When He Fantasizes About BEING a Woman
Well, you want to talk about your “out of my depth” moments? This is one o’ those. Anna is married to a man who has sexual fantasies — not so uncommon a complaint about men, several times on this website alone. However, in these fantasies, Mr. Anna sees himself as the woman. See…that’s a little different.
Hi, I would like to bring up that after 16 years of marriage my husband just told me that hes had a fantasy of what it would be like to be a women.For the past 5 years there has been no romance or hardly any sex.
Sure, I bet that might be a little tough, given that one of you doesn’t have the sexual parts of his choosing.
and i have been struggling for these 5 years trying to bring it all back. when i was on my way to Florida with our 2 beautiful girls to get away for a while he then told me about this secret fantasy that hes had since he’s a kid. He had mentioned that most of this time he was on his computer playing some game, and in the game he gets changed into a women, and was getting taught how to walk in women’s shoes and how to put on makeup.
Er…I play a fair amount of video games, and I have not heard about this one. Virtual Crossdresser? Fabulous Theft Auto? Ok, sorry, sorry.
All of these years he’s been masturbating thinking of himself as a woman. And he said for the longest time he just couldn’t stop. He says he never has thoughts of being with another man. he likes doing man things but still he said he would do anything to be a women for just 1 day.
Interesting. So, it seems that this is not a “gay” thing but a “transvestite” thing (most of whom, if Eddie Izzard is telling the truth, fancy girls. And why should we doubt a bloke in a dress?)
At this point I’m very uncomfortable being around him. I don’t even want to dress in front of him anymore. I do love him but i just don’t know if this marriage will ever be normal.
Well, I’d have to agree with you there, if by ‘normal’ you mean ‘not like this.’ Doesn’t sound to me like this is something that he’s going to ‘get over.’
He says it has nothing at all to do with me and that he loves me to death and he lives his life for me and could never live without me.PLEASE HELP.I’M Still in shock and don’t know what to do ,where to go , what to say. Should I stay, Or get out of this right away.His parents also know how he was when he was a child and did nothing to help him PLEASE HELP.
Dear Anna,
This is a tough situation to call, and not just because I’m, like, some dumb guy with a website. (Though granted, that’s a big hurdle. I say we pretend that issue isn’t there, ok?)
Actually, given your situation, I’d say that “ignoring problems” is not a great place to start. So, what do you do? Do you stay? Do you leave? Here’s what I’d suggest.
WARNING: The following advice is opinion only, and should not be taken as the words of an expert in psychology, sociology, or…well, in anything, really. And if you’re looking for a website to tell you how to “fix” your man and rid him of this “problem,” I’d say you should definitely look elsewhere. I’m pretty much just to the left of Karl Marx, so if you want to find a way for a guy who wants to be a woman to be “normal” again, I’d suggest to head over to Ted Haggard’s place and take a right. No wait…try Larry Craig’s. Hm. Well, I’m sure ONE of those guys is still in the closet. That said…
THIS IS HOW IT IS
Whether or not you believe it is a moral issue, a psychological problem, an “abnormality” or whatever else — none of that really matters, in the sense that he is how he is. And even if you and he were to BOTH think it is somehow “abnormal”, he’s still the one who gets to decide what to do about it.
So, given the fact that it seems he’s not going to be changing this fantasy anytime soon, what can you do? All you can do is ask yourself this:
GIVEN THAT THIS IS HOW IT IS, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Obviously, it sounds like what you REALLY want is for him to never have been like this in the first place. It’s reasonable to want that at first, obviously. It sure would be easier. Sadly, er, life doesn’t mind making you do things the hard way. (Thanks, life!)
So, given that he IS like this, what now? Do you want to stay with him? Could there be a way that this could be ok with you? If not, as I say, it’s not going anywhere. But if you want to work it out, I think the only way is through.
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS, HAL!
I think that the only way through any relationship difficulty — especially a big one — is through an “opening of the airlocks” as I like to say. The bigger the areas of secrecy, the bigger the WHOOOSH when you open those airlock doors and finally share the whole thing between the two of you. And I’m talking about the WHOLE thing. His fantasies, how he feels about the whole thing, how YOU feel about the whole thing. If you’re going to make it through this, you both have to know the WHOLE STORY on both sides.
This can’t be “you vs. him.” Who could win that? If, however, it is “you AND him vs. this issue” then it’s at least a place to start. Maybe even better, it’s “you AND him vs. misunderstanding.” Who knows if this will be too much for your relationship to bear? But at the very least, you know that you love each other. At some point, you both want the other one to be happy, right? Well, that may or may not be incongruous with staying together.
From what you say, I don’t think either of you knows that for sure yet. As far as I can tell, the only way through this one is going to be a throwing open of all the doors, and seeing EXACTLY where you are both at.
Good luck, Anna. I wish I were more of an expert in this (or any) area. But I am definitely an expert in being in relationships where one or both parties wish the other one would stop being how they are. Believe me, you don’t want to be an expert in that.
Let’s throw it out to the mans-ladies. Anyone have experience in this arena? How did it play out?
Posted: June 30th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Sassy
Time June 30, 2008 at 9:17 am
I will second Bell’s comments. There are great therapists out there. And this is a BIG issue. And don’t settle for the first one if you don’t like that therapists. It’s just like finding a dentist…some you like, some you don’t. Good luck to you both.
Comment from AnneZ
Time June 30, 2008 at 9:18 am
First, so sorry, Anna. This is a very tough challenge.
Second, heartily agree with everything Jeff said.
Third, heartily agree with Bloomsbury Bell.
I would just add that you might want to go to a counselor alone. It might help you learn how to approach him over the issue. Definitely go together if he will.
It might help to break down the issue into manageable bites. The five year lackanooky is a manageable component that doesn’t directly shame him. Maybe start with that or something like that. If you can solve one issue, it might give you both some momentum and confidence to make it through the biggest.
Best of luck to you.
Comment from AnneZ
Time June 30, 2008 at 9:19 am
Cross posted with Sassy. Sassy’s comments I also endorse.
Comment from Annabella
Time June 30, 2008 at 10:07 am
I’m very sorry that you are having to deal with this issue. I’m sure it will be very difficult going forward. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 30, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Dear, Dear Anna: Heartfuls of prayers to all of you.
It’s wonderful that you are choosing to attempt resolution, especially re-your little daughters for whom HE is always ‘Dad’! Athough I cannot relate, I can imagine your horror, even simply as any woman who loves.
Words of JM and comrades give excellent soothing. Ms. AZ’s suggestion to visit therapist alone at-first and to deal with “one issue” at a time is very practical because YOU carry most of the load, here. It could do both of you well to focus first on the “feelings” of You & Husband for & toward each other.
You’re going to need some serious and various sustenance. Be good to yourSELF, on all levels. Set aside alone times to pray, to think, to cry. Yes–tears can enlighten & heal, especially when we least expect. Put tears to your work. Always believe that you are not alone, Dear Anna, and always expect that Joy is around the corner! Godspeed!
Comment from Susan
Time June 30, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I agree with the counseling idea, and if your husband will not go, I strongly recommend you go by yourself. As Jeff said, there is a whole lot of “whoosh” that came out and it would be very helpful for you to have someone to talk through all of it openly and completely. Good luck.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time June 30, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Dearie JM: One Thousand Pardons for not highlighting your advice NOT to be judgmental! Fingerwags serve no purpose, regardless how sad it is that He isn’t Her dreamHubby AND that She wasn’t told at the beginning. His ‘difference’ is a problem for their relationshipping–not necessarily for HisSelf. Merci 4 All, JM!
Comment from Bloomsbury Bell
Time June 30, 2008 at 7:54 pm
I just wanted to add, it is probably tempting to think that since he fantasizes about being a woman and you have limited romance and sex, that what he says about not wanting to be with a man is not true. Pretty easy to jump to the conclusion that he’s gay. But it is true that hetero men can have this fantasy. More important, holding this secret in and not knowing how to deal with it has likely caused him more stress and depression over the years than you can imagine (take what you felt when he told you and multiply by about 20) and that would decrease sex drive and make him uncomfortable with you in romantic situations.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time July 1, 2008 at 8:41 am
Excellent point, all of you who mentioned her getting some professional help. I think that she might definitely benefit from getting an outside ear to help out with this.
Comment from Mar
Time November 21, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I have to say that this can be blown out of proportion. It may only be just that, a fantasy. I had a boyfriend who dreamed about just that. He even dressed up as a woman for Halloween. He is currently living in Oregon doing a He-man job and has a wife and two daughters. During the years that I knew him, he had a voracious appetite for females, as if he had to prove something, but he was also lacking size, so that could be why he did what he did when I knew him as a teen and twenties. I don’t know if he got over his fantasy or just went on to another, but he is definitely heterosexual.
If you love your husband, approach this with an open mind. Remember that he loves you. See an open-minded counselor. Not all of them are, but some are just great. As a relationship matures, there is going to be a little less action. That’s a given. Doesn’t mean he wants to experiment or go in for something that would hurt you. Get yourself to a counselor for your own peace of mind, and then invite him along. I think the two of you can work on it and deal. No worries. He’s still the same man you fell in love with and he loves you, too.
Comment from Chantelle
Time January 5, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Check out the concept of “autogynephilia” coined by Dr. Ray Blanchard…see if it applies to your situation.
Comment from B
Time March 1, 2009 at 4:37 am
All this talk about counseling as if there is something “wrong” with him seems over-reactive-just because someone has some sexual kinks that are outside the mainstream does not mean they have psychological issues. So he gets hot about fantasizing about being a woman, so what?
Instead of judging him, my advice would be find him some lingerie and do a little role-playing. Let him feel like he IS a woman for a night. (My bf is usually the dom, but even he likes to get dressed up and feel pretty once in awhile.) If you love and accept him for who he truly is, this will show him…and possibly open up new and interesting levels of intimacy between you.
Comment from LK
Time April 5, 2009 at 7:38 am
I’m with B…open up the doors, indulge and enjoy!
Comment from tiyo
Time January 20, 2010 at 9:21 pm
Its a fantasy everyone has them the game he plays would be second life its an online game were you can do anything you like and interact with people. you are in a good situation he wont be having a sex change and he wont be cross dressing its just a head thing and his fantasy’s are about him being a woman not being with another woman so if you really see it for what it is then there is no problem shore its not the norm but its a lot more healthier than other fantasy’s, this guy is harmless, if i were you i would treat it like its no big deal and you can both get on with your lives.
Comment from Bloomsbury Bell
Time June 30, 2008 at 7:24 am
I think this may be bigger than you and your husband can deal with on your own. If you want to work through this, I really recommend counseling, but it is important that you don’t suggest counseling in a way that sounds like you are trying to find someone to help you “fix” your husband. Approach it more from the angle that you need to understand what he’s saying and you think a counselor will help you both understand the issue and will help YOU deal with your emotions and confusion regarding what he told you.
It may be very uncomfortable for him to talk to a counselor abut this. If he doesn’t like the first one, go to another one. If he’s not willing to work through it with you, then that’s a whole ‘nother issue.