manslations

Well, well, well. Lookie what we got here. In a moment of weakness, Cythera made out with the wrong dude (boy, if I had a nickel for every GUY I’ve known to make that mistake) and now he’s blabbing all over the known universe about what they did, how much he likes her, etc. The problem? She doesn’t like him. What to do, what to do?

Hey,

I need real help here! So I met this guy like a month and a bit ago at a college, at the time, I was going out with another guy. Then about three weeks later, when I had broken up with my boyfriend, and was all vulnerable like, with guy and I made out briefly. He was making me food, all these guys were trying to make out with me, some other guys were doing drugs, and so I ended up staying the night. Thank god nothing really happened. We just kissed a bit in the morning.

Now he’s telling everyone how much we made out… EVERYTHING. How much he likes me, what we have done… you name it he’s told it. I don’t really like this guy, we just don’t have a spark, you know? But now, I just don’t know how to tell him, that while it was great to get to know him, I just want to be friends. Not to mention how uncomfortable I am with him telling EVERYONE! He just won’t leave me alone, its kind of stalker creepy like! How do I make this all go away????

Help, help, help!!!!! What do I do??????

Dear Cythera,

Well, it seems like you’re probably fine here. See, these things have a funny way of working themselves now. And due to the vagaries of the time-space continuum (and the backlog of unmanslated manslations requests) I’m sure this situation has gone that way.

Also, I just want to point out — you say you just want to be friends. Uh…really? I mean, you can tell HIM that, but you don’t have to lie to all of us here at Manslations, you know. We all know what “just want to be friends” means.

That said, the main question is a good one. How do you brush someone off when you’ve already made out with them?

WELCOME TO OUR WORLD

Allow me to be the first to congratulate you, Cythera, on becoming an honorary man. (As is customary, you will receive your ID card and honorary penis in 4 to 6 weeks.) This is something that dudes deal with all the time. We were looking for a little action, maybe we did or said one or two things that, oh, MIGHT have mislead the make-out-ee about our intentions. The next day? Screwed. What to do? No worries, men have been doing this for ages. (Though not me, specifically. Somehow I don’t seem to encourage the stalker types. And for that I am somehow simultaneously very grateful, and a little hurt.)

Here are some ideas on how to dump this non-boyfriend:

1.) MAKE IT A COMPLIMENT: Look, this guy seems to be needy. Tell him all the lies a needy dude might want to hear. “Look, I was feeling vulnerable, and you’re really cute, I just couldn’t help myself. And it was totally fun. But I’m just not up for a relationship.” If you feel like you can get away with it, you can even tack on a little, “And please…I really need to be by myself, so don’t, like, tempt me, ok?” Though that might be laying it on a little thick if you’re not a really good liar.

2.) DUAL PURPOSE IT: Get really mad at him for telling everyone. Like, mad enough that you don’t want to be with him “anymore.” (As if you ever were.) This way, you’re almost granting the premise that you actually “got together” but that his behavior was SO unacceptable that you just can’t trust him. (This is a little…sneaky, to put it nicely, and I would only recommend this one if you don’t think you’re going to have to see him at all.)

3.) WHATEVER YOU DO, MAKE IT FINAL: You’re going to feel an urge to “soften” the blow by using the phrase “right now” at the end of sentences. As in, “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.” RESIST THIS URGE. Just don’t do it. He’ll friggin’ bring a sleeping bag to your door, and put up a sign that says, “UH…HOW ABOUT NOW?”

4.) IF YOU’RE GONNA LIE, LIE CORRECTLY: The other urge you’re going to feel is to give him a reason that isn’t the real reason. As in, “It’s just that you and I are in the same ChemBio class, and I just think that’s a bad idea,” or whatever it is. Again, RESIST THIS URGE. He will hear this as, “Ok, so what I need to do is drop ChemBio! Done and done!” Don’t give him something to “fix” if you still wouldn’t date him even if he fixed it.

5.) WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, RESORT TO HONESTY: And the cool part about this particular situation is, it’s going to fall somewhere in the ballpark of number 1. You WERE feeling vulnerable, and you couldn’t help yourself. This is probably the best way because it really lets him off the hook, and gives him no ways to try to “fix” the situation. And don’t give him that “let’s be friends” bullshit. Either you’ll be friends or you won’t, you don’t need to suggest it. What he needs to know in THIS recommended situation is:

• We did that and it was fun, but it was because you were cute and I was vulnerable.
• I’m sorry if I led you on about our “future” in some way but to be honest, I don’t see us like that.
• This isn’t even a “rejection.” You didn’t do anything wrong. We’re just not the right people for each other.
• I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell people the specifics about what we did — girls are private that way. (This is a lie, in a way, but it’s one he’ll believe.)
• I say let’s chalk this up to “fun, but not lasting.”

Be strong, Cythera. He might come back with, “But I think we COULD be the right people for each other…” Resist the urge to soften. “No, not for me.”

Good luck, Cythera! Dump him clean! And don’t give him “friends” nonsense.

Advice for Cythera? How to drop him and get him to let go?