Interpreting a Lack of Communication in an LDR
Sara is far, far away from the guy she has just started maybe, kinda sorta seeing. In the heat of the moment, at the beginning, he said some stuff, but now he’s not so communicative online. What to make of this? Here’s an excerpt, with the main question:
First he talked about us moving in together, then he said that wasn’t a good idea. Then he said when I come back, we should just take it slow and start dating. But, he barely talks to me online, even though he is online all the time. He says that maybe he’ll call on a day, but he rarely does when he says so. Is he losing interest? Is he just trying to distance himself while I’m away? What should I expect when I move back out there and how should I interpret his lack of communication now that I’m far away?
Dear Sara,
Here’s how I would recommend interpreting behavior over the internet:
Not.
Seriously, just don’t bother. Online behavior is way too hard to interpret even when you know the person really well. And by “don’t bother” what I mean is to say that I know you’re going to freak out a little about this stuff, but try not to get too caught up in your own brain droppings.
To illustrate exactly how futile it would be to try to “guess” what he’s up to, the following are all 100% plausible reasons for his behavior:
- He’s just not a big phone/email person. It just isn’t that important to him, and he feels comfortable enough with you to be his natural, not-that-e-communicative self.
- He suddenly remembered that he hates your living guts, and can’t figure out how to get rid of you.
- He has been cursed by a warlock or a witch, and can only speak on the phone infrequently, lest he die.
I could go on for days with this. (Frequent readers, back me up on that — is brevity one of my sins?)
The point is, you are feeling giddy, anticipatory, freaked out, worrying, all of the stuff that comes with a new possible relationship. Don’t let your brain run away with you. Make up your mind based on REAL things. After all, your relationship would ideally take place in, say, the same room, right? So don’t let email freak you out. It’s pretty much the worst conveyor of nuance ever devised.
Good luck, Sara. Don’t freak out. Just get some real, in person information before going off the deep end. Don’t worry — I’m sure you can find plenty of REAL stuff to go nuts over.
Whaddya think, womens o’ the world? How should she interpret this stuff? Or should she at all?
———————–
(full text of request follows)
Well, I know it’s about a month wait, but I figured I would try this, in case you got around to it sooner.
I moved in with an ex-boyfriend of mine across the country to get away from living with my mother. He and I had been on/off again for a few years now, and when I moved out there, we were on. We dated for about a month, but we hit the same wall we always do, and I ended the relationship.
During our relationship though, I fell for his roommate. His roommate is a great match with me, and we seem to agree on all aspects of relationships. He was always very sweet to me, but he never made a move. About a month after I had broken up with the ex, I reached out to the roommate, and we ended up holding hands for a long time. Before I had the chance to talk to him about it, my ex had seen us holding hands, and he confronted me about it. I admitted to liking his roommate, and he said that I had to move out. Within 5 days, I was on a plane, back to my side of the country.
Turns out that the roommate had liked me for awhile and said that I might be the perfect girl. Now I have made plans to move back out there and start my own life. The roommate, however, has flip flopped a lot in his plans. First he talked about us moving in together, then he said that wasn’t a good idea. Then he said when I come back, we should just take it slow and start dating. But, he barely talks to me online, even though he is online all the time. He says that maybe he’ll call on a day, but he rarely does when he says so. Is he losing interest? Is he just trying to distance himself while I’m away? What should I expect when I move back out there and how should I interpret his lack of communication now that I’m far away?
Posted: July 17th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Cindy
Time July 17, 2008 at 11:52 am
Uh, I’m thinking that this guy is a “SWEEPER”. You know, the one who sits on the side of the stage, waiting for the actors to exit so he can sweep up the remains.
Question: If a man cannot show loyalty to his friend, how will he ever show that loyalty to you? The guy can’t even follow-through with a phone call for heavens sake! Is THAT the kind of guy you want to revolve your world around???
I’m thinkin’ that he just wants to shag you.
And even if he DOES want more than just a quick shag, don’t YOU want more than what he’s prepared to offer? (Which doesn’t sound like much…oh, except the confusion part. Lots of confusion.)
I am CONSTANTLY AMAZED that women seem to forget that it is OUR CHOICE, and that so many women are willing to accept so little at the beginning, and yet expect so much at the end. 
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 17, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Golly-Gee, Ms. Sara! You WERE in His “REAL” presence. Surely! some ‘vibe’ was palpable as to character, dependability, etc.
Per DearJM, ignore online voodoo. Also: Maybe His sniffing on You was to *rouse-up* Your Ex aka His Housemate. There could be a case of cage-shaking which has ZERO to do with You! Sad, but stranger stuff happens–trust on That!
Stabilize Yourself by considering Realities, and……..Best Blessings on Your LoveLookout!
Comment from Robin
Time July 17, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Sara,
It seems too early in your relationship to pack it all up and move across country AGAIN just to “SEE” how things pan out. You don’t have any concrete evidence that he wants to seriously pursue things, especially after he expressed his concern about you all moving in together.
Remember Mr. Manslator’s Golden Rule “Pay attention to what he DOES not what he SAYS”. (I swear that is one serious pearl of wisdom…I’ve used it as a measuring stick for a lot of situations and it has worked EVERY time…Thanks Mr. Manslator!)
So, going with that bit of advice, is your guy making any attempt to forge a relationship with you offline? Any effort at all? Is he making plans for you to come to see him or for him to come to see you?
If not, before loading up the truck and moving to Beverly, why not suggest to Mr. Room mate Man that you come out for a brief visit. If he isn’t open to a visit, you’ll have your answer right there! If he is open to you visiting, that’s a good sign.
Start out with a a short, un-invasive amount of time like a weekend. When you’re there, pay attention to his behavior towards you. You’ll have a better sense of whether or not he is into you once there. If things go well, your visits could eventually spark the “I really think you should think about moving out here” conversation.
If things don’t go well, you’ll know that it was best that you stayed put and didn’t uproot your whole entire life for nothing.
Good luck!
Comment from marydenay
Time July 18, 2008 at 10:57 am
I agree – I wouldn’t go all that way based on a potential relationship. Focus on yourself. Don’t latch on to one person after another.
Comment from Sara
Time December 14, 2008 at 5:34 am
Just to give an update on the question I asked, the boyfriend and I are doing wonderfully. I moved back out to start my own life, which I am very happy with, and the boy was an added bonus. (I never recommend moving for a new relationship!) We have been dating for about 7 months now, and we are happily in love and living together.
So I have to say the manslator nailed this one! Turns out that he didn’t want me to move cross country just for him, so he was being distant to ensure that he wasn’t part of my decision to move out there.
Hope this helps any girls that find themselves in my previous situation! There is hope, ladies. =)
Comment from AnneZ
Time July 17, 2008 at 10:25 am
Wow. Complicated situation. Do you have actual plans that don’t involve him when you get out there? ‘Cuz if you’re moving cross country based on this potential relationship, you don’t have much to go on. If that is the case, I would have to ask him flat out. The disappearing act would pretty much kill things for me.
I actually agree with the guy that moving in together right off the bat isn’t a good idea, though. And, really, I hope you have school or job or plans to sell songs in Nashville studios or something as a reason to move out wherever it is. You can’t be hauling yourself back and forth across a country every time you break up with a guy. That’ll age you fast.
Best wishes. I hope it works out.