Why is this Married Guy E-Flirting With Her?
Very quick one from a reader named Teresa. I mean, look at that. Four sentences, bing-bam-boom. Her old flame from childhood is both a.)married and b.) coming at her all hot and heavy over the interwebs. What’s his motive here? Let’s find out:
An old flame of mine from when we were kids has been flirting and teasing me like the old days in emails. Problem yes, he is married !!!! I know I know before all of you can say it, trouble I know lol….
My question is does this mean he is not happy in his marriage, or is he just using me for fun online during the day?
Dear Teresa,
So, he’s flirting and teasing like when you were kids…over email? Am I that old, that there are people who were emailing as kids, and are no longer kids? When I was a kid, the flirting and teasing were…I mean, I think we threw acorns at each other or something.
Anyway, let’s get right to your question:
UNHAPPY MARRIAGE OR JUST USING YOU FOR FUN ONLINE?
Answer: Oh, like it couldn’t be both?
More Helpful Answer: Depends on a few things.
First of all, I don’t know the nature of the flirting and teasing. I mean, if he’s just being playful, it might not mean anything at all, other than the fact that he’s getting a kick out of it. If it’s more…directed towards making something happen in reality, that’s another story.
This is a good time to take a look at the Two Big Manslations Questions again. Might he think that this behavior will:
- …get him laid?
- …integrate you further into his life?
The first one, again, I can’t answer because I don’t know how flirty Mr. Married is. And the second one? Well, you seem to indicate that this only happens online during the day. Like, when he’s at work? So that seems a definite “No.”
VERDICT: HOW SERIOUS IS THE FLIRTING?
Ask yourself this: if his wife read the content of these emails, and if she were a chilled out, even-tempered person, would she kill him with a stick? As in, how “innocent” are these communications? The less innocent they are, the less likely his marriage is going super-awesome.
That said, the fact that he is doing this during work leads me to believe that he’s not all that interested in YOU either. In a serious way, I’m saying. He sounds to me like a guy looking to entertain himself. And potentially at the risk of his marriage.
Keeper!
Good luck, Teresa. I wouldn’t get too involved. Have your fun, but don’t engage in anything that, if it were YOUR husband, would cause you to murder him in his sleep. Bad mojo for his poor wife, and not likely any good for you either.
What do you think this guy is after, ladies?
Posted: July 23rd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Tasha
Time July 23, 2008 at 10:32 am
PS (not that if you dont live in the same area makes it ok…)
Comment from Sassy
Time July 23, 2008 at 10:53 am
Either way, I hope that you are not reciprocating. If he’s married, and his wife isn’t a best friend (in the good, open way) of yours, just delete. As my very smart mother would say, why are you even engaging?
I’ll assume that you aren’t and that you’ve got your head on straight. Then my next comment would be that he is out of bounds here. I agree with Jeff…..unless he is saying, “Wife! Wait until you see the email exchange we had today,” he’s got issues. And they’re not yours to solve.
Good luck!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time July 23, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Friend Sassy’s notion of Mr. Married doing a “Wife! Wait until you see the email..” is a most entracing [seductive, even] BEAUTY. There’s a way to scratch that itch!
Soooo, Dear Teresa, on that theme: Do something…. like asking Mr.M to convert 2birds on a wire to A *3-some* as in let’s add Winifred Wife on our “cc”. Exit never-healthy down lows. Unless You want to keep Gigs as-are, rather than take a chance on Love [of Your holiness, at least!]. Have Merry, 1way R other!
Comment from Liz C
Time July 23, 2008 at 4:21 pm
My guess is he’s looking for a thrill. This happened to my sister. She tried to keep it cool and friendly but he kept getting more intense until he flat out propositioned her. My sister, being who she is, sent that email to his wife.
The there’s anything in those emails you wouldn’t want his wife to read, cut and run! You don’t want to be the kind of woman who does that, trust me.
Comment from Teresa
Time July 23, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Update on the married guy
I wanted to thank all of you for your advice, some I agree with some I dont, for there are other things to also consider that I didnt put in my first mail.
He says he still does have feelings for me, but a road best not to go down at this point intime because he is married, second,I have told him that as long as he is married nothing will happen sexually between us, He wants to stay friends rather than loose me, but the emails keep coming, the flirting, the thoughts, the good morning emails….Help !!!! I dont want to loose him as a friend but are guys that blind when you lay it all out I told him how I feel about him, He still continues to flirt, GUYS help ???
What does this meen in a GUYS head ?????
Comment from Sassy
Time July 23, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Teresa,
Can you block him from your email? Are you emailing back saying, “no, stop.” Even a response like this (“no”) is a response and that’s what he wants right now. Go silent with this man. You might lose him as a friend, but really, what kind of friend is he if he’s doing this?
And I might ask you, very gently, what are you getting out of this?
Comment from Sassy
Time July 23, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Sorry. Don’t know how I got a smiley face. Didn’t mean that at all.
Comment from Ronnie-The Dating Coach
Time July 23, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Some men love to flirt via email. It’s a safe way to have additional feminine contact and fantasy without “really” cheating. But it doesn’t sound like it’s working for you. Why get sucked into to a situation that won’t lead down a road you want?
I don’t see the friendship here because he’s not showing you proper respect trying to start something he isn’t free to do.
Here’s another way to look at this:
An old beau says he still has feelings for you and still finds you attractive. OK – that’s evidence that you are attractive. Walk away with new found confidence of your allure and get out there to find a single man who is right for you.
All the best,
Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach
Comment from AnneZ
Time July 23, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I recommend ratcheting down this “friendship” to an acquaintanceship.
You do not need to be building emotional capital with someone else’s husband under circumstances like this.
Ice him out. Only respond to one or two emails per week, as nec. and appropriate. Let the flirty ones die on the vine.
You’ll feel better when you distance from him and know you can look Mrs. Him in the eye.
I understand that if you think you have a prior claim on a guy and you are plagued with whatifs and think he is, too, yhat there seems a world of very legitimate possibilities.
But he’s made it clear, from what you say in your later posting, that legitimate possibilities are not on the horizon, after all.
So get out your fence posts and set some good, clear boundaries. You’ll feel better and you’ll be able to move on.
Good luck.
Comment from thaiyellow
Time July 24, 2008 at 5:35 am
like, i don’t know how you can handle emails like that…they give me the creeps. i do not want some (random) guy thinking about my bodynsoul in that way (e.g., melted Swiss chocolate).
and if he has a partner i am not going there on so many levels, including chat and email.
is this what interests you about the guy? if you don’t mind me asking? that he wants you and he to do all sorts of funky things together?
i’m with jeff~ young days of flirting was the wet towel flick, thrown rocks or a kick-board frisbie in the face.
Comment from debra
Time July 24, 2008 at 8:57 am
Teresa,
I think I might have the tiniest bit of insight for you. I’m going through the same issue right now with my best friend from highschool (from 20 yrs ago). We’ve seen each other with our families and children a few times in the past few years. During this time, my marriage has ended, and his has been pretty close to unlivable. At a time when he is looking for any ray of sunshine, any indication that he is still worth being loved, that he is still attractive, your guy, like mine, is going to turn to someone that he knows loved him at some point. So the flirting starts. You don’t have to walk away from him, but do set some boundaries. Explain that you understand he is not happy, that he’s looking for a connection, but for the two of you, that connection is going to be a very meaningful, supportive, loving friendship. That’s what he needs anyway, he doesn’t need a sexual fling, he needs support, kindness and friendship. If he was a good friend, give him that, if not, then perhaps it’s time to say goodbye. My guy has eased off the flirting…we’re back to being best friends, and that’s really what we both needed in the first place. Amazing that a hug can be so much more fulfilling sometimes than an impulsive sexual romp down memory lane.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time July 25, 2008 at 9:22 am
Teresa: I think that yes, some guys ARE that blind. Or more to the point, some guys are willfully blind to stuff that goes contrary to what they want. AS IN, he wants to have a little flirty fun with you. You say, “This has to stop,” and he says, “Sure, sure.” But secretly, he just wants to keep on having fun. So he “forgets” you want it to stop.
Honestly, I think if you’ve told him what you want from him and he’s not willing to do it, you might have to block the emails. Or at least stop encouraging him by responding. It’s only going to drive you nuts.
Comment from Vanessa
Time October 12, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Maybe he is looking for someone who he can use. Its just the same as a married man flirting with some one for real.
Comment from Tasha
Time July 23, 2008 at 10:29 am
Hi Teresa,
I dont think any of us could really say why this guy is flirting and whether he has a rocky marriage or not. There could be reasons for him contacting you and flirting with you that are beyond our grasp (oh, the way the mind works…..lol). However, even if he is just doing it “for fun” I think you should examine whether his behaviour is offensive or not. If he is funny and he is just joking and you have no inclination to get involved in his marrital life then whatever his reasons they should not really matter. Its not like you are trying to initiate a relationship with him right (right??)
However, to play the devils advocate here, “using” is a pretty strong word and so I get the feeling that at some level you are not very happy with the situation as it is. Also, although some people might disagree with me, flirting is flirting and since he is married and is doing it in secret (I dont think his wife is around when he emails you) then I would be very careful. Especially if you live in the same area….One day the wife might find out, and you might be greeted with a not so polite email from her.