manslations

Interesting and seemingly not-so-common question from Stacy. She said she wanted honesty, and boy did she get some. He’s now been honest with her about things that…well, might there be such a thing as too much information? Oh yes, there might. I’ve received far too much in MY life, after all.

The question seems to be…why is he telling her all these details?! Let’s read her request, and find out just which species of bean he’s spilling. (I know it seems dirty when I write it like that, but keep it in your pants, people.)

Hey Jeff, I recently found your site and love it! Here goes….

I met a guy in the bar who lives in a different state and of course he tried to play me into bed by telling me how connected he felt to me and blah blah blah….I told him if he meant what he was saying then the sex could wait. I gave him my number and he called. We had several phone conversations over the course of a couple of weeks. He asked me what I wanted out of a relationship and I said honesty, trust, and my space. Four months later and several hot nights together he has told me every detail. How many women he has slept with and how he could possibly slip and have a meaningless one night stand. Grant it I did ask for honesty but my God! I’ve never had a man be so honest (and I do appreciate it very much) but what the heck is going on here? He has stated that he needs to settle down and stop playing around ( we are in our middle 40′s) and how much he cares about me. I’ve learned so much about him that I do not know if I could ever move our relationship pass what we have now which is great sex and of course the most honest communication I have ever experienced.

Dear Stacy,

Ok, there are a couple of points of interest in your letter. Not necessarily red flags, per se. But I definitely wouldn’t go waving them in front of any bulls of questionable temperament until you get some more info. (Truth be told, I personally wouldn’t wave anything in front of a bull. I think it’s rude. But that’s just how I was raised. i.e. Weirdly.)

FLAGS AS YET TO BE DETERMINED TO BE “RED”…LET’S CALL IT A PRE-MAUVE

1. He told you how he “could possibly slip and have a meaningless one night stand.” Yikes.
2. He told you that the needs to “settle down and stop playing around.” As opposed to…

The first one tells me that he is either worried he might do that based on his past life experience, or that he’s actually planning on doing it, at least in some small part of his brain. Hard to tell which, but I’m getting a bit of the former off of him. He used to be a player, and he’s confessing to you the kind of thing he knows he’s capable of.

This CAN be a bad sign depending on the guy. Some dudes will tell you the awful things they “might” do one day so that you’ll go, “No, no, I trust you.” And then when in a bizarre, who-could-a-thunk-it sort of way, he actually DOES the thing, he can just say, “Hey, I told you that’s what I was like! Attsa matta for you, hah?” (That last part is only if you’re dating a licensed organ grinder, complete with dancing monkey.)

The second flag could go either way. He says that he needs to stop playing around. Well, obviously, duh, that means that he has BEEN playing around. Otherwise, er, why stop doing something you’ve never done. (Eat that, Jean Paul Sartre!) This also lends a little credence to my earlier theory. He’s a reformed or reforming player.

VERDICT: PROCEED WITH CAUTION, TRUST BUT VERIFY

Look, Stacy. If he really wanted to actively screw you over, he likely would have kept those things to himself for the most part. However, he is communicating to you where he has been, what he’s used to, and what he once used to do.

You are not going to “help” his conversion from a player to a regular human. That’s his business. So don’t try. Don’t threaten him, don’t tell him, “You better not screw me over!” or whatever. Not because it’s not true, but it’s beside the point. Either he is that guy or he’s not that guy. What you want to do is to verify which guy he is, ok?

So I’d suggest something like, “Listen, some of the stuff you’ve told me concerns me. I appreciate that you are being honest with me, and I have to be honest with you. When you said X and Y, it made me feel weird. I understand that you said you could ‘slip’ and have a meaningless one night stand. I’m just telling you that for me there IS no meaningless one night stand. That would not be ok with me, ever, ok? Now, if you can’t handle that, well, we can part company. I’m not trying to change you into something you’re not. I just want you to know what would and wouldn’t work for me…” Etcetera.

The point is, you’re not going to convince him to stay faithful or not. That’s not in your power. At all. Even a little. That’s all him. What you can do is to let him know what your needs are, and where the boundaries are. If he can’t hear that, well, you guys aren’t the right fit.

Good luck, Stacy!

What’s your take on all this honesty, ladies? Make you nervous?