5 Reasons NEVER to Make Him “Chase” You.
Request today from Shannon, who’s been with her man for about 3 months and is looking to become exclusive. She’s been doing some research on how to go about it. Here’s the money quote from her request:
I have done some searching on the internet and dating advice sites as well as discussing this with other friends, and the idea or strategy that has come up the most frequently is simply to back off for a while and give him some space so that theoretically he will come to me wanting more, etc. I guess that’s the whole idea of ‘men like to chase.’ This is my primary question, does this actually work??? Is it a good idea to back off for a bit and create a space to see if the guy will come to me? Or is this scheme one of those half-baked Cosmo creations? It seems possible to me that this might appear to be a lack of interest on my part and might make him even less interested in committing, but then that’s why I’m asking a guy, right.
Dear Shannon,
For the love of all that is holy and sacred, NO NO NO. Holy crap, no. This is just not a good idea. I don’t know who came up with it, but I couldn’t disagree with it more. It goes reminds me of that that old book, “The Rules,” which could also have been titled, “The Rules for Tricking a Dumb Guy Into Marrying You, Guaranteeing Boredom and Divorce.”
5 REASONS YOU SHOULD NEVER, NEVER MAKE A MAN “CHASE” YOU
- IT’S BASED ENTIRELY ON A LIE: What are you communicating with this behavior? You’re saying, “I’m not that interested in you. You’re not that important to me. I could take you or leave you.” Now, if those things are true, you SHOULD leave him. But if they’re not, don’t pretend they are. What, are you going to trick him into thinking you don’t like him and then he’s going to…what? Try to figure out how to trick you INTO liking him? Sounds awesome, doesn’t it?
- WON’T WORK ON THE RIGHT GUY: If someone were to act like she didn’t want to spend time with me, you know what I’d take away from that? Er…that she didn’t want to spend time with me. I’m not going to try to figure out ways to try to convince some woman who doesn’t like me to like me. (Or at least I won’t do it for more than 8 years or so.)
- WILL WORK LIKE A CHARM ON THE WRONG GUY: You know who likes to “chase” women? Men who consider women “prey.” Players. Bags filled to the brim with douche. If you can trick a guy into chasing you, it won’t be for the right reasons.
- IF YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT THIS WAY, YOU DON’T WANT IT: So, you trick him into changing his behavior by pulling this crap. One of two things will happen. Maybe two of two things. You won’t respect him for falling for such a hare-brained scheme. And/or he will feel like he was tricked. Fun!
- BAD FOUNDATION: Somewhere along the way, I’ve actually heard people tell women to be dishonest in the beginning until you’ve gotten the dude to marry you. And THEN you can be yourself. Uh, are you effing kidding me? That is one of THE most spectacularly misinformed things I’ve ever heard. Here’s why. One, you’re not Meryl Streep. He’s going to see who you ARE, not who you think you’re showing him. And if he doesn’t see the real you…can he be much of a good guy? Can this relationship be worth its weight in dead haddock if THIS is how you have to get it going?
Don’t do it, Shannon. Ever. A good relationship can withstand you actually, you know, ASKING for what you want. Or at least it had better be. I promise you that if he responds badly to you asking for what you want, you would NOT have been better off by trying to bamboozle him with this “chase” crap.
What’s your advice ladies? Ever gotten a guy to chase you, and then been together forever, happily ever after, amen?
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(full text of request follows)
Hello,
I have a question that I have been thinking about and even ‘researching’ for some time and I hope you can give me some good advice that is straight from the horse’s mouth so to speak.
I have been dating a man for about three months and he is still seeing other women and I really want things to become exclusive -Btw I have read your post regarding how long to wait for exclusivity, but I have a additional concern, please keep reading…
This man talks about the future to a pretty large degree and makes plans for even several months from now, and he has made good on plans so far, etc. So, he doesn’t seem to fit the stereotypical commitment phobe. He dropped hints about needing some time to “clear his head” before jumping back into a relationship because he has recently been through a bad string of them.
I know that he likes me and we get along fantastically, the problem is that I am having trouble maintaining emotional distance and I am starting to fall for him. Now, I really do want exclusivity, but I don’t know if pushing the issue right now is important enough to me to risk losing the greatest guy I’ve ever met, but at the same time I know that if I allow things to continue as they are I will become more attached to him and he might not reciprocate such feelings.
I have done some searching on the internet and dating advice sites as well as discussing this with other friends, and the idea or strategy that has come up the most frequently is simply to back off for a while and give him some space so that theoretically he will come to me wanting more, etc. I guess that’s the whole idea of ‘men like to chase.’ This is my primary question, does this actually work??? Is it a good idea to back off for a bit and create a space to see if the guy will come to me? Or is this scheme one of those half-baked Cosmo creations? It seems possible to me that this might appear to be a lack of interest on my part and might make him even less interested in committing, but then that’s why I’m asking a guy, right.
At this point, I am leaning toward trying the above strategy for a time and then perhaps having the dreaded exclusivity chat at a later time, but I truly do not know what the best course would be. Your input would be greatly appreciated, Mr. Mac, and I thank you very much for your time.
Regards,
Shannon
Posted: July 16th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Angel
Time July 16, 2008 at 11:39 am
sorry for the typos 
– and one more thing. The backing off subtly part should (and I use this word loosely – bc who am I to tell someone else what they should or shouldn’t do) only occur after you make your desires known and if he doesn’t seem to want what you want – so many ppl get caught up sniffing behind a man/woman who doesn’t want them! I think the backing off is so that you maintain your dignity as well as giving the other person some space toy either miss you or not…just my opinion.
Comment from Angel
Time July 16, 2008 at 11:41 am
space to, not toy (ay!) – Jeff we need spell check!! lol – take care and best of luck Shannon!
Comment from AnneZ
Time July 16, 2008 at 12:06 pm
If you want to spend your life manipulating people, sure, go ahead, do the “chase” thing.
On the other hand, Angel brings up an important area. Don’t smother the guy.
Maybe that’s what you’re having a hard time deciding–where is the line between smothering him and letting him have space to breathe.
I would also say at three months the exclusive talk should not be agony. At three months, he should know. Don’t make it more scary than it needs to be.
Definitely agree with Jeff—if you don’t want a life based on manipulation, don’t manipulate. And absolutely, you catch what you fish for. Do you want the predators who are in it only for the conquest? I know I don’t.
Good luck. Hope it went well. Pop back in and tell us!
Comment from Alex
Time July 16, 2008 at 12:12 pm
First and most important, you have to be in love and happy with yourself. If you are not, then what makes you think anyone will enjoy your company if you can’t stand yourself. I agree with Jeff, let him know your intentions. If he is interested, then he will stay. If he is not, well, if you’re secure with yourself then do you really want a guy who doesn’t share the same goals with you?
Jeff, as always, I love the advice.
Comment from Eathan
Time July 16, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Wow You’ve nailed this on the head. I’ve seen this happen happen to guys all the time. It spells disaster. There are no rules if you’re interested in dating someone. Go on a limb and say so.
Comment from Sian
Time July 16, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Great comments from everyone.
Howevre….I feel that there are two issues here and different ways to deal with each.
#1 If a guy is meeting your needs there is no need to “play hard to get” or to try and get him to chase you.
#2 If a guy is not meeting your needs you may be feeling as if you are not his number 1 priority..in which case you need to communicate your desires..if he is unable to meet this needs and meet your needs it is in your own best interest to distance yourself from the relationship.
This is not about playing hard to get..but about setting healthy boundaries.
Good luck.
Sian
Comment from Mimi
Time July 16, 2008 at 9:00 pm
At this point in your relationship I do not think it best to play the “chase” game, you are past that, he has you and he knows it. If I were you I would focus on your present situation:
Three months in, he is still seeing and likely actively pursuing other women. You don’t want to scare him off with the “where are we going” discussion. You DO want to let him know your position. Be honest, let him know you understand where he is coming from then voice where your thoughts on where you want to go.
Game playing could end up in a “you lose” situation and that will cause you nothing but regret ad heartache. Game playing will yield the same result.
Bottom line: If you want a committed exclusive relationship and he does not then cut your losses now and move on. It is very possible that he is playing this for as long as he can. IF this is the case then how is so great? This cat is a potential doucheee.
For laughs: The last guy I dated we will call him “The Jerk” he only last 3 weeks, tried to pull similar nonsense with me. I saw through it, eyes WIDE open. He tried to give me the ol’ “haven’t been single for long” line. What did I do? Blew him off, didn’t respond. End result: My gut instinct was right.
Redirect your thinking: You should give your time, heart and trust to the man who gets excited to see you, who WANTS to be with YOU all the time, who looks forward to your conversations and is at a point where YOU are the only one he thinks about. After 3 months, he should have it pretty well figured out. Talk of the future is just that, TALK. He may be stringing you on, do not put yourself in a position to get cut. You don’t need to be on some guys reserve list!
Best of luck. Open your eyes and your ears.
Comment from Bee
Time July 16, 2008 at 10:32 pm
WOW! That last comment hti ME hard. I got played big time. I dated a fellow who was really into me … by 1 month he asked to be exclusive. That was great for me because we had so much in common and had such a blast together I really didnt want to date anyone else. We stayed exclusive for about 2 months when I found his profile back up. It was the “not divorced long enough to be exclusive” talk. oh… he didnt want to see anyone else, we would be together every weekend….just had a problem with the “word” exclusive.
A year later, now, he just broke up with me. He had spent the night with me Thurs nite, Fri nite, we played in a tennis match together Sat then he had to go do errands for the coming week.
I went out with a girlfriend and found him dancing with a girl he has been with ever since. Jumped from my bed into a relationship with her. His profile is down again…..
Honesty is definitely best! Be honest with yourself as to what you NEED in a relationship and what you want. IF you are at a point that moving into exclusive is what you need in order to progress, know your boundaries and what you can live with : do you need monogamy, loyalty , trust?
If so, say so in defintie terms. And listen to what he says.
Comment from marydenay
Time July 18, 2008 at 11:01 am
I always thought the point of those back off advice strategies was to simply stay in reality and not behave as if you NEED the person in your life. Continue doing the things you normally do so that when you fit him into your schedule and tell him how much you enjoy your time together, etc — he believes it’s genuine/sincere and not just because you have nothing better to do.
Comment from Tasha
Time July 19, 2008 at 4:59 am
Hi,
Shannon I don’t think you should make him chase you as such because if he is not trully into having a commited relationship with you it wont work anyway. As others have said, he might go after you for a while cause he’ll see you as a conquest. It will all be about him and not you. And if it works then you will have to keep up those “games” every time he withdraws. Waste of energy and time.
However, three months is enough for a guy to realise whether he wants to be in a relationship or not. He is not a kid a presume!! So, I would be very careful not to give him a chance to “have his cake and eat it too” as the proverb goes!
Talk to him in a casual, factual way and discuss what you want from him. And if he doesnt come with the right answer (meaning he doesnt give you an honest answer but confuses you) then he could be trying to “buy” some time. He likes you it is blatantly obvious. But the question is does he like you ENOUGH to commit? This is what you have to find out. If he doesnt have an answer you can live with, then you should distance yourself to get emotional balance. But this will not be a game. It will be a refocusing on YOUR life and needs instead of waiting for him to make a decision.
I also think that a good rule of thumb that has worked wonders for my best friend (who always seems to land the great guys) is not sleeping with a guy before you get to know him a bit and know what he wants from you. Most “players” will not wait and will start pushing towards sex without commitment pretty early on.
all the best
Comment from Bee
Time August 4, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Thank you, Tasha! Great explanation that I needed……!
Comment from vicki
Time March 26, 2009 at 6:12 pm
3 months isn’t anything. It takes at least 6 for people to relax long enough to get to begin to know the true self. He’ll show you what priority you are at any given time. If you have slept with him this soon, that is a problem. You have established what you will tolerate. Rarely can you paddle backward. If you have, you have the cart before the horse, let it go and try again.
Comment from Donna
Time November 23, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Dating someone new for the first 6 months is challenging….but I find that playing “chess” in a new relationship is exhausting! By stopping the dating games and simply being honest and authentic has proven to be the best “strategy” of all; he’s falling in love with “me”, and only me! The only advice that I have to offer is that I didn’t sleep with him until he asked me to be exclusive, I maintained my own interests and friendships and I was very present for him during our dates. He knew that I was falling for him because he felt it, not a plastic veneer of manipulation.
Have trust and faith..if he is the right guy, he’ll love you for who you are…but you have to be “exactly” who you are, your authetic self to be lovable. Drop the games…just “be”.
Hugs.
D
Comment from Angel
Time July 16, 2008 at 11:35 am
Hi All:
I definitely don’t agree with pretending to be hard to get and acting like you’re not interested. I think what the sites, “experts” etc are saying is not to be deperate or cling to a guy as if you have no life – have interests of your own and we all know that people value what you have to work hard for. Not making a guy sweat just to be with you, but you should definitely not be easy and call him on his crap – they seem to love that. A woman with her own mind who is not afraid of losing a guy if he’s not up to par.