Meek and Chic Tomboy Seeks Man Who Doesn’t Run Away
-->Lola used to be an expert on men (err…maybe) until she was suddenly single and forced to ask some serious questions about herself. She’s decided to 86 the young’uns and date more mature dudes. Trouble is, they keep vanishing on her!
<seinfeld voice>What…is the deal…with that?!</seinfeld voice>
Hi Jeff-
So, I used to be an expert on men…or at least I thought. Until my last serious relationship ended about 8 months ago. This man (younger) made me consider and think things about myself that never before crossed my mind…and most of them weren’t positive. I work too much, I like to put fun pictures on myspace, I don’t have many friends left from high school. Thus, the demise of our courtship.
Wait…you broke up in part because you like to put up fun pictures on myspace? I don’t follow. Unless, you know, these pictures are far more “fun” than I’m imagining. (I’m imagining pictures of french bulldogs wearing sweaters and/or hilarious hats, if that helps.)
Which takes me into a new realm again. I recently turned 30 and decided no more younger guys. I wanted confident men, secure men that were ok with the way I am…I mean, really…what’s so bad about making a decent paycheck???
Yeah, that seems like it might not be such a negative for a guy who was ok with himself. (Oh, unless it’s 1954 where you are.)
So, I set my standard. I will admit to being a little meek, this is the first time I’ve been back on the market in like 4 years. I’m not over-dependent, I’m fun, and am what I like to call the “chic tomboy”. I look good and enjoy all the boy stuff…
Well, my dating situations in the past few months have been scary. And the past two really irked me. Both fantastic guys, meeting the above criteria, disappeared. I mean, one day I’m talking to them, we’re going out to dinner, and the next day…and the days to follow, nothing. How does this happen? I SWEAR I’m not pushing for too much (I’m one of the most laidback chicks EVER) or asking for commitment…these were early stages. Heck, meeting new men and having them involved in my life would be fine.
Am I putting off some sort of vibe that I just don’t know about? Help me!!!
Dear Lola,
Well, unless you took your pseudonym because of your resemblance to the heroine of the Kinks song Lola, I don’t think you have anything to worry about, really. What you seem to have come up against was just the end of these relationships. Nothing more sinister or weird than the fact that you hit the moment when he just realized that you two weren’t working. After all, this moment happens in virtually every relationship, right? Like, all but the last one in your life.
BUT WHY DO THEY JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT?
Answer: Cowardice.
That’s not the whole story, but it’s as good a short version as any. I guess the point is, from a functional standpoint, what’s the purpose of sticking around after you don’t want to? Especially that early on? I mean, what would be the upside for him to try to explain to you WHY he was no longer interested in dating you?
There’s never a mystery as to why someone breaks up with someone else. The real reason is always the same thing. “I would rather not be with you than be with you.” Period.
And the reason that dudes do their little vanishing act is that it’s easier. Lots of guys, when they see that there’s no future in the relationship, decide that there’s no point in having any more of a present either.
ARE YOU PUTTING OUT BAD VIBES? BAD MOJO? BAD JUJU?
Well, since I don’t know what YOU are doing in these situations, I can’t say for sure. What I can say is that THEIR behavior doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with what you’re putting out there. It has everything to do with them wanting out, and taking the path of least resistance. (i.e. slinking off into the night without a word.)
Good luck, Lola. All you can do is keep looking, out at that club in old Soho. And at that moment, when you squeeze him tight and nearly break his spine, you’ll know. Seriously, though. This isn’t necessarily about you at all. It’s just the way many guys bail out. (And…er…sorry about that.)
Oh ladies? Any of you experience a man disappearing without a trace? No, no one’s had that happen, right?
Posted: July 10th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from KC
Time July 10, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Lola - your entry was eerily familiar. In the last two years I’ve dated 2 guys, both younger - that didn’t work out. I too am 30. The second guy broke up with me out of the blue after spending 4 months together in a seemingly super happy relationship?! Who knows.. in the end - I just chalked it up to the fact that they really don’t know what they want yet. Recenty I’ve met a FANTASTIC guy who’s also older…. hope this one works out!! : ) Anyhoo… enough about myself - what I wanted to say was the following things that I’ve learned through these experiences:
1) Most important learning: Attitude is everything. Stay positive, spin bad things positively - don’t let crappy odd events get you down - in the end, it’s their problem - not yours. Life is too short to let things get you down. Also, men have this weird 6th sense that picks up on negativity… even if you think you’re doing a good job at hiding it…. maybe that’s why those guys bailed?
2) I can’t explain it but if you try to stay positive, it shortens the amount of time it takes to get over someone. No joke, take a week or so, reflect, mourn, stay positive and be blown away with how quick you’re able to move on! Again - life is too short to dwell on crap
3) No matter how down you feel - if you’re fabulous, and you’re out there - he’s out there too. I never dreamt I would meet a guy better than my last boyfriend, but amazingly I have… he was out there just waiting to be found!! : )
Hope that helps!!
KC
Comment from Tasha
Time July 16, 2008 at 2:25 am
Hi Lola,
This younger guy bailing out sounds soooo familiar. I was in a relationship with a younger guy for 2 years then he started dissappearing till one day he dissappeared. I found out that he had met a girl his age and decided to leave since he wasnt looking for a serious relationship with me (of course I didnt know that but found out through his friends).
Another story, recently, I dated another younger guy who pursued me for 6 months before asking me out. We went out on two dates before he almost dissappeared. Well, he kept calling and making lame excuses and waited for me to end it by confronting him. When I did he admitted that he didnt want anything serious and so he thought it would be best if he just let things as they were (the constant calling was sheer guilt….he felt bad about having made his decision and just wanted to be “polite”…whatever).
What I’m trying to say here is that it is best when they vanish. You know then that they do not want to continue seeing you. Imagine receiving calls and text from a guy that DOESNT want to date you but feels too guilty telling you!!! Its not nice. You date but you dont date.
It’s not necessarily YOU. Its them. Perhaps you are a great, fun loving girl who indeed has it all together and perhaps this scares them away (in the sense that they can feel you are relationship material and at the stage they are in life they dont want a relationship). Saddly, men tend to date first and think later.
So I think you should concentrate on dating men around your age group (29+). That way you have more chances of them recognising how wonderful you are!!
All the best
Comment from Selena
Time July 10, 2008 at 12:58 pm
It’s happened to me. I dated this guy for 3 weeks. The last week I saw him almost everyday. Then poof! Never heard from him again. I spent weeks wondering what the hell happened. Oh well.
Lola, I don’t know if you are giving out any kind of “vibes” or not. But I think the way to look at is, the disappearing guys are actually doing you a favor. Better to have them disappear early on than flake out on you later after you have become attached. Just for the hell of it, why not give them the benefit of doubt for realizing they weren’t for you and bailing out rather than wasting any more of your time. Works for me.