manslations

Ok, we’ve got a very well-informed question today from Beth, who is frustrated that she can’t get men to talk about their feelings. I say “very well-informed” because Beth seems to understand what some of the pitfalls of this type of thing are. Her question — can’t a woman ever just talk with a man about their feelings already? How to do it?

No worries, Beth. I’ve got you covered. Beth writes:

Okay. So simple one here. Well, simple for you perhaps. Can you - once and for all (similar to the can a girl ever ask a guy out post), establish the way to have “the talk” (as in the relationship talk) with men? I find myself often in situations where I ask “what are you thinking about us” to the reaction of blank stares, stammering and a lot of semi-resentment because he feels put in a corner.

Yeah, I just soiled myself even reading that sentence. It’s definitely a bad question to start with, no two ways about it.

I’ve come around to understanding this and why this is, but is it ever possible for a woman to talk to a guy about his feelings without him thinking she’s trapping him into something? See here’s the thing, I know some women are trapping men - and I think most men have post-traumatic stress symptoms over the women who have done this to them - but what happens when a gal just literally would like to know what thoughts a man has when it comes to the relationship and when legitimately any answer is acceptable, even “i don’t know”.

Well, see, you’re already part of the way to your answer. You know that when a woman asks, “What are you thinking about us?” she might mean any number of things, right? So…how the holy hell’s he supposed to know what YOU meant if you say the same thing?

Because sometimes, we don’t know either and it’s nice once in awhile to know we’re not alone in it…but somehow that never comes across. So how do we do it? How do we talk about feelings without sending them running for the hills or totally clamming up and trying to figure out what they think we want to hear? Or is this a uniquely female brain thing that really is best done in our heads and not out loud?

Dear Beth,

Ah, the age-old story of the man who won’t talk about feelings, won’t talk about the relationship, won’t talk about…excuse me, I think I might have soiled ‘em again.

Look, some guys just don’t like talking about their feelings. In the course of a male day, there’s just no upside to talking about your feelings in this way. It’s not rewarded in most situations, it’s considered strange, and guys know it. Add in the very real possibility that this question is, in fact, a total trap, and you’ve got one scared dude.

SO WHERE DO YOU START?

The best place to begin is with what you already know — men are very aware that “What are you thinking about our relationship?” is WILDLY loaded. Playing around when you answer this question is like attempting, while hung over, to defuse a bomb that was designed by an 11 year old with ADD. (hint: not recommended.) It could mean:

• What are you thinking about our relationship?
• When are you going to pop the question already?
• I want you to be thinking XYZ about our relationship…are you?
• I am feeling unattractive today, and want you to tell me how crazy you are about me.

Or pretty much anything else. Actually, it doesn’t matter what you mean. What he thinks is, “Oh crap. Behind door number one is a big hug and a kiss, door number two is awkward, steely silence, and door number three is crying, screaming, and breaking up.”

Fun game, huh? So, how can we avoid all of that? Because, as you know, if you just ask this question (or any of it’s cousins — “Where do you see this relationship going?” “What are you thinking right now?” etc.) he’ll say any damn thing. What happens when you want the truth?

5 TIPS ON HOW TO HAVE THE TALK

1. KNOW WHAT YOU’RE REALLY ASKING: This might seem obvious. But you need to be very clear what you’re really asking him. I’ve heard some women tell me that they are fine with the ambiguity of just starting with that general question and seeing where it goes. That’s fine, but he is NOT ok with it. Figure out what you’re asking. Is it, as you say, that YOU don’t know where you’re at, and you want to see what’s up with him as well? Great. Whatever it is, you’ve got to understand it. Then…
2. ASK A BETTER QUESTION: As we’ve said, “What are you thinking about the relationship?” doesn’t sound like a real question. Too many ways to get killed in that question. It would be like if a stranger walked up to you and said, “Do you like surprises?” Well…er…who wants to know? Don’t use the Lifetime Movie wording. Be more specific. Be clear. Be direct.
3. HEAD HIM OFF AT THE PASS: You have a great understanding of what he might be afraid of. So? Tell him! Out loud! Say, “Ugh, look, I know that this is the question that all men hate to hear, but I promise, it’s not a trap. I literally just want to talk here because...” And then tell him why you want to talk about this.
4. SHOW HIM THERE ARE NO SNIPERS: Let’s face it, when a man hears this question, he feels like those standoffs in movies where everybody’s pointing guns at each other’s faces. The way they defuse that is that somebody puts their gun down, and to tells all her snipers to stand down so the other guy knows he’s not walking into a trap. As in, “I am NOT going to hang on your every word here, and throw it back in your face. There’s no wrong answer. Even if you just don’t know, we can start there, it’s fine, I promise.“
5. ACTUALLY HAVE THERE BE NO SNIPERS: Ah, see, honesty only works if it’s honest. This will NOT work if you tell him that there are no wrong answers, and then it turns out that there really ARE wrong answers and he just said one of them, and now he gets an emotional bullet to the brain. Well, to be more specific, it will work once. And then you’ll never hear a peep from him ever again. Guys may be stupid, but we’re not stupid. You can NOT tell him you won’t hold it against him and then hold it against him anyway and expect him to ever trust you again.

That’s all you really need to know, Beth. I think you’re in a fantastic starting place, being aware of the exact kind of resistance you’re up against. If you know what you really want to ask, and if you make sure HE knows that it’s not like all those other times (and in words, not by hoping he knows that real hard) you’re going to have a much better time with The Talk.

What’s your Talk secret, ladies? Any successes to report? Abject failures?