manslations

Question from Elizabeth, who called her ex late one night, winning the Manslations Prize for Interesting Judgement. Huzzah! She needed to spill her guts. She did, he listened, all was well. But then, this happens:

The next afternoon he sends me a text, asking me how I was doing. I decided to return his text with a call to tell him how much I appreciated his show of friendship. The first thing out of his mouth was, “You know, you put me at about 3 hours of sleep last night.”

Bam!! I guess he’s the idiot I thought he was.

Because he can count how many hours of sleep he had? I don’t totally get it…let’s read on, maybe I’ll figure it out…

He followed that statement with, “But you can call me any time, even if its in the middle of the night. I’m always here for my friends and I consider you a friend.”

That. Filthy. BASTARD! Wait…that seems kind of…nice?

I just couldn’t get over the fact that he had to get in a dig at me for keeping him up. My thoughts were, “If you don’t want people waking you up, don’t answer your phone. And if you want people to wake you up, don’t complain to them about how they woke you up.”

See, in my experience, the ONLY way to get people to stop waking me up is to tell them not to. I don’t know. That’s just me.

I have other friends who tell me that I need to stay away from this ex (we just recently reconnected after not seeing each other for about 8 years), that he only wants in my pants.When we first started talking again, I told him I was in no way shape or form interested in getting back together, to which he got very angry at me for assuming that he would be interested. Yup, I shouldn’t have called. I need to stay away.

Well…it certainly sounds like you don’t enjoy contact with him, I’ll give you that. It’s almost as if he’s someone you might break up w–hang on…

Anyhow, could you please translate? What was he doing? He was manipulating me but why? Is he just a douche? To be honest, I feel like I’m turning a bit misandristic. I don’t want my heart to be so hard that I can’t connect with anyone.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

I think you might be on a LEEEEETLE bit of a hair-trigger with this fellow. I mean, I’m not hearing any big manipulation from him on that comment. Maybe a bit of passive/aggressive, “No, no, you can call me any time. It’s just that I’m friggin’ dying because you called last night. But of course it’s no big deal!” Could be a little of that. But I certainly don’t see anything too weird.

Like you, I don’t want your heart to be so hard that you can’t connect with anyone either. So here’s my proclamation:

PRESCRIPTION: TAKE TWO “DON’T TALK TO THAT DUDE” AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING

Of course, don’t REALLY call “me” in the morning. (See how I did that — set a firm call boundary, right there!)

Seriously, it seems like you’ve got your head turned around pretty good with this dude. What I see is him behaving relatively normally (if a little passive-aggressive) and you taking it as a personal insult. Look, I don’t know the guy, I don’t know the tone he used, all of that. But the point is, the issue here appears to be that you were very ready to be a.) super thankful and appreciative or b.) super angry and offended based on how that conversation went.

Sounds to me like the two of you maybe used to, I don’t know, fight a whole lot? Yeah, why open up that can of worms again? Your mission is not to open your heart to people who drive you nuts. And the fact that this guy pissed you off doesn’t mean you’re misandry level has hit an all time high. What it means is that THIS guy makes you angry. So? Seek out guys who make you feel, let’s say, better with them than without them.

Good luck, Elizabeth. I think you might have just fallen prey to the whole thing where after you break up with someone, you get selective amnesia about all the stuff that used to drive you batpoop crazy about them. Write down a list of that stuff for the next time you feel like calling him at 2am. You’ll thank you for it.

What do you think ladies? Was this guy manipulating Elizabeth? What should she do?

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full text of request below

Dear Jeff,

I stumbled across your blog while checking to see who has stumbled across mine. Yours is fantastic. I bet you get more than 75 views a week (my blog isn’t on the most popular list — even I get bored when I read it).

I want to ask you a question because I think your site is so awesome. So I dug around in my head some annoying man-thing that perhaps can be explained. To preface things, when guys act like idiots, I just ignore it and move it. But granted, I don’t date very much, either. Perhaps after you answer my first question you can give me some advice on the best way to get out there so I can run into the least amount of douche bags possible. I’m 27 and feel like I’m staring spinterhood in the face.

So my original question has to deal with my ex boyfriend. Lately, things have been rough. I just started nursing school and have been ass-whipped by my instructors. It’s been hard. One night, I had insomnia so terribly! What’s a girl to do? I called my Ex. This isn’t a recent ex, but a very old one. He was my first boyfriend in college and we were 19. My feelings for him have not changed, in that I think he’s a red-neck loser. To show him respect, I should leave him alone, since I can’t return glowing sentiments on our relationship. But like any person in distress, they turn to those who will most likely give comfort and I did that with my Ex.

I called him at 2 am the night I had insomnia. He was very kind about my intrusion, insisting that he wasn’t sleeping because he had insomnia as well and as his friend, I can call him any time about anything I want. We talked about 20 minutes, I shed tears about my current stressors and he was so supportive. Just the kind of friend I needed. It made me think, “You know, he isn’t such a loser. Maybe I should change my opinion.”

The next afternoon he sends me a text, asking me how I was doing. I decided to return his text with a call to tell him how much I appreciated his show of friendship. The first thing out of his mouth was, “You know, you put me at about 3 hours of sleep last night.”

Bam!! I guess he’s the idiot I thought he was. He followed that statement with, “But you can call me any time, even if its in the middle of the night. I’m always here for my friends and I consider you a friend.” I just couldn’t get over the fact that he had to get in a dig at me for keeping him up. My thoughts were, “If you don’t want people waking you up, don’t answer your phone. And if you want people to wake you up, don’t complain to them about how they woke you up.” I have other friends who tell me that I need to stay away from this ex (we just recently reconnected after not seeing each other for about 8 years), that he only wants in my pants. When we first started talking again, I told him I was in no way shape or form interested in getting back together, to which he got very angry at me for assuming that he would be interested. Yup, I shouldn’t have called. I need to stay away.

Anyhow, could you please translate? What was he doing? He was manipulating me but why? Is he just a douche? To be honest, I feel like I’m turning a bit misandristic. I don’t want my heart to be so hard that I can’t connect with anyone.

Elizabeth