manslations

We end the week with a request from frequent commenter, Sassy, who seems to have a pretty great problem to have. She’s in a relationship that is going really well! (Poor thing!)

BUT!

She misses that crazy-go-nuts beginning stage, where you say/do/feel loopy things all the time. She wants to know how to enjoy a relationship when it’s settled down into a more “everyday” kind of thing.

Let’s get all the details:

Hi Jeff,

Always enjoy your insights! What I’d like to know is how can I best enjoy a relationship that’s past its “goo-goo honeymoon” stage?

I’ve been dating a terrific guy for about 3 months. We’re both older (late 40s), divorced after long marriages. He has a little more dating experience after his divorce than I do. We started as friends about 9 months ago, but things picked up after he approached me and wanted to know if I would be willing to see if we could have a romantic relationship. We’ve had very good talks about we’re looking for something that’s for the long run.

He’s funny, bright, kind and generous. Now that the goo-goo stuff is kind of fading (“I feel like I won the lottery with you” “Oh, I think you’re amazing”), we are settling into a nice routine. But it’s been a while since I’ve had a regular, steady-type boyfriend that I talk to/see almost every day. And frankly, I miss all the goo-goo stuff a little.

He’s assured me that this next phase is even more important since it will tell if there’s any “staying power.” I totally agree, but still miss my “goo-goo.”

Any ideas?

thanks!

Sassy One

Dear Sassy,

Couple of quick observations, and then into the answer. First of all, it sounds like you landed a great one. I especially like that he is actually looking forward to the post-goo-goo epoch. I agree with him — it’s one thing to have a good time when you’re both running around like your hair is on fire. But as many of you know only too well, a lot of those relationships burn out before they even get to the next step. Poof. Wha happa?

FULL DISCLOSURE

A bit of a caveat: I don’t really know how to enjoy a relationship once it’s gotten past the goo-goo stage because mine hasn’t. We’re sort of embarrassingly goo-goo, like, to the point where we can’t really tell anyone anything about our relationship for fear of being murdered.

The good news there is, it seems like you might be looking for ways to keep the goo-goo alive. And there, well, I might be able to speak on that. And of course, the intensity at the beginning was different from what it is now. But I feel like I’m having even more fun now even than I was then. It’s just different.

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: I’m getting a little uncomfortable using the term “goo-goo” like that. I sort of have to keep going with it. It’s a good placeholder for all that stuff. But it makes me feel like an a-hole pretty much every time. Just letting you know.)

So, I’ll talk a little about how to enjoy a lower goo-goo (ugh) quotient, AND how to keep it alive. How’s that for a bargain? (Actually, I could have just pooped into the internet and it would be a bargain, since it’s all “free” and stuff.)

HOW TO ENJOY THE DECREASED DAILY GOO-GOO ALLOWANCE

As your man suggests, the post-honeymoon stage actually IS really important because, well, honeymoons are theoretically fun the whole time. That’s the point. It’s when you’re settled into your real, normal life that separates the loves from the flings. For me, this stage is really more about settling into a “team” mentality. “Opening the airlocks” as I like to call it. Getting closer. Removing anything that keeps you from being a unit.

I’m not saying that you lose your identity by melting into some kind of four-legged lump that isn’t either one of you. No way. Liz and I don’t like that kind of thing. We each have our own lives, our own things going on. I’m talking about learning how to be together, separately. And how to maintain your own separate self, even when you’re together, and without slamming any doors on each other.

KEEPING THE GOO-GOO CHOO-CHOO GOING

Hey, if I’m going to use the term, why not whole-hog the thing, right?

I think the thing to remember here is that our future is very much fed by our present. As in, whatever you do now, that’s what you’ll grow more of. If you want more goo-goo, inject it into the conversation whenever it occurs to you to do it. And not with an actual syringe, either. I’m talking metaphorical injections here. Then again, who am I to judge? Do your own thing, Sassy.

Liz and I act like morons around each other because…wait for it…it’s fun for us. I mean, in the beginning you act like morons because, well, at that point you ARE morons, right? But now that some of that molten hot lava has cooled a little…err…it’s still fun to do that stuff. So you have to jumpstart it a little? So what? Doesn’t make it less fun. Or less spontaneous. Or less special. It just makes it less…accidental.

There’s no reason to think that acting lovey-dovey intentionally (having it start with one of you spurring it onward) is less awesome than the early days when you were doing it without even thinking about it. Take your example. “I feel like I won the lottery with you.” Do you still feel like that? You do, right? Well, you’re allowed to say it on purpose, you know. Somebody’s got to get the ball rolling. Let it be you. I promise, it won’t be any less special if you make the first goo-goo move and then he gets going in response to your goo-goo-itude.

A NOTE FROM KURT VONNEGUT

Here’s one of my favorite Kurt Vonnegut quotes, speaking at a commencement at Syracuse University:

But I had a good uncle named Alex, who said, when life was most agreeable – and it could be just a pitcher of lemonade in the shade – he would say, ”If this isn’t nice, what is?”

People who know how to do that — to enjoy what they’ve got when they’ve got it — are the happy people. Everybody else? Well, if they’re not even having fun when they’re HAVING it, what chance do they have? That’s no way to be. I think this quote applied during goo-goo and beyond. If you can do that, well, if that isn’t nice, what is?

Good luck, Sassy! Sounds like you’re off to a great start. My advice? Keep the goo-goo in your own actions, just more intentional now, and it will come back to you like some boomerang covered in goo. Goo. Oh, thank god I don’t have to write that word again.

Ladies? Where are you on the whole goo-goo (blast!) thing? Keep it alive? Enjoy what’s next? Both? Neither?