manslations

A reader named Janet has a question that she deems “so simple.” So let’s get right to it!  How can she tell who’s naughty and who’s nice?

This is so simple.

Woohoo! It’s Friday! I LOVE simple!

A nice guy.  I just want to know, if I’m looking for a nice guy tell me what type of qualities a “nice guy” possesses.

Aw, crap. That ain’t simple.

I know everyone’s standards are different.

Mmkay, good.

But if a guy is the real deal, how am I supposed to know?

Well…how do you know you like the sandwiches you like? (Cut me some slack, I’m trying to lose weight and everything seems like sandwiches to me.)

My mantra is, no more a**holes.

Good, sounds like you’ve got the right guru.

Just want to make sure I avoid the classic a**hole signs and go with the good guy signs.

However you wish to give it to me will work, if it’s look out for these classic a**hole signs or if it’s look for these good guy signs, I’m happy.

Well, you might want to start by watching your use of the phrase “However you wish to give it to me will work,” for starters. A classic a-hole might, you know, take that one and just RUN with it.

OH! Yeah!  How hard is it for a guy to say I love you.  Is there some rule to when they do it, or are they like us and they only say it when they really feel it?

Now hold on just one friggin’ minute! One unanswerable question at a time! Ok, ok. Twist my arm. I’ll give you this one for free. Wait a second. I’m giving you BOTH of these for free. Man, I am getting screwed on this deal, financially! But it’s ok. I’ll make it up in volume.

CAN’T WAIT FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.

Dear Janet,

Ok, now we’re all going to have to do a little assuming here. I’m going have to assume that I understand what you mean by a “nice guy” and what you mean by an “asshole.” (We would also have accepted “asshat.”) You’re going to have to assume that I’m right. So basically, we’re all going to be making asses out of you, me and the lamppost. So let’s start with a few definitions, shall we?

NICE GUY: (nah-eess gah-ee) A guy you really want to be with, who treats you how you want to be treated.

ASSHOLE: (ass-hole. Or awss-hole, if you’re British.) A guy you do NOT really want to be with, and who does NOT treat you how you want to be treated, but for some reason you end up with the moron anyway.

Does that work for a start? Good. So here’s some signs you’re with an asshole, by that definition:

• WHO SHOULD I BE? You feel the need to change yourself in some way in the hopes that this will keep him interested.
• WHO CAN I MAKE HIM INTO? You have thoughts like, “Oh man, he would be so perfect…if only he would…” And then you’re instantly an insane person. If he’s not the right guy, you ain’t gonna somehow Frankenstein him INTO the right guy. Seriously. Stop.
• WHERE IS HE? If a guy likes you, he will like spending time with you. And not just while you’re both naked (though that should be involved as well.) If you find yourself wondering why you don’t hear from him unless he’s got a semi in his undies, you might be a redneck. Wait, wrong comedian. You know what I’m saying.
• EXCUSES, EXCUSES: Assholes always have great reasons why they are making you feel lousy, or why they aren’t making you feel special, or why they hurt your feelings. A guy can’t be available all the time, but if you keep feeling like you’re getting dissed, and you have a drawer full on IOUs that say, “Oh, sorry, I was just CRAZY busy all week! What are you doing tonight at 2am — I’ll make it up to you,” well, watch out.
• IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT: Another specialty of the a-hole-y alliance is to make HIS problems YOUR fault. I’ve referred to this in the past as the Anger Smokescreen. Example: You catch him in bed with another woman and he screams at YOU for being uptight. Sometimes problems ARE your fault, but when it’s his problem and he’s trying to make you feel like a jerk for noticing it…trouble.

That should be enough for now, Janet. If you avoid the guys who do that stuff…well, yes, it’s going to cut down your available dude pool, for sure. But you’ll be avoiding plenty of those a-holes.

Now, for your second “oh yeah” question (which reminds me of when I said at the end of an email to my agent, “Oh and by the way, I got engaged.” Not exactly the right emphasis there, hm?)

HOW HARD IS IT FOR A GUY TO SAY THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS?

Well, it depends on the guy. And the love. I wouldn’t say that there’s a rule. I would say that most guys know that it’s very un-take-back-able, so I think we as a gender are pretty careful in throwing it around. I think most dudes know that if you say it, things are going to change. Instantly. And forever. And so you’d better mean it. (And if you’re a coward such as myself, you also had better be pretty sure you’re going to hear it back.)

Hm. I guess that wasn’t that hard to explain. Ok. Yay me.

Well, Janet. That’s it. That’s your two-for-one manslation. Now you must decide whether to use your knowledge for good…or for eville.

Oh ladies! How do YOU tell the niceys from the asseys? Any tips for our pal, Janet?