The Phantom Breakup - Did She Miss the Signs?
-->A reader calling herself “Kim the Caring” was dating what seemed to be her perfect man. (Let’s call him “William the Conqueror” to keep the nomenclatures lined up properly.) At a little over 3 months — right after asking her to go on a weekend away, mind you — he lowered the boom. Dumped her. Buh-bye. Don’t let all your unanswered questions smack you on the ass on the way out.
The request is kind of long (full text at the bottom) but Kim the Caring has kindly bullet pointed it FOR me. (Now that IS caring!) Here’s what he said when he dumped her:
* I’ve been thinking about this for a month now and I think we’re too different (huh?! but we get along so well! - why would you continue trying so hard if you knew for a month you weren’t sure??)
* I’m on a mission to find a wife, and I don’t think your my soulmate (wow - I didn’t know I was being so scruitinized?!)
* I don’t want to waste any more of your time (thank g-d!!)
Now, right here we have an interesting example of a man’s words lining up perfectly with his actions. Well, except for that last one about not wanting to waste any more of YOUR time. (That one’s usually a way of saying that he doesn’t want to waste any more of HIS time.)
But as for those first two, it seems like he might just be telling you the exact truth. He’d been thinking for a month that you two were not a good fit. Doesn’t mean that he didn’t WANT you two to be a good fit. In fact, with the whole “weekend getaway”, I’d say that he was trying pretty hard to MAKE you two fit. But there came a moment when he couldn’t kid himself anymore. Ergo, la dump.
THE MISSION TO FIND A WIFE
This one may or may not be the truth, but it certainly wouldn’t be the first time if it was. I can’t say that I’ve ever been on a “mission” to find a wife, but I will say this. There have been plenty of times when I was with someone and I knew I didn’t want to be with her forever, so that’s when it ended. I know, I know, all relationships don’t have to last forever. Sure, of course. But for some guys, there are times when you think, “Well, why am I pushing to make this thing work now when I KNOW it ain’t going to be working out forever? Why not just cut to the chase, here?”
Ergo, la dump
THE SIGNS
Kim also goes on to list what she feels MAY have been the signs that he was not the right guy:
* He had high expectations for everything… maybe I didn’t meet his expectations somehow? Wish I knew why…
* He loved having his friends around -especially one male friend in particular (who doesn’t right?)
* He had bad taste in furniture and furnishings? (what guy doesn’t hahahah)
* His favorite musician is Alicia Keys (I always did think that was a little weird)
* Why was this tall/handsome/sweet guy single to begin with??
I think that given this list, the truth is obvious. He dumped you because he wanted to spend more time with Alicia Keys.
But seriously, folks.
Your reasons 2 through 5 seem to be implying that maybe he had hopped the fence and was playing for the other team? Well, sure, I suppose it’s possible. But in a way, it doesn’t really matter what his reasons were. The point is, you put yourself out there and tried. So what if you got your heart stomped on a little?
Seriously, imagine some little old lady who never had her heart broken? Jealous of her? No, because the only way you can never get your heart broken is if you have never been with anyone, ever, ever, ever. Of course you don’t want to be that woman. I mean, look at her — you can barely even see her from behind all the cats.
Look, it sounds polyanna to say, “Well, getting your heart broken is a good thing!” I’m not really saying that. All I’m saying is, there may very well have BEEN no signs, and you likely will never know the reason. And it might be just this way in the future. Getting dumped sucks, and we look for all kinds of ways to make it suck less. But it doesn’t suck less. Not even if you know why it happened. Not even if you figure out how to spot this in the future.
What I am saying, Kim the Caring, is that getting dumped would not suck less, no matter WHAT you could find out about his reasons. Move on to the next lucky person with “the” for a middle name. May I suggest Richard the Lionhearted?
What’s your take, ladies? Did she miss the signs? Or are there signs in the first place?
—————
full text of request
Hi Jeff,
I am a huge fan of your site. Glad I kept up to date with it over the last few months… Get a load of this little story I have to tell. I would love your male perspective..
Well, here goes nothing…
Long long ago (4 months ago) a 30 year old girl (that’s me) met a 29 year old guy online who seemed like a dream come true. He was everything she had ever hoped for. Sweet, caring, doting, responsible, affectionate, goal oriented, confident, handsome etc etc. From day one, everything just seemed perfect. He was of the same religious background as the girl (again me) and they just seemed to “jive” together. For 4 months he courted the girl like a gentleman should. The hung out at least 4 days a week (all weekend almost every weekend and a night or two during the week),took her out to dinners, called her often, sent her sweet emails telling her how pretty she was, how much he missed her and couldn’t wait to see her next. Things were great in the bedroom! He even once said that he was so happy and had never felt this way in a relationship before. Things seemed like they were perfect - she had finally met the man she would probably marry. She was elated when one day (two weeks ago), he even surprised her and invited her on a long weekend getaway. Then, out of the blue, with no signs (and believe me - she’s been in enough crappy relationships to recognize “the signs”) he showed up at her place to break up with her. She was stunned, and she’s still in shock!! She totally didn’t see it coming… WHAT THE HECK JEFF!? Please tell me you have some insight as to why a guy would go to all this trouble?
This was what he told me:
* I’ve been thinking about this for a month now and I think we’re too different (huh?! but we get along so well! - why would you continue trying so hard if you knew for a month you weren’t sure??)
* I’m on a mission to find a wife, and I don’t think your my soulmate (wow - I didn’t know I was being so scruitinized?!)
* I don’t want to waste any more of your time (thank g-d!!)
Bizarre eh?
So, I’ve racked my brain trying to figure out if I missed any signs, and this is what I could come up with:
* He had high expectations for everything… maybe I didn’t meet his expectations somehow? Wish I knew why…
* He loved having his friends around -especially one male friend in particular (who doesn’t right?)
* He had bad taste in furniture and furnishings? (what guy doesn’t hahahah)
* His favorite musician is Alicia Keys (I always did think that was a little weird)
* Why was this tall/handsome/sweet guy single to begin with??
That’s it… can’t wait to hear your manslation on this one!!
Posted: July 11th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Cindy
Time July 11, 2008 at 11:58 am
Are you really being honest about what YOU want in a guy? I know you said he was (or seemed?) perfect, but do you really want to be with a man (for the rest of your life…) who places high expectations on everything? Trust me, I’ve been there. My girlfriends started calling me “Stepford”, & I convinced myself that if I was just perfect enough, if the house was just perfect enough, if the dinner parties were just perfect enough, he would continue to love me. He had conditions on his love based on high expectations. It wasn’t pretty. And when the train stopped at the station & I finally got off, I was EXHAUSTED! You’re better off to find a man who loves and accepts you for YOU. I know that it’s a bit hard on the ego to be dumped, but if you reach deep down & come from your place of highest self-esteem, perhaps you can turn it around and see that this guy actually did you a favor by not wasting an extrodinary amount of your time.
Comment from Robin
Time July 11, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Amen Cindy!!! I agree. The high expectations statement creeped me out right away; that would have been a red flag for me to run fast and far in the opposite direction.
Be glad it ended in the way it did. It could have been much worse, i.e. you spending a significant amount of your precioius life trying to live up to ideals that aren’t even YOU or what YOU want to be.
I also thought that since you met him online, could it be possible that your guy was still “fishing” i.e. still had his rod cast in the internet pool of love while you were dating?
Unless he specified that your relationship was exclusive and he removed his online profile, I think it is possible that he met someone else that he clicked with and wanted to explore the possibilities with.
The whole surprise break up thing sucks, I know, but I’d give him some credit (just an ever so TINY BIT mind you) for not continuing to lead you on.
You are wonderful just as you are and you WILL find someone who loves and accepts you just as you are.
Comment from Cyn
Time July 11, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Are this guy and my ex-boyfriend related??? Sort of kidding, but not really!
Kim, I am very sorry, but believe me -you have dodged a bullet. It hurts like heck when you are told these things and above everything else, don’t doubt yourself for even one second. He isn’t worth it, and as Cindy put it, you don’t want to be with a guy who has these unrealistically high expectations. Good luck and hugs to you, sweetie!
Comment from Kim the Caring
Time July 11, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Thanks guys! Good news / update - met someone since I submitted this manslation… he’s FANTASTIC and now I can look back and say “if it wasn’t for Mr. Alicia Keys, I wouldn’t have met the new man!” So all in all, you’re right - it hurts when it happens, but you never know what’s waiting for you just around the corner!! Woo Hoo life is good! : )
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 11, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Dear Kim the Caring: Woo Hoo and Ooh LaLa to U2 for a good and sweet Lovelife. We’ll call him, Richard! That makes the best comeuppance for Mr.Alcia Keys but we can wish sweets 2him!
BTW, Dear JM: BeGentle as you step….there’s some Pink Toes attached to “little old lady” fans of yours Out Here. Even cats have been known to break hearts but recovery is quicker because they show no paws B4 heading 4the hills.
Happiest Hills, Kim & Him!
Comment from cath
Time July 12, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Jeff - you are INCREDIBLY cute. Shame you live in the States and I am in Europe.
End of compliment.
Love reading your manslations.
When is the book being published? There must be a book, right?
Cathy xx
Comment from Amelie
Time July 12, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Hi Cathy,
If you have read through any of the old posts you would have seen Jeff’s announcements of both his book and his engagement 
Comment from Freddy
Time July 19, 2008 at 1:33 am
Boy, I just went through something like this and it does SUCK! I’m a guy and I was with this really GREAT gal, and in my heart of hearts I know that I tried and tried hard for us to fit because we had so many things in common and unbelievable chemistry etc.
But the bottom line she had issues with “substances” and alcohol that she seemed to not consider issues. Spending 4 straight days together made me realize that she really didn’t care to alter her habits. I too saw signs prior to the break up, but kept thinking that given enough time things would turn around and she’d realize that the chemical “assistance” wasn’t needed and that we really could and would be a good fit.
Result: very hurt feelings all the way around.
Lesson here (I think) is be aware of behavior issues and address them EARLY! Chances are, you can’t change some of them.
The whole thing has made me very sad as it’s more than hard to see a smart, attractive “together” in so many ways, person abuse substances and take away an opportunity for two people to be happy together.
Comment from Selena
Time July 11, 2008 at 7:07 am
I have an evolving theory that attraction is a double blind study. That is, on down the line we tend to see all those red flags we were blind to (or ignored) during the initial *rush* of attraction. Couldn’t it be also true that intense attraction makes us “see” more than is actually there? It’s not always a matter of missing signs, but sometimes embellishing, or creating them to reinforce the belief that the other person really is into us as much as we are into them. This theory can go toward explaining why we are so surprised when someone seemingly dumps us out of the blue. All the signs of interest were there, how could we misread the other person so badly? Perhaps because we what we were attributing as signs of love, were for the other person merely signs of friendliness, courtesy, a willingness to have a good time. Possible in your case Kim?
As far as you not meeting his expectations: Well, have you ever gone out with someone you liked, but understood on a fundamental level that they just weren’t for you? Maybe you could articulate it in terms of expectations, but wasn’t it more likely it was a ‘gut feeling’? I think that’s what happened with this guy. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with you, he just felt on a gut level that you weren’t the one for him and he didn’t want to continue stringing you along knowing he felt that way. Probably the last month and the weekend getaway were about determining that for sure before doing something final like ending it with.
It does sound like he was doing his best to be as honest as possible and attempting to spare your feelings. Still hurts anyway I know. But better after 4 mos. than a year or more, yes?