Why Didn’t He Mention The Girlfriend?
Strange and potentially unmanslatable one from Susan, who was invited over to dinner with her flirt-mate, only to be introduced to…Monica. Thump (that’s the sound of Susan’s jaw hitting the floor. Or the bag filled with birth control she was lugging over there. Whichever, it was pretty surprising.) So what the hump is going on around here? Let’s see if we can’t get some clues as to what Mr. TwoGirls was thinking…
Dear Jeff,
I am so glad I found your site!! I had a quick question as I am in need of a MANSLATION! I’ll try to make it quick:
I met this great guy through work and due to the nature of the business, we work together on a specific project once a year, which means I see him about once a year.
Say no more. You had me at “nature of the business.” I understand it. You both have the smuggler’s blues, and were looking for some companionship. (If anyone is old enough to know what song I’m talking about, seriously, aren’t you a little impressed with yourself and me for the fact that we know how to work these computerators?)
From the moment we met, we really hit it off. So much so that people around us assumed we were a couple. Yeah, there was heavy flirting energy tossed between the two of us! Through our interactions and through communications while away (email, cards) I got the impression that he really liked me.
Ok, all sounds peachy…feeling nervous…manslator senses tingling…
This past year, he invited me to dinner at his place. When I arrived, he introduced me to a young woman, with whom he shared a house. He did not introduce her as anything (sister, girlfriend fiance,wife) just a simple Susan this is Monica and Monica this is Susan, the woman I told you about from the Big Blue Transportation Company.
Well…that’s…strange? Or is it? I’m not so sure. (MANSLATOR’S NOTE: I think the “Big Blue Transportation Company” is my current favorite thing any requestor has made up to mask their true identity.)
In all my communications with him, he had never once mentioned he had a girlfriend and I found it curious that he flirted like crazy, invited me to dinner without telling me someone else would be there AND then proceed to not introduce her as anything specific.
I am assuming that this is his girlfriend. Any ideas as to why he never mentioned her before and why he didn’t introduce her as anything in particular?
Thanks!
Dear Susan,
Here’s what I see. Honestly, I’m not sure why you’re jumping to the assumption that she’s a girlfriend? Honestly, that doesn’t really fit with anything else you said. What man invites a woman over to have dinner with he and his girlfriend? Especially one with whom he’s been flirting. The only way a man would do that would be if:
a.) He was testing the waters to see if you’d be into a threesome — given that this wasn’t California in 1976, I’d shy away from making that my very first guess.
b.) He was never really flirting with you — This happens sometimes. One person’s being friendly, the other makes assumptions.
c.) He was totally kidding himself — I’ve known dudes who have done this. They like a girl who is not their girlfriend, and they introduce the two of them in an attempt to convince everyone on the earth that he does NOT like her. “What, is everybody crazy? Look! I’m introducing her to my girlfriend! If I liked her, I certainly wouldn’t do THAT!” Well….you might, rabbit, you might.
OR
MAYBE SHE WAS JUST HIS ROOMIE
Look, there’s an old saying that I can’t quite remember. It’s something about when you “assume.” Oh, this is going to keep me up all night trying to remember. Hm. Well, gosh, I’m sure it wasn’t an optimistic saying, let’s just leave it at that.
Don’t make an ass out of you and me. Or “him” I guess. Although, you didn’t say that you “assuhim’d” so I guess that’s not it either. Let’s just carry on as if this paragraph didn’t happen, shall we?
My main point here is, did you observe any girlfriend/boyfriend behavior? Or are you just assuming, “Man, Woman, House, Got it!” From what you’re telling me, I wouldn’t be so sure.
MY BIG QUESTION — DID MYSTERY WOMAN HAVE DINNER WITH YOU?
Why do I ask? Well, who invites someone upon whom they plan to leap to dinner and then springs ANYONE on them? Girlfriend, roommate, or itinerant hobo they found on the way home? (Obviously, that was a trick question — ALL hobos are itinerant. Though not all itinerants are hobos. Discuss.) Such ambush folken would likely get in the way of any potential making out, no?
So if he invited you to have dinner, and were joined by a third party, you can bet that he did NOT invite you to “dinner.” He, in fact, invited you merely to dinner. If you know what I mean. (Sex, if you do not know what I mean.) The only exception I can possibly imagine would be that if he felt that YOU would be more comfortable with such a “chaperone.” But that is so anti-getting lucky that it strains even MY overactive imagination.
Good luck, Susan. I’m sure this has all worked itself out by now. But I think the issue is, if the 3 of you had dinner together on your FIRST such dinner, it seems like a clue that he wasn’t looking for any action with you. If she didn’t have dinner with you, I’d stop making such an ass-ume of yourself!
What’s happening here, ladies? Why did this guy spring the ol’ 3rd wheel here?
Posted: July 1st, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Liz C
Time July 1, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Hate to jump in with only a ‘me too’, but that’s what I’m doing. I agree with AnneZ.
There is no way to interpret his actions as normal social behavior.
In other words, you’re fine. It’s him. Run away. And I want to hear what happened!
Comment from Sassy
Time July 1, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I really don’t have enough information. Did the roomie stay for the whole dinner? Was the conversation icky? Maybe he WAS just clueless. They are men, after all.
I agree….I want to know what happened!
Comment from Shelby
Time July 1, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Yahoo!! And I don’t mean my email address… Finally a manslation in which I get to add a comment!! When I first met my fiance, he took special care to say, “I have a female roomie named M. She was nice enough to allow me to rent on short-notice. When my ex left all my belongings in the parking lot of my workplace, M. was a kind enough person to allow me to be her roomie & there’s never been anything between us. She has a boyfriend named —.” The whole thing put me at ease, I met M and have liked her ever since.
My point is, that anyone who has an interest in dating you — even having a chance to ever sleep with you — would have taken measures to explain another female presence. If mystery woman ate with you, I truly believe that she’s his girlfriend. He probably didn’t introduce her as “girlfriend,” because he assumed you knew he was “taken.” He probably has a somewhat jealous girlfriend who said, “I want to meet Susan, your workmate. If there’s nothing going on between you, then invite her over for dinner.” So he did. He probably also wanted to thank you for help at work, since you two have a friendly work relationship. Dinner would have been a nice gesture then, in his mind. Women sometimes misthink a man’s being friendly as flirting. Robbie had many female coworkers at his old workplace and to keep the things interesting during the day, they’d all email jokes and funnies back and forth. When he left that workplace to move in with me in another city, they gave him some parting gifts. On the bottom of one of those gifts, was a phone number and an email address of one of those females. He was like, “You’ve got to be kidding me…” I said, “She misunderstood your friendly actions as flirting.” Jeff is again 100% correct! If she had dinner with you, she’s a girlfriend and you misunderstood his being nice as flirting. If she’s just a room mate, he should have explained to you that a room mate is all she is.
Comment from Selena
Time July 1, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I think I’d have had to ask. ” So, do you guys live together?” when sitting down to dinner. Or at least ask HIM what the deal was the next day.
Sure wish Susan would write back in with “the rest of the story”.
Comment from Susan
Time July 1, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Hello everyone! It’s me…SUSAN from the letter above! I was so excited to see my letter appear today “YEE HAW!” and thanks so much for your comments. Boy, I was relieved to hear that someone else had the same experience!!
I realize that I did leave a great deal out of the letter, like the previous year when a co-worker asked if he had a girlfriend or anyone he was seeing he replied NO (I know that could have changed over the course of the year, but you think SOMEONE would MENTION THAT in one of the many EMAILS exchanged!!!); yes, MONICA did stay for dinner; yes, he did continue to flirt with me in front of MONICA; I did not return the flirting as I was still DAZED and CONFUSED (“Wahhh???”) ; MONICA did not seem too happy with my presence AND she appeared to be upset that he was flirting;
Later that evening he invited me to spend the following day with him (it was Saturday) to hang out and visit some monuments and such, curiously AFTER MONICA had stated that she had to work; due to MONICA’s reaction to his flirting at the dinner table (he was seated directly across from me) and my overall confusion with the situation I declined the offer. It was all I could do to be polite and charming throughout the whole evening!
As he drove me home, no passes, simple conversation, no flirting (BIG CLUE); he walked me to the door and gave me hug and kiss on the cheek, wished me a safe trip, invited me back to dinner the next time I was in town (NO THANK YOU), and that was it.
When I sent an email to express my thanks for a lovely evening spent with him and MONICA (I know, but my parents raised me to be polite ALWAYS), SHE responded to my email! Now if that doesn’t scream “HANDS OFF MY MAN B#$%&H!” I don’t know what does!
After giving it some thought, I concluded that somewhere along the way, I must have missed a clue. When he dropped me off, if he were interested, he would have made his move and, when I emailed he would have responded himself. This, ladies and gentlman, I’ve learned from reading Manslations over the last couple of weeks.
To Mr. Manslator the Magnificent: a million thank you’s for your insightful response and for such a FABULOUS website. Congrats on our engagement!
Comment from Susan
Time July 1, 2008 at 9:53 pm
YIKES!!! I just read my entry….I meant congrats on YOUR engagement…not OUR engagement! ay yi yi….
To clarify, I did not confuse Mr. Manslator the Magnificent’s response to my letter as a request for my hand in marraige…
I’m really a quite sharp and bright girl…no really!!! That was just a typo!
Comment from Susan
Time July 1, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Just want to make sure that Mrs. Manslator-to-be doesn’t think I’M FLIRTING…heaven forbid!!!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time July 2, 2008 at 8:53 am
Susan: Holy cow. That’s actually a little creepier than I was giving him credit for. Gotta give it to him for balls though. Bring a woman home and flirt with another woman right in front of your…whatever she is?? The guy is brave. Dumb and disgusting, but brave.
Good for you for not getting caught in the web there, Susan.
(And no worries on the future Mrs. Manslator. She hasn’t actually gone so far as to kill anyone over comments on the site…yet.)
Comment from Susan
Time July 3, 2008 at 1:27 am
I suppose the other thing that I forgot to mention that *might* make a little more sense:
Mr. Two Girls is FRENCH!!!
Comment from rose
Time September 27, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Interesting story really. Now let me say I find it really funny that to us women it should have been either: he was flirting and this couldnt have been his girlfriend OR he wasnt flirting, that was his girlfriend and our heroine must have misunderstood something… Why? Why do we mutually exclude that there was something between them, and he had a girlfriend in the same time? It happens all the time. One can’t flirt on their own – it takes two for connection. It’s possible that if the girlfriend was the one that replied at your last email, that she has access to his email and that she must’ve intercepted some of your flirty emails – if you say he was flirting, he knows he was flirting and so did the girlfriend – it’s very simple. He denies, then brings you to dinner to show there is nothing going on but continues to relate to you the way he always had. Also some men could do it to increase the interest of their partner.
In conclusion, no you weren’t crazy: there was something going on there, the gf’s suspicion also proves that. The guy is just dishonest or bored and he wanted to cover his ass by introducing her to you, while probably planning to continue the same way. Also he probably tried to force himself not to like you and finally give you a clear sign at the end – kiss on the forehead. You weren’t imagining things at the time before, and the guy is totally fishy.
Comment from AnneZ
Time July 1, 2008 at 8:18 am
Wow. This exact thing happened to me. And what everyone told me was there was no possible good explanation. All answers led to Creepy Couple hunting a third or, at best, beleaguered girlfriend felt philandering was inevitable and did not object. At the very bestest, oblivious girlfriend, with obliviousness that would have Neville Chamberlain sucking in his breath, made philandering boyfriend find it unneccessary to mask his activities.
In my case, the live in girlfriend had moved in with him from hundreds of miles away and still flew back once a month to attend to her veterinary practice. I don’t think she did this to be a “roommate” only!
In my case, the woman was also introduced just as a name (which I have forgotten), not as a title. He brought her to my house. He proceeded to flirt with me right in front of her but she showed no reaction. I was flabbergasted–they didn’t mention she lived with him with till pert near the end of the professional visit (almost an hour). This had been preceded by his coming alone to my house for about 7 weeks of increasingly bold flirtations during professional visits (home veterinary care).
My answer: whatever they were up to, I wanted no part of it.
In Susan’s case, I think she was also hoodwinked into something creepy. Platonic roommates make a point of saying, “Don’t mind me, I’m going over to my sister’s, you two have a great time. Hey, date chick, this is a great guy and he talks about you all the time..” If the platonic housemate doesn’t say it, the date man should.
I think Susan and I got caught up in the same evil vortex. If he wasn’t flirting with her all that time, he would have said “Come on over and meet Monica, my girlfriend, she’d love you.” His silence speaks volumes.