s a good way to meet people, we do lots of social stuff together without all the potential creepiness of online dating. But ever since my separation, guys that I meet assume I’m coming on to them.
To be fair, I am definitely looking for people to hang with and have a good time, but I’m not interested in dating or hooking up with any of them. I am pretty flirty – but I’ll flirt with anyone! It’s just about having fun!
Anyway, it bums me out that I’m finding it hard to make friends with some of these guys because they think I’m asking for more. The irony is that I’m too shy to ask out the one guy I really do like.
Does flirting make me look like a huntress? Or am I doing it wrong?
Thanks!
“Just Having Fun”
Dear JHF,
Well, by beginning your request with the word ‘ack’ you are definitely giving off a Cathy vibe. HOT-T-T!
Let’s look at what your man-pals on your sports team (I’m now picturing full-contact, mixed martial arts badminton) see in you. A woman who is:
- Single = available
- Flirty = at least potentially sexable
- Sporty = not afraid to run around and get sweaty with dudes
I’m guessing that what you’re putting out there is that you’re a woman who likes to have a good time, who is physical, who is flirty, and who is attractive (clearly, or none of this would be happening in this way.)
Err…sounds, like, HOT. Seriously.
HOW TO BE A GOOD TIME
My lady fair (now my very own en-fianced one) once said that women need to know how to be a good time. She described how difficult, bored (ergo boring) and unfun some of the women she knew were on dates. And they would be frustrated that guys didn’t “get” them. Or whatever. Well…maybe the guys “got” them just fine.
Sounds to me like you are displaying to these men that you in fact are a good time.
WHY MUST THAT EQUAL SEX?
Answer: Because they are men. Sorry ’bout that. Single men don’t leave the house unless they think it will get them laid. Doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily giving off the “wrong” signals. It just means that you’re setting off their “gee, I hope I get some action today” meters by being fun and having fun, and by doing things because you freaking FEEL like it.
Also, most guys don’t really go out looking for female friends. Especially attractive ones who play murderball, or whatever it is. I think they might be doing a little projecting. As in, if HE were being flirty and fun in a room filled with women, well, it probably WOULD be coming on.
To give another example, if a woman dances with a dude in a club, it doesn’t mean anything. She just wanted to dance. If a guy dances with a woman, it definitely means he wants to do her. Pretty much always. We just don’t like dancing that much, you know?
The point is, it doesn’t sound like it’s you. It’s them. Please, please don’t change a thing. Except…
WHAT ABOUT THAT DUDE YOU LIKE?
Just Having Fun, are you frakkin’ kidding me? Sounds like you are the POSTER girl for the “woman who can do whatever the hell she wants.” You are NOT too shy to ask that dude out. Next time you’re cross-country ski-javelin-ing with the boys…ok, I can’t think of anything you could do in that particular made-up sport that would be flirty. Too many pointy things, someone’s going to get hurt.
Whatever. You know what I’m saying. Get the hell IN there, woman! You’ve got the whole thing going for you!
What do you think, ladies? Is she giving off that cougar vibe? Milf, perhaps? Or is she just hot-t-t, and her milkshake brings all the co-ed surf-bowlers to the yard?
Posted: June 27th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time June 27, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I’m not sure what the problem is here really. She enjoys flirting, but doesn’t like the guys coming on to her? Except for the one who she wishes would, but doesn’t? Maybe he doesn’t because he doesn’t take her seriously.
Well, she could tone it down with all the other guys and step it up with the selected one. That’s all I can think of. And I’m not so sure it’s a wonderful idea to be ‘on the hunt’ anyway if one is *recently* separated. The selected guy might be holding back for that very reason. Call him prudent.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 28, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Three’s the Charm for comments……Seems that our Ms. JHF IS having fun BUT enjoying less because her come-hithers are taken differently than she wants. Perhaps, she hoped Her “recently separated” perch would be a kind of protection–maybe. Surpise-Surprise, eh!
Sooo, Dear FunPersonette: Be careful with yourself. All *Flirtees* are not equal 2U, nor innocent. Be certain you’re Really Honest with Yourself about Why Udo Hoodoo Udo. A “recently separated” guy R gal is fragile on at least one level. BTW: What’s “recently separated” mean 2U or do4U when you caption self as that….Is it Your time to kick up heels, sow some oats, then back to the reality show!]
Your funLife & loveLife can be sweet, especially if U’re clear on anything unclear 2U. Enjoy to sprinkle Your Charms on Guy”prudent” [Excellent, Ms. Selena!] . Good Joys as U tweak His interest in being Your bracelet!
Comment from Lana B
Time June 28, 2008 at 11:31 pm
I am a bit confused here actually JHF. Is it that you can’t be friends with these guys cos they think you like them and hence they RUN AWAY? Or that they think you like them and are trying to indeed do the do with you the way that you do best?
My problem seems to be the former… that all guys think I like them and so they just don’t talk to me for fear that I will try to get them into bed. Hmmm…. Should I be then taking that as the ultimate anti-compliment Jeff Mac? Perhaos a trip to the beautician may be in order, but I doubt it.
A good friend has since admitted that he didn’t want to talk to me cos he thought I liked him first off, and he was scared of that, which was definitely not the case… considering I was interested in someone else at the time!
So which one is it? If they WANT to sleep with you, then THAT’S AWESOME! What the hell? Have a good time cos you’re peaking, girl. If it’s the other way, I’d be interested in reading the answer to that one too, cos lord knows what the hell I am doing?
Oh yeah, and I totally get the flirt fumbling over the man you really want. It doesn’t make sense. I feel your pain.
Comment from Char (PSI Tutor)
Time March 3, 2009 at 7:51 pm
I think it is your self-confidence that is attracting the younger guys.
For me, the guys really flirting are the one’s 10 years younger than me or more (I am 37; my cut-off age this year is 28 
Just because society in general deems women responsible for men’s responses does not mean you have to buy into it.
If you are being friendly and they think you want sex, that is their interpretation and you are not responsible for it. Of course their is a line, are you intentionally flirting and calling it friendliness~ well, only you would know that.
Or are you flirting in that polite non-serious way that adults are capable of but that the emotional non-adult will misinterpret?
I try to treat things like this as a CULTURAL difference, and adapt my behaviour providing I am not over-compromising myself~ as I am so over gender double standards.
Comment from Bee
Time June 27, 2008 at 11:46 am
well….my opinion, since you begged for it:
I am a good bit older and single X 7 years after a 27 year marriage (dont do the math). I have been dating for 4 years…..and I do believe that men know when a woman is still married….or separated…. and women can tell the same about a man! In other words, THAT territory combined with flirting, tends to make the other sex think one is out for jollies…fun and fun stuff… with no strings attached. SO, does that make you a cougar? No ….I am the cougar… a single mature lady who younger men think is a great teacher….etc…LOL on THAT one!
Just have fun with your sports and friends! Why worry what others think as long as your actions keep you where you want to be. You have enough to worry about!