He’s Looking for THE ONE and it’s Not Her
-->Today we will hear the tale of Janie, a young lady who is with the perfect man. His one flaw — he doesn’t think that she’s the perfect woman. Let’s see if we can’t figure out what’s going on.
I have had this male friend for about 4 years now. We met by working together, only to find we actually sat together at the same table in high school, only both of us were so shy, neither of us talked!
We started getting close while we were working together at the age of about 18. We are both 21 now and we have gone through stages. He doesn’t date really, has amazing values, and tremendously hard work ethic; he has the mind set of a 45 year old business man and actually is quite the entrepreneur himself.
I, on the other hand, have the BODY of a 45 year old business man. Not as attractive a quality as the mind set thing, but we work with what we have, you know?
He once liked me when we were 18 but it quickly faded in a sense that i was a little immature with the dating scene.
Immature at 18! My god, Janie! What was WRONG with you!? (A little sarcasm for you there.)
I know he has had 1 relationship before(he was hurt) but that is it.
Yeah, yeah, we were all hurt. You know who wasn’t hurt? Boring people. I met one girl one time who didn’t have any prior relationship “issues.” Most boring person I ever spent time with, I assure you.
He goes to college in another state now, but when i visit (often) we casually hook up, but do not have sex.
Ok, so no ties or top hats then. Got it.
He mentioned to me that he doesn’t think we click and therefore does not want to have sex and risk ruining the great friendship we have.
Ah. This is…not usually quite the whole truth and nothing but. Let’s see if we can suss out what it really means.
I have dated quite a few men and i know that we have the qualities that count, even if he doesn’t see it, or chooses not to for one reason or another.
Ohhhh, Janie, this last sentence frightens me a little. This sounds dangerously like the old, “How come he doesn’t know that we are in LOVE?!” That way madness lay, my friend.
I would drop everything for this guy, and he is the only person i could see myself long term with. He takes life and relationships VERY seriously and won’t mess around with dating, he wants THE ONE even if he doesn’t marry her, he wants a long term girl who won’t hurt him.
Tell him I said good luck with that last criterion…
What do you think this means? He said the more we are together the more he likes me, but we don’t click. He mentioned once that he was afraid of getting hurt in a sense that i am pretty and may friend someone else, although it is not the case.
It’s “not the case” that you’re pretty, or it’s not the case that you would “friend” someone else? Either way, actually, it doesn’t matter. This isn’t the real story anyway. More in a sec.
I know he his searching for the right one, because he hasn’t had a companion besides me for sometime now, but i want it to be me and I am scared I’m not serious enough, and that the missing key may be personality differences but i could be wrong. Tell me what you think please! Thank you!!
Dear Janie,
Well, now is as good a time as any to drag out that old fossil, the Manslations Golden Rule. For those of you playing along at home, feel free to shout it out loud. In fact, I command you to say this phrase aloud, even if you’re at your office or a seance or funeral. Either that, or have your doctor leave a comment with your excuse why you didn’t.
Whenever there’s a difference between what a man says and what he does, ALWAYS ALWAYS IGNORE WHAT HE SAYS.
I’m not even saying that he is outright lying to you. Not at all. What I’m saying is that his words are not telling you the whole story, and they can send you down the rabbit hole trying to figure out what he might have meant (and probably annoying all the poor rabbits who have to live down there with Neo and Morpheus and all of the confused people who end up hanging around down there.)
So, forgetting for a moment anything he might have said to you, what’s he doing?
- Hooking up with you casually
- Refusing to sleep with you (again, forget the reasons he gave)
- Not dating you, even though he’s not dating anyone else
I’m afraid what we’ve got here is a man who is not interested in dating you, and is taking some pains to make sure it doesn’t happen. I mean, either that or I accidentally woke up in Bizarro World this morning, and everything is opposite from how I understand it to work.
The “refusing to sleep with you” part is a big clue to me here. The main reason why a man wouldn’t allow that to happen even when it is clearly being offered is because it messes with his exit strategy. See, most decent guys know that if they sleep with a woman, there’s a decent chance that she’s going to make more of it than just “fun.” And if he’s planning on not dating her, he’s basically setting himself up for much more difficult ending. It will be harder for him to bail if they’ve had sex.
I’m sorry that I don’t have better news for you, Janie. But he doesn’t seem to be giving you much reason to hope. My advice is to move on to more Janie-friendly pastures. You don’t want your “ONE” to be unsure that YOU’re the one, that’s for sure.
Ladies, how about a little advice for our friend Janie here? Ever been there before? How’d you get over him?
Posted: July 9th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from C
Time July 9, 2008 at 11:20 am
Maybe he’s just not interested in you romantically. He did, after all, say that you didn’t click.
The talk about not wanting to get hurt…This could be his (immature) way of letting you down without actually letting you down.
Janie, as young as you are, I’m sure you will be breaking a lot of hearts as well. You will meet lots of great guys that just aren’t ‘the one’. Doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with them. They just aren’t right for you. And you might find yourself making the same excuses. (I’m not ready for a relationship, it’s not you, it’s me, I don’t want to get hurt).
Comment from Cindy
Time July 9, 2008 at 11:22 am
Uh, could he be gay??? I haven’t heard of many 21 year old guys who will “Not Sleep With Someone for Fear of Ruining the Friendship”. Gay. Definitely Gay.
Comment from catherine
Time July 9, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Sounds to me like this guy has issues…. and your interest level is way too high. So you wear your rosy glasses to avoid the plain reality that he has been telling you: He is not interested.
Comment from thursdaynext
Time July 9, 2008 at 12:52 pm
i admit that my gaydar pinged a bit. however, you both are so young! I’m 27 and 21 feels like worlds ago. Go out and date other people, & have fun!
Comment from Robin
Time July 9, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I was in the same boat recently; spent my time chasing after a guy I was into and I thought was into me; and I just KNEW that this was my perfect guy, i.e. I couldn’t see myself with anyone but HIM.
I finally got the message loud and clear that he just wasn’t into me like that. Even though I made it crystal clear I really dug him, he never returned my advances and our “relationship” never evolved past the friendship level.
Finally, I accepted that we were just never going to be a romantic couple. Shortly thereafter, I met a really nice guy whom I really, really dig AND the icing on the cake is he thinks I’m THE BEES KNEES (or the BIZ-OMB as you youngsters say!!) and loves me to PEICES.
A stark contrast from Mister Let’s Just Be Friends! Looking back, I can’t believe I wasted my time with the other guy and can’t believe I thought he was the ONE.
In sum: Don’t waste anymore of your time on your Mr. Friend Guy. You’re young, you’re attractive and you deserve to be with someone who is into you as much as you are into them! And THAT is the truly the BIZ-OMB!!!
Comment from thursdaynext
Time July 9, 2008 at 2:14 pm
amen sister!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 9, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Dears, all excellent points and “definitely” re-Ms. Cindy’s perspective–however youthful He be, t’is Possible! BUT:
[1] DearJM: Feeling a whiplash now because despite my class naps, recall your some-time-ago advice that when ManActs 2 exclude SexActs, that can hint ‘His’ longterm amorous interest. No is No is NO; Maybe, misread my notes !
[2] Also…This Fella “takes..relationships very seriously” by NOT taking ANY! Let’s call him out on that one!
[3] Also…’He’ thinks Ms. Janie is pretty and ‘He” feels insecure? that he’ll be replaced and be hurt, makes a wonder why He cares IF there’s no clicking; call him out, again!
[4] Dear Janie: Sure, ‘gaydar’ shouldn’t be a when-in-doubt default option, so cast a wider net. While ‘calling’ Him out, really shake the cage–ask him about boys. On a Brightside–your heart seems strong. Word/touch sweetness can’t hurt.
Sooo, Have a JM-type no-punches-held TALK, posed as something good for both. Maturity doesn’t involve [unless it's been a very hard week!] having ‘anything’ both ways. Remind Him to be true to self, first. IF U2 Rfriends, work for some mutual enhancement–especially, because FRIENDS!
Comment from Amelie
Time July 9, 2008 at 5:26 pm
It just seems he is trying to let her down gently. Why is it every time a guy doesn’t like a girl he automatically gets categorized as somehow damaged or gay etc? If this guy slept with her knowing he wasn’t that interested, we would think he is a pig and would bag on him for that. It seems like a no-win for the dudes a lot of the time…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 9, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Dear Amelie…..Letting “down gently” is kinda piggish2! Lettuce Girls NOT be so weak-hearted that we need menfolk to, pretty please be gentle–sorta deceive us & we’ll call it a politesse!
Honesty is REAL gentleness, of a Lady or a Gentleman; we can light that candle rather than merely cursing shadows.
On that famous 7th hand: maybe our Mission Mantra [sorry! JM] should be “Ignore-What-He-Says PLUS Notice-What-He-Does PLUS Believe-Opposite-Of-What-He-Says”! After ALL
that work: Chill with a frozen banana–quite tastee, cool thrill!
Comment from Murray
Time July 10, 2008 at 3:28 am
Amelie, great comments and reality check. I don’t think there’s a shred of evidence that the man in question here is gay. Part of the picture here is that he has had a bad relationship with one woman (who is still on his mind) and seems like he is being avoidant as a result. Janie, I really wouldn’t probe him on the ‘gay’ issue. It certainly would not increase his comfort levels with you, and no-one is gay unless they have come to that conclusion for themselves. To me, he sounds great but reluctant to get involved in a romantic relationship with you, and he’s allowed to feel that way, just as you would be if a guy were pursuing you, and you liked his company but you just didn’t feel right about getting closer to him. His views on what relationships are like seem a bit un-formed and unrealistic. I spent some time years ago pursuing a woman with whom *I* felt I got on like a house on fire but she said that we didn’t ‘click’. Eventually we had a relationship but it was not a happy one, really, as of course, the ‘click’ never came for her. He seems to have expectations about how a connection with another person should feel that are maybe a little unrealistic, but it could take him a very long time to examine and lower this barrier he has built. Step back, give yourself a break from thinking about him, get meeting new people, and have fun!
Comment from Selena
Time July 10, 2008 at 8:00 am
My take is the same as Murray’s.
Janie, have you ever had someone have a crush on you that you thought, “Uh no. There just isn’t anything there for me.”? Could have been a perfectly nice guy, but the “spark” just wasn’t there for you. That is what your friend is trying to tell you, but you don’t want to here it.
Sure it’s possible the guy could be gay, or immature, or still hurt from his previous relationship–but it is just as likely he means exactly what he’s saying–he’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you. He likes you, but he doesn’t feel “IT”. In this case, his words ARE congruent with his actions. Stop waiting around hoping he will magically change his mind. Get out there and date others and stop wasting your time fantasing over him.
Comment from AnneZ
Time July 9, 2008 at 10:09 am
He may have “the mind” of a 45 year old man–in the eyes of a 21 year old girl. He sure doesn’t have the experience of one. He’s trying to find the perfect girl who will never hurt him by dating…no one?
Janie, this young man either has a terrible secret that is the real reason that keeps him from “getting out there” or he is setting himself up for crazy town, disullusionment, dank bitterness. People hurt each other. Period. We don’t necessarily mean to, but during any relationship between anybody ever, someone is insensitive to someone else’s feelings. He is going to have a looooong wait.
So, I would have to say, not only is Jeff’s bottom line absolutely correct–this fellow does not want to date you –but you shouldn’t want to date him, either. Let him dream his dreams of a plastic, shrink wrapped, factory sanitized Girl-O-Matic….you go on out into the real world. Spend less time with him. Get “out there” yourself. You’ll grow up faster than him and find more love and joy.
Special commendation to Jeff for his remarks about “hurt.” Yeah, we’ve all been hurt. Why do people think they should get a special pass? We’ve all got stories. Just try not to make the same mistakes too often because there won’t be any room for new ones….