manslations

We have double-J JJenny, back for an update. Her man is busy, busy, busy, and she’s trying to decide if he’s worth the wait. Let’s see what we can do here:

Hello again.  I am in need of an “updated” Manslation if possible….

I wrote in about 4 months ago about someone I’ve been dating steadily (now for over 1 year).  Just a quick recap, I’m recently divorced, he’s divorced about 4 years, I have a young child.  He currenly attends college at night and works during the day.  I work full time as well.   My problem has been that I don’t feel like I get enough attention (quality or quantity, I’ll take either) from him.  We started out seeing each other a few hours each Saturday and eventually moved up to 2X a week when HIS schedule permitted (i.e., during the summer when he has no school).  Being that he has a busy schedule and I don’t (usually), I tell him I wish we could see each other more often, have more contact some how, etc.  He hasn’t really brought up any long-term plans (as far as being together, possible marriage or living together).  I don’t know what he wants.  He seems to like for me to assume things, and we all know what happens when we ASSUME.  I think he wants me to wait around for him to graduate college and take it from there to make plans.  He does not have the greatest job right now, it just happens to suit his schedule.

Anyway, he wants to get to know my kid and is very loyal and has never broken a date nor does he ever seem to play games. He is one of the “good ones”.  He does seem to want to try to work things out (I think).  I think my problem is that I can’t decide if this situation makes me happy or not?  Should I wait it out or does the frustration of waiting and not knowing for sure not make it worth it?  We’re both in our early forties so there’s not a whole lot of time I have to wait around.

Thanks again for your assistance and best of luck with your book!

Dear JJenny,

I don’t know…sounds to me like your man isn’t the only one doing a bit of assuming here. Not that it’s your fault either. That’s just what happens when two people are with each other in some ways, but keeping important things separate. From your perspective you’re sitting there with this giant elephant in the room, and from his perspective it’s not an elephant. It’s just…I don’t know, a couch with a trunk and big floppy ears. It’s not my best metaphor, I realize. (Sadly it is also not my worst.)

PROS AND CONS

In terms of what makes you happy, hey, I say do whatever makes you ha– Oh, right. Can’t really use that saying in this situation. The point is that only you can decide what makes you happy. But let’s take a look at what you say about your relationship:

PROS

• Wants to get to know your kid
• Very loyal.
• Never broken a date or played games
• One of the “good ones”
• Seems (you think) to want to work things out.

CONS

• Doesn’t give you as much attention (quantity or quality) as you want.
• Hasn’t brought up long-term plans with you

Now, I’m no mathematician (thank great Odin for that — and I’m sure the mathematicians of the world will agree) but it seems like the pros are winning 5 to 2. Not that that matters. If those two are more important than the five, well, that’s that, right?

But here’s the thing. The things on the “pro” list? Yeah, you can’t teach a guy those things. The things on the “con” list are not necessarily calculated things — as in, they seem to be in line with some pretty common male “default” positions. And they might be able to be addressed.

WHAAAAA? JEFF MAC, ARE YOU SUGGESTING SHE CHANGE HER MAN?

Yes and no. See, the problem that comes from trying to change a man are when you try to change his FUNDAMENTAL makeup. As in, “He is a total prick, like, all the time. I bet if he were in love with me, he’d stop being a prick!” Now, of course I know that none of YOU have ever thought anything like that. Well, not unless he played guitar…

But see, the things that you don’t like are, in fact, addressable. Now, that doesn’t mean he’s going to DO it. But it’s at least possible.

I NEVER TALKED ABOUT THE FUTURE…BUT I LEARNED

I never talked about getting married. Like, ever. Now, did that mean I didn’t love my lady fair (and my newly enfianced one) enough to spend the rest of my life with her? Nope. Not at all. That’s exactly what I wanted to do, virtually from the git-go.  What it meant was that talking about marriage wasn’t important to me. Getting married wasn’t a priority for me — I was happy just being with her. Marriage wasn’t something that I needed to discuss or even think about, and it certainly had no relationship to how I felt about her.

Now…ahem…my lady fair…er…told me in the most…um…gentle way possible that this sort of talk in fact WAS important to her. Ok, she got pretty upset. And we had a…fairly loud conversation.

The point isn’t that you should get really upset with your dude. But I’ll tell you this much — until that moment, I really didn’t know how important it was to her to talk about getting married. And you know what? It was in that moment when I realized how UNimportant it was to me to continue NOT talking about it. Ergo, we talked about it. And now we’re doin’ it.

HE MIGHT BE DOING SOME ASSUMING ALONG WITH YOU

JJenny, he might genuinely not know how close you are to deciding that what he’s giving you isn’t enough. He might assume you’re like him  — he might truly not know that these things are as important to you as they are. Clearly, they are not to him, even though he seems pretty damn committed to you, given how you describe him.

Honesty, JJenny. Honesty shall win the day. Who knows? You might find that he will be willing to give you the things you need, if he knows how important to you they really are.

What’s your advice miladies? How can she get what she wants? (Other than by the only REAL way which is actually asking for it directly.)